Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Overwhelmed
I am wanting to let everyone know that I may be strong and optimistic 1 day (like yesterday) & then completly pesimistic the next (today). I am honored that so many people think I am so strong, but honestly I am barely hanging on! Today my eyes were full of tears. Today I felt suffocated & in complete despair. Today I felt like I was drowning & my whole world was crashing around me. I stood in my classroom watching my kids in complete caios & all I could do was stand there & cry. I cried this morning in the middle of my class! I have not felt such overwhelming sense of hopelessness since January 7th @ the first ultrasound. It felt like the next hour was a lifetime away & I had NO idea how I was gonna pull it together. If I could of left my class (I have no assistant) I would of gone straight to my boss & quit. I did not see how I could get thru the next few weeks workin there let alone the rest of the day. I left for my break today & I cried my eyes out the whole time I was gone! I say all that to say I'm only human, I am still sooo scared & petrified I don't know how I am going to get thru the next min let alone the next 4 weeks. Strength is not running away it is accepting things head on & walking it out but today I wanted to run away I wanted to run away so bad I could barely breathe. If it wasn't for God & God alone I wouldn't of been able to get as far in this trial as I have, but it is also far from over & I can only imagine that the emotions will get stronger & harder to deal with. I just pray I can keep it together while I am at work & when I am with my kids. I pray I keep looking to God & that I don't turn angry & hopeless towards the one that has brought me this far.
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Stefani, everything you are feeling is absolutely to be expected. God understands all of your emotions and reactions (even the not so strong ones). He really does. He also understands all the "whys" of the situation. If only WE had the luxury of "understanding", huh? I pray you feel His arms of love around you through this journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm also praying for miracles beyond your wildest expectation.
Stefani, I love your honesty. The vulnerability that you are displaying here will be a light to so many people. Praying for you every day.
ReplyDeletePlease know that many people are praying for you. Not just friends and family but, those that you don't even know that have been touched by the words in your blog. Rely on the knowledge that you do not have to be strong everyday. God is still with you. God will carry you through this time. You've probably read that poem about footprints in the sand. Paraphrasing a bit, it tells the story of a man who is walking on the beach with Jesus. The man is looking back at the path of his life and notices that at the worst times in his life there was only 1 set of footprints. The man asks Jesus "Why did you abandon me at the times I needed you most?" And Jesus replies, "My precious son, when you see only 1 set of footprints, that is when I carried you." Allow yourself to be carried through this time Stephanie. You are in my prayers. I pray that God gives you the strength and guidance you need. And I pray that you find some comfort during this time.
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