a day with no agenda......

Today I was home all day. As much as I always think I want just 1 day at home like it used to be before I started working full time and going to school I am quickly reminded how much I need business.

Houston basically shutdown today for fear of snow today so that meant that me and the boys got a snow day, which was totally awesome last night thinking how we could sleep in and lay around all day in our jammies today w/ out an agenda at all! Until that is we woke up and their was NO snow! my boys were crushed and I was just frustrated. (what a way to start your day)

I wanted to be productive today since I wasn't working and knew I couldn't get any school work done with the boys home. So house here I come you are gonna be clean gosh darn it! Yeah I made it as far as doing the dishes and then doing 1 load of laundry, before I got TOTALLY overwhelmed. When I say overwhelmed I don't just mean normal where do I start stuff..... I was having a panic attack, I started crying when I saw the mounds of laundry in my room and then looking at the boys room and toy room just sent me over the edge. So guess what I did? I crawled in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy. I totally ignored the mess of the house knowing that it was the beginning of the weekend and it was only going to get messier. I gave up!

Today was hard. I wanted to enjoy my boys and it seemed like I just kept getting upset with them or frustrated. I felt so bad and so awful as a mother that I was not enjoying our day together. I couldn't handle being home today with the boys it wasn't because I didn't want it because I did so desperately but my nerves were a wreck and I couldn't handle all the thoughts of Zeke today. It felt like a month had been built up and I hadn't really let myself miss him and so today when I was home alone with all our activities cancelled BAM it hit me and I felt like I was back at that first day of summer with no baby a husband at work and 2 boys who didn't understand why their mother was a complete mess. So finally I grabbed both of them and we cuddled on the couch together and watched a few movies and I was able to calm down and remember that these boys need me more than they need a clean house. They need me to play with them and sit with them while they watch cartoons, so that is what I did it took me all morning to figure it out, but at least I caught it before i lost the whole day.

So yes I am completely busy and I am overwhelmed at times of what all we do, but at the end of the day I would rather be overwhelmed with boys scouts, little league, school and working than being overwhelmed with panic attacks and uncontrollable crying over my sweet little boy Zeke. I may not be able to control what has happened to our family, but I can control my schedule to the point were I am not able to dwell on it and make myself miss him more than what is healthy grieving. Some people think I need to slow down and that I am just masking my grief but I would say to them I am doing what I need to do to survive. I have battled with depression before and it is a HARD place to come out of and I do not want to go down that road again. The only way I know to do that is to do the opposite of what put me there in the first place, STAY BUSY.

writing assignment

I had to write about someones last day on earth before they died for one of my classes. Here is what I wrote from Zeke's perspective, let me know what you think. ..........

Today is my last day alive. I have not lived very long in this life but what a wonderful experience I have had. Most people do not consider me alive, most people do not even consider me to be worth fighting for. That is except my mommy and daddy! I am still in my mommy’s stomach and even though I have yet to take a breath on the outside, my heart is still beating very strong. So many doctor’s have told my mommy that I would not make it, that I was broken and unfixable. Every week they gave her the option to kill me. She never took that option, even though she knew she might have to say goodbye one day.

For some reason my tummy is not growing and my heart is getting to big for my chest, the doctor’s think that before long it will just be to big and my heart will explode in my tiny little chest. My mommy & daddy though know this big guy upstairs called God and they are praying he heals me so that I can be apart of their family. It is still not to late! God can heal me and make my families dream come true. I already am their family, but I want to come home and play with my brothers and have mommy and daddy take care of me.

My mommy layed in bed last night and I talked to her through my kicks, Daddy put his hands on her belly and I kicked him to. He prayed a really good prayer, I liked it. I wish I could of met them, I mean I know them but I wanted to see them. I heard them all these 9 months and they sounded wonderful. My brothers they were constantly talking to me and showing me their toys. My youngest brother Malachi was so excited I was coming right before his birthday! They are a busy group even considering how sad mommy is, she is trying to not let my brothers see her pain. I went to baseball games, and birthday parties, we were at church every weekend and people mommy didn’t even know were praying for her and me. Praying I would come home healthy. I wish I could have been her miracle.

Today is the day my family has been dreading. Today is the day my heart is going to stop. I wish I could change it, I wish I could take the pain away from my family but for some reason I don’t even know, I am supposed to grow up in heaven instead of earth. I will miss the sound of mommy. I hope they have green olives and dr. pepper in heaven. I heard my grandpa just went up to heaven, we just got back from GA and my family has been really sad. I hope he is happy and likes it up there. I wonder if he will know me when I get there. I can’t wait to see him and hear all the stories he has about mommy and daddy and everyone else.

I wish I could of told mommy somehow that that was the last time she would feel me move, cause it is happening right now. My soul is gone. Wow heaven is amaising! He is here! Paw Paw is here at the gate of heaven with his arms open calling my name, he knows me!! I am so glad he is here with me so I am not alone.

preggos vs. babies

new pregnancy's...........

it seems to be getting harder to watch all my friends and people i don't know get pregnant. Don't get me wrong i am genuinely happy for them but at the same time my heart breaks each time i see a new expecting post of FB. i saw a little boy last week at the store blonde hair, blue eyes, about 9 months old sitting in the grocery cart sucking on his paci w/ his blanky in his hand ....... i couldn't stop watching him imaging zeke should be doing the same thing in my cart. zeke should be crawling all over the place & the boys should be running around chasing him and trying to keep all there itty bitty legos from going in his mouth! there are many days when I slam my computer shut not being able to take one more look at all the cute little babies born to all my wonderful friends, & there are just as many days that i can't stop looking at the photos because they are just adorable.

pregnancy's are harder for me still i don't get it, you would think it would be babies. i have no problem holding them, taking care of them (good thing since i work w/ them) lol you can't help but be happy when ur around babies i just wish with every ounce in me that one of them was zeke

3 times a week!!

I am trying to get back into the blogging thing again. I stopped because honestly I didn't want you to have to hear me being so down and sad all the time. So I am committing in my crazy life to blog @ least 3 times a week. It doesn't have to be long but just something to get me writing again and hopefully this will help me get thru this stage in my life, because it sure helped me get through the pregnancy.

I was at my study group for microbiology and we have all been working together for about 3 weeks now and everyone is nice and gets along great but we started chit chatting and getting to know one another a little better. One girl started asking us what made us choose nursing. The conversation turned to me and I froze, I got tears in my eyes and finally told them the "short" story. I think it is interesting when I talk about him or our story I seem to talk faster and & I get nervous. I don't know why I have this THING over me thinking that I have to hide him or be embarressed that I am still so upset over him because he technically didn't live on this earth. Why does that bother me so much? Part of it I think is the constant abuse I got at all the appointments on how they constantly told me I needed to end the pregnancy and how he wasn't gonna live, but still he was a human life and he died. Why do I feel like I have to hide him?

A year later

I can't believe I am sitting here 1 year after my whole world was changed. It was on that dreadful day last January when we found out that Zeke was not the healthy baby we dreamed of. Friday was a rough day it was exactly 1 year since I got that dreadful diagnosis that our sweet baby was severely sick & our life would never be the same.

WOW ! Honestly I am shocked and surprised that we made it. That is probably bad of me to say, but honestly I remember those morning's w/ my tear stained pillow & hugging my belly just screaming out in grief convinced I would not get through the next day. Those countless doctor visits and the joy of hearing his strong heartbeat each week that the doctor's didn't expect. We survived & we are learning how to move on & keep going. I have thrown my focus, my grief into nursing school & boy am I scared, but you know what I have learned through all this ......It is when you are in the fire that your true character shines. I am far from perfect I still get anxious and have anxiety attacks, I still cry uncontrollably some days over my baby boy, but God is carrying me through this it is his footprints in the sand next to mine and just like he walked w/ me through the death of Zeke he will still be here & help me get through school.

The worst year of our life & here we are finally on the other side looking back. We are not walking back into another doctor's office to hear that long list of things wrong w/ our sweet baby. We got thru those days that I never thought would end. I didn't think I would ever say this but apart of me misses those days, and I only say that because that is when we still had faith that he would be healed and come home w/ us to join our family. That is when I felt his sweet kicks when I ate those green olives & fruit smoothies. It was how quiet he got when I ate Mexican food. Those evenings when I lay ed on my left side in bed and he would kick me over and over like he was talking to me. I miss him so much and I will always miss him. There are days that so painful like it feels as if I just delivered him and then the next day it will be full of laughs and silly stories of being pregnant w/ Zeke.

I am excited for a new year and for all the things that we have ahead of us, but then I am sad. I am sad because we are starting a year that doesn't include Zeke. A year with new adventure's and new stories that don't include him and that hurts. We have talked about trying for another baby but I am just so scared to be pregnant again that if I could just come home w/ a baby I would do it tomorrow but being pregnant is petrifying for me. We want more kids & we are sad that their will be such a big gap between the boys and the next baby that is not what we wanted but we can't change that & I am not going to rush to get pregnant just so my kids are not 10 years apart.

Thanksgiving

Well we are here.

Found this it never got posted......

It is officially the holidays! Apart of me is excited & another part of me is sad. On a day when you are supposed to be thankful, I am having to remind myself to be happy for what we do have, when all I have though about is who is not here this year. We are missing 2 people. The first of everything is hard after you have lost a loved one. Not only is it the first holiday w/ out Zeke who would be 6 months old tomorrow, it is the first holiday in Texas and it is the first holiday w/ out Charles, David's dad. Thanksgiving also marks the anniversary for my grandpa who passed away 16 years ago on Thanksgiving morning.

I am sooooo happy that my parents and my sister are on their way right now to spend the holiday with us. I have been dreading the holiday season. I miss my baby and the thought of this being his first holiday is really hard. We should be sneaking him some turkey, and pumpkin pie in his mouth this year.

no catchy title 2day

Its been a rough week for me. I want to write, but honestly I have no words to express how I feel. I am getting good at "pretending" to be just fine and to keep those walls up. Then I walk into church or I come home and stop moving and I fall apart. I am learning to walk this path of grief and every day is a new day filled w/ different emotions & triggers.

Elijah turned 8 and I caught myself looking at his baby pictures and imaging that is exactly what Zeke looked like. David had his birthday and Zeke wasn't here w/ us. The nightmare is still going on, but we have moments where it seems like we are in such a fog that we feel normal for awhile and then all of a sudden we "wake up" and it all comes flooding back, & I ask myself all over again..... Did I really carry a child for 9 months? Was he really stillborn? Did I really have to sign a death certificate and sign it "mother"?

Grief is different for everyone and just because someone is grieving a different way or coping an odd way doesn't mean they are not suffering a great loss. We just want to be heard, we just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am so afraid he will be forgotten and I can't talk about him. I am so afraid that I have to push this sadness under the rug because my "time limit" of being sad has expired.