pregnant w/ #4!

This was me pregnant with Zeke @ 34 weeks pregnant
This is me pregnant w/ #4 @ 36 weeks pregnant
Here I am pregnant with #4 @about 34 I believe
Here our some of out Maternity shots taken when I was 28 weeks pregnant with #4!

it's almost time

wow, things are changing!

So I am back! It has been awhile and I know how important it is for me to write, but I just have been so darn busy that I only seem to think about blogging when I am in my car or I see my dear friend Kristi's blog links on her FB page as I am scrolling before bedtime.

Most of you know I am almost 38 weeks pregnant w/ my 4th baby and we are anxiously sitting on pins and needles just waiting until baby decides to make the famous depute! We have not announced gender or our list of names, not to be spiteful but to honestly just be silly ;) We are now in the home stretch and I am am very nervous. We passed the 36 week mark of when Zeke's heart stopped and that for me was very monumental, but as each day goes by I notice myself poking at my belly to make sure there is movement reciprocated back to me & I feel myself holding my breath when my nurse puts the doppler on my belly to check for the sweet heartbeat. The last few visits, I have wished that she would say okay lets have this baby, but she doesn't she says "see ya next week!" lol the waiting is killing me.

I admit apart of me is waiting for what you would call the "ball" to drop but then at the same time I am praying my guts out that everything will be and so far has been picture perfect and I will bring a beautiful baby home to my family! I remember when I found out I was pregnant I prayed for a "boring, non eventful" pregnancy. After all the problems and scares we had w/ Zeke all the ER visits & weekly OB apt starting @ 20 weeks I just wanted to enjoy this pregnancy and feel normal. So far it has been wonderful and I am so thankful to God for giving me this precious gift. Now to just get this baby out of my belly & into my arms so that I can see for myself that baby is healthy and perfect!

I am praying for a smooth and complicated free delivery & I pray every second that nothing will go wrong, but what so many people don't understand is just because you have walked through a tragedy like we did it doesn't make you immune to another. This world is cruel and mean, but I have to believe and I do that God is with us just like he was in the delivery room w/ Zeke. We may have been in mourning during that season, but our God is amazing and he will turn our mourning into dancing! I can't wait until we have the biggest party ever! I have a feeling the hospital staff will be telling us to be quiet and calm down because we are having a party when this baby comes! I feel for the first time that we are coming into spring and I am SO thankful for all the love and support we have gotten thru out the last few years.

dates.....

Dates ..... They always haunted me after Zeke was born I was consumed w/ all the significant dates that surrounded him like January 7th the day we found out he was sick, May 21 the day his heart stopped, & May 25 the day I delivered him. Even the time 11:05 of his arrival haunted me for over a month.
I would dread these days more than anything. I could tell they were coming near just by my attitude & how cranky I would get. When the dates came I was very emotional & would relive every second of that day & cry. I could tell you to the second how long it has been since he died, until this month. I was driving home from work last night & it dawned on me that all those dates passed me & I never dwelt on them. At 1st I was shocked & then I was relieved that maybe just maybe I was moving past all the sadness & all the grief.
Now it doesn't mean I don't ever think of him cause I do constantly I do, but when I do I smile I dont cry uncontrollably we laugh about him & dream about what he is doing in heaven today. He is so much alive in our hearts he will always be apart of us. But no longer do I feel guilty that I laugh & I smile & for that I am so grateful

Now I can post my thoughts straight from my phone thru texting! What will they come up w/ next!! Love it :)

a year later

Wow!

I cannot believe we made it thru this last year. It is crazy to think of where I was at this exact moment last year

and then to see us now. My family is stronger, my marriage is stronger, and most importantly my faith is stronger. If you would of told me May 24, 2010 that I would make it through the most awful day of my life I would of laughed at you. I would of cried and screamed out of pure desperation. The pain that I felt that night before delivery is something I will never forget and I hope I never will. Not because I want to dwell on it but because I want to remember that point of desperation, the feeling of me on my knees begging for God not to save my son but to get us up in the morning and to get us to the hospital and carry us thru the most scariest and dreadful day of our life. The feeling of being totally helpless and at the mercy of God and yet feeling of his arms physically around me was incredible. The strength that overcame my husband was phenomenal, not that I didn't believe he had it in him but because he was just as broken as I was yet he was their for me he was my pillar of strength that day and I saw Jesus shine through him. The peace I felt that day could only have come from God.

I woke up the morning of the 25th and saw David getting ready just like he does every morning before work. For a second I figured he would be heading off to work soon and then it hit me, like a 20-pound weight pulling my heart into my gut. I remember David helping me out of bed and getting me ready we had to be at the hospital @ 6am I believe. I remember walking out into the living room and my mom was already up and in the kitchen it was already 6am & I could of cared less that we were late its not like they could start w/ out us. I talked to my mom about getting the boys off to school and then I picked up my pink polka dotted bag & hugged her she said she would be there w/ us as soon as the boys got on the bus. I don't remember how we got to the hospital it was all a fog & then we walked down the hallway and past the baby nursery. I remember putting my hand up to block myself so I couldn't see in 2 those beautiful healthy babies. I began praying again for my nurse I prayed for compassion and kindness I knew that what ever nurse we had that day was either going to make it bearable or make it a complete nightmare.

I walked into Labor and Delivery and gave them my name and I felt like everyone had stopped talking to each other & was staring at me thinking "oh the poor thing." I was relieved to see that they put me at the end of the hallway were there was no action going on. My first nurse was really sweet she explained that she had gone through a similar experience a few years back and that she was sooo sorry. She said to be prepared for when I had to leave, for her that was the hardest thing.... leaving w/ out her baby in her arms. She sat there and talked to us for a little bit and then hooked me up to my IV's and got me comfortable. She checked me and I was about 2 cm, she said Zeke was breach so before she started my pitocin she wanted my doctor to come in, thinking I might have to have a c-section. Inside I started freaking out. I did not want a c section I wanted to have him, get the heck out of there and go to my own bed. If I had a c-section I knew I would be stuck there for at least 3-5 days. Fortunately my doctor came in and was able to turn Zeke into the right position and I was able to go forward w/ my vaginal delivery.

They started my pitocin about 7:30am and I got my epidural about 9am. They had asked David to leave while I was getting my epidural because earlier that year a dad in California had passed out, hit is head and died during his wife's epidural. Sheesh you better believe I didn't take any chances & he went for a walk. ;) By this time my wonderful nurse Janice had taken over for the day shift and I immediately loved her. She hugged on me and rubbed my arm and as I was getting my epidural we were forehead-to-forehead crying, laughing, and praying. I remember the horrendous pain and burning sensation of that epidural my gosh I was actually second guessing getting it, it was that bad! They were amazing to me tho and gave me the strongest drugs they could. She told me my heart is going to be hurting enough she didn't want me to feel physical hurt if she could help it. Boy did she do her job I could not even move my toes I was so numb it was wonderful. While we waited we filled out the awful paper work and set up things with the funeral home and the photography guy. We played games on our phones and laughed we joked. The joy of the Lord was in our room. Our nurse explained to us that she had heard we were coming in today and she started praying for us the night before and this morning while she walked her dog all the while having absolutely no idea she would be assigned to me. That was truly a God thing. I was her only patient and the atmosphere in our room was not what you would expect from a stillborn birth. She said the other nurses where shocked on how well we were doing and that they were amazed by the smiles coming in and out and the peace we all seemed to have.

By about 930 my mom got there and things we starting to get moving my doctor said that if I delivered him by Noon I would be able to go home that evening. I was praying I could go home. I did not want to have to stay in the hospital and be next to new families and hear babies crying when all I could imagine was mine all alone in the hospital basement in a bucket. I remember at some point our phone rang in the room and David answered it and it was the nursery asking us who our pediatrician was and David had to tell them twice “our son has died we will not be needing a pediatrician.” The next time Janice came in he told her what had happened and the look on her face made me laugh she was so mad that they called and kept apologizing.

My water still had not broke and we were really waiting for that to happen to get a better idea of a timeline. At around 1030am I started to feel some pressure and we called for Janice and she said I was about 5 cm and my bag of water was right there she would call the doctor to see if she should break it. By the time she got back about 15-20 min later she checked me, my water broke and I was at 9 cm. My mom stepped outside; some of our friends had just got there. Next thing I remember was Janice looking at me and saying sweetie he is coming out right now! There is no time for the doctor and I have no equipment I am going to catch him. She propped 1 leg up and before I knew it w/ out even 1 push she said he is out. It all happened so fast that David didn't have a chance to jump off the couch and come to where I was @ the front of the bed. The eerie silence that filled that room is something I will never forget. I remember David burying his face in his hands and crying, I started to scream into a pillow because we were just waiting to hear his cry even though we knew he was gone. Nothing! We heard nothing but the awful sound of silence. I finally made eye contact with Janice and she told me she would not recommend letting the boys see him, he had defiantly passed away a lot earlier in my stomach than we expected. At that moment I knew I would have an extremely hard time seeing him myself. She asked if I wanted him on my chest and I said no take him away. Unfortunately she couldn't because she did not have the tools to cut the cord. So she sat there and held him because his own mother could not, she grabbed my hand and held it for what felt like forever before my doctor came in and they finished. She carried him over to the incubator and I remember thinking why didn't she turn it on? Why didn't she stay with him what if he would fall off?

I saw David go over to be with Zeke & he collapsed over the little bed crying out of desperation. He called his mom and I heard him say he looked just like Elijah. When I heard that, I started crying an uncontrollable deep cry that I had never experienced before. I can not stress enough how bad Zeke looked and I did not even see him with both eyes open. The only thing I can say to describe it was to imagine seeing a person after they had been dead for a week. I was a walking tomb for at least 6 days. He was not pink and pudgy and kissable sweet. It was honestly the most frightening and scary picture and I can say that cause I am his mommy. I had nightmares for months. I don't know how David stood there and kissed him and touched him the way he did. He was so brave and so strong yet so broken at the same time.

I still had not let myself look at him very well, but what Janice and David told me he was covered in black from the me conium and his head was normal size but his torso never developed past the 18 week gestation, his legs and arms were very long. He looked very out of proportion. He did not look like a baby you want to cuddle and kiss, plain and simple. He had been dead for almost a week inside me. Many people kept sending me messages telling me how they knew he was so beautiful and they hoped I could hold him and kiss him and spend as much time with him as I wanted. I think I finally turned my phone off because the guilt that came over me from not wanting to even look at him was indescribable!

After all the delivery stuff was over I made Janice take him out and start with hand and footprints. My mom and our friends came in and we talked and they went to get us lunch shortly after. In the meantime Janice kept trying to bring him in and I kept telling her NO! I couldn’t do it I had imagined him to look a certain way and he didn’t I was not prepared to give birth to him looking like that. It was beyond traumatizing! She told us that she was unable to get handprints because his hands never developed all the way they were stuck in a fist I think. She did do a ton of footprints for us. She took our bibles back there and put his footprints in the front of our bibles and also in 2 small ones for the boys. She was going to keep going but she said that his skin was starting to fall down like a sock around his ankles and she was afraid to do many more prints.

I think it was around 1pm when she came in and said that he was really deteriorating and if I was going to see him I needed to do it now. I agreed not because I wanted to but because I honestly felt I HAD to. I mean I was his mother of course I had to look at him what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t. Just as she was bringing him in, in a dang bassinet (which I thought was so weird) I’m pretty sure my mom was stepping out to give David and I some time alone with him. I remember her putting her hand over her mouth and she looked away quickly. I sat in that bed w/ David next to me thinking a million things but what shocked me the most was my complete desire to not hold him. It shocked me, but emotionally I had shut down and I was defiantly in survivor mode.

She came over to the bed and said something’s I don’t remember; I just kept staring at him in the bassinet wrapped loosely up in his blanket. She sat on the edge of the bed and I closed my eyes and she put him in my arms. My arms were stretched out as far as they could be, I started crying and just as I opened 1 eye to look at him and bring him to my chest, I handed him back and started screaming, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it, and it’s not him!” I remember David telling Janice to take him out and then he said the sweetest thing to me. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “You don’t have to hold him, you held him for 9 months inside you and next to your heart, you do not have to hold him baby, I am not going to make you.”

At that moment peace came over me and a sense of relief filled my spirit. The pressure was off of me and I felt better. Shortly after that my doctor came in to tell me that as long as I peed 2 times I could go home tonight. She said that they were going to keep me in the delivery room so I didn’t have to go stay a few hours in the maternity ward and Janice could help discharge me. I remember feeling determination and I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off of me. We started getting flowers delivered to us by many wonderful friends and then we met w/ a counselor I think to talk about funeral arrangements.

My mom had left to go meet the boys at the bus stop and then she was going to bring them back up to see me before there baseball game that night. By this time the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep still had not shown up to take photo’s and I had gone into the anger stage of my grief! Nothing was going the way I wanted it and nothing I could do could change it. I felt like I kept trying to make deals w/ God. …Just let me have 2 min with him alive, just let me have a beautiful photo oh him, just let me have a picture of the 5 of us, just let me have a photo of him w/ David and I, okay God seriously can the photographer just freaking show up please before I leave! My friend did take some snapshots of him around 1pm right before I tried to see him I think, and I remember them saying he had started to swell and did not look good at all. About 530-6 o’clock maybe the guy finally showed up and tried to take some photo’s but Janice said honestly not to expect them to turn out Zeke had been born 8 hours ago and his body just was not lasting.

It was finally time to get discharged and I was more than ready to get the heck out of there! I was dressed and our things were ready way before Janice even had my paper work. Some friends had come up to help us leave and I remember telling them that I felt like I had just had a very late term miscarriage that it did not feel like a birth and maybe that was a good thing because it is easier for me emotionally to walk out of the hospital. I was dreading being wheeled out, I kept my head down and sent my dad a text telling him I was on my way home, trying to keep my mind of the fact that I was leaving and my sweet Zeke was still there and on his way to the morgue. I remember having a few laughs on the way to the car and then hugging Janice like she was a dear old friend I didn’t want to say goodbye to.

The next few hours and days were a blur. I couldn’t sleep I had nightmares and I was in shock but I also remember telling my mom the relief I felt that it was finally over. Its not that I didn’t feel sad, I just couldn’t believe this nightmare was finally behind us and we could move on, we were not stuck waiting for something to happen.

Now a year later and I have still not looked at the photo’s of Zeke except 1 and that is of his feet. I do not have any regrets of not holding him longer or kissing him. I do wish I would have had Janice snap a quick photo of David, Zeke (all covered in his blanket) and I, but I was still so sure that the photographer was going to show up at any moment I didn’t need to do that yet. I am amazed that we have made it a year and it amazes me even more the impact that little boy had on his big brothers! They have done amazingly well and still talk about him constantly and I have no doubt that Zeke will never be forgotten because he truly is apart of us. I will never know why we had to go through what we did, but I do know that God showed us so much mercy on that very day it was amazing to say the least. God does know how much we can handle and yes he chose to take Zeke to heaven but he spared David and I having to watch him take his last breath. We both know we couldn’t have watched him suffer. We truly had an angel in our room “Janice” if it wasn’t for her kindness and her faith in God the whole situation could have been much worse.

To Zeke....Your name is so fitting for you! "God Strengthens" You were a fighter and you fought hard you stayed with us much longer than any of the doctors imagined and you made it to 2lbs and 2 ounces when they said you wouldn't make it past 1 pound! You have truly strengthened me and your dad in ways we couldn't imagine and we are so grateful for your little life even tho it was to short for us we know you didn't need to be here long to fulfill your destiny. Happy Birthday sweet boy I love you and I am so thankful I am your mommy! I would go through it all over again just to feel you kick me one more time! Your Daddy and your brothers miss you so much and we talk about you all the time! We are having a birthday party tonight for you! The boys are honored to smash your cake in your absence. I hope you enjoy the balloons everyone sent you and I bet you and pawpaw and my grandma and grandpa were having a blast catching all of them! We miss you all so much but I know in my heart you are were you are meant to be.

Hugs and Kisses ...... love always your Mommy!

hmm can't believe it may

Well its been awhile, I haven't had the desire to write & even tho there are plenty of things i would like to say. I guess it has just fallen into that category of "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" :-)

Things have been going good for us, we are staying super busy which is nice but at the same time exhausting. I am throwing myself into school and the boys are SO ready for summer vacation. David is just being an awesome husband and dad & just being amazing! I just love him more each day! We made it thru the anniversary of Davids dad on the 29th of April. I knew it was going to be hard, I just wasn't prepared for the extreme heaviness in which that day brought, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath & I just hated to see my husband hurting and missing his dad. We are coming up on the anniversary of Zeke and I am ready to get passed it, but I also am wishing it would drag out. I can't believe it has been a year. I feel the same emptiness that I felt that day in the hospital, yes I have learned to deal w/ it and keep moving forward but it doesn't mean i don't miss him every single day. I think we are going to plan a little party for him and have a cake and then let some balloons go with messages to him on it. His birthday scares me, I just don't know what to expect and apart of me just wants to skip it.

1 month

The whole family together minus by gang, David, Elijah & Malachi

All the grandkids together w/ John. Oh how Grandma would of loved this photo!

Jessica and I with John

It will be a month tomorrow since my grandma went to heaven. It is so hard to believe it has been a month and while we all met at her house to say goodbye & show our respects. I got back on a plane & went back to my crazy life being a mom, student and working full time. Life stood still for me that week I was in Oregon and since then it has really made me ponder what was truly important in my life. Yes I pondered the same thing after my father in law died and then when Zeke died, but we get so busy and life happens, before we know it we are stressed out, short with our kids and frustrated because we don't have a clean house and folded laundry. When something tragic happens it is like we get shocked by electricity and we really savor life and how quickly it can all be over.

I have had a rough month w/ trust and believing that God has a purpose and a plan for all this pain. He knows the end of the book and even though we only see a sentence he knows what will need to be written next in order for us to get the ending he has planned for us. So the frustration is only human and the "talks" in the car to God lately have been out of desperation, pain, grief, and sometimes pure fear. To know that he is okay with my anger is so comforting because I know that he is the one and only who takes me as I am and loves me regardless of my emotions. He knows I have to get thru this in order to receive my joy later down the road.

It was bittersweet getting together with all my family because we all knew how much grandma wanted that and how unfortunately life just kept getting in the way of all of us being able to take off work and travel out there at the same time. She was a wonderful woman and showed us how to truly love her family and put them first. I hope and pray I can be the kind of mother who shows unconditional love and support to my family as she did. She was always telling us to make sure our words were sweet because we may have to eat them later. ;) I love you Grandma and wish you knew how much you impacted my life.

unconditional love

Its been awhile, every time I go to write it just doesn't come out.

2010 was a heartbreaking year for me and my family we suffered alot of heartache as we buried and said goodbye to father in law and then our sweet little boy. When 2011 came I didn't dare say it couldn't get worse but as the same time I thought surely we would have a year full of blessings and smiles after our year of mourning.

Feb 23, 2011 my Grandma unexpectedly went to be with Jesus. It was a shock, it still is a shock. She had not been sick so to hear that she was in the hospital we just assumed it was dehydration and she would be home in a few days. Before we knew it went from bad to worse in a matter of hours.

It doesn't matter how many times you have had to hear those words .... "I have bad news" it doesn't make it any easier! I keep having flash backs to that last phone call I had with her just a week before she died, who would of ever thought that was it? We know life is precious and we say we cherish life and our loved ones, but do we really CHERISH them as if it might be the last phone call, hug, kiss, or even a casual goodbye? Did I tell her I loved her before we hung up? I don't remember it was crazy I was standing in gym waiting for the boys to play their basketball game. I do remember she didn't want to bother me and knew I was busy but I told her "no, I have time to talk I am just waiting for the game to start." we talked about seeing each other this summer and how I hoped we would be able to come out. She told me how much she loves getting updates on the boys and seeing their pictures. We talked about school and she told me she was so proud of me & how I am her favorite oldest grandchild named Steffy." Our conversation wasn't very long 15 min maybe but I remember thinking I need to call her next week, but did I tell her I loved her? I don't remember.

She was a wonderful woman. She loved her family and she always made everyone feel so important to her. I was her favorite oldest granddaughter and David was her favorite grandson named David and so on with everyone else. She was always there for support and love whether she agreed with you or not. She never gave her opinion unless you asked and she constantly told you she was so proud of you. We had a lot of great memories together, Garage Sale shopping was one of our favorite things to do on the weekends. I remember she drove down the middle lane between the 2 yellow lines 1 Saturday because we were in a hurry to catch a sale and that lane just wasn't being used. ;) I remember dressing up in her church clothes and walking down the sidewalk with a toy shopping cart and high heels thinking I was the coolest girl on the block. There are so many memories I have of Grandma but the one thing that stands out the most is her commitment to her family. She gave her whole life to us all and she loved us with such unconditional love. She was wonderful and to think that she is no longer here just hurts so much. Her legacy will live on in all of us and her commitment & unconditional love to her family is something that will never be forgotten.

So tell the ones you love that you love them, every time you talk to them because you never know when it will be your last conversation.

Shocked

I need to sleep. I have a LONG day of traveling ahead of me, but I also know I need to write.

The last 48 hours have been so crazy and so unexpected I still do not know how it is even happening. It feels like a bad dream, then again it seems like dejavu. Not that I am comparing, but it is alot of loss in a 10 month span. Just when I feel like I am turning a corner and trying to see my blessings, we loose such an amaising woman at such an unexpected time. How do you deal with this? We all say trust God and he will be by your side but I need something more tangible and I don't want that to come across the wrong way, but darn it I want a reason for all this! I want to know what in the world is going on and why did I have to loose 3 major people in my life in less than a year. I am not trying to throw a pity party, I just can't believe that such loss has come thru our family in such a short amount of time. I went 14 years and was lucky to only have to go to 1 funeral. Today I will have had to do 3 in 10 months of each other. How do you see God in all this? How do people survive with out him. I may be full of so many questions I feel like I am going to burst or better yet punch a freaking wall, but in the deapest part of my being I know the truth. It happens to be something my grandma used to always say. " Stef don't worry about tomorrow sweetie, because God is already there!" Yes my grandma went to be with Jesus Wednesday and as much as it hurts I know she is still with me and I am thankful her legacy will live on in me. I plan on writing more about her and how amazing she was, & how wonderful the dream I had was of Zeke being there when she crossed into heaven.

Please pray for us this next week as we deal with everything and having to face saying goodbye to her.

blessings come from raindrops......

I heard a song on the radio yesterday and I felt like God was speaking to me like he has never done before. I kept looking at the passenger seat thinking I was going to see him sitting there, that is how real this felt.

The song is called Blessings and it is from Laura Story's new CD. I have been struggling with trying to find my peace in the death of Zeke. I have been afraid to let him go thinking I wont get his memory back, I have been afraid to talk about him for fear that people will think I am crazy. The worst is I have pushed my family away because I have been holding on to the hurt and the pain of what happened to us. I told myself over and over that it wasn't God's fault he did not cause this, I knew I couldn't be mad at him & it wasn't David's fault so who did that leave...... ME. By being mad at myself I have turned that into anger and it has bled thru me and I have not been the mother or the wife they deserve. I have been snappy and irritable, I have been sad and extremely busy.

There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve but there comes a time when the days keep going on and I have to move forward. I have to accept that Friday it will be 9 months since we said goodbye. 9 months since I left him all alone in that hospital even tho it seems like it has only been 9 days.

So with tears rolling down my face, & knowing that he will always be apart of me and our family, I have a husband and 2 beautiful boys that need me right now. Zeke is okay in heaven he is better than okay. He is were we all want to be right now.

I am trying to look at this whole tragedy in a new light. David had told me a few weeks back that even tho it doesn't seem fair and it doesn't make sense right now, God knows and there may have been something that would happen down the road. Something that might have kept Zeke from going to heaven or maybe he knew that as hard as it was to loose him like we did we may not have survived him being so sick and having so many complications and eventually watching him take his last breath. So maybe we are blinded some days by God's grace and even tho it is not what we prayed for and even tho the answer we got hurts like hell, maybe God saw something worse and spared us. So is God actually blessing us by not giving us what we asked for? I think he just might have.

Here is a few of her lyrics that stuck out to me.....

What if it took a 1,000 sleepless nights to know that he is near

What if blessings come from raindrops

What if healing comes from tears

Just Beyond The Clouds

Just Beyond The Clouds

When the road of life is long
And it's hard to take another step
The sky is dark and hope is gone
But every word He said
Won't let your heart forget

There's sunshine just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming that'll wipe away the doubt
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds

Lightning strikes you're all alone
Caught up in this crazy storm
You can't find your way home
But there's a truth you can't ignore
You were meant for so much more

There's sunshine, just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming that'll wipe away the doubt
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds

Right behind the dawn
A place that's safe and warm
And all the love you're looking for . . .
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds . .

Sunshine just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming
That'll wipe away the doubts
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds.
Just beyond the clouds

by: Tyler Russell

love this

You were gone before I had the chance to say goodbye
Gone long before I had the time to cry
Now the sun has the nerve to turn the hours into days
And I'm still standing here, alone in this place

If heaven has a window to see from there to here
You know how much I miss you
and how I still feel you near
Closer than a whisper, like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go.
But then you already know
If heaven has a window.

Summer long I feel you there close against my side
Strong when the autumn leaves turn to wintertime
I look to where you once were there and I hear you start to laugh
And I wonder how long this pain is going to last.

If heaven has a window to see from there to here
You know how much I miss you and how I still feel you near
Closer than a whisper like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go.
But then you already know
If heaven has a window

Can't move on without you
But I know I have to
Until I'm up there with you
I'm gonna believe

That heaven has a window to see from there to here
And you know how much I miss you and how I feel you near
Closer than a whisper, like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go
But then you already know
You already know
If heaven has a window
Oh, If heaven has a window

by: Kelsey Marie

David

Today is Valentines Day and I think it is only fitting that I write about the man in my life.

My husband is truly my rock and if it wasn't for his unwavering faith and strength the last year would not of been a year I could of got thru.

He has kept me a float

He has helped me keep my eyes on Jesus.

He has made me see just what the grace of God truly is all about.

He has seen me @ my worst physically and emotionally & still wrapped his arms around me.

He has wiped my tears and heard my screams

He has made me laugh so hard I peed my pants

He has loved me unconditionally

He has picked up the slack when I have not been able to do much at all

He has stood strong and steady and reminding me to just pray my guts out

He has reminded me day after day that 1 day it will all make sense.

He has held me up when I knew he was so broken inside himself.

I love him! In those first few months after Zeke died I was a ball of nerves, tears, anger and anxiety attacks but as soon as David walked in the room I could just feel myself relax and calm down. Even though we have had so many ups & downs, we may not agree on everything and we may have our differences some days, bottom line we are holding on to each other. We are staying faithful to ourselves, our boys, and God. Even when somedays we think it might be easier to let go, we know deep down we are SO much better together than we are apart. I have been an emotional roller coaster the last 12 months and it is David despite all the loss he has suffered as well that has kept me going. It is David that keeps me grounded and helps me see what is really important. We have had are share of differences but at the end of the day, I could not move to the next day with out him by my side. He is truly my other half.

I found this and I could not of written anything better myself....

No matter what life brings

Your there with the kind of love and constancy

that gets me through both good days and bad

with a smile that guides my heart

back to what matters most

I am grateful for you!

I love you David more and more each day. Thank you for not giving on me and for not giving up on us.

secret tears still flow

A friend sent me this and this is EXACTLY how i feel. Still I don't understand how 1 day you feel great and then the next day you feel like it all happened yesterday. I was laying down with the boys last night and we were laughing and talking and all of a sudden i got all choked up (so glad we were laying in the dark) thinking how we will never be complete again. People always say when they have that baby "ah our family is finally complete" I am heartbroken to think that mine will never feel that way. Apart of us will always be missing and no amount of time will change that. Having another baby will never replace him. Apart of us will always be missing and that is scary to realize that. It hurts to think that Elijah and Malachi may not remember him one day. When will they stop drawing him in the family pictures they make? How do I keep him alive and apart of our family with out sounding like I cant get passed loosing him? So this quote is exactly where I am at right now. I feel lost, scared, alone and sad. I am honored and humbled by all of you who think I am so "STRONG" & "BRAVE" but I am not, I am purely surviving and hiding behind this blog most days with tears running down my face and a box of tissues in my hands. Then I close my laptop and I "suck" it up and be a wife, a mom, daughter, sister, and friend the best that I can and most days I feel like I fail but each day is a new day and hopefully it will be better.

"No fairwell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know." ~Unknown

NOW!!!

I want to be done w/ school! I want to be walking in the calling I feel so strongly for. Can I just go to bed tonight and wake up with my bachelors degree & be getting ready to go into work at the NICU department? I just want to be done! I want to be able to help other families, share our story & I want to get started on what I feel I am called to do! Waiting Sucks! Thinking about all the hard work I have to do is overwhelming, and scary. I already feel like I am not spending enough time with my boys and my husband and I havn't even started clinicals yet. AHHHHH & yet I want another baby i must be totally and completely insane! lol

hmmm

I watched my boys last night play with a sweet baby girl about 9 months old. It made me really happy and sad at the same time, but the best thing is it made me realize and "consider" that having another baby or thinking about trying wouldn't be such a bad idea. I want to give my boys another sibling, I want to give my husband another baby, do i want to be pregnant again NO!!! Do I wish I could just go pick one up at the hospital, YEP!

I guess my heart is softening to the idea, I have been so concerned that I can't do a baby and school, and work and life. After a talk with my mom i realized that you know what we could do it, I would move her and my dad out here LOL but having another baby would not crush my dream of being a nurse, people do it all the time. So i don't really know what to say except I am just writing my feelings out and wondering out loud. A baby, am I ready for that? I don't know if I ever will be ready to put our hearts out on the line again, but I also do not want to always wonder the what ifs. So I am letting go of the control and I am giving it to God. When it happens I will be okay and hopefully i won't be a preggo basket case ! lol

talking

Talking.....

Some people think talking is good, bad, or annoying. Some people don't talk much, other's talk way to much. It is known that women talk a whole lot more than men do.

Today I went to ikea w/ a new friend of mine from church. We do what any other girls do when they get together and that is TALK. I never know when or if I should bring up Zeke. I do not want it to be all that is about me, but I feel like I am ignoring him if I don't bring him up. My friend Shannon told me with tears in her eye's that she knew, she had read parts of my blog and she knew about Zeke. What a relief ! She told me what any grieving mommy loves.... "you can talk about him whenever you want!" We bonded at that moment! =) As cheesy as that might sound, she understood and that is everything to me. It is not that I do not have other friends that let me talk about him, I do and I am forever grateful for them. It is just an awkward "elephant in the room" kinda thing when you are meeting a person for the first time and building a friendship. You just don't know when to bring it up.

So I opened up and I talked about him, told his story on and off in between our fun little trip to ikea. I got teared up a few times but it is so soothing to talk about him and to know that the person you are talking to sincerely cares. I never realized how much I LOVE talking about Zeke until today. I always felt guilty when I didn't "cry" or I was always afraid it was because "i was dwelling on our trauma" or I couldn't get passed the "bad" that happened to us and wanted people to know that yes we went through a horrible time but we are still standing. Yes maybe some of that is true, but honestly talking about him and telling his story is like telling my mom something funny that Malachi or Elijah did. Zeke is my little boy and just like I love talking about Elijah and Malachi. It is okay for me to LOVE talking about Zeke, even if it is not a good outcome or a funny story.

So Shannon, thank you! Thank you for allowing me to talk to you and share my story with you. More importantly thank you for our new friendship .

a day with no agenda......

Today I was home all day. As much as I always think I want just 1 day at home like it used to be before I started working full time and going to school I am quickly reminded how much I need business.

Houston basically shutdown today for fear of snow today so that meant that me and the boys got a snow day, which was totally awesome last night thinking how we could sleep in and lay around all day in our jammies today w/ out an agenda at all! Until that is we woke up and their was NO snow! my boys were crushed and I was just frustrated. (what a way to start your day)

I wanted to be productive today since I wasn't working and knew I couldn't get any school work done with the boys home. So house here I come you are gonna be clean gosh darn it! Yeah I made it as far as doing the dishes and then doing 1 load of laundry, before I got TOTALLY overwhelmed. When I say overwhelmed I don't just mean normal where do I start stuff..... I was having a panic attack, I started crying when I saw the mounds of laundry in my room and then looking at the boys room and toy room just sent me over the edge. So guess what I did? I crawled in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy. I totally ignored the mess of the house knowing that it was the beginning of the weekend and it was only going to get messier. I gave up!

Today was hard. I wanted to enjoy my boys and it seemed like I just kept getting upset with them or frustrated. I felt so bad and so awful as a mother that I was not enjoying our day together. I couldn't handle being home today with the boys it wasn't because I didn't want it because I did so desperately but my nerves were a wreck and I couldn't handle all the thoughts of Zeke today. It felt like a month had been built up and I hadn't really let myself miss him and so today when I was home alone with all our activities cancelled BAM it hit me and I felt like I was back at that first day of summer with no baby a husband at work and 2 boys who didn't understand why their mother was a complete mess. So finally I grabbed both of them and we cuddled on the couch together and watched a few movies and I was able to calm down and remember that these boys need me more than they need a clean house. They need me to play with them and sit with them while they watch cartoons, so that is what I did it took me all morning to figure it out, but at least I caught it before i lost the whole day.

So yes I am completely busy and I am overwhelmed at times of what all we do, but at the end of the day I would rather be overwhelmed with boys scouts, little league, school and working than being overwhelmed with panic attacks and uncontrollable crying over my sweet little boy Zeke. I may not be able to control what has happened to our family, but I can control my schedule to the point were I am not able to dwell on it and make myself miss him more than what is healthy grieving. Some people think I need to slow down and that I am just masking my grief but I would say to them I am doing what I need to do to survive. I have battled with depression before and it is a HARD place to come out of and I do not want to go down that road again. The only way I know to do that is to do the opposite of what put me there in the first place, STAY BUSY.

writing assignment

I had to write about someones last day on earth before they died for one of my classes. Here is what I wrote from Zeke's perspective, let me know what you think. ..........

Today is my last day alive. I have not lived very long in this life but what a wonderful experience I have had. Most people do not consider me alive, most people do not even consider me to be worth fighting for. That is except my mommy and daddy! I am still in my mommy’s stomach and even though I have yet to take a breath on the outside, my heart is still beating very strong. So many doctor’s have told my mommy that I would not make it, that I was broken and unfixable. Every week they gave her the option to kill me. She never took that option, even though she knew she might have to say goodbye one day.

For some reason my tummy is not growing and my heart is getting to big for my chest, the doctor’s think that before long it will just be to big and my heart will explode in my tiny little chest. My mommy & daddy though know this big guy upstairs called God and they are praying he heals me so that I can be apart of their family. It is still not to late! God can heal me and make my families dream come true. I already am their family, but I want to come home and play with my brothers and have mommy and daddy take care of me.

My mommy layed in bed last night and I talked to her through my kicks, Daddy put his hands on her belly and I kicked him to. He prayed a really good prayer, I liked it. I wish I could of met them, I mean I know them but I wanted to see them. I heard them all these 9 months and they sounded wonderful. My brothers they were constantly talking to me and showing me their toys. My youngest brother Malachi was so excited I was coming right before his birthday! They are a busy group even considering how sad mommy is, she is trying to not let my brothers see her pain. I went to baseball games, and birthday parties, we were at church every weekend and people mommy didn’t even know were praying for her and me. Praying I would come home healthy. I wish I could have been her miracle.

Today is the day my family has been dreading. Today is the day my heart is going to stop. I wish I could change it, I wish I could take the pain away from my family but for some reason I don’t even know, I am supposed to grow up in heaven instead of earth. I will miss the sound of mommy. I hope they have green olives and dr. pepper in heaven. I heard my grandpa just went up to heaven, we just got back from GA and my family has been really sad. I hope he is happy and likes it up there. I wonder if he will know me when I get there. I can’t wait to see him and hear all the stories he has about mommy and daddy and everyone else.

I wish I could of told mommy somehow that that was the last time she would feel me move, cause it is happening right now. My soul is gone. Wow heaven is amaising! He is here! Paw Paw is here at the gate of heaven with his arms open calling my name, he knows me!! I am so glad he is here with me so I am not alone.

preggos vs. babies

new pregnancy's...........

it seems to be getting harder to watch all my friends and people i don't know get pregnant. Don't get me wrong i am genuinely happy for them but at the same time my heart breaks each time i see a new expecting post of FB. i saw a little boy last week at the store blonde hair, blue eyes, about 9 months old sitting in the grocery cart sucking on his paci w/ his blanky in his hand ....... i couldn't stop watching him imaging zeke should be doing the same thing in my cart. zeke should be crawling all over the place & the boys should be running around chasing him and trying to keep all there itty bitty legos from going in his mouth! there are many days when I slam my computer shut not being able to take one more look at all the cute little babies born to all my wonderful friends, & there are just as many days that i can't stop looking at the photos because they are just adorable.

pregnancy's are harder for me still i don't get it, you would think it would be babies. i have no problem holding them, taking care of them (good thing since i work w/ them) lol you can't help but be happy when ur around babies i just wish with every ounce in me that one of them was zeke

3 times a week!!

I am trying to get back into the blogging thing again. I stopped because honestly I didn't want you to have to hear me being so down and sad all the time. So I am committing in my crazy life to blog @ least 3 times a week. It doesn't have to be long but just something to get me writing again and hopefully this will help me get thru this stage in my life, because it sure helped me get through the pregnancy.

I was at my study group for microbiology and we have all been working together for about 3 weeks now and everyone is nice and gets along great but we started chit chatting and getting to know one another a little better. One girl started asking us what made us choose nursing. The conversation turned to me and I froze, I got tears in my eyes and finally told them the "short" story. I think it is interesting when I talk about him or our story I seem to talk faster and & I get nervous. I don't know why I have this THING over me thinking that I have to hide him or be embarressed that I am still so upset over him because he technically didn't live on this earth. Why does that bother me so much? Part of it I think is the constant abuse I got at all the appointments on how they constantly told me I needed to end the pregnancy and how he wasn't gonna live, but still he was a human life and he died. Why do I feel like I have to hide him?

A year later

I can't believe I am sitting here 1 year after my whole world was changed. It was on that dreadful day last January when we found out that Zeke was not the healthy baby we dreamed of. Friday was a rough day it was exactly 1 year since I got that dreadful diagnosis that our sweet baby was severely sick & our life would never be the same.

WOW ! Honestly I am shocked and surprised that we made it. That is probably bad of me to say, but honestly I remember those morning's w/ my tear stained pillow & hugging my belly just screaming out in grief convinced I would not get through the next day. Those countless doctor visits and the joy of hearing his strong heartbeat each week that the doctor's didn't expect. We survived & we are learning how to move on & keep going. I have thrown my focus, my grief into nursing school & boy am I scared, but you know what I have learned through all this ......It is when you are in the fire that your true character shines. I am far from perfect I still get anxious and have anxiety attacks, I still cry uncontrollably some days over my baby boy, but God is carrying me through this it is his footprints in the sand next to mine and just like he walked w/ me through the death of Zeke he will still be here & help me get through school.

The worst year of our life & here we are finally on the other side looking back. We are not walking back into another doctor's office to hear that long list of things wrong w/ our sweet baby. We got thru those days that I never thought would end. I didn't think I would ever say this but apart of me misses those days, and I only say that because that is when we still had faith that he would be healed and come home w/ us to join our family. That is when I felt his sweet kicks when I ate those green olives & fruit smoothies. It was how quiet he got when I ate Mexican food. Those evenings when I lay ed on my left side in bed and he would kick me over and over like he was talking to me. I miss him so much and I will always miss him. There are days that so painful like it feels as if I just delivered him and then the next day it will be full of laughs and silly stories of being pregnant w/ Zeke.

I am excited for a new year and for all the things that we have ahead of us, but then I am sad. I am sad because we are starting a year that doesn't include Zeke. A year with new adventure's and new stories that don't include him and that hurts. We have talked about trying for another baby but I am just so scared to be pregnant again that if I could just come home w/ a baby I would do it tomorrow but being pregnant is petrifying for me. We want more kids & we are sad that their will be such a big gap between the boys and the next baby that is not what we wanted but we can't change that & I am not going to rush to get pregnant just so my kids are not 10 years apart.