strength

A dear friend of mine shared this with me the other day & it touched me so much that I keep reading it and re reading it! She is going thru her own personal heart wrenching story & yet she still has the strength & compassion to write me w/ such wisdom. I just pray that one day I can be there for someone else like she has been for me! I love you Lindsay & am amazed at your strength, hope you don't mind I included you in this post.

"Strength isn't denial. Strength is being honest with yourself and others and knowing that whatever happens, you will deal with it and persevere by God's grace. Strength is praying for others (us) in the midst of your own suffering. Strength is not running from anything no matter how badly you want to hide."

I never thought of strength that way, I always imagined it as being tough & not breaking down, or having a bad day w/ lots of tears. When really it is facing your situation head on and not allowing the enemy to get between you and God. We will persevere by his grace and his grace alone! I have never felt like God was walking with me everyday as much as I have these last few weeks. I was reading my bible the other morning & I just started crying... God told me "Don't be angry or sad w/ the time you may not have with him, but be grate full for the time you do have." At that moment I touched my stomach & my little boy kicked my hand. =) I was never fond of being pregnant w/ the boys I was always ready for it to be over so I could have my body back and hold them in my arms. This time around I am so more intuned to my body and every little twinge or pain I have. When I lay my head down @ night I do shed a tear not for what may lay ahead but for another day being gone. Every sunset that comes, every sunrise that we see is one day closer to the end of this pregnancy & possibly his life. So many woman count down until their due date, I am counting the days we have left & wishing I could keep him safe in my belly forever.

Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Yesterday was hard, Yesterday was agonizing & then everything that I needed to get done last night was just magnified to the point I thought I was going to hyper ventilate. I have got a lot of comments from people saying how strong I have been & I feel honored that you think so. Yesterday I wasn't strong, yesterday I was a wreck, I could not stop my eyes from welling up all day just when you think letting it all out will make you feel better. It doesn't it made me feel worse. I couldn't help but think of things NO MOTHER should every have to think about let alone research. Yes there is still plenty of room for a miracle & I am trusting God completly for his will to be done & hoping his will is my wish 4 a healthy baby w/ our family. But as we all know some prayer's just aren't answered in the way we expect them. Last night I found a photographer who is involved w/ "Now I lay me down to sleep", she will be there when we go into labor and will volunteer her time to take pictures of us w/ him. I was stressing out about having to pay for a funeral if God's plan is to take him straight to heaven. I found out that most funeral homes don't charge for a baby memorial. How sad that I actually felt relief & thought okay we can give our son a proper burial with not having to worry about money. I know it is pathetic and so many people are probably yelling at the blog right now saying I am not giving God a chance to heal my baby, its not over yet and that I just need to stay strong! I would say that you; are so off base. I want nothing more than to have God heal my baby, I do not want to bury my son, I do not want to look at every baby boy & think what if?! I don't want to watch my 2 little boys grieve for their baby brother. I do not want to look at a c/section scare for the rest of my life & know I chose that over a natural birth to give him a chance to be born alive, so we could meet him. As much as I don't want that & w/ all my heart I would do anything for him to live, his short life may be our future. How I am dealing w/ it now will be totally different than how I deal w/ it the day he is born.

I am petrified, sad, freaked out, angry, jealous, stressed & every other emotion you can imagine, but I can tell you we are still laughing & telling jokes. The Joy of the Lord is an amaising thing & it is all over our house. I can not imagine going thru this with out God, with out our faith. Because of him I have been able to get out of bed in the morning, because of him the littlest task of making coffee doesn't seem so impossible. I love the fact that our marriage is stronger than ever, & that rock I prayed so hard for is my wonderful husband. He is getting me thru this & we are helping eachother celebrate each day of our pregnancy. Our Parents & family have been wonderful. They let us be completely honest w/ our feelings whether they are right, wrong, or just plain insane. My mom has offered to come out (8 hour drive) when I have appts if david can't get off work, so I don't have to go by myself (I love you momma!) I may have a bad day, but then the next day is okay & okay for me right now is what you might call your great day.

I am sorry if this was a sad, somber post, but it is what I have felt the last few days & just like this came all of a sudden, my joy will come back soon & I will post a more postitive blog.

BABY MANGO!

The name hunting has began & until then he is refereed to as baby mango. I was @ my ultrasound w/ my sister and mom when they were asking how big he should be, I told them I have an app on my phone that compares him to fruit or veggies. Last week he should of been the size of a baby mango... hence Aunt Jessica named him BABY MANGO! =)

This time around it is defiantly a different feeling picking out his name. We don't have the excitement of choosing his name like we have in the past we just kind of have this heavy feeling,I can't really explain it. It is not that he doesn't deserve a name he does in fact he deserves the BEST name ever, but just like everything else once we name him it feels THAT MUCH MORE REAL & THAT HARDER TO ACCEPT! It is hard to believe that he is really that sick. I feel great better than I did when I was pregnant w/ the boys. The fact is that w/ out God's supernatural healing he will not be coming home & we know that, but then once you put a name to him (other than baby mango) it is real, it is not just a nightmare that wont go away when you wake up. If we talk about a name than we are talking about the end, we want him to have such a wonderful name, followed by such a wonderful meaning because this might be one of the only decision's we make as his parents & it has got to be a great one! Yes I know God can perform a miracle and I am believing it with all I can you have no idea, but in order for me to stay sane I have to think about the reality as well. What if God's plan of healing is different than our plan? I have to be prepared for that & just because I am doesn't mean I still don't have faith in the one who can heal him right this second! Please Pray that God gives us the perfect name for this little mango, just like God thought we were his perfect parents.

Thank you again for all your prayers we need all the prayer & support to keep us moving forward & leaning on God. Please pray for our Faith to continue to grow it is a min by min battle we have to fight. Pray for strength & wisdom as we try and find the right words to tell the most excited big brothers that their little baby is very sick & that God may take him straight to heaven after he is born. We love you all.

His mercy's are new every morning!

I have been trying to figure out how to write this update. With all that I have written this is the hardest & probably the most honest post I will write.

Monday I decided at the last min to call the specialist and see if he could squeeze me on Tuesday. I was starting to get nervous & really wanted my mom to go with me. They called me the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in no problem. I was calm & excited to see our baby on the ultrasound & full of complete faith that I would walk in and see a beautiful healthy baby girl. Back up a few weeks & I had a conversation w/ God, actually I had a yelling match w/ God. I was laying on my bed pounding the mattress w/ my fist, crying out to him "Please Please don't make me have to hold my baby girl & watch her die in our arms. Please God show me mercy!" I say this with alot of anxiety, I don't want to be judged & I don't want anyone to think I don't love this little boy! Because you have no idea how much I look forward to being a mother of 3 beautiful boys! As a mother w/ 2 boys we thought a little girl would complete our family we dreamed of pink dresses and bows in her curly hair. We pictured her big brother's watching out for and being her bodyguard. Daddy wanted his little girl, just like momma had her little boy's. I was sitting on that bed watching the ultrasound & I saw our precious little boy! @ that moment it hit me God just showed me a glimps of mercy & I just became numb...the doctor didn't have to say anything because when she introduced me to the genetic counselor I knew it was bad .

She explained to us the whole situation and all theu "what if's" she was wonderful and sweet & someone I would love to hang out with if it was under completely different circumstances. She gave us a lot of information & talked w/ us for almost 2 hours. By the time we left we were just overwhelmed w/ information & shock of the results. There are 3 parts of our brain that tells us to do things, the part in the middle that controls our breathing & tells us to swallow is completely missing, not underdeveloped or broke, it is COMPLETELY MISSING! How does that happen, how does such a vital part of our existance just not exist? Not to mention about 4 other abnormailites that they saw, but if they were all seperate it wouldn't be a problem to meet w/ a surgon to try and get them fixed, but because they are all combined somehow to the babies makeup. I am not going to get into detail mainly so i can see the screen and not ruin my keyboard with all the wet tears. But know this we need nothing short of a miracle to save our little boy. I know there our people all across this world praying for him.

GRACE

After everything that I have been through the last week I really felt like I needed to go to the CALL and take a stand against abortion. I needed to go say "Satan you thought you were going to get this baby, you almost did, but my God is bigger and my God's grace is sufficient to overcome any decision I consider!" So I went w/ my mom and my sister Sunday night & it was amazing. We then went to the rally/march on Monday & took a stand against ending abortion & praying for Revival. I also was amazed at the amount of compassion I felt & I knew that was only because of the grace that was given me this last week about the very same topic. God gave me a name for my baby this weekend & it is so beautiful & so perfect I can not wait to share it w/ you, but it will have to wait until we know for sure what the sex of the baby is.

On Sunday we ran into some dear old friends who are working w/ Lou Engle. I shared my story & she offered to pray for me & I gladly accepted. She started to pray along w/ her husband and a friend when all of a sudden she disappeared. My mom told me later that she left and came back w/ over 30 of Lou Engle's interns! I couldn't believe, I still can't believe the outpouring of prayer we have received, it is truly the work of God! They are all from Kansas City & have been in the wonderful outpouring of IHOP & have seen many babies who where diagnosed w/ life threatening situations & disorder's to be born COMPLETELY HEALTHY! PRAISE GOD! I had no idea there were so many people around me praying, but what I did hear from their prayers was so right on, it only built up my faith knowing that I once doubted, I didn't hear from God. Only to be reminded so frequently in the last few weeks that God has a plan. He has a plan that can only be orchestrated by him & him alone.

Restoration

It has been awhile since I have been on here & I am sorry for not being current on my updates, but I have good reason! I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT W/ GOD! =)

It is hard to believe it has been 12 days since the ground underneath fell threw. I have been through so many emotion's and feeling's it is overwhelming. I am not going to sugar coat my feelings hear & if you don't like them or don't believe I should be feeling this way... a dear friend told me "Opinion's are like garbage...we all have them & they all stink!" LOL I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to be honest with you, myself but more importantly to God, he already knows the way we feel. Yet we so many of us think that if we don't express our true feeling's then maybe he will never know.

God has brought me so far and it has only been 12 days! I have gone from loving my baby, to hating the fact I may have a sick baby growing inside me. I have gone from loving God to being angry with God. I have gone from cloud 9 all the way down to feeling like I am in the pit of hell. I have been jealous of all the families with 3 healthy children, to praying that I could hold my 3rd little one alive for just 1 min. I am reminded of the part in the Shack when Papa tells Mack, "When you are buried in your pain, perhaps you loose sight of me." I have been buried in my pain, I have been buried in my pain so deeply that I have treated my children differently, I have been mad at my husband for him handling this better (even tho that is what I prayed for).I have been so buried in my pain that I considered doing something totally against my beliefs.... I wanted to terminate this pregnancy. I was going to be responsible of stopping my child's heart, because I was to scared to travel this long scary road ahead of me. As hard as that was to share with everyone, it also has so much freedom to it as well. As much as I wanted to believe that would be strong in the midst of a trial, I wasn't I fell apart & I was ashamed & wondering where I really was in my relationship w/ God. I as a mother justified everything I believe so strongly about because I felt it would be worse on my boys if they held their dying baby in their arms vs me just having a "miscarriage."

I have come to realize in the last week, that no matter the feeling's or the emotion's, I am still a child of God & he still loves me. I have felt the love and compassion for my baby more this last week than I can imagine. My faith has been restored,(I admit is still the size of a mustard seed, but last week it wasn't even that) my confidence has been lifted, & my compassion has multiplied beyond measure. I talked about in one of my previous post's about how I felt angry with God about how I didn't understand why this was happening to me. A very wise friend suggested a different viewpoint. Honor... Feel Honored that God is trusting you with such a tough trial. So many people would turn their back on God, but believing that God trust's David and I to cling to him, to trust him, & to believe that no matter what the end result is we will believe that he will turn these ashes into beauty.

So that is what I am going to do. I am going to trust God in this scary time, I am going to love my boys & talk to them about the baby like she is going to live. I am going to believe that my baby will live & not die! Now I am not naive & I know that I will still have horrible days & will still shed many tears, @ least now I will allow God to walk with me & I will remember that just because God made something good out of a terrible situation, does not mean he orchestrated that situation. God does not need a tragedy to accomplish his purpose in our life.

waterproof makeup!

As I was putting on my makeup this afternoon, yes I didn't get dressed until this afternoon. I was thinking that I needed to buy waterproof mascara when I go to the store next time. Then I got thinking someone needs to invent tear proof makeup all around. This last week I felt like putting on makeup has just been a waste of time, because in no time it would be "cried off". I was actually pretty surprised because I hadn't cried in almost 2 days, I was starting to wonder if I was in denial and then I walked into my kitchen and saw that my dishwasher did a terrible job of cleaning my dishes & the water works just started flowing! I felt my chest get tight and the whole world just fall beneath me! I could not even focus on getting the boys a snack, so I opened up the pantry and put everything on the table & went to my bed & cried my eyes out basically it was a tantrum. I couldn't get myself together, I felt like I was drowning in my tears all I wanted was for David to get home & rescue me. Eventually by the grace of God, pulled it together and was able to get David some dinner shortly after he got home.

I was reminded of a poem my Grandma wrote. She wrote this right before my Grandpa lost his battle to cancer 15 years ago. I have asked her permission to include it tonight because honestly every second that I ask God to help me breathe, I have to remind myself of her poem. I have printed off a copy and I have put it in my purse so I can look at it anytime I need to.

God Cares

As a very young girl, my heart searched for love,
I prayed, “God in heaven, send me one you chose from above”

You gave to me the perfect sweetheart, so many hopes and dreams we
Shared; the one constant joy in our life, was that we always knew, you cared.

There were wonderful days, many victories won,
There were sad days, like the day we lost our baby son.

Our lives were blessed by our six children, that we dedicated back to you,
We loved them so much and prayed, to you they’d be true.

Along with the joy of our children, you gave us an added treat,
Our sweet precious grandchildren gathered at our feet.

We hadn’t imagined that one of us would leave so soon, and for those left
Behind, a great sorrow we now share.
Please, God, as in the days of my youth, come help us to know your with us
And still care.

The days will be lonely and the nights hard to bear, I’m comforted and not
Afraid of tomorrow, because You God, are already there.

Our final joy as we meet in heaven, our life will be complete,
We’ll join with our family, and gather at your feet

Since the day of creation, sending us Jesus, you shared,
May mankind that comes after us, know the same knowledge,

That You Cared!!!

Written: November 15, 1994 4:30 am
By: Henrietta R. Pearce

I never imagined I would be faced with such a hard trial, & I admit in the midst of all the pain it is so hard to remember that "God Cares", because honestly it doesn't even feel like he knows my name. What I have learned in my struggles is that no matter how mad, upset, or angry I get @ God as long as I am honest w/ him my relationship will grow. I do believe that it is those trials that make you who you are but honestly I have been through the fear of possibly losing Malachi when he was a baby, as far as I am considered I have been through the crap. Obviously God doesn't think so. What I have learned these last few day's is that I may have gone through some crap before, but I didn't gain the faith, compassion, nor the respect so many families deserve because they themselves have had life threatening situations with there children.

On a positive note, I believe my belly has grown since last Thursday so that is promising! We are still believing in a miracle. I have proclaimed Life over this baby & I am so thankful that everyday I wake up, God tells me "okay today you can do this, just think of today & believe in yourself & I will help you breathe."