just a box.....

Just a quick note, to let you know we did survive last night at the funeral home. I didn't think I would considering what a rough afternoon I had physically not being able to stop throwing up, thanks to my nerves.

I don't remember the drive there it was almost like I was sitting in the backseat watching David drive and me sit in the front seat. I remember telling David, there was the funeral home on the right and then we parked. I followed David in, and I couldnt help but wonder what David was going to say on "Why" we were there. I kept my glasses on and looked at the ground while someone came up to us and David told him we were here to pick up our remains. Remains. All that is left of our little baby they have in a tiny box sitting on a shelf just waiting to be claimed. He ushered us into a private room, and went to go find out "about" us. He came back and asked who we had talked to because everyone was gone. We didn't know, are you kidding, so we described to him what he looked like when we were there the first time. The man told us that guy wasn't here and asked if we could come back tomorrow. I wanted to just scream NOOOOO!! Does he not understand were we are, did he forget were he worked? Does he realize we are here to pick up our babies remains? And he wants us to just come back tomorrow like we are picking up a new outfit or something? I looked up at him with tears in my eye's as David sayed "no we really need to get this done tonight, we can't come back". He ended up giving the guy a call and was given permission to realease Zeke to us.

And then he came back and he had something in his hands it was a little blue box that was wrapped in what lookes like a clear zip lock baggie. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. My baby was in that box! My baby, Oh my gosh this is really happening and then David pulled out the Death Certificate and just looked at me w/ his sweet comforting, I wish I could take the pain away kind of look & I broke down crying. It was awful and after he signed all the paperwork I just wanted to leave. But no we had to wait for a receipt. I told them we didn't need one, we just want to leave and lady sayed, "now you don't want me to loose my job do you? I have to get you a receipt." I just laughed like yeah lady that is my main concern right now is your job! LOL

I looked her in the eye's and she gave me that, I am so sorry and I don't know what to say look I have got a million times and then she left to get that darn receipt. We just sat there forever it seemed waiting for the piece of paper that would finally release us to go back home. As we were leaving she touched my arm and gave it a sweet squeeze and I thanked her,for what... I don't know I just knew it was the polite thing to do. Even though I wasn't thankful due to the situation. David carried him out in a bag we walked to the car and placed him in the backseat.

We got home and walked in the house and David looked at me and asked me where he should put him. I just started laughing, he smiled and laughed like ahhh this is SO AWKWARD. We decided to put him in his room and David sat the bag on the changing table. I couldn't stop laughing at the irony of the situation. I had tears in my eyes crying, but laughing at the same time. I can't explain it. We stood in there and talked a few min, I looked at his death certificate and that was that. What do you say after all that, we just looked at eachother & we decided we were hungry, so we ate.

This morning I just feel weird, empty, and sad. I went into his room this morning and looked around imagining him laying in his crib or playing in his jumperoo. Then I saw the "box" and as weird as I thought having him home like that would be, it is also very comforting to know he is with us. We are now starting to plan a small memorial service for him. We have no idea what we will do except realease balloons w/ message's on them. Other than that we have no idea. Suggestions are welcomed very much. We love you all and are so thankful for the prayers and support