You think your doing okay considering the prognosis of Zeke & then BAM out of no where you get hit w/ emotions that you don't even understand. From the moment I woke up today I just felt burden down & sad. I can't explain it really I just was walking in a cloud today. I cried for no reason during church, after church on the way home & while I was @ walmart this afternoon. I had to make myself do an Easter egg hunt for the boys. Finally @ 630 I mustered up enough courage & strength. We ended up having some great laughs but I just didn't feel right even during the laughter I would stop & think.
Then it dawned on me this is the 2nd Easter in a row I have been pregnant. I had a feeling last year this same weekend that I was pregnant but didn't take a test until a few days later. It was a few days before Mother's Day when we lost our baby. A year later & I am pregnant again, & in a sense like last year I feel like I'm in the same position. Now I'm not saying I expect Zeke to die NO I am trying to believe he will live. Zeke Has to LIVE, but all my doctors expect him to die. Whats different from last year? As horiable & agonizing as it was to go thru such a painful miscariage @ least it was all over within a few weeks. Today I have been carrying this impending what if since the middle of December, 4 months & I still have 2 more to go.
I'm scared. I am sooo tired. This weekend I threw myself into working on his nursery because I felt like that would make me have HOPE & Faith today. My heart is heavy today & ever since I left that childrens hospital I can't help but imagine my little baby living there fighting for his life at just a mere 2lbs. His room looks beautiful but I can't help but wonder if he will ever use it or will it turn into a shrine or something painful I will have to walk by everyday after he is gone. I think my fears are getting stronger because my time w/ him in my belly is diminishing greatly. I am so scared now @ 29 weeks just thinking of having 10 weeks left I can't fathom the fear & anticipation come June. I feel defeated I don't think my belly has grown in the last few weeks. I have lost some weight & am just not looking like I should @ 7 1/2 months. I go in for another scan in a little over a week & I admit I keep putting it off, because I do not want to face the fact that he may not be growing. I keep asking God why?
Most days I just pretend that everything is okay, (it's just easier that way)& he is perfectly healthy, but what if he isn't? How does a person walk thru that? How does a family keep going on when they lost a son & a brother? There are some people out there that keep telling us everything will be okay & in the end he will be born completly healthy. Somedays, most days I believe that with my whole heart & other days like today I feel alone facing the truth of what is going on inside me. So tonight I ask for strength & peace to get us through the next 10 weeks. I pray we savor everyday we have w/ him because more than ever we don't know how long we really have with our precious Zeke William.
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I cannot write that I know or can even fathom the depths of what you are feeling and going through at this time. . . BUT, I do want you to know that you are not alone. There are people that are praying for you, your family and your precious baby. God is with you -- even -- and especially, I believe -- at these times when you feel overwhelmed and alone. Thank you for sharing your honest emotions -- you and your precious baby are touching more lives than you will ever know. . .
ReplyDeletethank you for your kind words... could i ask who this is?
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind my comments but I feel like I have a small concept of what you are experiencing. I too was told with my 3rd child that there was a good chance he wouldn't live and though I believe in miracles and I know they still happen today I still believe the Lord lets us experience pain. How do you know joy when you don't know pain and the Lord works in mysterious ways. You never know what His plan is for you. So when I was pregnant with my sick baby I hoped and prayed for miracles but I prepared for the worst. I wanted my heart and mind to be ready for the goodbye so I wouldn't be shattered if the "what if" really happened. Through my prayers I felt that the only way I could possibly go on after losing a son is knowing that I will see him again. Death is not the end only the beginning. I took comfort knowing that if my son died he would just be returned to a loving Heavenly Father and I would see him again some day. These are my beliefs and it is what brought me comfort. I'm so sorry for your pain Stephani. I know I can't fully understand what you are going through but my heart hurts for you and I pray that you can find your way through this moment in your life. I believe that God loves you, loves your son and hears your prayers. I also have faith that his will and his way is always the best; in life or death. Prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Kelli
Steph- if you read my last blog entry http://coresonfamily.blogspot.com/ there is a very small account of when my son was born. It was nothing I'm sure as what it will be like when you have Zeke but maybe it can give you some hope. I don't know- maybe not.
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