We all hate baby weight. We all wish we could be skinny like the day's before we had our babies. I was looking at my wedding picture's the other day and I was shocked @ how skinny I was and just laughed when I thought of how I thought I was fat back then! LOL If you pinched me you wouldn't of pulled skin off of me, yet I thought I needed to loose some pounds. Here I am almost 9 years later and yes I am about to tell you ......... 60 pounds heavier not to mention my boobs will never be the same after breastfeeding my boys.
Now when I was pregnant with Elijah I gained a jaw dropping 68 pounds, I did work my butt off afterwards and got back to pre pregnancy weight fairly easy. It was MALACHI it was all his fault lol ...... I have never been able to loose all of his and then one thing lead to another and instead of loosing the weight I went and bought bigger clothes. =) I didn't think I had gained very much weight with Zeke only 18 pounds, granted it was added to the 20 I hadn't lost since Malachi (ya'll better not be getting a calculator out & posting my weight anywhere) which yes he was extremely tiny and for being 38 weeks pregnant I felt good about my weight gain.
But see now Zeke is gone and the weight is still here. I don't have a beautiful baby to put in a sling to cover up my midsection or explain for the huge, aching boobs. I can't walk into Walmart still wearing maternity clothes when I don't have a newborn or a protruding belly. When I try on my clothes in the morning I get so frustrated because still after 8 weeks NOTHING & I mean NOTHING fits me. I don't have Zeke's precious smile looking at me from a bouncy seat while I get ready in the morning & remind me that it is all worth it. I would gain another 100lbs if it meant getting him heavier and healthier to have more of a fighting chance to stay with us for just a little bit longer, but I can't.
So I hit the pavement Thursday. I started running again. I am running my anger & my frustration out and it feels great! I am tired of looking and feeling like I just gave birth. I don't ever want to nor will I ever forget him, but I need to get past the anger of him not being here. A lot of the anger has come from when I am trying to get dressed and I have to resort back to maternity clothes because these darn hips just haven't budged! You know what I am talking about ladies we all have it, the different wardrobes in our closet. We have the college clothes, pre baby clothes, the maternity clothes, the post partum clothes, the comfy clothes that only say S, M, or LG and then we have the "now" clothes.
I guess I say all that for this. Here I was embarrassed because I still have alllll the baby weight and I still can't get into my NOW clothes. I am 8 weeks post partum w/ no baby and I was so mad at myself for not getting it together & getting rid of the 1 thing I could control, my weight! You may not see your baby weight this way but it is a badge of honor, but that is how I have had to look at mine the last few days. It is something to be proud of. I know it may sound weird and no it's not something I want to hold onto forever, but I finally understand why I have held on and not started working out until now. I feel like I still have apart of him, apart of this season, this baby weight is Zeke it is all Zeke and I may not have him here w/ me like other mom's have their babies. Thanks to Zeke I have these thighs and I have the belly, and yes the butt. ;) I had to see myself not as someone who just ate to many chocolate chip cookies, but as someone who carried the most amazing little boy .... while eating some cookies. HaHaHa.
So be proud of yourself don't look at your baby weight as this awful curse or disease that you have to get rid of immediately. I'm not saying enjoy it, but don't hate yourself because not all of us are blessed to walk out of the hospital in our pre baby jeans. I know it may sound silly that I see this extra weight as a piece of Zeke, but I don't care. With him being gone I have had to find him in the little things, the silly things like my weight, and in the big things.
I think that is a great way to look at it. No matter how much I exercise there are things about my body that will never be the same and I just have to love it and be thankful for it. I look at my strech marks that way. I call them my love marks. Proof that I bore 4 children. Good luck with your weight loss! I think its good to blog about it. It helps me when I do it and I think its good for us women to support eachother because we are all in the same weight loss boat. I started a weight loss blog http://weightlossletstalk.blogspot.com/ if you want to check it out.
ReplyDeleteStill praying and thinking of you.
So glad to hear you are running! It will do you good in so many areas but releasing your anger is HUGE. When I ran (I want to get back into it!) was when I would pray and hear the Lord so clearly. I can totally see where you would see your weight gain as a part of him and I believe it completely is a part of him. Just as you begin to shed those pounds I believe as each one goes you will in turn gain healing.
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you!