Its been awhile since I have been on here. So much has happened & so much has changed since I have been on here. My friend made a comment on here Facebook status today..."Dont ever ever ask what can happen next, because you may not like the answer." We all know how true that is but when it actually hits home, it can completely take your breath away. I am tired and so frusterated with everything our family has had to deal with in this last year. All I can do is cry out to God and yell "Enough is Enough!"
April 29th. That day has always meant something to me. It is my dad's birthday. My dad is a wonderful man. My dad is an amaising, loving, strong, protective & brillant man. He is full of wisdom & love for his family it just oozes out of him. His faith is strong and solid, the example he has given us could not of been better. I could not of asked for a better man than my father. I love him & admire him so much. Unfortunatly that day now means something else. April 29th is not only marked by the birth of my dad, but is now marked w/ the death of another man. Not only was I blessed w/ a wonderful father but when I married my husband I was blessed with a wonderful father in law. I have tried to write this so many times, and I havent felt like I could say the right words, maybe today i still can't but I am going to try.
April 29th my father in law passed away. It was a total suprise, he had been sick & in the hospital, but we thought he was getting better. We are all shocked by this and we just feel like it is a terriable nightmare. We are all grieving in our own way for this wonderful man that has left us way to early. As hard as it is to imagine our life w/ out him, I can't stop thinking of what a wonderful time he is having w/ Jesus. He loved his family, and he loved God. He knew the scripture like the back of his hand, he knew so much about everything it was amaizing. I remember I was always embarresed when he would ask me something about were I grew up (Oregon) he always stumped me and I always laughed cause I had no idea what the answer was. I always would tease him when it came to football, by telling him orange was a better color than red (even tho we all know that's a lie) He always treated me like I was his own daughter & not just his son's wife. He was a wonderful pawpaw to my boys as well as a wonderful dad to my husband. It was so hard to say goodbye to him last weekend. As hard as it was for me I can't imagine the pain my mother in law & his children are feeling. My heart broke for them this weekend watching them have to say goodbye to him. It made me realize more than ever how precious life really is. And even when we are going through our own personal hell, someone else out there is going through it worse.
As I sit here I am 34 weeks pregnant w/ Zeke. 6 weeks until all of our questions will be answered. 6 weeks! It doesnt even seem possible that I will be in labor so soon & we will be holding our precious baby boy. We don't know what is going to happen w/ Zeke if he will survive & shock the medical world or if in 6 weeks we will be planning another funeral. Up until last week I kept going back and forth of wanting to know what Zeke's prognosis was I wanted to believe that I had a tiny but beautiful baby growing inside me, but I didn't want to be in denial of the truth either. This last week reality is hitting me in the face, & the thought of Zeke not surving just kills me & seems more of a reality than ever before. As hard as it is to admit and accept that Zeke may not make it my husband is right when he sayed, "If Zeke doesn't make it at least Pawpaw will be able to hold him until we can." He is right because that is who these 2 great dad's are. They are protector's & comfortor's, they are strenghth & full of wisdom when we need them. My dad is my rock & he is there to always support me & love me. Here is there for me when I need advice & when I just need a big hug like last weekend. It is ingrained in them to take care of their families no matter what. My husband does it, my dad does it & my father in law did it. Just because Charles is not physically here doesn't mean he will stop. Even as Charles is dancing on the streets of gold with Jesus & eating dinner w/ the great men of the bible he studied for so many years, he will take care of Zeke for us, until we join him in Heaven.
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Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you and your family have my deepest sympathy for your loss. Even though this is a difficult time for you, I am still impressed that your spirit is shining through. I believe God does not give us more than we can handle together and God (obviously) has a lot of confidence in your abilities! Hang in there. You are not alone. Take care of yourself and your family. Remember, you are loved and always will be. . .and God is with you through it all.
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