Tuesday, September 28, 2010

busy is best for me

Some days you just wake up and everything that could go wrong goes completely wrong. Today I had one of those days. I wanted to start over only 5 min after I had gotten up. When you are at your calm, happy, "normal" self burnt coffee, spilled coffee, forgotten lunches, almost missed bus, lost homework, phone battery going dead, no parking spot at work, lost keys, and a misplaced shoe & a messed up DVR would just frustrate you, but when you are a grieving mom you feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. The anxiety comes over you and you can't even do the simplest thing like finding paper towels to clean up the spilled coffee or getting in the car to drop the lunches off @ school. These things are not that big of a deal but for me the last few months you would think I was trying to solve world peace.

At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.

The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!

I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.


  1. uh.. people mean well, they really do, but that's such an unfortunate comment. almost like "you lost your husband, but imagine how many women never marry", or something silly like that.

    I have never gone through a loss like this, yet I can remember countless times when our lives felt like a pressure cooker, and ANYTHING would make me cry, make me more snippy, or just furious .. I remember screaming explitives just because I would misplace my keys, and swear God must be against me. I've questioned God in so much more minimal situations than yours, so here is to your strength. And, praying for a peace, but I don't see how anything you are feeling isn't completely normal in the grieving process. XOXO

  2. Stef, I am so sorry you are going through this. When I miscarried in 2008, many people gave me pat answers like that... I hated that. I learned through that to never do that to someone. I pray you get stronger everyday girl. You are LOVED and CHERISHED!

  3. Hi Stefani,

    I just want you to know that people all over the world think about you all the time :)
    We have never met, and never officially spoke to one another, but I think about you a lot and wonder how you are doing.
    I am glad you updated your blog. It is a way for people like me to connect to you, if only to offer the thought of a hug.
    We are all thinking about you Stefani.
    And we all think about Zeke too. :)

  4. Stefani,
    I hope you know how much your story has touched so many people...many of which will never meet you or even talk to you. I have followed your story from the June 2010 boards. I can only offer how sorry I am for your entire family and how much I have prayed for you all this time. I hope you will find some sort of peace someday. I also would like you to know that it is stories like yours that make me hold my son more tightly at night, that make me be a more patient mommy, and that make me appreciate everything I have and to try and never take it for granted. I think you are right when you say God has a plan in all this and with you.