Sunday, July 25, 2010

2 months old today

You would be 2 months old today.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out your heart stopped. Its been a long 2 months for me, but I can see today that I am healing and I don't cry every time I think about you, but I do still miss you so very much! I want to share a piece of you, I want to be proud of you and show picture's of you, but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel bad. I'm not embarrassed of you, I am not ashamed I promise. I love you so much, but the few pictures that I have are just to painful to look at. You are the sweetest little baby and you have impacted so many lives by your short time with us, I know they would love to see any picture, but I just can't do it. You have opened door's to share our faith with complete stranger's, your story was the reason a young mom did not have an abortion. People we didn't even know were praying for your healing. You taught your mommy and daddy what the true meaning of grace and mercy really was all about. We loved you so much and we will never be the same because of you.

Elijah and Malachi were so proud of you. They were constantly talking to you in my belly and telling you about their day at school and how one day they couldn't’t wait until you rode the school bus with them. They couldn’t wait to teach you how to play baseball and Malachi was so excited to give you his bike with training wheels on it so you could learn just like they did. Elijah gave you his special baby blanket that he slept with for 6 years. Malachi picked out a very special blue blanket that was just like the one he had. It was lined in silk with super soft fabric in the middle. We wrapped it in you right after you were born, you may not of noticed but you layed in the softest blanket for 8 hours. You blanket now lays under my pillow on my bed so I can touch it each night and feel like I am a little bit closer to you. The boys constantly drew you pictures and they couldn’t wait until you were born so there would be 4 boys in the house and only 1 girl. They couldn’t wait until you could sit in the backseat w/ them and watch star wars while we were going on a trip. Your daddy was constantly putting his hand on my belly and praying for you.
I wonder if you complete the same milestones in Heaven like you would here on Earth. Do you roll over @ 3 months, will you be a late crawler and walker like both your brother's were or do you walk right away? Can you talk or do you just cry and sing? I have been asking God to give me a dream and a vision of you to replace the one I have from the hospital and last night I am so thankful. I got that dream! I saw you in heaven Zeke you look just like your Daddy and brother Elijah with the cute little "gordon" chin and those sweet eye's. You had hair like Mommy and Malachi, blonde and curly. You had gained weight and you had such sweet cheeks. You were very tall like Malachi was when he was born.

You are with Jesus now. I would not ask you to trade that for anything Zeke. I know you are dancing and singing with Jesus and you couldn't be happier. I can't imagine the greeting you got as you walked through those pearly gates....To see your Papaw swallow you up with a wonderful hug and then to see your great grandparents and your uncle, it must of been a wonderful reunion! How is your sister? Did you know who she was instantly? Please tell her we love her and even though we may not of got to meet her like we did you, she is just as much apart of our family and I think of her constantly.

I had a dream last night. You were beautiful, you were healed and made whole. You did not look anything like your earthly body and for that I am so thankful that God gave me this dream. I saw you walking down the street w/ your sister and Papaw to meet the rest of your family. (The boys think you are rolling around in a golden stroller pushed by Papaw) You stopped to look back and then you smiled at Papaw and you told him "this is a wonderful place Pop!" He picked you up in his arms and spun you around and you both laughed. He asked you about all of us, how we were doing and you told him.... They miss us alot, but we will see them soon and then we can all be together. You stopped and played with your sister on the playground while all the grown ups stood around and worshiped. You told her about us, how Elijah has a stuffed horse named Fred and loves lego's. Malachi loves his blanket & cuddling with mommy to read books. They both played Star Wars all the time and they are really good @ baseball. The boys told me that since Papaw is up here he can teach us all the things he taught our daddy and our brothers and we will be just as good as they are. You talked about me and daddy and how much we loved you and prayed for you, how we never gave up hope even after you were born.

As much as my heart aches for you not being here, and even though I get really sad sometimes I know that you are were you are meant to be. You lived a very short life sweet boy, you impacted so many lives in the few months that very few people do in a lifetime. Enjoy heaven sweat heart, watch over your brothers for me please. I love you more than I ever could imagine and I am so thankful to be your mommy.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Baby Weight

Baby Weight!

We all hate baby weight. We all wish we could be skinny like the day's before we had our babies. I was looking at my wedding picture's the other day and I was shocked @ how skinny I was and just laughed when I thought of how I thought I was fat back then! LOL If you pinched me you wouldn't of pulled skin off of me, yet I thought I needed to loose some pounds. Here I am almost 9 years later and yes I am about to tell you ......... 60 pounds heavier not to mention my boobs will never be the same after breastfeeding my boys.

Now when I was pregnant with Elijah I gained a jaw dropping 68 pounds, I did work my butt off afterwards and got back to pre pregnancy weight fairly easy. It was MALACHI it was all his fault lol ...... I have never been able to loose all of his and then one thing lead to another and instead of loosing the weight I went and bought bigger clothes. =) I didn't think I had gained very much weight with Zeke only 18 pounds, granted it was added to the 20 I hadn't lost since Malachi (ya'll better not be getting a calculator out & posting my weight anywhere) which yes he was extremely tiny and for being 38 weeks pregnant I felt good about my weight gain.

But see now Zeke is gone and the weight is still here. I don't have a beautiful baby to put in a sling to cover up my midsection or explain for the huge, aching boobs. I can't walk into Walmart still wearing maternity clothes when I don't have a newborn or a protruding belly. When I try on my clothes in the morning I get so frustrated because still after 8 weeks NOTHING & I mean NOTHING fits me. I don't have Zeke's precious smile looking at me from a bouncy seat while I get ready in the morning & remind me that it is all worth it. I would gain another 100lbs if it meant getting him heavier and healthier to have more of a fighting chance to stay with us for just a little bit longer, but I can't.

So I hit the pavement Thursday. I started running again. I am running my anger & my frustration out and it feels great! I am tired of looking and feeling like I just gave birth. I don't ever want to nor will I ever forget him, but I need to get past the anger of him not being here. A lot of the anger has come from when I am trying to get dressed and I have to resort back to maternity clothes because these darn hips just haven't budged! You know what I am talking about ladies we all have it, the different wardrobes in our closet. We have the college clothes, pre baby clothes, the maternity clothes, the post partum clothes, the comfy clothes that only say S, M, or LG and then we have the "now" clothes.

I guess I say all that for this. Here I was embarrassed because I still have alllll the baby weight and I still can't get into my NOW clothes. I am 8 weeks post partum w/ no baby and I was so mad at myself for not getting it together & getting rid of the 1 thing I could control, my weight! You may not see your baby weight this way but it is a badge of honor, but that is how I have had to look at mine the last few days. It is something to be proud of. I know it may sound weird and no it's not something I want to hold onto forever, but I finally understand why I have held on and not started working out until now. I feel like I still have apart of him, apart of this season, this baby weight is Zeke it is all Zeke and I may not have him here w/ me like other mom's have their babies. Thanks to Zeke I have these thighs and I have the belly, and yes the butt. ;) I had to see myself not as someone who just ate to many chocolate chip cookies, but as someone who carried the most amazing little boy .... while eating some cookies. HaHaHa.

So be proud of yourself don't look at your baby weight as this awful curse or disease that you have to get rid of immediately. I'm not saying enjoy it, but don't hate yourself because not all of us are blessed to walk out of the hospital in our pre baby jeans. I know it may sound silly that I see this extra weight as a piece of Zeke, but I don't care. With him being gone I have had to find him in the little things, the silly things like my weight, and in the big things.

Monday, July 19, 2010

It doesn't make sense

Today I am scared and tired.

Scared I will never get past the loss of Zeke. Not that I want to forget him, but I am scared my heart and my body will physically ache for him forever. It is tiring, draining. and exhausting. The bummer of it is.... I can't seem to sleep at all! I am so tired but can't sleep.

I have a lot on my mind, but don't really know how to put it in words, surprising huh. LOL I just keep thinking about him and the longer it goes by the worse the pain is. Some days are harder than other's, someday's I laugh a lot and other days I just feel blah. I have learned that happiness is not living with out pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

I heard this on a show the other day and thanks to the DVR I was able to put it in slow motion so I could write it down..

"There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness but of power, they are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. " Washington Irving.

I loved my baby so much and my tears have now turned to prayers to God. I can not do this alone and am so thankful that God is not expecting me to act a certain way or do a certain thing. He just wants me to come to him. I don't have to quote scripture or say all these amazing prayers. He is just as happy w/ my tears as my words. He would rather walk in with me in the dark and me just cry, then me walk away from him at night.

I have been watching a lot of baby shows. You might think that I am crazy and how can I do that after loosing Zeke. But in away some days it helps. It helps me keep his memory alive and see that not all babies are sick and if they are sick, they don't always die some prayers are answered. I know that sounds weird, maybe it makes it worse, I don't know some days it is to hard to see a baby. Other days it is so comforting to see that baby's are born healthy and come home w/ their mommy's. It all made sense until I wrote it down, now I think I am just going crazy ....

Heaven's Child

A Sweet lady shared this with me after she lost her 2 boys. I am so thankful she has shared this with me and allowed me to share it w/ you.

Heaven's Child

I bearly knew of your exsistance
Hidden away in a secret place
Yet thoughts of you already stirring
To hold your hands, to see your face

Then one confusing, painful night
Your beautiful life was swept away
My body left aching and empty
My heart too overwhelmed even to pray

So I went on with my life and tucked you away
What had happened not even sure I could believe
With busyness and other children as distractions
I never allowed myself to grieve

Till the words of another hurting mother
Brought thoughts of you floodiing back to me
I realized I had to accept your loss
So I could heal and joy in your memory

Now I honor and celebrate your life
Though for now we must be apart
I cannot hold you in my arms
But I always hold you in my heart

The distance between us seems endless
Though it's only a little while
Till I wil see my precious gift from God
But now, you're Heaven's Child

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Jesus Wept

I am awake! Every night this week I have been awake well past 2am. At first I didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares I would have about the day of delivery. Now I don't want to sleep because of the dreams I have of Zeke. My dreams are so sweet and perfect I don't want to wake up, but when I do wake up the realization of it being a dream is SOO hard and I am reminded of my nightmare. The tears and the sadness are just awful. Its like in the beginning when I first found out about Zeke's diagnosis, I would dream of him being happy and healthy and then I would wake up and remember how sick he truly was.

Jesus Wept. So many people think we have to be happy, always be positive and never be angry or sad. Why is that? Who told us that? Jesus wept, he cried. He got angry and he got sad. So why do we think that we can't have those emotions to? Why do we think we can hide our feelings from God? ahh duh he already knows what were thinking, and how were feeling. Just because we do not come out and speak it verbally doesn't mean we can keep it from God. So why are so many of us ashamed to weep, yell, be angry? There is nothing wrong w/ working through our emotions as long as we do it in a healthy way. Why do so many people keep them bottled up and hidden? Why has our society made us feel like we can't be honest with our self and with others about how we truly feel?

Grief is an ongoing process. There isn't an end date or a magical day you just wake up and poof you feel better and are not sad anymore. You have good days and you have bad days. You have good mornings and you have bad nights. Its never the same. It seems the longer it has been the more real it is and that is what is hard for me. The shock has wore off and the realization that he truly is gone has hit me. I will be okay and I truly believe that. I have sad days and I have sleepless nights but I am not alone. God is with me when I cry and when I punch the pillows in anger. He is still here when I yell at him for not saving my baby. He is here with me no matter where my emotions are, no matter how I feel he hasn't left and that is SO comforting. That is what is getting me through this. I do not know how anyone can get through grief with out a relationship with God.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

what would you be thankful for?

I am thankful for my waterproof mascara
I am thankful for my big sunglass's
I am thankful for the big box of tissue's my parents got for me at Sam's
I am thankful for Tylenol PM
I am thankful for a pretty blue blanket that held my son a few hours, that now lays on my pillow
I am thankful for his footprints the only proof of him I can look at.
I am thankful for the belly picture's I took
I am thankful for for the comfort my husband brings me just by sitting next to me.
I am thankful for REAL coffee now
I am thankful for his heartbeat recording
I am thankful for my son, even though the pain that has come with him leaving is the hardest road I have traveled.
I am thankful for learning what pure love was all about
I am thankful for the strength of my boys to get me through this
I am thankful for the sun rising every morning and the moon setting each evening

I miss my belly
I miss his sweet soft kicks
I miss feeling him swim around
I miss laying on my left side and us having our "dates"
I miss the hope of what might be
I miss dreaming of his healing
I miss seeing the boys talk to my belly and show Zeke their toys
I miss David talking and praying over Zeke
I miss the cravings like fried pickles, green olives, rootbeer, and donuts
I miss eating anything I wanted with no guilt
I miss my son

he should be here

He should be here. He should be sleeping in his daddy's arms & going to the store and run errands with his mommy during the day.He should be playing on the floor w/ his toys or watching veggie tales on TV. I should be exhausted from nursing & late night feedings. My mom & dad came over the 4 th of July & I kept thinking about how he should be here w/ us. The tickle monster (grandpa) should of been playing with 3 boys not 2! Why isn't Zeke here w/ us? Oh my gosh this is truly not just a nightmare but my life! Yes some days I'm still in serious denial & some days are better than others. But It still feels like a nightmare.

Elijah & Malachi are gone visiting their grandparents in Florida & Georgia, Davids working & its just me @ home. It shouldn't be! I should be savoring all the sweet moments with just Zeke while his brothers are gone for a few weeks. We should be vegging out on the couch watching TV in between feedings and naps. I should be rocking him to sleep at night instead of staying up crying and staring at his footprints. Every day that goes by the worse it is. The more real it is, but yet it is so awful it can't be real! I don't think about the day or I wont be able to get out of bed.

I want another baby so bad, not to replace Zeke @ all, but then I don't want to rush into anything either. There are things I want to do before we try for another baby. I really thought his whole situation would scare me and David to not want to have anymore kids, instead it has done the opposite. The jealousy is getting very strong except its nothing minor like wanting to get the same cute jacket like my friend has. Its a baby, like that is gonna make all my pain go away.... I'm not that naive I know it wont help ! I just want to fix this, I want to make it all better. The loneliness is hard, even when I am surrounded by my family like the 4th of July. I still felt so empty and lonely it was so hard to smile.