staying in my dreams...

The house is quiet, everyone is asleep. It is just me & God. Today was a hard day. Today i didn't want to get out bed, Today i wanted to stay in my dreams where my baby was growing inside me & healthy, I wanted to stay dreaming about all the wonderful things I would be able to show her and teach her once she came home w/ us. I saw her role over, and take her first step. I saw her chase her brother's w/ girly dress up clothes and nail polish. I imagined her getting on the bus w/ the boys. I saw her alive and healthy.

And then I woke up. I woke up to screaming boys fighting over who's toy they were playing with. And at that moment I just layed there & cried, I sobed, & I cried so hard i didn't think i could breathe. At that moment I realized that my life would never be the same. January 7th changed our life forever. Oh how i wish we could go back & rewind those words that the doctor had told us, what I would give to hear her say that there is nothing to worry about she is growing beautifully and looks completely healthy. Everytime you get pregnant or know someone who is they always say "I just pray that it is healthy we don't care what the sex is we just want a healthy baby". It doesn't seem possible that it would be you. That you would be that 1 in 3,000 births. I thought last night that if I am so good w/ these odd's maybe I should start playing the lottery.. LOL (just kidding)

I have gone from sad to angry and back to devasted i don't know how many times in the last 72 hours. I have thrown a tantrum w/ God, I have wanted to rip her out of my body, I have yelled at my kids, I have hugged my kids so tight that they said I was gonna squeeze the air out of them. I have wished I could just stay pregnant forever & then she could be w/ us always, I have woke up to a soaking wet pillow everynight since the news. I was playing w/ the boys earlier today & we were laughing and joking around & then Malachi told me he was so happy he was getting a baby for his birthday..... I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had just been kicked in the gut & all i could think of was God please just help me breathe.

I have learned in the last 24 hours no matter what pain I see down the road, no matter how long this road will take, God will be with us and as long as I am honest w/ him & not push him away he will guide us thru this. David told me the other night that all we can do is pray, pray our guts out because God is the only one that can heal our baby. Doctor's are only human but God is God & he has a plan for us. Although we never imagined that this would be apart of God's plan, I am determined to find purpose in all of this, to make this baby's life mean something to us.

Thank you for all your prayers,
Stefani

Power of Prayer

I found this song from another blogger who went through the loss of a daughter because of Trisomy 18, & I was so encouraged by this song I thought i would share it. I feel better this evening I had a great talk w/ David. As scared as we are on what the future holds for us, the only thing we can do is love this baby w/ all our heart & pray our guts out. I definatly feel like the world is falling out from underneath me, but I have to see God in this & the last thing i can do is turn away from God, he created this baby inside of me for a reason, God choose us to be her parents for a reason & I am determined to do all that I can to fullfill my part in being her mother & helping her grow inside of me. I WILL BE found in God & he will be by our side thru all of this. I am asking for your prayers more than anything. I know I will have bad days & not so bad days, but I also know that there is POWER IN PRAY. We saw how pray worked to save Malachi when he was a baby & I am not about to doubt that God has a plan for this baby as well. We love you all and we appreciate all the support and love you are giving us!

Baby Update

Well I figured I am getting alot of phone calls and I just dont have the strength to keep going over the details so my blog is going back to work.

As most of you know we were very excited to be pregnant after the miscarriage last spring. We were so excited to have a new baby, a new house, & David getting transfered and promoted to Texas. Everything was turning around for us and we were so hopefull for the New Year and what happiness it was going to bring us.

At 14 weeks I was tested for the gentic chromosome defects, Downs Syndrome and Trisomy 18. The blood test came back positive for Trisomy 18 which means that we had a 1 & 5 chance of the baby not surving birth & would have major organ defects. We had to wait until the 17 week mark to have an ultrasound for them to look at the organs. We prayed and believed that the test was just a false positive and that we would be totally relieved to see her healthy and growing on that ultrasound screen.

January 7th will be a date I will never forget. Our precious beautiful baby has no kidneys, she has 1/2 of a heart, & alot of fluid on her brain. Trisomy 18 was confirmed yesterday & we are devestated. I am being sent to a specialist next week to get a better look at the ultrasound & to find out exactly what the next step is. The baby is meausuring about 3 weeks smaller than she should be & they do not know how much longer I will stay pregnant before I either go into labor on my own or if I will actually stay pregnant until 36 weeks @ which they would then induce me & I would deliver her. She more than likely will be stillborn, she may live a few min. we just don't know what to expect. We do know that w/ out a supernatural miracle we will not be bringing home a baby this summer. I feel like I am in a horiable nightmare & I just can't wake up.

I want to fall apart but I also have a wonderful husband & our 2 little boys that are SO EXCITED to be big brothers to their baby. Malachi is so happy he is getting a baby for his birthday. I just can't imagine what the next few months are going to bring us. It is one thing to go thru a tradgedy like this when it is just you, but when you have to see it thru the eyes of a 5 & 7 year old it is unimaginable. We need alot prayer sent are way & strength beyond measure.

The only thing I can do is take it 1 day at a time, but I also can't stop thinking of the dreadful day when I have to give birth to her & not bring her home. The tears are flowing while I am writing this & just when you think you can not cry anymore you double over in an unimaginable amount of grief no one should ever have to feel or go thru. God will get us thru this I know he will, we will walk with us thru this season & I just pray as a good friend told me yesterday that these ashes will turn to beauty.

7 years ago.... ELIJAH RAY

Wow! I can't believe my baby is 7! And he is so close to being 10! How did this happen? I feel like I put him to bed in his baby bed yesterday and then this morning I woke up to a 7 year old who plays outside all day w/ his friends, reads me a bedtime story, loves to go to school, & plays video games! It is so incredible how fast they grow up! I remember when i was pregnant w/ him people would tell me to just sit back and enjoy him and hold him & cuddle him as much as I could because before I knew it they would be starting kindergarten & I was thinking Yeah right, Me w/ a 5 yr old that seems like a lifetime away! So I did hold him that fist year as much as I could if I wasn't working I was holding him and I remember people telling me not to hold him so much he would be spoiled, but all I could think about was how could I not hold him?! Now 7 years later I am sitting here wondering if I give him a quarter will he let me hold him for a few minutes! LOL I am blown away on how wonderful my life has been since Elijah came into it. I remember there being hard times trying to figure out the mommy role, but there were plenty more Great times!

I remember when he was born he didn't want to come out he was 8 days late and had to be dragged out my stomach..... He has been like that every since! He does things on his own time and is not one to be talked into doing anything new... he wants someone else to try it first & then he will decide if he wants to try it. He is the most loveable, sweetest, kindest little boy you will ever meet. He is so concerned about everyone around him that we sometimes forgets that he is just a kid. He is extremely sensitive and everything has to be just right. He is full of funny and crazy stories. Elijah is a complete daddy's boy and has been since the day he came into this world. I remember I would walk him and walk him when he was fussy & I could not get him to sleep, so then daddy would step in & w/in 5 min he had that little baby snoring! When he was about 3 he was doing the spiderman sign and instead of the right fingers he stuck out his 2 middle fingers, I told him how we can not stick out those fingers by themselves becaus they mean a bad thing. He thought about it for a minute and then w/ a puzzled look on his face he said "Yeah but mom didn't you say God made all my fingers? So why would he make 2 that where bad?" When he was @ his 5 year old check up @ the doctor getting his eye test she pointed to a plus sign and he said, "Oh that is the cross that Jesus died on!"

Now 7 years later my little baby is now a boy who loves Star Wars, basketball, baseball, hunting, lego's & video games! He is all boy and he is growing up way to fast for his momma! Happy Birthday Elijah Ray Gordon! Your mommy loves you and is soo proud of you! You are a loving, sweet, caring little boy who will always be loved and adored by his momma!!! =)

Living in the Present...

Fall Break is over ..... It was so nice to park my car for 9 days & just hang out @ home w/ the boys! We have some new neighboors that the boys just love to play with and their mom and I had daily coffee dates to chat about girl stuff.. It was so fun to not be on any kind of schedule and to just relax and know all i had to do was have dinner ready by 630 each evening. The boys had such a great time playing that they cried a few nights when the street lights came on & that meant they had to come inside, then they would scarf down lunch & dinner in the same sitting.

They made a clubhouse w/ their buddies, played football, rode bikes, tried to hunt down the Mountain Lion they were so sure was in our wooded area behind the house... You name it those boys did it and they came in each night dirty and exausted, but at the same time they were so completely happy it ...was exciting to watch. They are not my babies anymore they can now go outside and play all day long & not need their mommy! As Elijah stated.... I am a big boy who likes to hunt, fish, play football, & grind (whatever that means.. LOL) on my skate board! Each night I was able to steal some cuddles while we watched a movie or our favorite Icarly. Elijah helped me cook mac & cheese for lunch 1 day and boy did he feel so proud when it turned out delicious. =) Malachi showed me his computer skills he has learned at school & i was very impressed before long he will be teaching me how to do things ....

I vividly remember the days when they were both toddling around in just their diapers & I would dream of the day when they were both in school, could get their own snack, go to sleep by themselves, most importantly the day i could go pee w/out an audience! Especially after watching them this week I did some reminiscing to those days when they were babies & I feel like i was always looking ahead to the next step or the next chapter in our life of "i cant wait until are out of diapers or I can't wait until that day when they can buckle themselves in the car" Oh how I wish I could go back and cherish those times and not be in such a hurry to move on to the next day or the next stage in our life. Their is a song out called "Your gonna miss this" it is so true we are constantly looking ahead at what is coming that to often than not we completely miss what is happening today! So this week instead of doing loads of laundry and cleaning my bathrooms & floors I just stayed in the moment and I enjoyed my kids coming in & out of the house all day to give me hugs & kisses. I told them all week how much I loved them and how I was so lucky to have them in my life!

It's the little things .....

I have gotten hooked... on blog reading & I was thinking why dont i do my own? Its relaxing, theraputic, and a chance to enjoy my wonderful cup of coffee the craziness of my life w/ all our friends and family. It seems like life seems to pass my by and before i know it has been 3 months since i have been on here and so much as happened that its just to much to write. So i have decided to do just a little bit each day & see how i go.....

I was watching an episode of Oprah the other day and she had a lady on there who had been burned over 80% of her body during a plane crash. As they took us into her house and I saw the pictures of her before hand and video's of her and children & I guess what shocked me was how happy she was w/ her life now! Today she is not that picture model she was 3 years ago, but today she is a mother who doesn't take her life for granted she is not mad over the spilled drinks in the living room, the constant MOM MOM MOM MOM hey MOM!! She has been thru a horindeous ordeal, but yet as she sat on that couch talking to Oprah she said she would get back on that airplane knowing it would blow up. This experience changed her it made her take a step back and cherish the things i know i take for granted , like running thru the park w/ my boys or giving them a bath, Yet when they do say MOM MOM MOM hey MOM .... that isn't fingernails on the chaulk board it is the most sweatest thing coming out of the sweatest little boy that God gave me!

So as I sit here I feel guilty. I feel guilty for snapping @ my kids, or for telling them to just go to there room cause i have a headache or sitting there reading a book on the park bench when I should be pushing them on a swing or going down the slide. It all goes by so quick and yes we love our children and we are so thankful for them, but do we really appreciate them and what they have brought into our daily life?

Back to the grind!

Well we are home from our vacation we got in last week left the grand canyon on thursday morning and arrived in our driveway 36 hours later! We were determined to drive until we got into our own beds. It was insane and crazy but between the 2 of us we made it and switched off driving while the other 1 slept. The boys did amaising and we are proud to say that are kids are wonderful travelers they did not complain until about the last 2 hours. So we now know that our max of car driving is 34 hours straight! LOL

We got home friday and then the boys and I thru are clothes into another suitcase and we went down to florida for about 4 days. Poor david had to stay here and go back to work (yucky) he was a good sport and let us continue our vacation for a few more days.Elijah caught a huge fish in the lake behind my moms house. It was quite funny without david there to unhook it i was quit nervous, but dad came in and saved the day. We had a great time spending time with Grandma and the tickle monster (grandpa). My sister was home so i got to spend a lot of quality time with her which was great. Thursday we made 1 more trip to the beach and then headed back to GA to sleep in our own beds after 3 1/2 weeks of being gone.

Summer is over we headed straight to wally world and target to get school supplies and school clothes. It is hard to believe that we are past another fun filled summer and that my kids are gonna be in 1st grade and kindergarten.......(little teary eyed)