Here we go again!

Here I am again back @ the hospital! 2nd time in a week & I am exauhsted! They don't really know what is going on but I keep having these "dizziness" spells so far nothing has shown up on blood work & my blood preasure is not extremly high. So just like everything else w/ this pregnancy we have more unanswered questions. Last week I was having such terriable pains it took my breath away, they have subsided a little bit thanks to a prescription, but still painful. Today I was @ work & when I stood up i was having blurred vision, hot flashes & major dizzy spells. So back to the hospital we go!

This has been nothing short of challenging but this week it has been hard, really hard. I went from getting bad news every 2-4 weeks @ an ultrasound to the last 3 weeks hitting a wall everytime I finally catch my breathe from the last set of new information. I'm tired, emotional, stressed, & I am ready to celebrate the 4th of July.

I am worn out. I have stayed away from my blog for a week or so just cause I'm so down, & I'm so frusterated w/ life & I won't lie I question God's plan in all this. It is so hard to be on the recieving end Sometimes of all the pep talks & prayers & sweet words. I am so thankful for them I honestly am, but I feel guilty because lately I don't believe that it will be okay & I will have a reason to smile again. I have been killing my iPod w/ the song by Josh Wilson called before the morning. Not so much because I believe it but because I have to keep reminding myself that God does love me & I will get thru this eventually. Some other songs I hear make me so mad, because the lyrics make it sound sooo easy to ask God for something & you shall recieve it. Ask him to raise the dead & he will do it, ask him to heal you & he will do it. Ask him just ask him. He is not a genie bottle & weren't we taught as kids life sucks sometimes & u dont always get what you want. So why do we think we will get them now? Don't get me wrong I understand the meaning behind it I do, but when you are going thru the crap like we are somedays it's just not that easy. It's not like asking for a new pair of shoes for Christmas, yes he can get me those shoes just as easy as he can heal Zeke,but is it HIS plan to heal Zeke? Is my future testimony going to be about Zeke's healing or is it going to be about surving this trial & Zeke not making it? Nobody knows. So as I sit here in the hospital hearing all the newborn cry's yes I am full of doubt right now. I don't see how this can turn out anyother way than what the doctor says. Now tomorrow I maybe full of faith again, but right now I am drowning in fear & anger of what looks to be my future.

Overwhelmed

I am wanting to let everyone know that I may be strong and optimistic 1 day (like yesterday) & then completly pesimistic the next (today). I am honored that so many people think I am so strong, but honestly I am barely hanging on! Today my eyes were full of tears. Today I felt suffocated & in complete despair. Today I felt like I was drowning & my whole world was crashing around me. I stood in my classroom watching my kids in complete caios & all I could do was stand there & cry. I cried this morning in the middle of my class! I have not felt such overwhelming sense of hopelessness since January 7th @ the first ultrasound. It felt like the next hour was a lifetime away & I had NO idea how I was gonna pull it together. If I could of left my class (I have no assistant) I would of gone straight to my boss & quit. I did not see how I could get thru the next few weeks workin there let alone the rest of the day. I left for my break today & I cried my eyes out the whole time I was gone! I say all that to say I'm only human, I am still sooo scared & petrified I don't know how I am going to get thru the next min let alone the next 4 weeks. Strength is not running away it is accepting things head on & walking it out but today I wanted to run away I wanted to run away so bad I could barely breathe. If it wasn't for God & God alone I wouldn't of been able to get as far in this trial as I have, but it is also far from over & I can only imagine that the emotions will get stronger & harder to deal with. I just pray I can keep it together while I am at work & when I am with my kids. I pray I keep looking to God & that I don't turn angry & hopeless towards the one that has brought me this far.

Decisions ...

Well I figured I should write a quick update on today's visit, I'm super tired & am doing this via my phone in bed so bare w/ me if words & grammer are worse than usual... LOL

I struggled all day w/ this appt & just felt physically sick up until I actually talked to my OB. In a nut shell she has agreed to keep seeing me weekly so long as I promise not to skip anymore appts & my blood preasure doesn't get any worse. She sayed that we would take it 1 day @ a time & if anything changes we will discuss options. She sayed the fluid in his lungs & the fact that he is now almost 6 weeks behind is growth is the most concerning. They can drain the fluid when he is born, but most likely it will just come back & he can not develop lungs when his chest is full of fluid. The next decision is to have the amnio done just so we know the best options for delivery, like should I plan on delivering @ the childrens hospital, downtown Houston or the 1 in town. They all have different specalties according to what the true problem is w/ him. It would help us to know if I should plan on a scheduled c-section or if I should do a regular labor. It all has its different route they would take & differet decisions to be made depending on the actual test results. So now I have to make the decision.... Should I take the test or not? That such a hard decision to make I just don't know.

She is pretty sure he does have trisomy 18 which they know are leathal. The one thing she did tell me is that he could live even a few weeks, that we may be able to bring him home! She said it would be a miracle, but it could happen. 6 weeks ago I would of sayed no way we can not handle that! God if he isn't gonna make it. just let him die in the hospital, there is no way I could bring him home for just a few weeks! Today that is all I have thought about! He has defied all odds when it come's to this pregnancy, what if he shocked them & survived at home for a few weeks??? Of course I want his miracle to be complete healing, but right now I will take any form of healing just so I can be apart of his life no matter how short it might be!!!

Well I want to write alot more but my eyelids are heavy..... Allthis emotion has taken a toll & I could of gone to bed @ 630 tonight! ;)

48 hours...

It has been a little over 48 hours since we were devastated w/ the news of Zeke's future. It is amazing how many emotions you can feel in such a short amount of time. I have been crying out to God one second & then wanting to laugh @ the doctor's because Zeke is just punching my insides as I cry. Last night was hard, actually that is an understatement it was excruciating! David and the boys were watching a movie together & I went back to our bedroom w/ the pitch blackness it brought me & crawled under the covers & just cried. I soaked my pillow on both sides in what felt like a matter of min. I know I am not the first person who has gone thru something like this & I know I wont be the last, but there is NOTHING you can do to prepare yourself for the agonizing, helpless grief that you encounter. The heaviness was indescribable last night that I honestly didn't think I was going to survive the pain and the worst part is I haven't even held him in my arms yet.

We ended up not telling the boys last night. We decided they needed a good night sleep before their first baseball game this morning & honestly we just couldn't do it. It all worked out because when David and I woke up this morning, the weight had lifted some & we both felt better. I can't explain it yes I was still in shock, even grief stricken but I felt peaceful. I can honestly tell you I felt God's arms around me when I woke up. Not to say it was all going to be okay, more like today I can breathe and today I will focus on Elijah & Malachi's baseball games. Lord help me hold the tears back I don't want to explain to any of the "new parents" I just met why I am a basket case. I got up, took a shower hoping it would wash away all the pain I felt, I got dressed & yes I will tell you I just stood there looking at my maternity clothes wondering how much longer I will wear them.... You know what felt the best? Putting on make up! =) I admit it took a couple applications to cover up my swollen dark circles but I finally got it. Before I knew it I was on my way out the door laughing @ Malachi in his baseball clothes because they where WAY to big for him. I say this for 1 reason. I could not of gotten through this day if it were not for God & for all the people that are praying for us. I always wondered if you could tell that prayers were being sent your way. You can. You feel it when you can get out of bed & when you can get dressed in the morning. You can feel the prayers helping you survive 2 team pictures & 2 baseball games. You can feel the prayers when you are standing next to the ball field wondering if the next time your out there your belly & your arms will be empty, and your eyes don't well up w/ tears.

Music is the way I process things. I feel God talking to me thru songs & I know that when I come across the right one it is God and God alone speaking directly to me. There have been many times when I have been going thru these last few months that I just don't know what to say to God so I play a play list on my ipod that describes how I feel going thru this tough time with Zeke. I have added a play list with a few songs that have spoken to me the most or describe how I feel right now. I hope they bless you and minister to you like they have me.

We are meeting with my regular OB Monday afternoon for a second opinion. We really feel that after last night its not over. Zeke still has a chance at life & if I can take care of myself for a few more weeks w/ my OB's aproval & guidance we will continue for as long as I can. David told me this morning that the doctor's have told me countless times that I wouldn't make it to 20 weeks & I did. They said he would die before 25 weeks & he didn't. They told me no way would he survive inutero past 30 weeks @ the size he is, he has! They pushed me to have the amnio so I could make an educated decision on whether to terminate him or not. They have constantly told me everything bad about him. They have called him an anomolly and a fetus even @ 30 weeks. Zeke deserves every chance at life that he can get. These last few days he has been kicking and moving so much it is like he is telling me not to give up yet. Many people have told me that I am going to hear bad news about Zeke up until the VERY end & then BAM God will heal him at the very end. Maybe that is true, maybe it is not but I have to try. I have to give my little boy every chance that he deserves to fight.

A Rare Case.....

That is what I was told yesterday afternoon. Rare.

David and I walked into my doctor's office & met with her partner Thursday afternoon. Honestly as I was walking in I told myself she is going to tell us Zeke is fine, he is healthy & he is beautifull. When she walked into the room I looked in her eyes, I knew it was wishfull thinking. She went over Zeke's condition & told us it was worse, he had moved into a better position for this ultrasound for them to look at him & they were able to see many things. 1 of them being his belly, it is still measuring 18 weeks & his heart is the whole size of his chest. He has every marker for Trisomy 18 w/ out us getting the official amnio results. She told us his chance of surving is nothing. IF he makes it through delivery we are looking at a few min. to a few hours at the most.

The problem now is my health. Because the placenta is what they call "Ripened" it is like I am carrying a 45+ week old placenta which happens when you have a chromosome abnormality like they believe Zeke has. It can turn very dangerous very fast for me. I was told that the longer I carry Zeke the more serious it is for me and my health. Most likely I would not survive carrying him to 40 weeks, because my placenta will start to rought & will cause an infection to go through my whole body that can happen so fast that I am here 1 day and gone the next. They told me I needed to sign papers stating what I wanted in case something happened to me. They told me that because he is so small and my placenta is on the top or the front of my stomach if I do need an emergency csection (which is his best chance of being born alive) I could suffer alot of trauma a hysterectomy & never be able to have another child. If I have a planned csection in the next few weeks before I start laboring naturally the chances of complications go way down because they are more prepared for him and the situation.

So that is where we are at. We have talked to immediate family and we have talked to our pastor. To say that I am scared is a complete understatement, I never expected this to come down to my health & my future. I am feeling every kind of emotion you can imagine. Fear, hate, anger, failure, relief and it is just goes on and on. I wasn't ready for it to be over. I thought I had at least 8 more weeks or 64 days until we were faced w/ meeting Zeke & learning what our future holds with him. Now yes God can still move and God can still heal my baby, but I am tired of just believing in it. The time has come when I have to completely trust God w/ my baby & to make the decision that is best for both of us. I am meeting with my OB on monday to discuss the next few steps we have to take before going into labor. They have printed me out all my records & an emergency packet in case I end up somewhere besides my planned hospital. David has taken the boys to the batting cage's this afternoon and to play golf to try and give me sometime to process all of this. I don't know if thats even possible. I finally draged myself out of bed around 1130 this morning & have been crying & screaming most of the day. We will be sitting the boys down this evening to tell them about there brother. Zeke will beat us to heaven & he will be loved on and taken care of by Nannie & my Grandpa until we can see him again. So please think of us tonight as we have to devestate our boys & please pray for all of us.

Today I don't want to be RARE! Today I want to be just like everyother 32 week pregnant woman! I want to be a NORMAL healthy pregnant woman! Today I just did the unthinkable. Today I emailed Now I lay me down to Sleep a non profit organization that donates there time to come to the hospital and take pictures of baby's like Zeke. Everything that has to do w/ him has been thrown, literally thrown into his room and the door that used to stay open & made us smile everytime we walked by has been shut locked if I could turn the doorknob the other way.

As hard as this is and what is so scary to me right now..... this is only the begining of the pain. I still have to walk thru that hospital with him in my belly knowing that when I walk out my arms will be empty.

Zeke William Gordon

He has doubled!

I finally called & made an appt with my OB today. I keep putting it off & since I was just in last week for the ultrasound I just felt like I needed a break. A break from all the deliriously happy healthy pregnant woman. A break from hearing "bad news". A break from living inside my bubble.

I had another ultrasound last week and we are very excited to say Zeke DOUBLED IN SIZE! Praise God! He now weighs in @...... drum roll please =) 1 pound and 9 ounces!! He is now big enough to be inti bated and we could not be happier! The doctor told me very casually that he is now in the 5th percentile for weight, I smiled and told her well at least he is on the board! He has never been on the board before!! She laughed a little and agreed with me. His brain looks good, the fluid in his heart is not as severe & the fluid in his lungs is stable. Yes he is 1/2 the size he should be but he is growing and that is what they want to see. David and I were talking later that night & figured it was okay if I did not have another 9 pound baby like Elijah and Malachi (hehe). It is looking like I could have a 5 or 6 pound baby and I just don't understand why the doctor's think that is such a big deal. They did not see any other abnormalities she kept saying that it looks like I am just 5 weeks behind, kinda like my due date shouldn't be until the end of July. Other than that Zeke is still alive and unlike what they said I am 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow and his heart is still beating strong! (They expected him to die or for me to go into labor by the 28th week)

I have had some good weeks lately & then they seem to follow quite a few bad days. Even considering our happy ultrasound results, but I have feeling it just has to do w/ me coming to the end of his pregnancy. I am finishing up his nursery & still can't believe that i only have 8 weeks left until his due date. 8 WEEKS.... until we finally know what is going on, until we get to hold our precious baby boy in our arms, until we are faced w/ our future. As each day gets closer the more I think & wonder what is really going on inside my belly. He seems to be getting more active in the last week which is a great feeling. Some days I wish I would of done the amnio just so I could have some answers. Today I believe the "what ifs" in this trial are so much harder then having an actual answer.

I just finished reading a book & she made the comment after her daughter died. "The number of days in her life hadn't mattered nearly as much as the life in her days."
How true is that. It amazes me how much Zeke has done already and he isn't even born yet. No matter what the outcome is in 8 weeks he has brought me closer to God and my family, because of that I will always be forever grateful. I have to choose to let God use this trial for whatever he has planned. I have to believe that something beautiful & wonderful will come out of these agonizing months of pregnancy. I have chosen to carry him & I am grateful that God has chosen me to be his mother. Every day brings different emotions and every day brings different fears, but in my heart I know that God is God. He knew before I was even formed in my mother's womb that I would one day be facing this great trial. I have often asked Why me? in the beginning and I have thought of that to be a bad thing. Why God are you making me go through this? Today as we get closer to his due date & my relationship w/ God gets stronger I have begun to ask it in a different way. I have chosen to feel honored that I am Zeke's mother. I have to choose to let God work through me w/ whatever his plans are when it comes to Zeke. We have to trust and believe God that in the end it is All worth it and to never let go of his promise.

Bumping into God...

This was taken from a daily devotion from DAVID WILKERSON TODAY. My mom sent this to me & I related to exactly what Jeremiah went thru. May we all remember that even when we are @ our lowest point God is always w/ us & his faithfullness will never leave us.

THE WAY UP

I have known of great Christians who have experienced a trial so dark and deep
that life itself seemed almost not worth living. In his very darkest hour,
Jeremiah discovered a glorious truth that brought new hope and assurance to his
mind. It was something he already knew about God, but it didn't touch his soul
until he came to the end of himself. He discovered that at the very bottom, God
was there! The farther down he went, the more God was to be discovered. God was
not to be discovered up there in some blissful soaring into untroubled skies,
but in the shadows of grief and despair. When Jeremiah hit bottom, he bumped
into God! He fell hard against the faithfulness of a compassionate God. Listen
to his discovery:

"God is a God of compassion...his compassions for me cannot fail.... They are
new every morning...great is his faithfulness..." (Lamentations 3:22-23).

Little by little, Jeremiah came to realize great truths that can only be
discovered by those who are down.

1. When I am at the very lowest point; when troubles flow over my heart like
water, and I say, "I am cut off," God draws near and whispers, "Do not fear!"
(Lamentations 3:54-57).

2. When God seems to have "covered himself with a cloud, so that my prayers
could not pass through," he will still see my oppression and will “judge my
case” (Lamentations 3:44, 59).

3. If the Lord allows grief and sorrow, he will at the same time uphold me with
abundant compassion and love (Lamentations 3:32).

4. God is not against me, trying to crush me under his foot when I'm down like
a prisoner in trouble (Lamentations 3:34).

5. God is not trying to sabotage any of my plans; he is not causing my
confusion; he is not working against me (Lamentations 3:35-36).

6. Even in my despair and bitterness, when I hated to face a new day, his
compassion failed not. His mercies were waiting for me, new each morning
(Lamentations 3:22-23).

7. Because God is always faithful, he will not cast me off. He will do right by
me and save me (Lamentations 3:25-26).

8. When I am at my lowest, I have nowhere to turn but to God, so I will lift up
my heart and my hands, and thank him for his faithfulness! (Lamentations
3:40-41).

9. Being down has spent my strength and hope. I am left empty and humbled, so
now I depend totally on his mercies! (Lamentations 3:18, 20-22).
 

10 weeks to go....

You think your doing okay considering the prognosis of Zeke & then BAM out of no where you get hit w/ emotions that you don't even understand. From the moment I woke up today I just felt burden down & sad. I can't explain it really I just was walking in a cloud today. I cried for no reason during church, after church on the way home & while I was @ walmart this afternoon. I had to make myself do an Easter egg hunt for the boys. Finally @ 630 I mustered up enough courage & strength. We ended up having some great laughs but I just didn't feel right even during the laughter I would stop & think.

Then it dawned on me this is the 2nd Easter in a row I have been pregnant. I had a feeling last year this same weekend that I was pregnant but didn't take a test until a few days later. It was a few days before Mother's Day when we lost our baby. A year later & I am pregnant again, & in a sense like last year I feel like I'm in the same position. Now I'm not saying I expect Zeke to die NO I am trying to believe he will live. Zeke Has to LIVE, but all my doctors expect him to die. Whats different from last year? As horiable & agonizing as it was to go thru such a painful miscariage @ least it was all over within a few weeks. Today I have been carrying this impending what if since the middle of December, 4 months & I still have 2 more to go.

I'm scared. I am sooo tired. This weekend I threw myself into working on his nursery because I felt like that would make me have HOPE & Faith today. My heart is heavy today & ever since I left that childrens hospital I can't help but imagine my little baby living there fighting for his life at just a mere 2lbs. His room looks beautiful but I can't help but wonder if he will ever use it or will it turn into a shrine or something painful I will have to walk by everyday after he is gone. I think my fears are getting stronger because my time w/ him in my belly is diminishing greatly. I am so scared now @ 29 weeks just thinking of having 10 weeks left I can't fathom the fear & anticipation come June. I feel defeated I don't think my belly has grown in the last few weeks. I have lost some weight & am just not looking like I should @ 7 1/2 months. I go in for another scan in a little over a week & I admit I keep putting it off, because I do not want to face the fact that he may not be growing. I keep asking God why?

Most days I just pretend that everything is okay, (it's just easier that way)& he is perfectly healthy, but what if he isn't? How does a person walk thru that? How does a family keep going on when they lost a son & a brother? There are some people out there that keep telling us everything will be okay & in the end he will be born completly healthy. Somedays, most days I believe that with my whole heart & other days like today I feel alone facing the truth of what is going on inside me. So tonight I ask for strength & peace to get us through the next 10 weeks. I pray we savor everyday we have w/ him because more than ever we don't know how long we really have with our precious Zeke William.