busy is best for me

Some days you just wake up and everything that could go wrong goes completely wrong. Today I had one of those days. I wanted to start over only 5 min after I had gotten up. When you are at your calm, happy, "normal" self burnt coffee, spilled coffee, forgotten lunches, almost missed bus, lost homework, phone battery going dead, no parking spot at work, lost keys, and a misplaced shoe & a messed up DVR would just frustrate you, but when you are a grieving mom you feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. The anxiety comes over you and you can't even do the simplest thing like finding paper towels to clean up the spilled coffee or getting in the car to drop the lunches off @ school. These things are not that big of a deal but for me the last few months you would think I was trying to solve world peace.

At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.

The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!

I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.

this is not how it should be, but it is

well it has been awhile.......

I have been wanting to get on here, but honestly I just didn't know what to write. I am tired of always sounding "down" so I figured I would just stay off the blog for awhile but I missed it. I missed writing and pouring my feelings out it is just so much easier to work them out this way. So I am back and it is hard to be open now after he is gone, I feel much more vulnerable and honestly I just can't take any more criticism or "cliche's". I know I have to expect that when I get on here and pour my feelings out for everyone to read, but I can't hide how I feel.

I feel like now that it has been 4 months I have to be brave, tough and get through this, move on. That is how the world makes you feel. I am a grieving mommy, yes he never lived on this earth, but he lived. He lived in my heart, in my belly for 9 months. He is my baby and I am tired of the "world" saying his isn't, & that " well it is for the best, & God must of needed him in heaven more, God knew what he was doing. WHATEVER!!! FYI don't tell anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one any of that. It is the biggest line of crap (yes i just sayed crap lol) I have heard. God didn't do this to Zeke and God didn't do this to me. I know people mean well, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just give us a hug, don't say anything just hug us and let us cry on your shoulder. God cried over the loss of Zeke and it breaks his heart to see his family miss him so desperately. I know my God is bigger than this, I know he is. Do I feel it some day's? NO. Does it make it any easier? NO. Do I get angry? YOU BET I DO. But if I want to see Zeke again, I have to believe, I can't turn away from my faith I have to believe God has a plan for all of this and as much as it hurts I have to keep going on & trust him. I have to choose that even though God gives away and he takes away his is still faithful and he sees the bigger picture.

He was my baby. He was apart of me & my heart loved him just as much as I love Elijah and Malachi. Just because he did not take a breathe on this earth doesn't make him any more real to me. I had to sign a death certificate, I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for him. His monogram ed clothes, & all his "stuff" is still in his nursery. Sometimes I walk by his room and I just stand in the door way and imagine him sleeping in his crib or pretend that David is changing his diaper on the changing table, & then I see the box from the hospital and all the grieving pamphlets and his footprints, & then I see him. What I have left of him & it all comes back & I realize that my nightmare is true.

I remember laying in bed the morning I delivered Zeke. David held me in his arms and we just cried and I told him I can't do this, I can't do this, please don't make me do this. I can't walk in that hospital and deliver our dead baby! I then yelled @ God asking him why I have to do this..... I remember David got up and got ready and as I watched him I kept thinking I needed to get up but I could not move, I physically I felt completely numb. Once he helped me out of bed I remember thinking that this will be the worst day of your life & just like yesterday ended, so will today. I just started saying the name JESUS over & over under my breathe & I felt like I watched myself go through the next 2 days.

4 months later & I feel like it was 2 days ago. I can tell when I try to push it out of my mind and get busy w/ the boys, work and just life, that I am trying to ignore the pain praying it will one day leave. It doesn't it just lays dormant until something triggers a memory. I started to feel guilty because I hadn't cried for him in almost a week. Then out of the blue something triggered the pain, the memories and all the heartache, last night that happened to me. We were sitting at a meeting for the boys when they had a family come up their 3 month old baby was in ICU and had been for almost 3 weeks, It took everything in me to not get up and walk out. I probably would have if there were more people. I cried myself to sleep last night holding onto his blanket that we wrapped him in & all day today has been a constant battle to not break down in tears.

Death sucks! Grief sucks! There is no magic potion or formula to follow. We all go through it differently and we all have "our moments". I think what shocks me more than anything is how suddenly the grief can come on you. I can be playing and goofing off w/ the boys and all of a sudden I just start crying, I hear a song on the radio or walk past his room & I just fall to the floor w/ grief and cry that deep uncontrollable cry. The next day I can walk by his room & smile thinking about what a wonderful time he is having in heaven.

I feel like I was all over the place w/ this blog, I guess that is what happens when you have a month of emotions all jumbled up and I feel like I rambled and didn't make any sense, but oh well I feel better and right now that is what I needed. I needed to put my words out there and work through this.

Joy of the Lord

I am going to try and make a point to get on here when I have my good days. I don't know why it is but for some reason I seem to only write when I am having a rough day. I want you all to know that I do have good days in between my rough days. I really have just been dealing w/ a broken heart. Some days I laugh, some days I am angry and other days I am really sad. I feel like I am one the longest roller coaster every made.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I am brokenhearted. I lost my baby boy and I really do not know how to get through it, except that I keep waking up every morning and I keep praying every day to ask God to hold me up.

John 14:27 Peace I leave you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, do I give to you.
I am walking in his peace. His peace is the only thing that is getting me through this. I may have alot of questions about what happened with Zeke and I may not understand why he had to die, but I still have peace. I can't explain it but I can be full of questions and yet still have the peace of God.

My boys are the best medicine! They are putting smiles on my face and constantly doing something to make me laugh. They can pull me out of any funk that I may be in, in a matter of min. Malachi is our comedian! He is always saying something silly, burping & saying that is a sign my tank is full! Even when Malachi asked me if he could have my iphone when I died, that cracked me up. They are constantly giving me hugs and kisses and just being silly. They remind me that even though Zeke died, he still is apart of our family. They like to talk about him and what he is doing in heaven w/ pawpaw. They wonder if Pop is teaching him baseball and pushing him around in a golden stroller. Since I have told him he is in heaven watching over us like Angels they now think they have a brother w/ wings like a superhero ...... "No one in our class has a superhero as a brother mom that is AWESOME!!" We went to Ikea to walk around and look at some new bedroom furniture for the boys and I am not joking when I say this.... Malachi opened up every fridge, hoping to find food and layed on almost every bed and pretended to snore and then bam he was up and on to the next bed. All while asking me to take pictures of him being silly. Elijah was visiting my parents last month and they had hotdogs one day, my mom asked him why he wasn't eating it yet and he replied, "I gotta wait until my crack cools down!" Even if you are crying and really having a bad day it is those silly statements from my boys that are getting me through our darkest moment.

So I do get mad, and I do get very sad but 10 minutes later my boys will say something that makes me laugh so hard I could pee my pants and that is why I am so thankful to have the joy of the Lord all over my house. I am so glad that I have my boys and my husband to keep me laughing even when somedays all I want to do is cry.

Here is a few pictures of my crazy boys!

Trust....

It is supposed to get easier as the days go by. I thought I was actually doing very good considering all that has happened and then my faith got tested. It is easy for us to believe in God but to trust him.....that is a whole different level of a relationship. I believe God loves me w/ all his heart and I believe he knows what is best for me and my family. I truly do, but trusting him has been so hard! I went down to Church of his Presence in Daphne Alabama Thursday night. I wanted to be in his presence and see him move mightily. What I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to watch other people be healed and get their miracle. I just sat there and cried because my heart hurt so badly. I prayed and I know so many other's prayed as well and I just felt robbed sitting there hearing all the testimony's. I wasn't angry, I was just sad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I am clinging on to the rock. I have built my life and my relationship on the rock. I know in my heart of hearts that God loves me and wants the best for me, right now I just feel betrayed and everything I thought I wanted for my life is now a blur. I know it is apart of the grieving process and now we just have to sit back and reevaluate things, don't make any rash decisions. I have to do my best in trying to trust God even though I don't want to right now. So what is trust now that you have lost someone so precious? How do you rebound from that and not harbor jealousy or resentment for anyone who has what you wanted more than anything... a healthy baby

I do not feel depressed, I have been there and this is different. This is grief. I am grieving over the loss of my son. It comes in waves some days are better than others and some days are not so great. I know each day will get better and I know that I will learn to cope each day better than the day before. I think I am just blown away that even 2 months later how one day I can be totally fine ... almost normal and then the next day I am a complete wreck and can barely get dressed. I can see babies and smile, I can talk about Zeke and everything that happened and not shed a tear, but get me alone and look me straight in the eye and honestly ask me how I am & I will fall apart.

2 months old today

You would be 2 months old today.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out your heart stopped. Its been a long 2 months for me, but I can see today that I am healing and I don't cry every time I think about you, but I do still miss you so very much! I want to share a piece of you, I want to be proud of you and show picture's of you, but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel bad. I'm not embarrassed of you, I am not ashamed I promise. I love you so much, but the few pictures that I have are just to painful to look at. You are the sweetest little baby and you have impacted so many lives by your short time with us, I know they would love to see any picture, but I just can't do it. You have opened door's to share our faith with complete stranger's, your story was the reason a young mom did not have an abortion. People we didn't even know were praying for your healing. You taught your mommy and daddy what the true meaning of grace and mercy really was all about. We loved you so much and we will never be the same because of you.

Elijah and Malachi were so proud of you. They were constantly talking to you in my belly and telling you about their day at school and how one day they couldn't’t wait until you rode the school bus with them. They couldn’t wait to teach you how to play baseball and Malachi was so excited to give you his bike with training wheels on it so you could learn just like they did. Elijah gave you his special baby blanket that he slept with for 6 years. Malachi picked out a very special blue blanket that was just like the one he had. It was lined in silk with super soft fabric in the middle. We wrapped it in you right after you were born, you may not of noticed but you layed in the softest blanket for 8 hours. You blanket now lays under my pillow on my bed so I can touch it each night and feel like I am a little bit closer to you. The boys constantly drew you pictures and they couldn’t wait until you were born so there would be 4 boys in the house and only 1 girl. They couldn’t wait until you could sit in the backseat w/ them and watch star wars while we were going on a trip. Your daddy was constantly putting his hand on my belly and praying for you.

I wonder if you complete the same milestones in Heaven like you would here on Earth. Do you roll over @ 3 months, will you be a late crawler and walker like both your brother's were or do you walk right away? Can you talk or do you just cry and sing? I have been asking God to give me a dream and a vision of you to replace the one I have from the hospital and last night I am so thankful. I got that dream! I saw you in heaven Zeke you look just like your Daddy and brother Elijah with the cute little "gordon" chin and those sweet eye's. You had hair like Mommy and Malachi, blonde and curly. You had gained weight and you had such sweet cheeks. You were very tall like Malachi was when he was born.

You are with Jesus now. I would not ask you to trade that for anything Zeke. I know you are dancing and singing with Jesus and you couldn't be happier. I can't imagine the greeting you got as you walked through those pearly gates....To see your Papaw swallow you up with a wonderful hug and then to see your great grandparents and your uncle, it must of been a wonderful reunion! How is your sister? Did you know who she was instantly? Please tell her we love her and even though we may not of got to meet her like we did you, she is just as much apart of our family and I think of her constantly.

I had a dream last night. You were beautiful, you were healed and made whole. You did not look anything like your earthly body and for that I am so thankful that God gave me this dream. I saw you walking down the street w/ your sister and Papaw to meet the rest of your family. (The boys think you are rolling around in a golden stroller pushed by Papaw) You stopped to look back and then you smiled at Papaw and you told him "this is a wonderful place Pop!" He picked you up in his arms and spun you around and you both laughed. He asked you about all of us, how we were doing and you told him.... They miss us alot, but we will see them soon and then we can all be together. You stopped and played with your sister on the playground while all the grown ups stood around and worshiped. You told her about us, how Elijah has a stuffed horse named Fred and loves lego's. Malachi loves his blanket & cuddling with mommy to read books. They both played Star Wars all the time and they are really good @ baseball. The boys told me that since Papaw is up here he can teach us all the things he taught our daddy and our brothers and we will be just as good as they are. You talked about me and daddy and how much we loved you and prayed for you, how we never gave up hope even after you were born.

As much as my heart aches for you not being here, and even though I get really sad sometimes I know that you are were you are meant to be. You lived a very short life sweet boy, you impacted so many lives in the few months that very few people do in a lifetime. Enjoy heaven sweat heart, watch over your brothers for me please. I love you more than I ever could imagine and I am so thankful to be your mommy.

Baby Weight

Baby Weight!

We all hate baby weight. We all wish we could be skinny like the day's before we had our babies. I was looking at my wedding picture's the other day and I was shocked @ how skinny I was and just laughed when I thought of how I thought I was fat back then! LOL If you pinched me you wouldn't of pulled skin off of me, yet I thought I needed to loose some pounds. Here I am almost 9 years later and yes I am about to tell you ......... 60 pounds heavier not to mention my boobs will never be the same after breastfeeding my boys.

Now when I was pregnant with Elijah I gained a jaw dropping 68 pounds, I did work my butt off afterwards and got back to pre pregnancy weight fairly easy. It was MALACHI it was all his fault lol ...... I have never been able to loose all of his and then one thing lead to another and instead of loosing the weight I went and bought bigger clothes. =) I didn't think I had gained very much weight with Zeke only 18 pounds, granted it was added to the 20 I hadn't lost since Malachi (ya'll better not be getting a calculator out & posting my weight anywhere) which yes he was extremely tiny and for being 38 weeks pregnant I felt good about my weight gain.

But see now Zeke is gone and the weight is still here. I don't have a beautiful baby to put in a sling to cover up my midsection or explain for the huge, aching boobs. I can't walk into Walmart still wearing maternity clothes when I don't have a newborn or a protruding belly. When I try on my clothes in the morning I get so frustrated because still after 8 weeks NOTHING & I mean NOTHING fits me. I don't have Zeke's precious smile looking at me from a bouncy seat while I get ready in the morning & remind me that it is all worth it. I would gain another 100lbs if it meant getting him heavier and healthier to have more of a fighting chance to stay with us for just a little bit longer, but I can't.

So I hit the pavement Thursday. I started running again. I am running my anger & my frustration out and it feels great! I am tired of looking and feeling like I just gave birth. I don't ever want to nor will I ever forget him, but I need to get past the anger of him not being here. A lot of the anger has come from when I am trying to get dressed and I have to resort back to maternity clothes because these darn hips just haven't budged! You know what I am talking about ladies we all have it, the different wardrobes in our closet. We have the college clothes, pre baby clothes, the maternity clothes, the post partum clothes, the comfy clothes that only say S, M, or LG and then we have the "now" clothes.

I guess I say all that for this. Here I was embarrassed because I still have alllll the baby weight and I still can't get into my NOW clothes. I am 8 weeks post partum w/ no baby and I was so mad at myself for not getting it together & getting rid of the 1 thing I could control, my weight! You may not see your baby weight this way but it is a badge of honor, but that is how I have had to look at mine the last few days. It is something to be proud of. I know it may sound weird and no it's not something I want to hold onto forever, but I finally understand why I have held on and not started working out until now. I feel like I still have apart of him, apart of this season, this baby weight is Zeke it is all Zeke and I may not have him here w/ me like other mom's have their babies. Thanks to Zeke I have these thighs and I have the belly, and yes the butt. ;) I had to see myself not as someone who just ate to many chocolate chip cookies, but as someone who carried the most amazing little boy .... while eating some cookies. HaHaHa.

So be proud of yourself don't look at your baby weight as this awful curse or disease that you have to get rid of immediately. I'm not saying enjoy it, but don't hate yourself because not all of us are blessed to walk out of the hospital in our pre baby jeans. I know it may sound silly that I see this extra weight as a piece of Zeke, but I don't care. With him being gone I have had to find him in the little things, the silly things like my weight, and in the big things.

It doesn't make sense

Today I am scared and tired.

Scared I will never get past the loss of Zeke. Not that I want to forget him, but I am scared my heart and my body will physically ache for him forever. It is tiring, draining. and exhausting. The bummer of it is.... I can't seem to sleep at all! I am so tired but can't sleep.

I have a lot on my mind, but don't really know how to put it in words, surprising huh. LOL I just keep thinking about him and the longer it goes by the worse the pain is. Some days are harder than other's, someday's I laugh a lot and other days I just feel blah. I have learned that happiness is not living with out pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

I heard this on a show the other day and thanks to the DVR I was able to put it in slow motion so I could write it down..

"There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness but of power, they are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. " Washington Irving.

I loved my baby so much and my tears have now turned to prayers to God. I can not do this alone and am so thankful that God is not expecting me to act a certain way or do a certain thing. He just wants me to come to him. I don't have to quote scripture or say all these amazing prayers. He is just as happy w/ my tears as my words. He would rather walk in with me in the dark and me just cry, then me walk away from him at night.

I have been watching a lot of baby shows. You might think that I am crazy and how can I do that after loosing Zeke. But in away some days it helps. It helps me keep his memory alive and see that not all babies are sick and if they are sick, they don't always die some prayers are answered. I know that sounds weird, maybe it makes it worse, I don't know some days it is to hard to see a baby. Other days it is so comforting to see that baby's are born healthy and come home w/ their mommy's. It all made sense until I wrote it down, now I think I am just going crazy ....