At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.
The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!
I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.