I am going to try and make a point to get on here when I have my good days. I don't know why it is but for some reason I seem to only write when I am having a rough day. I want you all to know that I do have good days in between my rough days. I really have just been dealing w/ a broken heart. Some days I laugh, some days I am angry and other days I am really sad. I feel like I am one the longest roller coaster every made.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I am brokenhearted. I lost my baby boy and I really do not know how to get through it, except that I keep waking up every morning and I keep praying every day to ask God to hold me up.
John 14:27 Peace I leave you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, do I give to you.
I am walking in his peace. His peace is the only thing that is getting me through this. I may have alot of questions about what happened with Zeke and I may not understand why he had to die, but I still have peace. I can't explain it but I can be full of questions and yet still have the peace of God.
My boys are the best medicine! They are putting smiles on my face and constantly doing something to make me laugh. They can pull me out of any funk that I may be in, in a matter of min. Malachi is our comedian! He is always saying something silly, burping & saying that is a sign my tank is full! Even when Malachi asked me if he could have my iphone when I died, that cracked me up. They are constantly giving me hugs and kisses and just being silly. They remind me that even though Zeke died, he still is apart of our family. They like to talk about him and what he is doing in heaven w/ pawpaw. They wonder if Pop is teaching him baseball and pushing him around in a golden stroller. Since I have told him he is in heaven watching over us like Angels they now think they have a brother w/ wings like a superhero ...... "No one in our class has a superhero as a brother mom that is AWESOME!!" We went to Ikea to walk around and look at some new bedroom furniture for the boys and I am not joking when I say this.... Malachi opened up every fridge, hoping to find food and layed on almost every bed and pretended to snore and then bam he was up and on to the next bed. All while asking me to take pictures of him being silly. Elijah was visiting my parents last month and they had hotdogs one day, my mom asked him why he wasn't eating it yet and he replied, "I gotta wait until my crack cools down!" Even if you are crying and really having a bad day it is those silly statements from my boys that are getting me through our darkest moment.
So I do get mad, and I do get very sad but 10 minutes later my boys will say something that makes me laugh so hard I could pee my pants and that is why I am so thankful to have the joy of the Lord all over my house. I am so glad that I have my boys and my husband to keep me laughing even when somedays all I want to do is cry.
Here is a few pictures of my crazy boys!
Monday, August 2, 2010
It is supposed to get easier as the days go by. I thought I was actually doing very good considering all that has happened and then my faith got tested. It is easy for us to believe in God but to trust him.....that is a whole different level of a relationship. I believe God loves me w/ all his heart and I believe he knows what is best for me and my family. I truly do, but trusting him has been so hard! I went down to Church of his Presence in Daphne Alabama Thursday night. I wanted to be in his presence and see him move mightily. What I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to watch other people be healed and get their miracle. I just sat there and cried because my heart hurt so badly. I prayed and I know so many other's prayed as well and I just felt robbed sitting there hearing all the testimony's. I wasn't angry, I was just sad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I am clinging on to the rock. I have built my life and my relationship on the rock. I know in my heart of hearts that God loves me and wants the best for me, right now I just feel betrayed and everything I thought I wanted for my life is now a blur. I know it is apart of the grieving process and now we just have to sit back and reevaluate things, don't make any rash decisions. I have to do my best in trying to trust God even though I don't want to right now. So what is trust now that you have lost someone so precious? How do you rebound from that and not harbor jealousy or resentment for anyone who has what you wanted more than anything... a healthy baby
I do not feel depressed, I have been there and this is different. This is grief. I am grieving over the loss of my son. It comes in waves some days are better than others and some days are not so great. I know each day will get better and I know that I will learn to cope each day better than the day before. I think I am just blown away that even 2 months later how one day I can be totally fine ... almost normal and then the next day I am a complete wreck and can barely get dressed. I can see babies and smile, I can talk about Zeke and everything that happened and not shed a tear, but get me alone and look me straight in the eye and honestly ask me how I am & I will fall apart.