staying in my dreams...

The house is quiet, everyone is asleep. It is just me & God. Today was a hard day. Today i didn't want to get out bed, Today i wanted to stay in my dreams where my baby was growing inside me & healthy, I wanted to stay dreaming about all the wonderful things I would be able to show her and teach her once she came home w/ us. I saw her role over, and take her first step. I saw her chase her brother's w/ girly dress up clothes and nail polish. I imagined her getting on the bus w/ the boys. I saw her alive and healthy.

And then I woke up. I woke up to screaming boys fighting over who's toy they were playing with. And at that moment I just layed there & cried, I sobed, & I cried so hard i didn't think i could breathe. At that moment I realized that my life would never be the same. January 7th changed our life forever. Oh how i wish we could go back & rewind those words that the doctor had told us, what I would give to hear her say that there is nothing to worry about she is growing beautifully and looks completely healthy. Everytime you get pregnant or know someone who is they always say "I just pray that it is healthy we don't care what the sex is we just want a healthy baby". It doesn't seem possible that it would be you. That you would be that 1 in 3,000 births. I thought last night that if I am so good w/ these odd's maybe I should start playing the lottery.. LOL (just kidding)

I have gone from sad to angry and back to devasted i don't know how many times in the last 72 hours. I have thrown a tantrum w/ God, I have wanted to rip her out of my body, I have yelled at my kids, I have hugged my kids so tight that they said I was gonna squeeze the air out of them. I have wished I could just stay pregnant forever & then she could be w/ us always, I have woke up to a soaking wet pillow everynight since the news. I was playing w/ the boys earlier today & we were laughing and joking around & then Malachi told me he was so happy he was getting a baby for his birthday..... I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had just been kicked in the gut & all i could think of was God please just help me breathe.

I have learned in the last 24 hours no matter what pain I see down the road, no matter how long this road will take, God will be with us and as long as I am honest w/ him & not push him away he will guide us thru this. David told me the other night that all we can do is pray, pray our guts out because God is the only one that can heal our baby. Doctor's are only human but God is God & he has a plan for us. Although we never imagined that this would be apart of God's plan, I am determined to find purpose in all of this, to make this baby's life mean something to us.

Thank you for all your prayers,
Stefani