2 months old today

You would be 2 months old today.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out your heart stopped. Its been a long 2 months for me, but I can see today that I am healing and I don't cry every time I think about you, but I do still miss you so very much! I want to share a piece of you, I want to be proud of you and show picture's of you, but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel bad. I'm not embarrassed of you, I am not ashamed I promise. I love you so much, but the few pictures that I have are just to painful to look at. You are the sweetest little baby and you have impacted so many lives by your short time with us, I know they would love to see any picture, but I just can't do it. You have opened door's to share our faith with complete stranger's, your story was the reason a young mom did not have an abortion. People we didn't even know were praying for your healing. You taught your mommy and daddy what the true meaning of grace and mercy really was all about. We loved you so much and we will never be the same because of you.

Elijah and Malachi were so proud of you. They were constantly talking to you in my belly and telling you about their day at school and how one day they couldn't’t wait until you rode the school bus with them. They couldn’t wait to teach you how to play baseball and Malachi was so excited to give you his bike with training wheels on it so you could learn just like they did. Elijah gave you his special baby blanket that he slept with for 6 years. Malachi picked out a very special blue blanket that was just like the one he had. It was lined in silk with super soft fabric in the middle. We wrapped it in you right after you were born, you may not of noticed but you layed in the softest blanket for 8 hours. You blanket now lays under my pillow on my bed so I can touch it each night and feel like I am a little bit closer to you. The boys constantly drew you pictures and they couldn’t wait until you were born so there would be 4 boys in the house and only 1 girl. They couldn’t wait until you could sit in the backseat w/ them and watch star wars while we were going on a trip. Your daddy was constantly putting his hand on my belly and praying for you.

I wonder if you complete the same milestones in Heaven like you would here on Earth. Do you roll over @ 3 months, will you be a late crawler and walker like both your brother's were or do you walk right away? Can you talk or do you just cry and sing? I have been asking God to give me a dream and a vision of you to replace the one I have from the hospital and last night I am so thankful. I got that dream! I saw you in heaven Zeke you look just like your Daddy and brother Elijah with the cute little "gordon" chin and those sweet eye's. You had hair like Mommy and Malachi, blonde and curly. You had gained weight and you had such sweet cheeks. You were very tall like Malachi was when he was born.

You are with Jesus now. I would not ask you to trade that for anything Zeke. I know you are dancing and singing with Jesus and you couldn't be happier. I can't imagine the greeting you got as you walked through those pearly gates....To see your Papaw swallow you up with a wonderful hug and then to see your great grandparents and your uncle, it must of been a wonderful reunion! How is your sister? Did you know who she was instantly? Please tell her we love her and even though we may not of got to meet her like we did you, she is just as much apart of our family and I think of her constantly.

I had a dream last night. You were beautiful, you were healed and made whole. You did not look anything like your earthly body and for that I am so thankful that God gave me this dream. I saw you walking down the street w/ your sister and Papaw to meet the rest of your family. (The boys think you are rolling around in a golden stroller pushed by Papaw) You stopped to look back and then you smiled at Papaw and you told him "this is a wonderful place Pop!" He picked you up in his arms and spun you around and you both laughed. He asked you about all of us, how we were doing and you told him.... They miss us alot, but we will see them soon and then we can all be together. You stopped and played with your sister on the playground while all the grown ups stood around and worshiped. You told her about us, how Elijah has a stuffed horse named Fred and loves lego's. Malachi loves his blanket & cuddling with mommy to read books. They both played Star Wars all the time and they are really good @ baseball. The boys told me that since Papaw is up here he can teach us all the things he taught our daddy and our brothers and we will be just as good as they are. You talked about me and daddy and how much we loved you and prayed for you, how we never gave up hope even after you were born.

As much as my heart aches for you not being here, and even though I get really sad sometimes I know that you are were you are meant to be. You lived a very short life sweet boy, you impacted so many lives in the few months that very few people do in a lifetime. Enjoy heaven sweat heart, watch over your brothers for me please. I love you more than I ever could imagine and I am so thankful to be your mommy.