Thanksgiving

Well we are here.

Found this it never got posted......

It is officially the holidays! Apart of me is excited & another part of me is sad. On a day when you are supposed to be thankful, I am having to remind myself to be happy for what we do have, when all I have though about is who is not here this year. We are missing 2 people. The first of everything is hard after you have lost a loved one. Not only is it the first holiday w/ out Zeke who would be 6 months old tomorrow, it is the first holiday in Texas and it is the first holiday w/ out Charles, David's dad. Thanksgiving also marks the anniversary for my grandpa who passed away 16 years ago on Thanksgiving morning.

I am sooooo happy that my parents and my sister are on their way right now to spend the holiday with us. I have been dreading the holiday season. I miss my baby and the thought of this being his first holiday is really hard. We should be sneaking him some turkey, and pumpkin pie in his mouth this year.

no catchy title 2day

Its been a rough week for me. I want to write, but honestly I have no words to express how I feel. I am getting good at "pretending" to be just fine and to keep those walls up. Then I walk into church or I come home and stop moving and I fall apart. I am learning to walk this path of grief and every day is a new day filled w/ different emotions & triggers.

Elijah turned 8 and I caught myself looking at his baby pictures and imaging that is exactly what Zeke looked like. David had his birthday and Zeke wasn't here w/ us. The nightmare is still going on, but we have moments where it seems like we are in such a fog that we feel normal for awhile and then all of a sudden we "wake up" and it all comes flooding back, & I ask myself all over again..... Did I really carry a child for 9 months? Was he really stillborn? Did I really have to sign a death certificate and sign it "mother"?

Grief is different for everyone and just because someone is grieving a different way or coping an odd way doesn't mean they are not suffering a great loss. We just want to be heard, we just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am so afraid he will be forgotten and I can't talk about him. I am so afraid that I have to push this sadness under the rug because my "time limit" of being sad has expired.

The Reason for the World

Zeke's Room

I debated for many months on whether or not to decorate a nursery for Zeke. We finally decided that by us decorating a nursery it was an act of faith that God could/would heal our sweet boy. We collected the crib, bassinet, swings, stroller and the car seat. We went back and forth on what bedding we liked the best and what colors we should use. The room was finished by the end of March and it looked beautiful. Everything was in its place all we were missing was the glider and our beautiful baby.

Many people questioned us on why we decorated a nursery, but what they didn't realize was it was already his room from the moment we moved to Texas. The boys picked out Zeke's room (well only by process of elimination & they chose the bigger one) lol. It had always been Zeke's room long before the crib, and the decorations went up.

Today it is still Zeke's room. I have gone back and forth about turning it into an office or separating the boys so they both have their own room, but every time I open that door, I can't do it. It is all pretty much the same minus a few things thrown in there when company showed up. ;) His clothes our still untouched in the dresser, his books are stacked up on the shelf and the toys are still sitting there waiting to be played with. The only thing that is different is him. Instead of seeing a sweet smile coming from his crib, I see his ashes sitting on his changing table.

It will be 5 months on Monday and we have all pretty much steered clear of the room and kept the door shut, until today. I walked by and I saw my boys making his bed, and putting his hospital clothes back in his dresser. They had the swing up and were putting up notes and pictures they had made him. They had a stuffed animal in his blue bumbo and Malachi had Zeke's blanket in the swing and was pushing it softly. They were pretending that he was here. It broke my heart to watch my 2 boys miss their little brother so much. They got embarrassed and then scared when they saw me, thinking I would get mad for touching his things, but I just smiled and told them it was okay, I quickly grabbed his ashes (I'm not ready to go there yet) & went to my room so they could go back to playing.

The pain is still there and I wonder how I will ever go more than a few days with out completely crying my eyes out. It still hurts so bad sometimes I can barely catch my breath, but I can say we are doing better. We are functioning like a regular family and we are adjusting. Staying busy has been key for me. The holidays are going to be hard for us all. Some days it still seems like a bad dream that doesn't end and other days it feels like we are a perfectly happy family of 4, then I feel like I got kicked in the stomach and I remember apart of us is gone and it will never be the same.

brokenness

i believe in my heart that God is a big God. in my head i don't understand how i can still love God and worship w/ my whole heart when i am sooo broken. in my head it doesn't make sense how i can love him, but that is just it he is full of unconditional love that overwhelms you, you can't help but return it. I was listening to worship music tonight and i told him, i don't understand, i don't think its fair, & i don't know how the pain and brokeness will every go away, but i have to believe even today when i don't want to that you God are bigger than any trial, and long stormy winter I have to go through. i may feel totally alone some days and just bursting with so many unanswered questions that nothing makes sense to me nothing! So I keep moving forward and trusting that you know the end of this. You know when I will start to see the spring after such a long winter and your not afraid, scared or even offended by my doubt. What I would give to just erase the last 9 months. What I would give to see a completely healthy baby on that ultrasound. The anger and the questions are still there. The questions will never be answered I know that but the acceptance is just to hard to grasp for me right now. So tonight honestly i am beyond broken and angry that my son is dead. I don't want to try and understand that it was for the best, or God had a bigger plan. Tonight my arms are empty and his nursery is quiet and it shouldn't be that way, but yet I still believe and I am choosing to still believe in a God that for whatever reason did not see fit for my baby to be healed.

busy is best for me

Some days you just wake up and everything that could go wrong goes completely wrong. Today I had one of those days. I wanted to start over only 5 min after I had gotten up. When you are at your calm, happy, "normal" self burnt coffee, spilled coffee, forgotten lunches, almost missed bus, lost homework, phone battery going dead, no parking spot at work, lost keys, and a misplaced shoe & a messed up DVR would just frustrate you, but when you are a grieving mom you feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. The anxiety comes over you and you can't even do the simplest thing like finding paper towels to clean up the spilled coffee or getting in the car to drop the lunches off @ school. These things are not that big of a deal but for me the last few months you would think I was trying to solve world peace.

At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.

The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!

I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.

this is not how it should be, but it is

well it has been awhile.......

I have been wanting to get on here, but honestly I just didn't know what to write. I am tired of always sounding "down" so I figured I would just stay off the blog for awhile but I missed it. I missed writing and pouring my feelings out it is just so much easier to work them out this way. So I am back and it is hard to be open now after he is gone, I feel much more vulnerable and honestly I just can't take any more criticism or "cliche's". I know I have to expect that when I get on here and pour my feelings out for everyone to read, but I can't hide how I feel.

I feel like now that it has been 4 months I have to be brave, tough and get through this, move on. That is how the world makes you feel. I am a grieving mommy, yes he never lived on this earth, but he lived. He lived in my heart, in my belly for 9 months. He is my baby and I am tired of the "world" saying his isn't, & that " well it is for the best, & God must of needed him in heaven more, God knew what he was doing. WHATEVER!!! FYI don't tell anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one any of that. It is the biggest line of crap (yes i just sayed crap lol) I have heard. God didn't do this to Zeke and God didn't do this to me. I know people mean well, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just give us a hug, don't say anything just hug us and let us cry on your shoulder. God cried over the loss of Zeke and it breaks his heart to see his family miss him so desperately. I know my God is bigger than this, I know he is. Do I feel it some day's? NO. Does it make it any easier? NO. Do I get angry? YOU BET I DO. But if I want to see Zeke again, I have to believe, I can't turn away from my faith I have to believe God has a plan for all of this and as much as it hurts I have to keep going on & trust him. I have to choose that even though God gives away and he takes away his is still faithful and he sees the bigger picture.

He was my baby. He was apart of me & my heart loved him just as much as I love Elijah and Malachi. Just because he did not take a breathe on this earth doesn't make him any more real to me. I had to sign a death certificate, I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for him. His monogram ed clothes, & all his "stuff" is still in his nursery. Sometimes I walk by his room and I just stand in the door way and imagine him sleeping in his crib or pretend that David is changing his diaper on the changing table, & then I see the box from the hospital and all the grieving pamphlets and his footprints, & then I see him. What I have left of him & it all comes back & I realize that my nightmare is true.

I remember laying in bed the morning I delivered Zeke. David held me in his arms and we just cried and I told him I can't do this, I can't do this, please don't make me do this. I can't walk in that hospital and deliver our dead baby! I then yelled @ God asking him why I have to do this..... I remember David got up and got ready and as I watched him I kept thinking I needed to get up but I could not move, I physically I felt completely numb. Once he helped me out of bed I remember thinking that this will be the worst day of your life & just like yesterday ended, so will today. I just started saying the name JESUS over & over under my breathe & I felt like I watched myself go through the next 2 days.

4 months later & I feel like it was 2 days ago. I can tell when I try to push it out of my mind and get busy w/ the boys, work and just life, that I am trying to ignore the pain praying it will one day leave. It doesn't it just lays dormant until something triggers a memory. I started to feel guilty because I hadn't cried for him in almost a week. Then out of the blue something triggered the pain, the memories and all the heartache, last night that happened to me. We were sitting at a meeting for the boys when they had a family come up their 3 month old baby was in ICU and had been for almost 3 weeks, It took everything in me to not get up and walk out. I probably would have if there were more people. I cried myself to sleep last night holding onto his blanket that we wrapped him in & all day today has been a constant battle to not break down in tears.

Death sucks! Grief sucks! There is no magic potion or formula to follow. We all go through it differently and we all have "our moments". I think what shocks me more than anything is how suddenly the grief can come on you. I can be playing and goofing off w/ the boys and all of a sudden I just start crying, I hear a song on the radio or walk past his room & I just fall to the floor w/ grief and cry that deep uncontrollable cry. The next day I can walk by his room & smile thinking about what a wonderful time he is having in heaven.

I feel like I was all over the place w/ this blog, I guess that is what happens when you have a month of emotions all jumbled up and I feel like I rambled and didn't make any sense, but oh well I feel better and right now that is what I needed. I needed to put my words out there and work through this.

Joy of the Lord

I am going to try and make a point to get on here when I have my good days. I don't know why it is but for some reason I seem to only write when I am having a rough day. I want you all to know that I do have good days in between my rough days. I really have just been dealing w/ a broken heart. Some days I laugh, some days I am angry and other days I am really sad. I feel like I am one the longest roller coaster every made.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I am brokenhearted. I lost my baby boy and I really do not know how to get through it, except that I keep waking up every morning and I keep praying every day to ask God to hold me up.

John 14:27 Peace I leave you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, do I give to you.
I am walking in his peace. His peace is the only thing that is getting me through this. I may have alot of questions about what happened with Zeke and I may not understand why he had to die, but I still have peace. I can't explain it but I can be full of questions and yet still have the peace of God.

My boys are the best medicine! They are putting smiles on my face and constantly doing something to make me laugh. They can pull me out of any funk that I may be in, in a matter of min. Malachi is our comedian! He is always saying something silly, burping & saying that is a sign my tank is full! Even when Malachi asked me if he could have my iphone when I died, that cracked me up. They are constantly giving me hugs and kisses and just being silly. They remind me that even though Zeke died, he still is apart of our family. They like to talk about him and what he is doing in heaven w/ pawpaw. They wonder if Pop is teaching him baseball and pushing him around in a golden stroller. Since I have told him he is in heaven watching over us like Angels they now think they have a brother w/ wings like a superhero ...... "No one in our class has a superhero as a brother mom that is AWESOME!!" We went to Ikea to walk around and look at some new bedroom furniture for the boys and I am not joking when I say this.... Malachi opened up every fridge, hoping to find food and layed on almost every bed and pretended to snore and then bam he was up and on to the next bed. All while asking me to take pictures of him being silly. Elijah was visiting my parents last month and they had hotdogs one day, my mom asked him why he wasn't eating it yet and he replied, "I gotta wait until my crack cools down!" Even if you are crying and really having a bad day it is those silly statements from my boys that are getting me through our darkest moment.

So I do get mad, and I do get very sad but 10 minutes later my boys will say something that makes me laugh so hard I could pee my pants and that is why I am so thankful to have the joy of the Lord all over my house. I am so glad that I have my boys and my husband to keep me laughing even when somedays all I want to do is cry.

Here is a few pictures of my crazy boys!

Trust....

It is supposed to get easier as the days go by. I thought I was actually doing very good considering all that has happened and then my faith got tested. It is easy for us to believe in God but to trust him.....that is a whole different level of a relationship. I believe God loves me w/ all his heart and I believe he knows what is best for me and my family. I truly do, but trusting him has been so hard! I went down to Church of his Presence in Daphne Alabama Thursday night. I wanted to be in his presence and see him move mightily. What I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to watch other people be healed and get their miracle. I just sat there and cried because my heart hurt so badly. I prayed and I know so many other's prayed as well and I just felt robbed sitting there hearing all the testimony's. I wasn't angry, I was just sad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I am clinging on to the rock. I have built my life and my relationship on the rock. I know in my heart of hearts that God loves me and wants the best for me, right now I just feel betrayed and everything I thought I wanted for my life is now a blur. I know it is apart of the grieving process and now we just have to sit back and reevaluate things, don't make any rash decisions. I have to do my best in trying to trust God even though I don't want to right now. So what is trust now that you have lost someone so precious? How do you rebound from that and not harbor jealousy or resentment for anyone who has what you wanted more than anything... a healthy baby

I do not feel depressed, I have been there and this is different. This is grief. I am grieving over the loss of my son. It comes in waves some days are better than others and some days are not so great. I know each day will get better and I know that I will learn to cope each day better than the day before. I think I am just blown away that even 2 months later how one day I can be totally fine ... almost normal and then the next day I am a complete wreck and can barely get dressed. I can see babies and smile, I can talk about Zeke and everything that happened and not shed a tear, but get me alone and look me straight in the eye and honestly ask me how I am & I will fall apart.

2 months old today

You would be 2 months old today.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out your heart stopped. Its been a long 2 months for me, but I can see today that I am healing and I don't cry every time I think about you, but I do still miss you so very much! I want to share a piece of you, I want to be proud of you and show picture's of you, but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel bad. I'm not embarrassed of you, I am not ashamed I promise. I love you so much, but the few pictures that I have are just to painful to look at. You are the sweetest little baby and you have impacted so many lives by your short time with us, I know they would love to see any picture, but I just can't do it. You have opened door's to share our faith with complete stranger's, your story was the reason a young mom did not have an abortion. People we didn't even know were praying for your healing. You taught your mommy and daddy what the true meaning of grace and mercy really was all about. We loved you so much and we will never be the same because of you.

Elijah and Malachi were so proud of you. They were constantly talking to you in my belly and telling you about their day at school and how one day they couldn't’t wait until you rode the school bus with them. They couldn’t wait to teach you how to play baseball and Malachi was so excited to give you his bike with training wheels on it so you could learn just like they did. Elijah gave you his special baby blanket that he slept with for 6 years. Malachi picked out a very special blue blanket that was just like the one he had. It was lined in silk with super soft fabric in the middle. We wrapped it in you right after you were born, you may not of noticed but you layed in the softest blanket for 8 hours. You blanket now lays under my pillow on my bed so I can touch it each night and feel like I am a little bit closer to you. The boys constantly drew you pictures and they couldn’t wait until you were born so there would be 4 boys in the house and only 1 girl. They couldn’t wait until you could sit in the backseat w/ them and watch star wars while we were going on a trip. Your daddy was constantly putting his hand on my belly and praying for you.

I wonder if you complete the same milestones in Heaven like you would here on Earth. Do you roll over @ 3 months, will you be a late crawler and walker like both your brother's were or do you walk right away? Can you talk or do you just cry and sing? I have been asking God to give me a dream and a vision of you to replace the one I have from the hospital and last night I am so thankful. I got that dream! I saw you in heaven Zeke you look just like your Daddy and brother Elijah with the cute little "gordon" chin and those sweet eye's. You had hair like Mommy and Malachi, blonde and curly. You had gained weight and you had such sweet cheeks. You were very tall like Malachi was when he was born.

You are with Jesus now. I would not ask you to trade that for anything Zeke. I know you are dancing and singing with Jesus and you couldn't be happier. I can't imagine the greeting you got as you walked through those pearly gates....To see your Papaw swallow you up with a wonderful hug and then to see your great grandparents and your uncle, it must of been a wonderful reunion! How is your sister? Did you know who she was instantly? Please tell her we love her and even though we may not of got to meet her like we did you, she is just as much apart of our family and I think of her constantly.

I had a dream last night. You were beautiful, you were healed and made whole. You did not look anything like your earthly body and for that I am so thankful that God gave me this dream. I saw you walking down the street w/ your sister and Papaw to meet the rest of your family. (The boys think you are rolling around in a golden stroller pushed by Papaw) You stopped to look back and then you smiled at Papaw and you told him "this is a wonderful place Pop!" He picked you up in his arms and spun you around and you both laughed. He asked you about all of us, how we were doing and you told him.... They miss us alot, but we will see them soon and then we can all be together. You stopped and played with your sister on the playground while all the grown ups stood around and worshiped. You told her about us, how Elijah has a stuffed horse named Fred and loves lego's. Malachi loves his blanket & cuddling with mommy to read books. They both played Star Wars all the time and they are really good @ baseball. The boys told me that since Papaw is up here he can teach us all the things he taught our daddy and our brothers and we will be just as good as they are. You talked about me and daddy and how much we loved you and prayed for you, how we never gave up hope even after you were born.

As much as my heart aches for you not being here, and even though I get really sad sometimes I know that you are were you are meant to be. You lived a very short life sweet boy, you impacted so many lives in the few months that very few people do in a lifetime. Enjoy heaven sweat heart, watch over your brothers for me please. I love you more than I ever could imagine and I am so thankful to be your mommy.

Baby Weight

Baby Weight!

We all hate baby weight. We all wish we could be skinny like the day's before we had our babies. I was looking at my wedding picture's the other day and I was shocked @ how skinny I was and just laughed when I thought of how I thought I was fat back then! LOL If you pinched me you wouldn't of pulled skin off of me, yet I thought I needed to loose some pounds. Here I am almost 9 years later and yes I am about to tell you ......... 60 pounds heavier not to mention my boobs will never be the same after breastfeeding my boys.

Now when I was pregnant with Elijah I gained a jaw dropping 68 pounds, I did work my butt off afterwards and got back to pre pregnancy weight fairly easy. It was MALACHI it was all his fault lol ...... I have never been able to loose all of his and then one thing lead to another and instead of loosing the weight I went and bought bigger clothes. =) I didn't think I had gained very much weight with Zeke only 18 pounds, granted it was added to the 20 I hadn't lost since Malachi (ya'll better not be getting a calculator out & posting my weight anywhere) which yes he was extremely tiny and for being 38 weeks pregnant I felt good about my weight gain.

But see now Zeke is gone and the weight is still here. I don't have a beautiful baby to put in a sling to cover up my midsection or explain for the huge, aching boobs. I can't walk into Walmart still wearing maternity clothes when I don't have a newborn or a protruding belly. When I try on my clothes in the morning I get so frustrated because still after 8 weeks NOTHING & I mean NOTHING fits me. I don't have Zeke's precious smile looking at me from a bouncy seat while I get ready in the morning & remind me that it is all worth it. I would gain another 100lbs if it meant getting him heavier and healthier to have more of a fighting chance to stay with us for just a little bit longer, but I can't.

So I hit the pavement Thursday. I started running again. I am running my anger & my frustration out and it feels great! I am tired of looking and feeling like I just gave birth. I don't ever want to nor will I ever forget him, but I need to get past the anger of him not being here. A lot of the anger has come from when I am trying to get dressed and I have to resort back to maternity clothes because these darn hips just haven't budged! You know what I am talking about ladies we all have it, the different wardrobes in our closet. We have the college clothes, pre baby clothes, the maternity clothes, the post partum clothes, the comfy clothes that only say S, M, or LG and then we have the "now" clothes.

I guess I say all that for this. Here I was embarrassed because I still have alllll the baby weight and I still can't get into my NOW clothes. I am 8 weeks post partum w/ no baby and I was so mad at myself for not getting it together & getting rid of the 1 thing I could control, my weight! You may not see your baby weight this way but it is a badge of honor, but that is how I have had to look at mine the last few days. It is something to be proud of. I know it may sound weird and no it's not something I want to hold onto forever, but I finally understand why I have held on and not started working out until now. I feel like I still have apart of him, apart of this season, this baby weight is Zeke it is all Zeke and I may not have him here w/ me like other mom's have their babies. Thanks to Zeke I have these thighs and I have the belly, and yes the butt. ;) I had to see myself not as someone who just ate to many chocolate chip cookies, but as someone who carried the most amazing little boy .... while eating some cookies. HaHaHa.

So be proud of yourself don't look at your baby weight as this awful curse or disease that you have to get rid of immediately. I'm not saying enjoy it, but don't hate yourself because not all of us are blessed to walk out of the hospital in our pre baby jeans. I know it may sound silly that I see this extra weight as a piece of Zeke, but I don't care. With him being gone I have had to find him in the little things, the silly things like my weight, and in the big things.

It doesn't make sense

Today I am scared and tired.

Scared I will never get past the loss of Zeke. Not that I want to forget him, but I am scared my heart and my body will physically ache for him forever. It is tiring, draining. and exhausting. The bummer of it is.... I can't seem to sleep at all! I am so tired but can't sleep.

I have a lot on my mind, but don't really know how to put it in words, surprising huh. LOL I just keep thinking about him and the longer it goes by the worse the pain is. Some days are harder than other's, someday's I laugh a lot and other days I just feel blah. I have learned that happiness is not living with out pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

I heard this on a show the other day and thanks to the DVR I was able to put it in slow motion so I could write it down..

"There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness but of power, they are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. " Washington Irving.

I loved my baby so much and my tears have now turned to prayers to God. I can not do this alone and am so thankful that God is not expecting me to act a certain way or do a certain thing. He just wants me to come to him. I don't have to quote scripture or say all these amazing prayers. He is just as happy w/ my tears as my words. He would rather walk in with me in the dark and me just cry, then me walk away from him at night.

I have been watching a lot of baby shows. You might think that I am crazy and how can I do that after loosing Zeke. But in away some days it helps. It helps me keep his memory alive and see that not all babies are sick and if they are sick, they don't always die some prayers are answered. I know that sounds weird, maybe it makes it worse, I don't know some days it is to hard to see a baby. Other days it is so comforting to see that baby's are born healthy and come home w/ their mommy's. It all made sense until I wrote it down, now I think I am just going crazy ....

Heaven's Child

A Sweet lady shared this with me after she lost her 2 boys. I am so thankful she has shared this with me and allowed me to share it w/ you.

C

Heaven's Child

I bearly knew of your exsistance
Hidden away in a secret place
Yet thoughts of you already stirring
To hold your hands, to see your face

Then one confusing, painful night
Your beautiful life was swept away
My body left aching and empty
My heart too overwhelmed even to pray

So I went on with my life and tucked you away
What had happened not even sure I could believe
With busyness and other children as distractions
I never allowed myself to grieve

Till the words of another hurting mother
Brought thoughts of you floodiing back to me
I realized I had to accept your loss
So I could heal and joy in your memory

Now I honor and celebrate your life
Though for now we must be apart
I cannot hold you in my arms
But I always hold you in my heart

The distance between us seems endless
Though it's only a little while
Till I wil see my precious gift from God
But now, you're Heaven's Childhild

Jesus Wept

I am awake! Every night this week I have been awake well past 2am. At first I didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares I would have about the day of delivery. Now I don't want to sleep because of the dreams I have of Zeke. My dreams are so sweet and perfect I don't want to wake up, but when I do wake up the realization of it being a dream is SOO hard and I am reminded of my nightmare. The tears and the sadness are just awful. Its like in the beginning when I first found out about Zeke's diagnosis, I would dream of him being happy and healthy and then I would wake up and remember how sick he truly was.

Jesus Wept. So many people think we have to be happy, always be positive and never be angry or sad. Why is that? Who told us that? Jesus wept, he cried. He got angry and he got sad. So why do we think that we can't have those emotions to? Why do we think we can hide our feelings from God? ahh duh he already knows what were thinking, and how were feeling. Just because we do not come out and speak it verbally doesn't mean we can keep it from God. So why are so many of us ashamed to weep, yell, be angry? There is nothing wrong w/ working through our emotions as long as we do it in a healthy way. Why do so many people keep them bottled up and hidden? Why has our society made us feel like we can't be honest with our self and with others about how we truly feel?

Grief is an ongoing process. There isn't an end date or a magical day you just wake up and poof you feel better and are not sad anymore. You have good days and you have bad days. You have good mornings and you have bad nights. Its never the same. It seems the longer it has been the more real it is and that is what is hard for me. The shock has wore off and the realization that he truly is gone has hit me. I will be okay and I truly believe that. I have sad days and I have sleepless nights but I am not alone. God is with me when I cry and when I punch the pillows in anger. He is still here when I yell at him for not saving my baby. He is here with me no matter where my emotions are, no matter how I feel he hasn't left and that is SO comforting. That is what is getting me through this. I do not know how anyone can get through grief with out a relationship with God.

what would you be thankful for?

I am thankful for my waterproof mascara

I am thankful for my big sunglass's

I am thankful for the big box of tissue's my parents got for me at Sam's

I am thankful for Tylenol PM

I am thankful for a pretty blue blanket that held my son a few hours, that now lays on my pillow

I am thankful for his footprints the only proof of him I can look at.

I am thankful for the belly picture's I took

I am thankful for for the comfort my husband brings me just by sitting next to me.

I am thankful for REAL coffee now

I am thankful for his heartbeat recording

I am thankful for my son, even though the pain that has come with him leaving is the hardest road I have traveled.

I am thankful for learning what pure love was all about

I am thankful for the strength of my boys to get me through this

I am thankful for the sun rising every morning and the moon setting each evening

I miss my belly

I miss his sweet soft kicks

I miss feeling him swim around

I miss laying on my left side and us having our "dates"

I miss the hope of what might be

I miss dreaming of his healing

I miss seeing the boys talk to my belly and show Zeke their toys

I miss David talking and praying over Zeke

I miss the cravings like fried pickles, green olives, rootbeer, and donuts

I miss eating anything I wanted with no guilt

I miss my son

he should be here

He should be here. He should be sleeping in his daddy's arms & going to the store and run errands with his mommy during the day.He should be playing on the floor w/ his toys or watching veggie tales on TV. I should be exhausted from nursing & late night feedings. My mom & dad came over the 4 th of July & I kept thinking about how he should be here w/ us. The tickle monster (grandpa) should of been playing with 3 boys not 2! Why isn't Zeke here w/ us? Oh my gosh this is truly not just a nightmare but my life! Yes some days I'm still in serious denial & some days are better than others. But It still feels like a nightmare.

Elijah & Malachi are gone visiting their grandparents in Florida & Georgia, Davids working & its just me @ home. It shouldn't be! I should be savoring all the sweet moments with just Zeke while his brothers are gone for a few weeks. We should be vegging out on the couch watching TV in between feedings and naps. I should be rocking him to sleep at night instead of staying up crying and staring at his footprints. Every day that goes by the worse it is. The more real it is, but yet it is so awful it can't be real! I don't think about the day or I wont be able to get out of bed.

I want another baby so bad, not to replace Zeke @ all, but then I don't want to rush into anything either. There are things I want to do before we try for another baby. I really thought his whole situation would scare me and David to not want to have anymore kids, instead it has done the opposite. The jealousy is getting very strong except its nothing minor like wanting to get the same cute jacket like my friend has. Its a baby, like that is gonna make all my pain go away.... I'm not that naive I know it wont help ! I just want to fix this, I want to make it all better. The loneliness is hard, even when I am surrounded by my family like the 4th of July. I still felt so empty and lonely it was so hard to smile.

Matthew West - Save A Place For Me (Slideshow With Lyrics)

A month later

I didn't think I could cry anymore until last night. I was getting ready to go to bed and I turned off all the lights and then I just fell to my knees and cried it came out of nowhere. I had just watched a cute movie w/ the boys and put them to bed. It wasn't a silent cry but a scream. I just lay ed on the floor of my living room and I screamed and cried like I did right after I delivered him. I could barely catch my breath and actually scared myself a few times because I had gotten so worked up I could barely breathe. I started punching the pillows and yelling out to God "WHY, WHY MY BABY!

I know I will never know the answer to those ?'s but I can't stop thinking about it. I know God has a plan and I know he hates to see me hurting, but at the same time he could of stepped in and prevented it. I just want to see a glimpse of his plans for us, just a glimpse.

The pain is getting worse and the anger is mounting. I feel like I have lost my arm and there is truely something missing, I can't ever seem to find what I am looking for and then I remember Zeke is gone, I didn't forget him he is in heaven. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I am in the club. The grieving mommy club. Zeke really died it's not just a nightmare it is my life.

I have wondered more now than ever what heaven is really like. What is he doing up there in heaven? Does he know I am his mommy and I love him or does he only know God's love? Do they sing him lullabies and play this little piggy with his toes? Does he have a special blanky? Who is carrying him around the mansions? Is he playing baseball with Charles and learning the bug song from my Grandpa? Did he find his little brother or sister from the year before? Are the inseparable like Elijah and Malachi are? I just want to see him one more time and make sure he is okay and happy. I want to take in a deep breath and smell his sweet baby smell and have his fingers curl around my finger. I would give anything to up all night due to feedings and collic instead of nightmares and tears. I want him to curl up on my chest and listen to my heartbeat.

Oh Zeke my sweet boy. My heart truely ache's for you and I miss you more than I could ever had imagined. Save me a place in Heaven right next to you and our other baby. You will always be my third little boy. I will always remember you and include you in our family, I don't care what people might say. Watch over Elijah and Malachi for me, I am super paranoid something will happen to them now. Your Daddy loves you and misses you to. Give Pawpaw a hug and kiss from all of us and tell him we will be okay. Have fun playing Jesus and we will see you soon.

My body....

It has been almost a month to the day since I delivered Zeke. I am doing as well as you can expect emotionally. I still cry everyday for him and I have been trying to keep worship music going and I know each day will get a little bit better. Because we don't have physical pictures of him I am so afraid he will be forgotten. What has been my biggest challenge the last few days is my body, I am still dealing with all the things that come from giving birth. It is so amazing to me on how much breastfeeding really helps our bodies go back to normal. It never seemed to be such a big deal, dealing with all the postpartum junk because you are so focused on taking care of your new baby, you are so in love with this little person. You don't have time to think of yourself and everything that hurts. I only gained about 18 pounds w/ Zeke. I lossed a majority of the weight with in the first few weeks of having the boys, but this time it has clung on for dear life!

I just feel like its never ending. I have to deal w/ the death of my child and I can't even try and move through this or learn to live w/ him gone, because I am constantly reminded physically that yes I did have him and the worst part is being reminded constatnly every day that he is gone. I know this has a big part in why I don't want the leave the house. I don't have any clothes that fit me. I still look pregnant and when you go out in public in maternity clothes you stand the risk of someone asking you how far along you are (cause we are all soo nosy!) LOL!! That.. I could not handle! I have worn my sunglasses inside the stores alot more lately because I don't want to make eye contact w/ people. I can't wear normal pants yet and my boobs are to big for my normal shirts. Its awful I still feel like I got ran over by a truck! Still after 4 weeksI feel just awful! So I am stuck in "comfy jammie" like clothes and I am just hanging around the house trying to get through each day as it comes. Not to mention how I feel hormonally!

Some people think I might need help to get over these humps and maybe I do if I am still acting like this in a year but what I keep telling myself is its only been a month. By no means am I putting down anyone who has had to take medication to help them, I have taken the medication and I don't think anything is wrong with doing so. I just know for me... right now its not the best thing for, I feel I would get worse. I do not feel depressed, I am just a mother grieving for her son she did not bring home. I feel lost, I feel like something is missing. I am constantly looking for my phone, keys, chapstick and when I find them in my purse I'm still looking and then I realize I am looking for Zeke. I miss Zeke, I feel like I have left him somewhere and I need to go find him. I honestly feel like I am missing a part of my body. I look in the backseat and I only see the 2 boys and I look down at my belly and I am reminded that it will stay 2 boys in the backseat. I know it will get easier but right now I just feel like everything especially my own body is a constant reminder that my child died.

I'll Just Worship - Live at Free Chapel

This is EXACTLY how I feel right now and the only thing I can do is worship.

Due Date

The day has come

Today is the anticipated day for anyone who is going to have a baby.Today was not an anticipated day for me.I should be getting ready for one of the best days of my life, meeting my 3rd little boy. Holding him and counting his fingers and toes and showering him with kisses.Instead I am sitting in the kitchen with my baby's ashes in our home. In a little blue box no bigger than a toddler shoe box with his name on it.

They have always said that no parent should every have to bury their child. That this is the worst thing dealing w/ the death of your child. You always think it will be someone else and you wonder how you would handle it if you were in their situation. I have said it before that I would not wish this on anyone, but I would gladly give this pain away to the first person who could take it. I am by far going through my darkest hour and just when you think you are coming up for air, you start sinking again. You can't function and the littlest problem or the smallest task feels like you are climbing Mount Everest.

Last night I couldn't help but dream of having a "healthy pregnancy" and bringing Zeke home like so many of you are doing right now. The jealousy is awful and the anger comes and goes & some times I can not believe that I can harbor so much anger. It is not directed at anyone or even at God, I am just furious that this happened and furious that the few things that I had hoped to get out of this awful nightmare, like a family picture or just a picture of Zeke by himself didn't even happen. I went for asking God to heal my baby down to asking for just a picture of him and not one of those prayers were answered. I have framed his footprints in a nice frame and I am going to take my kids to the park and have their picture taken w/ Zeke's footprints. I may not have his full body here, but I do have a part of him that can be visual in a picture of my 3 boys.

I can understand why people run from God, why people loose their relationship's and their marriage when they loose a child. I can remember hearing about a friend of mine that lost their baby shortly after birth a few years ago and telling a friend of mine, "Oh how I pray that never happens to us, my marriage would not survive the grief of burying my baby." The emotions are so strong and they can come on so suddenly you can't control them. You have to conciensly every few second's keep talking to God and David,I have to keep that life line open or it will shut and you will not have the energy to open it. But here I am 3 years later in the middle of my worst nightmare and my marriage is stronger than ever, and most importantly my relationship with God is stronger than ever. When all of this started to happen with Zeke someone told me you have to choose to live, you have to choose to not shut down & push everyone away. That is when I decided to start the blog, to keep me from shutting down and to make me keep the communication going w/ David and with God.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am mad and I am so confused.

I was talking to my mom about how I just wish I had a small glimpse of "why". As confused as I am, I still have to try and explain things to my boys and help them remember that even though Pawpaw and Zeke went to heaven way to early and even though we all prayed our guts out for them to be healed, it does not mean God did not hear our prayers. My mom told me to explain it to the boys as a book. When Pawpaw and Zeke died that was like a chapter or even a sentence in the whole book God has written for us. God can see the end of the book the very last sentence and in order for us to get to that point we have to go through chapter 3 and chapter 5. We can't read the last chapter of the book or even the last sentence before the other's because it wouldn't make sense. God has a plan and even though this part of the book we are in is really hard and it really hurts we have to keep reading because it will get better and before you know it we will be reading the last chapter and it will all make sense.

I have no answers and I want to give up at times, but I want Zeke to stay alive and I want his legacy to mean something. God brought him here for a purpose and chose us as his family for a reason. The enemy may have gotten Zeke, but he will not get my spirit and he will not get Zeke's legacy!

Doctor appt..

Real quick I just wanted to let everyone know that I got worked up over nothing last night. I went into the doctor's this morning only to find out 2 very upsetting things.

1. I had not lost any weight!

That totally ticked me off, but I guess when you consider I have drowned my sorrow's in everything chocolate for the last 3 weeks and have not been able to breastfeed I kinda should of expected it.. LOL Trust me when I say breastfeeding works ladies! I gained more weight with Elijah and Malachi and in 4 weeks after Malachi I was back in my regular shorts and/or pants. This time around my comfy shorts still don't fit me. So I was pretty bumbed that I hadn't even lost Zeke's birth weight which yes was only 2 lbs but hey you gotta start somewhere right?

2. His test results were not in yet!!

I stayed up all night slept in between nightmares all to be told this morning his cells are still growing in the lab and it could take another 3 weeks before we know his true disease! 3 weeks are you kidding me?? Then again why am I not surprised nothing and I mean nothing about this pregnancy has been easy. She checked my uterus and it is not shrinking like she was hoping, so I am still on restriction which means I could not go straight to the YMCA and run off all the fat and sadness I have gained in the last 3 weeks. hehe =) I have to lay around and take it easy, she thinks I am overdoing it, when I should be resting. She offered to give me anti-depressants which I passed on. I have been there and all they do is make you feel numb and prolong the pain that you will eventually feel anyways. She agreed and asked me how the boys were doing, how David was, she offered me some advice and then I got a lot of hugs and kind words from her and all my nurses as I was walking out.

I have to go back in 3 weeks for my exam and hopefully I will get Zeke's results in. There is always a chance that they will not grow properly and they will come back inconclusive, please join with us in praying that his cells and tissue samples grow and give us the proper diagnosis we so desperately need.

Anger

Tonight I am scared, and angry.

Scared
I have to go to the doctor in the morning and get the test results from Zeke's condition. We are almost positive that he had T18 what we don't know is if it was genetic or if it was just a fluke thing that happened to us. Our doctor has a good feeling it is not genetic because we have 2 healthy boys, but when Zeke was born the severity of his condition was alot worse than any of us expected. So my nerves are completly on edge and the aprehension of this doctor's appointment is about the same as the January 7th appointment when they did an ultrasound to see if he had any abnormalities to match the positive blood test for T18. If this comes back genetic are hope for ever having another baby is completly thrown out the window. We can not go through this again. I can not bury another baby. Not only will I have to grieve the loss of Zeke, but I will have to grieve the loss of the bigger family David and I dreamed of. Then again if his test comes back okay and we are given the go ahead I am scared. Not that we are going to get pregnant ANYTIME soon, but just the thought of it is scary considering what we just went thru. I say all that and then I remember what my grandma would always say.. "Don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there." How true is that statement. God is there, he knows the results, he knows how many kids I will have and how big our family will or will not be one day. He sees the big picture where as I only see tonight & what could happen tomorrow. I have trust him and trust that he knows best.......but that just goes into my next problem.

Anger!
How can you trust someone who you are angry with? How do you love someone who you are angry with? How can you believe he knows best when you are angry with him? You worship. You cry and you worship your way out of your hurt and your anger. I can't do anything else. I can't change what I went through. Some reason, some crazy reason God chose me to go through this. He chose me to be Zeke's mom knowing that his life would be very short. As angry as I am at the situation, especially the picture situation. I know in my heart it is not his fault that he didn't cause this but I am angry because he could of given me a picture. I accepted Zeke was sick and all I asked for was one minute to hold him, to meet him and then I found out he died before birth. I had accepted he died and I just prayed and asked God for a picture of the 5 of us. When Zeke was born we decided that it was better if the boys didn't see him, a stillbirth is alot different then a live birth for obvious reasons and it was best that boys did not see Zeke like that. So there went the family photo I dreamed of all these months. I then looked forward to having a picture w/ Zeke and his mommy and daddy. Well the photographer with Now I lay me Down to Sleep was held up for reasons I do not know and was unable to get to us until almost 8 hours after he was born. I asked Janice how he looked and I trusted her to tell me the truth and she told me that he had deteroated very fast and she just did not think I could handle seeing him like that and David and I agreed, so out went the photo of the 3 of us. A photo that's all I wanted and considering I had started praying for a healthy baby and then I went to praying for him to heal my sick baby all the way down the ladder like 10 times to just praying for a picture w/ my baby and his mom and dad. Yeah I am angry! I am angry because so many other's get their prayer's answered and I feel like I got none of mine. NONE! Yes if you look at the bigger picture okay I did get some answered. But right now in my pain and in my anger all I can see is what I didn't get. And what I didn't even get was a picture w/ me holding my baby, because he looked so bad. Really God couldn't even give me that? Was that to much to ask? Now your probably wondering well why didn't I just have someone take candid shots earlier on in the day... I did but she only took pictures of him by himself, because I was so traumatized and in shock of the whole labor and birthing experiance I couldn't be with Zeke, I couldn't handle having him in my room all day. Some of you may think that is wrong and that I am crazy for not holding him for as long as I could, but I don't care because in my heart I carried him. I carried him in my belly for 9 months and I truely felt that carrying him in my arms all afternoon would of only added to my trauma. No I am not going into details of the labor, not yet anyways but I will tell you it was awful, it was traumatic and I don't regret any decision I made that day. But that does not change the fact that I am sooo angry right now.

With that sayed, worship is a wonderful thing because it can pull you out of whatever you are going through and make you focus on what is really important. It brings perspective, and it brings peace. Peace that could not come from anyone else but God. So I have to step out on faith and trust him. I have to trust that God sees the bigger picture even when I can't. Even when I have nights like tonight when I am SO angry for not having a pretty picture of my baby.

grieving brothers....

One of my biggest fears when our journey with Zeke began was my 2 boys. I was worried about how Elijah and Malachi were going to be able to handle this. Alot of people told me that "kids are resilient" they will be sad, but they will also bounce back. I never thought that I could end the pregnancy with Zeke because of my strong faith in God and how pro life I was, but I was also a mommy to 2 little boys who I know where going to have to possibly grieve the loss of their baby brother. As a parent we will do whatever we can to keep our children from hurting. I know for myself "mother bear" can come out of nowhere and attack on a seconds notice! =) As much as I loved, and I yearned for my baby boy growing inside of me, I also loved and wanted to protect Elijah and Malachi from any pain and a part of me felt like it was my fault for continuing on in the pregnancy knowing the pain that we may experience this summer. The thought of having to watch my boys get so excited for their baby and then to have to shatter their world with the possibility of Zeke dying just killed me. Through out the whole pregnancy I felt like I was choosing Zeke's "possible" life over the emotional side of the boys. If that even makes any sense. There were many times when I would over hear the boys talking about playing with Zeke and changing his diapers and I would just ask myself "what are you doing? you are lying to your kids,they think he will come home healthy!" It would make me sick to my stomach and some nights I would pray God if this is gonna end up bad come June, just let us get it over with now. Please don't prolong the inevitable. I can not watch my little boys grieve over their baby!

We kept going on, one day after another and before you knew it, we were in May and all of us were SO optimistic that Zeke was going to be healed and was going to be a testimony. That morning they told us Zeke's heart had stopped of course I was upset, but I couldn't stop thinking about Elijah and Malachi. I had to get home to them, I had to tell them, I had to hold them and let them cry because it was all my fault! I knew in January how sick he was and I still let my boys dream of a healthy baby knowing he wasn't. I was so thankful they let me go home that morning and just wait for labor to happen on its on, I needed my boys!

It wasn't until about a week ago it actually hit them, that Zeke was gone. Yes they knew I didn't come home with a baby and yes they saw his footprints but it took awhile for it to sink in and when it did they are so scared to talk about it, cause they don't want to make us sad. They are upset they didn't get to see him and say goodbye to them like they did paw paw. They still grab my camera thinking i have put picture's of Zeke on there.

Malachi had a good break thru about a week after I came home from the hospital and he just cried on my shoulder for awhile, we both cried actually and then he started drawing pictures and leaving me notes like the one I found on my bed Tuesday after the funeral home had contacted us.He drew a picture of me crying and underneath it say ed.. "I am so sorry your sad mommy, but just remember you told me he is with Jesus." It melted my heart and was just what I needed at that moment. He keeps asking me over and over that he doesn't understand why God didn't answer our prayer to heal him and that is so hard to explain especially when I don't have a stinking clue myself. He asked what we all did wrong cause we had 2 babies die. He wants to know why his friends mommies can have healthy babies but his mommy can't. It is one thing to be there and comfort someone, but when you are going through your own grief it is SO hard to pick yourself up & be there for them let alone when it is your kids.

Elijah is acting out in anger. He is throwing things and yelling when I get on to him or ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He hates going to bed at night and immediatly wants to sleep w/ us everynight cause he say's he misses paw paw and Zeke. He never did any of this before. For you that know him, you know this is TOTALLY out of character! I am afraid he is blaming me for Zeke not living. He won't talk to me, or love on me unless David is around. It hurts so much, but at the same time I don't blame him he is only 7 and I had Zeke in my belly one day and then that night I came home and he was gone. I had the baby last May in my belly and by the evening I came home and he was also gone. I keep telling them we will have a baby and the last 2 times they have died. I know in my gut I could not of done anything to prevent this & to keep Zeke from having these birth deffects, or from having the miscariage but it doesn't make it any easier on a daily basis.

Our boys have had so much death around them the last 6 weeks, I am surprised they are handling it as good as they are I just wish as their mother I could help them more than I am. I am having a hard time leaving the house during the day, I pray that doesn't last or its gonna be a VERY long summer. I just don't want to be "fake" & have to smile at people or interact and hear "have a great day" when I am in the deepest part of the valley right now.

I know people have sayed it will get better and it will get easier. It just takes time, but it also has only been 2 1/2 weeks and only 3 days since we finalized his funeral arangments. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her, not that it compares to her pain in anyway, but no one expected her to have moved on and gone back to her normal activities 2 1/2 weeks after Charles died. I know it is not the same and every situation is different but to me this is my Hell. To me this is the darkest hour I have ever walked through. No mother should ever have to bury their baby even if he never lived outside her womb. Zeke was still baby and he was still apart of our family and always will be.

just a box.....

Just a quick note, to let you know we did survive last night at the funeral home. I didn't think I would considering what a rough afternoon I had physically not being able to stop throwing up, thanks to my nerves.

I don't remember the drive there it was almost like I was sitting in the backseat watching David drive and me sit in the front seat. I remember telling David, there was the funeral home on the right and then we parked. I followed David in, and I couldnt help but wonder what David was going to say on "Why" we were there. I kept my glasses on and looked at the ground while someone came up to us and David told him we were here to pick up our remains. Remains. All that is left of our little baby they have in a tiny box sitting on a shelf just waiting to be claimed. He ushered us into a private room, and went to go find out "about" us. He came back and asked who we had talked to because everyone was gone. We didn't know, are you kidding, so we described to him what he looked like when we were there the first time. The man told us that guy wasn't here and asked if we could come back tomorrow. I wanted to just scream NOOOOO!! Does he not understand were we are, did he forget were he worked? Does he realize we are here to pick up our babies remains? And he wants us to just come back tomorrow like we are picking up a new outfit or something? I looked up at him with tears in my eye's as David sayed "no we really need to get this done tonight, we can't come back". He ended up giving the guy a call and was given permission to realease Zeke to us.

And then he came back and he had something in his hands it was a little blue box that was wrapped in what lookes like a clear zip lock baggie. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. My baby was in that box! My baby, Oh my gosh this is really happening and then David pulled out the Death Certificate and just looked at me w/ his sweet comforting, I wish I could take the pain away kind of look & I broke down crying. It was awful and after he signed all the paperwork I just wanted to leave. But no we had to wait for a receipt. I told them we didn't need one, we just want to leave and lady sayed, "now you don't want me to loose my job do you? I have to get you a receipt." I just laughed like yeah lady that is my main concern right now is your job! LOL

I looked her in the eye's and she gave me that, I am so sorry and I don't know what to say look I have got a million times and then she left to get that darn receipt. We just sat there forever it seemed waiting for the piece of paper that would finally release us to go back home. As we were leaving she touched my arm and gave it a sweet squeeze and I thanked her,for what... I don't know I just knew it was the polite thing to do. Even though I wasn't thankful due to the situation. David carried him out in a bag we walked to the car and placed him in the backseat.

We got home and walked in the house and David looked at me and asked me where he should put him. I just started laughing, he smiled and laughed like ahhh this is SO AWKWARD. We decided to put him in his room and David sat the bag on the changing table. I couldn't stop laughing at the irony of the situation. I had tears in my eyes crying, but laughing at the same time. I can't explain it. We stood in there and talked a few min, I looked at his death certificate and that was that. What do you say after all that, we just looked at eachother & we decided we were hungry, so we ate.

This morning I just feel weird, empty, and sad. I went into his room this morning and looked around imagining him laying in his crib or playing in his jumperoo. Then I saw the "box" and as weird as I thought having him home like that would be, it is also very comforting to know he is with us. We are now starting to plan a small memorial service for him. We have no idea what we will do except realease balloons w/ message's on them. Other than that we have no idea. Suggestions are welcomed very much. We love you all and are so thankful for the prayers and support

what we say....

Have a great day!

How many times do we say that to people? We say that in passing at the grocery store, the bank, coffee shops. We say it on the telephone to an operator, to the mail man or your child's bus driver. We don't even think about it. It is just a habit and a form of saying goodbye to someone we know or we don't know.

You don't even think about what your are really saying until you are going though such a horrifing ordeal. I went and got a cup of coffee today and the lady in the drive thru smiled real big and told me "Have a great day!' My eye's welled up with tears and I just sighed and sayed "yeah you to."

Have a great day she says as I am about to go pick up my babies ashes at the funeral home. She didn't know, she didn't mean it to come across wrong, she was doing her job and being friendly which I do apreciate. It just happend to be on one of the worst day's I could go thru. So it made me wonder how many people do we say that to who put on a fake smile and say "yeah you to" It makes you think twice about what you say to people in passing, people that you know and those people you don't know.

the phone call

We have been waiting. Waiting for closure. Waiting for it all to be over. Waiting for the phone call. For the last week everytime I hear my phone ring I jump in fear that it is the funeral home calling us.

It started off like any other day. We couldn't go to the pool cause it was storming like crazy, so the boys and I were crawled up on the couch watching a movie. We were laughing and being silly and then David called me. As soon as I heard him say "hey" I knew something was wrong. It never dawned on me that we had gotten the call. He told me he had just got off the phone from the funeral home and that we needed to come by this evening. As much as you know the call is coming, as prepared as you can be for taking the next step when it actually comes it totally takes your breath away. As soon as I got off the phone with David, I ran back to our bathroom and I preceeded to throw up over and over and over again. I turned on the shower (to drown my noise from our boys) & I layed down on the cold floor of my bathroom and I screamed and then threw up some more and then I screamed again. The pain and the emptiness is gut wrenching. The fact that we have to actually take the next step in the death of our baby is unimaginable.

So as I sit here. I am waiting. Waiting for my husband so we can go down to the funeral home together to pick up our baby boy's ashes. To think that I will be bringing him home in a little box, instead of the infant seat in the backseat seems like the cruelest, horindus step I have to take as a mother. Our final resting spot will be in Georgia and we will scatter his ashes over David's dad's grave, but until we are able to get him there I keep wondering where do I put him? Do I put him in the back closet where it is dark and scary, do I put him on the fireplace for us all to see him, do I put him in the nursery next to his baby bed where he was supposed to sleep whole, healthy and happy. Do I put him on my nightstand where I have his footprints, and his blanket lays on my bed. There is no good place to put him!!

I am sitting in my dark living room w/ no sound but the sweet sounds of worship music and rain falling from the sky. I am reminded of the song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman about all the tears we cry. He asks God "do you cry a 1,000 tears for every tear I cry?" I can't tell you how many tears I have shed today alone and as I look outside I see all the rain drops and I know that God is grieving with me. Just when I think I can't cry one more tear, the flood gates open up my head aches from crying and screaming so much. I just want to sleep but I fear of the nightmares that will come with sleep overtakes me. I feel God's arms around me comforting me, trying to comfort me. I as much as I want to I can't be angry. I know God didn't do this, but I also know that he could stop it also. Everything was lined up perfectly for Zeke to be healed or come back the way Lazarus did. Why he didn't do that we will never know, but we have to believe there is a purpose and there is a plan for all this. Zeke had a purpose and as his parents we are determined to keep that alive. He will not die in vain, I just wish I could get a glimps of him playing w/ Jesus just a glimpse.

Tuesday's will never be the same for me for long time. I try not to read to much into things, but I can't ignore the fact that Tuesday's seem to play a role in Zeke. Those were the day's I had my big ultrasound appointments and we would learn more about Zeke. Tuesday is the last day I truely believe I felt him move inside my belly.

Tuesday the 25th of May Zeke William was delivered and we celebrated his earthly birthday admist tears and heartache knowing that he was already celebrating in heaven w/ his pawpaw, great grandma and great grandpa and his other sibling.

Tuesday the 8th of June Zeke William will be brought home where he will stay until we are able scatter his ashe's in Georgia at a private family memorial. No baby should have to come home this way. No parent should have to carry their son into the house this way. I want to smell the sweet baby smell and kiss his cute chubby cheek's not hold him in a box.

Just Breathe

If only it was that easy. .... Breathing.

We don't think about each breath we take, everytime we breathe we don't expect that to be our last. That is until we feel we can't breathe.

I have always known grief to be not only an emotional time, but I never realized it could be such a physical emotion as well. Yes we cry and we see those tears, but to actually feel like you can't breathe because you are so overwhelmed (not from crying or being hysterical) with the loss. Loosing Zeke has done that to me in a way I never imagined. It is soo physical it is scary. The only words I can muster out is "Jesus" and all I can think about is okay God I can not do this right now you HAVE to step in and help me breathe my next breath and please God just get me calmed back down.

I have never felt like I was going to hyperventilate until I lost Zeke. Crowds overwhelm me in a way they never did before. I can't handle contriversy or any form of decisions right now. The panic attaks come out of no where. Last night I was at Elijah's baseball party and the boys kept asking me for quarter's (which I totally forgot) the place started to get more crowded, before I knew it I was breathing faster and I grabbed our stuff and we all had to leave. Now once I got to car and it was just me and the boys, I calmed down the tear's started to flow but I could breathe. It is a very scary feeling and it is so hard to explain or understand. I am fine as long as David is with me, but he has worked so much this week I have had to take the boys to all their games, parties, end of school year activities and all I want to do is lock myself up in the house and never leave. And at the same time I don't want to be home by myself, if the boys are here I don't want to leave. Even now this evening the boys and David want to go out and do something, just walk around the mall or go for a drive, but I can't muster up enough nerve to leave the house. I had my outing's today w/ the baseball games and that was enough that was plenty for me and honestly I do not want to go anywhere tomorrow I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies, and stuff my face with chocolate, even tho I know I need to go to church, I just want to hide.

my sweet baby....

Oh how I miss you little boy! I feel so empty with out you in my belly. I feel so alone even though I have been surrounded by so much love and help from family and friends. At times I feel like I am suffocating. I knew I would miss you, I knew I would hurt, but I had know idea how much I would literally and physically ache for you sweet boy. I have been working on a letter for you for days and it just never seems to be the right words that I feel for you. My heart feels like it is in a million piece's, I just can't imgine that we have to continue on w/ out you, physically here to be apart of our family. I see other babies and I wonder what you are doing and I wonder if you miss us. I know the what if 's will make me go crazy, but right now I just can't help but wonder.....

The boys are doing very well processing the loss of there brother. Malachi asked me the other day.... "Mom why does everyone else have healthy babies and we had to watch our 2 babies go to heaven? When will we have our healthy baby mom?" You know it is so hard to grieve and get through this yourself , but having to watch your other children go through it is just awful. They talk about Zeke and Charles but watching them inneract w/ eachother and miss their brother and their PawPaw is heartbreaking. They don't understand why and we just don't have the answers for them, I wish I did! This was one of things I dreaded and constantly prayed for when I found out about Zeke's complications. I never imagined my kids would have to go through so much loss in such a short amount of time. They are definatly keeping me going and they are the reason I have got out of bed in the morning's. I thank God for them, they make me laugh, they make me concentrate my thoughts on something else instead of constantly thinking about what I have lost ...... our sweet baby Zeke. Holding them when they sleep has been alot of comfort for me, they are swallowing me with bear hugs and piggy back rides since my belly is not in the way anymore.

My family is definatly keeping me going and I thank God for that, I thank God for my healthy family here in front of me...... I can't focus on everything that went wrong the last few months, why God didn't heal Zeke, but I can focus on what went right . I am a better person because of Zeke, I am a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend because of Zeke! He changed me, he showed me true, pure love like I never knew imagined. I have made better choices because of him, I have learned how to love because of Zeke. Our plans and our agenda's are not always God's and even though it is so hard to remember that, when we are able to look at the big picture we can see some of God's plan and we experience his mercy.

grief

My heart is heavy. I feel like my whole world has fallen to pieces. I just can't imagine being truely happy on the inside again. Yes I smile and my kids make me laugh, but right now the only emotion that feels real is sorrow. For 5 min my world seems perfect, and then I remember what we are going through. You hear stories of when 1 spouse dies and not long after the widow dies as well, they say it was from a broken heart. I never understood that sadness until now. Don't worry I am not going anywhere and I am not by any means deppressed & going to end my life. I just understand why you feel you can't go on. The grief is heavy, emotionally tiring and still so hard to believe.

"I Tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy one day." John 16:20

I thought I was handling this whole thing fairly well, no crazy outburst's last week or no uncontrollable crying. Last week I felt numb and I felt relief that it was all over. I was almost happy to the point of laughing because our nightmare had finally ended. I felt guilty for not being more upset or not being secluded in my room. I was honestly fine last week, I felt free from all the decision making, the stress of being pregnant with a sick baby. Saturday it hit me. Saturday night I cried myself to sleep. Sunday night I couldn't even lay in my bed because it reminded me of the active moments Zeke had at night, so I slept on the couch. Monday night I tried to lay down and go to bed when everyone else did, but as soon as my head that pillow the tears just started to flow and I could not control myself so back to the couch I went.

Grief is a perplexed emotion. 1 minute you are fine laughing and cutting up w/ your family and then the next minute you are crying uncontrolably. You have so many emotions running through your body you laugh when you are supposed to be sincere, you cry when something is actually funny and you get upset over the stupidest things. Like right now my kids are running around the house saying....UM UM UM! What used to be very simple to me when they are acting like silly little boys (tuning them out) is taking everybit of self control I have left. All I want to do is tell them to be quiet and snap because it is completely driving me insane, when honestly they are just being silly and are actually playing very nicely with eachother, trust me it could be a whole lot worse. LOL I burned my poptart this morning and I just sat at the table and balled like a baby. I had a whole box of poptarts I could toast, but no I wanted that poptart and it was almost black! I have made coffee the last few morning's and completely forget about it until late that night.

I know things will get better and I will learn to have a "new normal" but right now it just doesn't even seem possible.

a week later.....

I have so much in my head that I want to get out, I don't know if any of it will make sense......

Normal, is that even possible after the last week we have had? What is normal anymore? Schedule's, routines, back to our everyday plans. Today that started. My parents went home today. David goes back to work on Tuesday and the boys finish their last week of school this week. Both the boys have 2 baseball game's and baseball parties to go to this week and I just want to crawl in bed and pull the cover's over my head and tell it all to stop!! I am not ready to go back to normal! My baby just died, I am not ready to ever go back to normal. I need my parents here, I need my husband here, I need a nice calm week of just being at the house. I can't go back to normal!!

As I lay here writing this blog it just amaises me how heavy the night makes it feel. How deep the grief runs when everything is quiet and still. It drives me crazy, its not like I don't think about him during the day. My heart doesn't ache for him anymore at 8pm than it does around lunch time. My body literally ache's for my baby! I still can't imaging that this is all true and this all happened. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people right? You are supposed to hear about these type of stories on TV, not have the story be about you!

Its been a week. A week since I went into the hospital to deliver Zeke. A week since we no longer could hold on to a sliver of hope that maybe just maybe God would still heal him and we would be greated with that beautiful sound a his newborn cry. A week ago I entered into the "unwanted club". A week ago I had to sign a death certificate instead of a birth certificate.

Speaking of the death certificate, I really want to make a suggestion to those people. Down on the bottom you have to sign your name. Beside your name you have to write down the relationship to the deceased. To me that was worse than anything else I had to sign that day. "MOTHER" I had to write the word mother of the deceased. It took me a min or so to be able to do it, it took my breathe away. I looked at the funeral director before I signed it, thinking are you absolutly positive he is gone? Then I thought why don't they have a checklist of relationships and just let you mark a box, why do they make you write out that name "mother"?

I pulled out his footprints last night and just looked at them, trying to imagine the feel of his skin against my hands. Wondering if I would of had to push his skin past his nailbeds like I did with his brother Malachi? I wondered if he would have crazy toes like his mom or really long toenails like his dad. His footprints may have been tiny.......but they made such an impression on our hearts. Zeke's life may have been short, but it was full of God's love for his family and everyone else who loved him and prayed for him. No little piggy songs to be sung w/ his little toes, no tickling of his feet to watch him squeal with delight. No first steps........

Nurse Janice had a great idea, she recommended putting his footprints in our bible. David and I have Zeke's footprints on the inside of our bible and it is the most precious keepsake I could of asked for. She also went above and beyond and found 2 little white new testamant bibles for each of the boys & put Zeke's footprints in those as well.

Ezekiel "Zeke" William
May 25th 2010 Born straight into Heaven
2 pounds 3 ounses and 15 1/2 inches long

If I go....

Came across this poem from a friends Facebook page. It seemed apropriate for Zeke.


And If I Go While You’re Still Here (by Emily Dickinson)

And if I go, while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
…I will be there.

no more date night's

The nights are the worst

The nights are when Zeke and I had our "mommy date's" That is when I would feel Zeke the most in my belly That was when we had "our special" time together I would have a drink of something sweet before bed and then I would go lay down on my left side and we would talk. I would rub my belly and he would grab my hand with each little kick he sent. I would tell him about our day together and the crazy things his big brothers had done. Last night I went to bed and I layed on my left side (1st time since being home) and i touched my belly just hoping he would talk back to me. I just want to go back and soak in that last night when we talked, when we communicated as only a mother and her child can. I wish I would of known, I wish I could remember. The tears that I believed I had all cried out, came back in such a flood I couldn't stop. David held on to me and we just cried for our little baby, cried because this is the path we didn't want. Cried because we knew his body was all alone @ that terriable funeral home; when really he should be laying in between us wrapped in his blue blanket w/ a pacifier (binky) in his mouth. The emptiness runs so deep inside me I can't even begin to describe it and yes I know he is in a better place, but right now as a grieving mommy I think my arms are the best place for him right now!

Since coming home I have been pretty numb. Not very emotional or teary eyed but just walking around in a complete fog trying to come to grips with my new life, as a mother of 3 and also as a mother who will bury her baby. The thought of where Zeke is just makes me want to hurl, he should not be in a little box, but in my arms! He should be home watching his brothers dance in front him and lay on his daddy's chest. We should be getting congratulation flower's and cards, not sympathy flowers and card's. (not that they were not apreciated they were very much) My milk is starting to come in and that is just making it worse knowing that Zeke really is not here w/ us.

I am recovering fairly well. My back really hurts still from the epidural, but other than that I am just really tired and hormonal. Pray for David as he not only has to deal w/ the post partum hormones but also the grieving parent hormones. My husband has been wonderful even though he is going through his own grief, he has been so strong for me and our boys, I am so thankful I could not get thru this with out him.

53....

53 hours.............

That is how long its been since Zeke entered into this world, even though he had already been dancing on the street's of gold with Jesus. Words can not express the pain, shock, numbness, emptyness and sadness that we are all experiencing right now. It comes in waves and it still feels like a terriable nightmare that is until we all look at my belly and see how empty it is now.

I am not ready to go into the details of what went down Tuesday morning when Zeke entered the world. It is to painful and to personal right now. You all are probably shocked that I just wrote that considering I have been sharing this whole experience w/ you and not hiding a single detail or feeling. I may feel different in a week or a month, maybe never I just know that today I can't do it. I will tell you that it was nothing like I expected or anything like we wanted. Our day nurse Janice was truely a gift from God and we are so thankful that through her kindness she was able to salvage some of our dreams from what took place that day. The birth and labor was over fairly quickly. I was able to recover in the labor room (thank you Janice) until I was released around 7pm. I was so thankful that my doctor and my nurse had the sensitivity to not transfer me to the hall way w/ all those happy mom's with their newborns and they sent me home as soon as possible.

We are doing okay. The boys are handling it fairly well , but totally different Elijah is being very quiet, Malachi wont stop talking but he has had some stomach issues. We are so thankful that my mom has been able to be here through the whole process to be with us at the hospital and to help us w/ the boys. I am pretty much useless, the hormones are TOTALLY out of wack and to top it off our car is giving us a major headache!!

We went to the funeral home yesterday afternoon no parent should ever have to do that. The smell just made me want to throw up and the silence of the place was just sickening. I was "okay" until we had to fill out his death certificate. Seeing the words Ezekiel William Gordon on that sheet of paper, well words just can't describe the deep pain I feel. I then got to the bottom and had to sign my name and then list the relationship to the deceased. That was the first and only time I had ever wanted to deny being a mother. A mother should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! A father should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! We walked out of there and made it to the car and it wouldn't start, how cruel is that? The one place you want to hury and get away from & we couldn't, we were just stuck in a hot car that would not start in the funeral home parking lot!

We have decided to have a private memorial for Zeke here in Houston and then when we are up to it we will take Zeke back to Georgia with a memorial there and then place him w/ David's dad who passed away only a few weeks before Zeke did.

Again I want to thank you for all your prayers and support through this journey. It is not over and every second that goes by is another wave of emotions that we all feel. His nursery is un touched and we plan to keep it that way for a very long time. We sent his blood off for testing and are anxious to get the results back so we can find out what was medically wrong with him. I will definatly still write about the grief that comes w/ loosing a child. The emptyness we have inside of us will never go away, but I know that with God's strength and grace we will learn how to live w/out our precious baby boy. It is going to take time and it is going to be a very long road, but I will continue to blog and share our journey with you all as we move into this next step of our life.

The one good thing that has happened is, because of Zeke and because of the sweet kindness Janice showed us I am applying for nursing school. I have always wanted to but always found an excuse on why I couldn't do it. I changed my major and graduated w/ a degree in Healthcare Managment thinking that was the best for me, but now after watching Janice I have felt that is what I need to do. I want to be able to minister to other women who are loosing a child or going through the heartache that I went through. I want Zeke to not only have an impact on my life and other's today, but I want him to have an impact for years to come. I want to be able to share my story w/ other mom's and hold them while they are going thru the worst day of their life. Just like Janice did for David and I.