Tuesday, September 28, 2010

busy is best for me

Some days you just wake up and everything that could go wrong goes completely wrong. Today I had one of those days. I wanted to start over only 5 min after I had gotten up. When you are at your calm, happy, "normal" self burnt coffee, spilled coffee, forgotten lunches, almost missed bus, lost homework, phone battery going dead, no parking spot at work, lost keys, and a misplaced shoe & a messed up DVR would just frustrate you, but when you are a grieving mom you feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. The anxiety comes over you and you can't even do the simplest thing like finding paper towels to clean up the spilled coffee or getting in the car to drop the lunches off @ school. These things are not that big of a deal but for me the last few months you would think I was trying to solve world peace.

At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.

The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!

I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.

Friday, September 24, 2010

this is not how it should be, but it is

well it has been awhile.......

I have been wanting to get on here, but honestly I just didn't know what to write. I am tired of always sounding "down" so I figured I would just stay off the blog for awhile but I missed it. I missed writing and pouring my feelings out it is just so much easier to work them out this way. So I am back and it is hard to be open now after he is gone, I feel much more vulnerable and honestly I just can't take any more criticism or "cliche's". I know I have to expect that when I get on here and pour my feelings out for everyone to read, but I can't hide how I feel.

I feel like now that it has been 4 months I have to be brave, tough and get through this, move on. That is how the world makes you feel. I am a grieving mommy, yes he never lived on this earth, but he lived. He lived in my heart, in my belly for 9 months. He is my baby and I am tired of the "world" saying his isn't, & that " well it is for the best, & God must of needed him in heaven more, God knew what he was doing. WHATEVER!!! FYI don't tell anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one any of that. It is the biggest line of crap (yes i just sayed crap lol) I have heard. God didn't do this to Zeke and God didn't do this to me. I know people mean well, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just give us a hug, don't say anything just hug us and let us cry on your shoulder. God cried over the loss of Zeke and it breaks his heart to see his family miss him so desperately. I know my God is bigger than this, I know he is. Do I feel it some day's? NO. Does it make it any easier? NO. Do I get angry? YOU BET I DO. But if I want to see Zeke again, I have to believe, I can't turn away from my faith I have to believe God has a plan for all of this and as much as it hurts I have to keep going on & trust him. I have to choose that even though God gives away and he takes away his is still faithful and he sees the bigger picture.

He was my baby. He was apart of me & my heart loved him just as much as I love Elijah and Malachi. Just because he did not take a breathe on this earth doesn't make him any more real to me. I had to sign a death certificate, I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for him. His monogram ed clothes, & all his "stuff" is still in his nursery. Sometimes I walk by his room and I just stand in the door way and imagine him sleeping in his crib or pretend that David is changing his diaper on the changing table, & then I see the box from the hospital and all the grieving pamphlets and his footprints, & then I see him. What I have left of him & it all comes back & I realize that my nightmare is true.

I remember laying in bed the morning I delivered Zeke. David held me in his arms and we just cried and I told him I can't do this, I can't do this, please don't make me do this. I can't walk in that hospital and deliver our dead baby! I then yelled @ God asking him why I have to do this..... I remember David got up and got ready and as I watched him I kept thinking I needed to get up but I could not move, I physically I felt completely numb. Once he helped me out of bed I remember thinking that this will be the worst day of your life & just like yesterday ended, so will today. I just started saying the name JESUS over & over under my breathe & I felt like I watched myself go through the next 2 days.

4 months later & I feel like it was 2 days ago. I can tell when I try to push it out of my mind and get busy w/ the boys, work and just life, that I am trying to ignore the pain praying it will one day leave. It doesn't it just lays dormant until something triggers a memory. I started to feel guilty because I hadn't cried for him in almost a week. Then out of the blue something triggered the pain, the memories and all the heartache, last night that happened to me. We were sitting at a meeting for the boys when they had a family come up their 3 month old baby was in ICU and had been for almost 3 weeks, It took everything in me to not get up and walk out. I probably would have if there were more people. I cried myself to sleep last night holding onto his blanket that we wrapped him in & all day today has been a constant battle to not break down in tears.

Death sucks! Grief sucks! There is no magic potion or formula to follow. We all go through it differently and we all have "our moments". I think what shocks me more than anything is how suddenly the grief can come on you. I can be playing and goofing off w/ the boys and all of a sudden I just start crying, I hear a song on the radio or walk past his room & I just fall to the floor w/ grief and cry that deep uncontrollable cry. The next day I can walk by his room & smile thinking about what a wonderful time he is having in heaven.

I feel like I was all over the place w/ this blog, I guess that is what happens when you have a month of emotions all jumbled up and I feel like I rambled and didn't make any sense, but oh well I feel better and right now that is what I needed. I needed to put my words out there and work through this.