Today is my last day alive. I have not lived very long in this life but what a wonderful experience I have had. Most people do not consider me alive, most people do not even consider me to be worth fighting for. That is except my mommy and daddy! I am still in my mommy’s stomach and even though I have yet to take a breath on the outside, my heart is still beating very strong. So many doctor’s have told my mommy that I would not make it, that I was broken and unfixable. Every week they gave her the option to kill me. She never took that option, even though she knew she might have to say goodbye one day.
For some reason my tummy is not growing and my heart is getting to big for my chest, the doctor’s think that before long it will just be to big and my heart will explode in my tiny little chest. My mommy & daddy though know this big guy upstairs called God and they are praying he heals me so that I can be apart of their family. It is still not to late! God can heal me and make my families dream come true. I already am their family, but I want to come home and play with my brothers and have mommy and daddy take care of me.
My mommy layed in bed last night and I talked to her through my kicks, Daddy put his hands on her belly and I kicked him to. He prayed a really good prayer, I liked it. I wish I could of met them, I mean I know them but I wanted to see them. I heard them all these 9 months and they sounded wonderful. My brothers they were constantly talking to me and showing me their toys. My youngest brother Malachi was so excited I was coming right before his birthday! They are a busy group even considering how sad mommy is, she is trying to not let my brothers see her pain. I went to baseball games, and birthday parties, we were at church every weekend and people mommy didn’t even know were praying for her and me. Praying I would come home healthy. I wish I could have been her miracle.
Today is the day my family has been dreading. Today is the day my heart is going to stop. I wish I could change it, I wish I could take the pain away from my family but for some reason I don’t even know, I am supposed to grow up in heaven instead of earth. I will miss the sound of mommy. I hope they have green olives and dr. pepper in heaven. I heard my grandpa just went up to heaven, we just got back from GA and my family has been really sad. I hope he is happy and likes it up there. I wonder if he will know me when I get there. I can’t wait to see him and hear all the stories he has about mommy and daddy and everyone else.
I wish I could of told mommy somehow that that was the last time she would feel me move, cause it is happening right now. My soul is gone. Wow heaven is amaising! He is here! Paw Paw is here at the gate of heaven with his arms open calling my name, he knows me!! I am so glad he is here with me so I am not alone.
Hi. We dont know each other but I have been reading your blog. Wow! You are truly an amazing wife and mother. God must be so proud of you. Your posts of little Zeke have touched my heart. As a mother of 2 girls, I can only begin to imagine the pain you have gone through. I'm praying that each day your pain will lessen. What a wonderful day it will be when you get to spend eternity with him. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteThat was really sweet what you wrote. I hope somehow it helped to write from his perspective. I saw someone on the G&L boards wrote something that made me think of you. She said
ReplyDelete"Don't plan on pulling yourself together...and please don't take that in a negative way. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel hollow and afraid. Tragedies rip us apart in ways that we'll never fully recover from. (At least in this life.) You'll never be the same person as you were before you lost Zeke (I inserted his name here to pertain to you). The fears, the "what ifs," those moments of panic, the desire to have him back, and the hole in your heart are now a part of your daily life. Time heals nothing. Time does, however, make you stronger. You will find that through this loss you will become a better wife, mother, friend, sister, and person. You will be more compassionate, intuitive, sensitive, and deeply grateful for the other blessings in your life. Without pain, you cannot appreciate joy and love as strongly. I pray that you don't feel like you have to "heal" in a certain time frame and that you embrace this new life. Bittersweet as it is, you will find joy again."
You are a very stong woman. I know you have faith. I just wish I could help heal your pain.
This is a beautiful post. Praying for you as always.
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