no more date night's

The nights are the worst

The nights are when Zeke and I had our "mommy date's" That is when I would feel Zeke the most in my belly That was when we had "our special" time together I would have a drink of something sweet before bed and then I would go lay down on my left side and we would talk. I would rub my belly and he would grab my hand with each little kick he sent. I would tell him about our day together and the crazy things his big brothers had done. Last night I went to bed and I layed on my left side (1st time since being home) and i touched my belly just hoping he would talk back to me. I just want to go back and soak in that last night when we talked, when we communicated as only a mother and her child can. I wish I would of known, I wish I could remember. The tears that I believed I had all cried out, came back in such a flood I couldn't stop. David held on to me and we just cried for our little baby, cried because this is the path we didn't want. Cried because we knew his body was all alone @ that terriable funeral home; when really he should be laying in between us wrapped in his blue blanket w/ a pacifier (binky) in his mouth. The emptiness runs so deep inside me I can't even begin to describe it and yes I know he is in a better place, but right now as a grieving mommy I think my arms are the best place for him right now!

Since coming home I have been pretty numb. Not very emotional or teary eyed but just walking around in a complete fog trying to come to grips with my new life, as a mother of 3 and also as a mother who will bury her baby. The thought of where Zeke is just makes me want to hurl, he should not be in a little box, but in my arms! He should be home watching his brothers dance in front him and lay on his daddy's chest. We should be getting congratulation flower's and cards, not sympathy flowers and card's. (not that they were not apreciated they were very much) My milk is starting to come in and that is just making it worse knowing that Zeke really is not here w/ us.

I am recovering fairly well. My back really hurts still from the epidural, but other than that I am just really tired and hormonal. Pray for David as he not only has to deal w/ the post partum hormones but also the grieving parent hormones. My husband has been wonderful even though he is going through his own grief, he has been so strong for me and our boys, I am so thankful I could not get thru this with out him.