I didn't think I could cry anymore until last night. I was getting ready to go to bed and I turned off all the lights and then I just fell to my knees and cried it came out of nowhere. I had just watched a cute movie w/ the boys and put them to bed. It wasn't a silent cry but a scream. I just lay ed on the floor of my living room and I screamed and cried like I did right after I delivered him. I could barely catch my breath and actually scared myself a few times because I had gotten so worked up I could barely breathe. I started punching the pillows and yelling out to God "WHY, WHY MY BABY!
I know I will never know the answer to those ?'s but I can't stop thinking about it. I know God has a plan and I know he hates to see me hurting, but at the same time he could of stepped in and prevented it. I just want to see a glimpse of his plans for us, just a glimpse.
The pain is getting worse and the anger is mounting. I feel like I have lost my arm and there is truely something missing, I can't ever seem to find what I am looking for and then I remember Zeke is gone, I didn't forget him he is in heaven. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I am in the club. The grieving mommy club. Zeke really died it's not just a nightmare it is my life.
I have wondered more now than ever what heaven is really like. What is he doing up there in heaven? Does he know I am his mommy and I love him or does he only know God's love? Do they sing him lullabies and play this little piggy with his toes? Does he have a special blanky? Who is carrying him around the mansions? Is he playing baseball with Charles and learning the bug song from my Grandpa? Did he find his little brother or sister from the year before? Are the inseparable like Elijah and Malachi are? I just want to see him one more time and make sure he is okay and happy. I want to take in a deep breath and smell his sweet baby smell and have his fingers curl around my finger. I would give anything to up all night due to feedings and collic instead of nightmares and tears. I want him to curl up on my chest and listen to my heartbeat.
Oh Zeke my sweet boy. My heart truely ache's for you and I miss you more than I could ever had imagined. Save me a place in Heaven right next to you and our other baby. You will always be my third little boy. I will always remember you and include you in our family, I don't care what people might say. Watch over Elijah and Malachi for me, I am super paranoid something will happen to them now. Your Daddy loves you and misses you to. Give Pawpaw a hug and kiss from all of us and tell him we will be okay. Have fun playing Jesus and we will see you soon.
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Almost two years later, I still have this happen. It's normal. There is nothing harder than losing a child. And anger is part of the stages of grief. You have to get mad before things can get better. It's all right to be angry. You have every right to be. You've been dealt a cruel blow.
ReplyDeleteI like to think Jenna is cradled in my granny's arms with my granny rocking her until the day I can take over. If I didn't have this thought, this vision, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the last two years.