Monday, May 31, 2010

a week later.....

I have so much in my head that I want to get out, I don't know if any of it will make sense......

Normal, is that even possible after the last week we have had? What is normal anymore? Schedule's, routines, back to our everyday plans. Today that started. My parents went home today. David goes back to work on Tuesday and the boys finish their last week of school this week. Both the boys have 2 baseball game's and baseball parties to go to this week and I just want to crawl in bed and pull the cover's over my head and tell it all to stop!! I am not ready to go back to normal! My baby just died, I am not ready to ever go back to normal. I need my parents here, I need my husband here, I need a nice calm week of just being at the house. I can't go back to normal!!

As I lay here writing this blog it just amaises me how heavy the night makes it feel. How deep the grief runs when everything is quiet and still. It drives me crazy, its not like I don't think about him during the day. My heart doesn't ache for him anymore at 8pm than it does around lunch time. My body literally ache's for my baby! I still can't imaging that this is all true and this all happened. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people right? You are supposed to hear about these type of stories on TV, not have the story be about you!

Its been a week. A week since I went into the hospital to deliver Zeke. A week since we no longer could hold on to a sliver of hope that maybe just maybe God would still heal him and we would be greated with that beautiful sound a his newborn cry. A week ago I entered into the "unwanted club". A week ago I had to sign a death certificate instead of a birth certificate.

Speaking of the death certificate, I really want to make a suggestion to those people. Down on the bottom you have to sign your name. Beside your name you have to write down the relationship to the deceased. To me that was worse than anything else I had to sign that day. "MOTHER" I had to write the word mother of the deceased. It took me a min or so to be able to do it, it took my breathe away. I looked at the funeral director before I signed it, thinking are you absolutly positive he is gone? Then I thought why don't they have a checklist of relationships and just let you mark a box, why do they make you write out that name "mother"?

I pulled out his footprints last night and just looked at them, trying to imagine the feel of his skin against my hands. Wondering if I would of had to push his skin past his nailbeds like I did with his brother Malachi? I wondered if he would have crazy toes like his mom or really long toenails like his dad. His footprints may have been tiny.......but they made such an impression on our hearts. Zeke's life may have been short, but it was full of God's love for his family and everyone else who loved him and prayed for him. No little piggy songs to be sung w/ his little toes, no tickling of his feet to watch him squeal with delight. No first steps........

Nurse Janice had a great idea, she recommended putting his footprints in our bible. David and I have Zeke's footprints on the inside of our bible and it is the most precious keepsake I could of asked for. She also went above and beyond and found 2 little white new testamant bibles for each of the boys & put Zeke's footprints in those as well.

Ezekiel "Zeke" William
May 25th 2010 Born straight into Heaven
2 pounds 3 ounses and 15 1/2 inches long

Saturday, May 29, 2010

If I go....

Came across this poem from a friends Facebook page. It seemed apropriate for Zeke.

And If I Go While You’re Still Here (by Emily Dickinson)

And if I go, while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
…I will be there.

Friday, May 28, 2010

no more date night's

The nights are the worst

The nights are when Zeke and I had our "mommy date's" That is when I would feel Zeke the most in my belly That was when we had "our special" time together I would have a drink of something sweet before bed and then I would go lay down on my left side and we would talk. I would rub my belly and he would grab my hand with each little kick he sent. I would tell him about our day together and the crazy things his big brothers had done. Last night I went to bed and I layed on my left side (1st time since being home) and i touched my belly just hoping he would talk back to me. I just want to go back and soak in that last night when we talked, when we communicated as only a mother and her child can. I wish I would of known, I wish I could remember. The tears that I believed I had all cried out, came back in such a flood I couldn't stop. David held on to me and we just cried for our little baby, cried because this is the path we didn't want. Cried because we knew his body was all alone @ that terriable funeral home; when really he should be laying in between us wrapped in his blue blanket w/ a pacifier (binky) in his mouth. The emptiness runs so deep inside me I can't even begin to describe it and yes I know he is in a better place, but right now as a grieving mommy I think my arms are the best place for him right now!

Since coming home I have been pretty numb. Not very emotional or teary eyed but just walking around in a complete fog trying to come to grips with my new life, as a mother of 3 and also as a mother who will bury her baby. The thought of where Zeke is just makes me want to hurl, he should not be in a little box, but in my arms! He should be home watching his brothers dance in front him and lay on his daddy's chest. We should be getting congratulation flower's and cards, not sympathy flowers and card's. (not that they were not apreciated they were very much) My milk is starting to come in and that is just making it worse knowing that Zeke really is not here w/ us.

I am recovering fairly well. My back really hurts still from the epidural, but other than that I am just really tired and hormonal. Pray for David as he not only has to deal w/ the post partum hormones but also the grieving parent hormones. My husband has been wonderful even though he is going through his own grief, he has been so strong for me and our boys, I am so thankful I could not get thru this with out him.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


53 hours.............

That is how long its been since Zeke entered into this world, even though he had already been dancing on the street's of gold with Jesus. Words can not express the pain, shock, numbness, emptyness and sadness that we are all experiencing right now. It comes in waves and it still feels like a terriable nightmare that is until we all look at my belly and see how empty it is now.

I am not ready to go into the details of what went down Tuesday morning when Zeke entered the world. It is to painful and to personal right now. You all are probably shocked that I just wrote that considering I have been sharing this whole experience w/ you and not hiding a single detail or feeling. I may feel different in a week or a month, maybe never I just know that today I can't do it. I will tell you that it was nothing like I expected or anything like we wanted. Our day nurse Janice was truely a gift from God and we are so thankful that through her kindness she was able to salvage some of our dreams from what took place that day. The birth and labor was over fairly quickly. I was able to recover in the labor room (thank you Janice) until I was released around 7pm. I was so thankful that my doctor and my nurse had the sensitivity to not transfer me to the hall way w/ all those happy mom's with their newborns and they sent me home as soon as possible.

We are doing okay. The boys are handling it fairly well , but totally different Elijah is being very quiet, Malachi wont stop talking but he has had some stomach issues. We are so thankful that my mom has been able to be here through the whole process to be with us at the hospital and to help us w/ the boys. I am pretty much useless, the hormones are TOTALLY out of wack and to top it off our car is giving us a major headache!!

We went to the funeral home yesterday afternoon no parent should ever have to do that. The smell just made me want to throw up and the silence of the place was just sickening. I was "okay" until we had to fill out his death certificate. Seeing the words Ezekiel William Gordon on that sheet of paper, well words just can't describe the deep pain I feel. I then got to the bottom and had to sign my name and then list the relationship to the deceased. That was the first and only time I had ever wanted to deny being a mother. A mother should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! A father should never have to sign a death certificate for their baby! We walked out of there and made it to the car and it wouldn't start, how cruel is that? The one place you want to hury and get away from & we couldn't, we were just stuck in a hot car that would not start in the funeral home parking lot!

We have decided to have a private memorial for Zeke here in Houston and then when we are up to it we will take Zeke back to Georgia with a memorial there and then place him w/ David's dad who passed away only a few weeks before Zeke did.

Again I want to thank you for all your prayers and support through this journey. It is not over and every second that goes by is another wave of emotions that we all feel. His nursery is un touched and we plan to keep it that way for a very long time. We sent his blood off for testing and are anxious to get the results back so we can find out what was medically wrong with him. I will definatly still write about the grief that comes w/ loosing a child. The emptyness we have inside of us will never go away, but I know that with God's strength and grace we will learn how to live w/out our precious baby boy. It is going to take time and it is going to be a very long road, but I will continue to blog and share our journey with you all as we move into this next step of our life.

The one good thing that has happened is, because of Zeke and because of the sweet kindness Janice showed us I am applying for nursing school. I have always wanted to but always found an excuse on why I couldn't do it. I changed my major and graduated w/ a degree in Healthcare Managment thinking that was the best for me, but now after watching Janice I have felt that is what I need to do. I want to be able to minister to other women who are loosing a child or going through the heartache that I went through. I want Zeke to not only have an impact on my life and other's today, but I want him to have an impact for years to come. I want to be able to share my story w/ other mom's and hold them while they are going thru the worst day of their life. Just like Janice did for David and I.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


This is Susan, Stefani's aunt. She asked if I could update that Zeke was delivered this morning around 11a.

Please continue to pray for them, pray that Stefani will have quick and painless recovery and that their home will be surrounded with God's peace.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers for the Gordon's during the past several months. As an Aunt it is hard to see them walking this journey but it has been amazing to see all of you support and encourage them.

To Zeke... We love you and you will forever been written on our hearts... your Great Aunt and Uncle Susan and DJ, and Ryleigh and Reagan.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The day before

Were do I begin?

May 25 2010 will be my little boy's birthday. It will be a day we will never forget. A day we will finally get to hold Zeke and kiss him and cuddle him in our arms. A day full of pain, tears, and love. A day no parent should every have to go through.

I can't express to you the way I feel right now. Numb maybe? Shock? Anxiety?I have not cried all day, I have laughed, but something inside me just feels gone. It doesn't seem real especially since I can still look down and see that he is still in my belly. Yesterday someone asked me when I was due, it was easier to just say the end of June. They then kept rambling on and on about how small my tummy was. If only they knew what was about to happen to me in the next few days. So it made me wonder..... how many other woman are like me walking around in a fog while they are out in the world doing there everyday errands?

I don't know exactly how i will feel tomorrow, but I can tell you that the thought of delivering my baby who is already in heaven just seems like the cruelest thing in the whole world, well next to feeling like his walking gravesite for the last 6 days. I am not angry with God. I am just sad, extremly sad to the point it just feels wrong to smile, even though i still do. I feel let down in a way. We had a healing conferance at our church this weekend, we went and I as soon as worship got going a lady walked in with a brand new baby boy and sat right in front of me. I started to hyperventilate and just about had to run out of the sanctuary. Last night the speaker was talking about healing the sick. People were getting words of knowledge and being healed for their sickness, I had to leave the sanctuary again. What seems so weird is I am truely happy for those who recieved healing. I am truely happy for the mother in front of me holding her brand new baby boy. I just don't understand why? Why didn't Zeke receive his eartly healing? It wasn't for a lack of prayer. This little boy has SO MANY people praying for him it was incredible. So my question is why do some people get healed and other's do not? Why did my grandpa have to loose his battle w/ cancer at such a young age? Why did David's dad have to leave us so early and why did my precious baby boy have to go straight into the arms of Jesus? I know I will never know the answer to these questions on this side of heaven, and I know it will drive me crazy if I dwell on them, but I can't help but wonder when is it our turn to see God's super natural healing? Why do we keep having to see pain, suffering and death? When do we get to see God's resurection and healing power?

It is the ordinary daily activities which seem so overwhelming like cooking dinner, getting a snacks or drinks for the boys or just getting up out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I started freaking out because I couldn't find "theeee" tshirt i wanted to wear. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I am sick to my stomach with the thougth of having to walk into that hospital tomorrow morning and walk out Wednessday morning w/ empty arms. I am worried about Elijah he is not talking to us about Zeke at all. My mom found him hiding in the nursery over the weekend. He is hurting and he is sad he will upset if he talks about Zeke, even though I have told him it is okay for us to talk about him. So please pray for my boys tomorrow as they hold their baby brother and tell him goodbye. I don't want them to be scared, but I also know the importance of them having closer. Malachi was so excited when he found out I was going to the hospital tomorrow to have Zeke. They just don't understand and it is soooo heartbreaking to watch them grieve.

I will try and get someone to post an update on when Zeke is out and in our arms. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to just flood that hospital room tomorrow with so much love and peace that what we think will be a day full of sorrow will actually be full of smiles and joy as we finally get to lay eyes on our precious Zeke William. I am praying that even the nurse's and the doctor's will feel God's presence in our room tomorrow.


Let me just start with saying David and I are so thankful for all the prayers and thoughts sent our way in this horrific time of loosing Zeke. Honestly when I made the comment about praying for us financially about how we will bury our son properly I never imagined my follower's would offer to help. I was just asking for prayer. I have been asked by a few people on how they could help us financially, so we can give our son a proper burial. We are looking into opening a bank savings account at a national branch for you to give to, but then you would need the account numbers. Someone mentioned a paypal account. That way all you need is my email address and you can donate money that way. If you don't have a paypal account I believe it is fairly easy at cost's nothing to open an account.

Again in no way are we asking any of our friends, family or blog followers for money. Please understand that! We are only giving this information out because we have been contacted by some of you who are wondering what they can do to help. David and I are very humbled and honored that all of you would be so kind to help us give Zeke a proper funeral that he so much deserves. Again we can not thank you enough for all your sweet generosity.
Email address:

Saturday, May 22, 2010

A Normal Day...

Today was just like any other Saturday. Full of baseball games, laughter, and a visit from Grandma & Grandpa. Yes I have grieved and I am still grieving the loss of my baby boy, but my kids need me. I can not just lay in my bed all day and stare at the wall.

The worse is yet to come, I still have to deliver Zeke. I still have to walk into that hospital and walk out with empty arms. So today we went to Target, the Hardware store and then Grandpa took us all for ice cream. Just when I would start to really laugh or have a big grin on my face it hit me, it is not a normal day. My baby is gone and there is nothing that can change that. I have layed in my bed and cried, I have layed on his nursery floor and cried, but then my boys come in and ask for a popsicle or help w/ the sprinkler and I realize I am still there mommy. I can not just lay around and grieve.

I have to learn how to function and be their mommy while I mourn the loss of their baby brother. So yes today we went to ball games and store's and we played outside, because that is what my boys needed they needed a normal day.

I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song)
By Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I love this song and have it playing constantly on my ipod I hope you the lyrics minister and touch you like they have me.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I just can't believe it

I don’t really know what to say except I know I need to write. It is how I have expressed my feelings and emotions the last 5 months. My head hurts from crying all day, I am worn out emotionally and physically. I feel like a complete zombie. We are just walking around in a fog basically. Waiting, it seems like that is all we have been doing is waiting for more test results, waiting for him to be born, waiting for a diagnosis, and now we are just waiting for me to go into labor. If my body doesn’t do it naturally by Monday then I will call my OB office and we will start the induction, which unfortunately they have warned me could take up to 48 hours to get me into active labor.

I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe he is still in my belly. I don’t understand and I know I never will understand the pain that we have to go thru. This has been the hardest few months of our lives and yet I still have to WAIT to give birth to him. I have to walk into that hospital room w/ that darn baby incubator next to my bed knowing my son will be born w/ out a heart beating and no need for it! I always knew this might be a possibility don’t get me wrong, but I really believed that I was going to get a few min w/ him alive before I had to say goodbye. Then David and I were talking. We didn’t want him to suffer; we didn’t want him to be in any pain and if it meant him going to heaven now instead of being born alive & having to fight in pain for the few min or hours he had that would be selfish of us as his parents to want that. So as my tears are covering this keyboard and I how I just want to punch something or someone, I have to believe that God did what was best and he knew how much Zeke could handle and how it might have been too hard for us to watch him suffer.

It is to fresh for me to explain what was happening today when we found out just know it was life shattering and terrible breath taking news. The worst is still to come and this next week will be hard, but I know that God is helping me breathe and just like he has before he will continue to carry me through this painful journey. I have to keep playing that song on my ipod “How he loves us” I don’t want to forget that even though I feel like my world is crashing down. God still loves me; he didn’t do this or cause this to happen to me. I do not want to run from him or isolate myself, but that is also what I have done in the past when it comes to grief. I have to keep telling myself over and over that I may not be able to “move on” but I will be able to “move through” this as long as I keep holding on to my best friend Jesus.

Please pray for us financially. We do not want to leave Zeke at the hospital, but honestly we just do not have the funds to have a proper funeral for him. I have heard that a few people will offer their services but that doesn’t mean it is all “free.” Money is going to be tight as I do not know when I will be able to function physically and emotionally as a wife and a mom, let alone go back to work. Pray that David can find a job with better hours we need him around especially more now. I know God will take care of us; He always has and he will turn it all around for his good. Our friends here at church have been amazing bringing dinner and offering any help that we might need. We feel so loved and blessed by them and so loved and blessed my all of you that are praying. Thank you so much and I will be blogging my feelings a lot thru this process and will let you all know when the next step is happening.


This was written Thursday afternoon, but I never got a chance to post it so I am doing so now even after the news we received today.

Oh No…..Contractions

You’re never ready. You may have everything planned and are excited to meet your new bundle of joy, or if you are like me you keep putting off packing “the bag” in hopes it will keep you pregnant a good while longer. I don’t want to face the reality of our situation. I’m not ready. The boys are still in school, we still have baseball going on, and my poor husband is having to work so many hours he is exhausted. We haven’t made a birth plan for Zeke and I’m just not ready! We all new this day was coming, but gosh did it have to happen so dang fast?

The contractions and “funny” feeling started yesterday morning. I didn’t really think much of it the rest of the day until last night and then it was like ahhh… DUH you were having contractions! I was wondering if they were the “real” ones or just Braxton hicks I can’t tell. I never really had contractions with Elijah and Malachi all I remember was the pain and my doctor telling me to see if I could hold out until my appt later that afternoon to be checked. I ended up being 4 cm by the time I got to his office. Not to mention that was 6 years ago.

Today I just feel achy. I am super paranoid over every little twinge I feel, my back hurts which makes me think that it is the real thing. I am not any bigger than a 28 week old pregnant woman, the only time I have had backache during this pregnancy is when I get up from laying down or in a sitting position. I also just feel blah like I am about to start my period and have those achy menstrual cramps. As much as I have tried to ignore the fact that something just feels weird hoping that would stop it, I can’t. I was crying this morning and I told Zeke please, please just hold out a couple more weeks you have made it this far, I just need a couple more weeks with you in my belly!!! Please Zeke; just give me a few more weeks!! Unfortunately I can’t just cross my legs to keep him inside me a little bit longer.

Last night after I told David I felt some contractions, I realized yeah can’t put “that bag” off any longer. So what has been taking me over a week or so to pack got packed in about 5 minutes. LOL I took a couple pair of comfy clothes, socks, chap stick, & a few things for Zeke. I remembered this morning about the teddy bear we got for Malachi that play’s the womb sound and I added that just in case he is away from us in the NICU for any amount of time. I keep praying for peace as deep as the ocean. My anxiety is out of control and I am just praying that I do not loose it when I get to the hospital.

We have told the boys a modified story of Zeke. Just that he is sick and will need a lot of prayer to get better. He may be in the hospital for a long time we just won’t really know until he is born. I didn’t want to tell them he may die, but I knew we had to tell them something since they are wondering why I am delivering at a different hospital now. Maybe we should of told them everything, I don’t know what the best thing is anymore. All I know is for now that is all we could muster up to tell them. It may change tomorrow, who knows.

So today “the bag” is packed, the kitchen is clean, and the rest of the house is picked up (minus the toy room which looks like a tornado went off in there) and all the clean laundry is thrown in my bedroom. All in fear that I will head to the hospital and our house will be full of our wonderful family very soon. Considering how pregnant I am and how many hours my husband has worked each day it is amaizing our house looks as good as it does. ;) Now if we can just keep it that way until I head to the hospital, hopefully at least 2 more weeks.

Our Zeke

Hi ~ This is Stefani's Aunt Susan. Stefani has asked if I would give everyone an update on her appointment this morning.

My heart is sad to share with you that Zeke has passed away. It is hard to understand that Zeke's purpose and destiny has been fulfilled here in this world when Stefani and David haven't had a chance to hold him and love on him but I do know that Zeke is healthy and fulfilling a greater destiny. I can only imagine the excitement when Zeke was greeted by the one who created him and his Great-Grandpa and Grandpa.

Please continue to pray for Stefani, David, and the boys. Out of respect for them time I am asking you to please give them time.


Thursday, May 20, 2010


May 19, 2010

It is getting closer by the day. Each day that goes by is one day closer to us meeting our baby. Like everyone else that should be a day full of excitement and anticipation. For me it is a day full of anxiety and fear. Every morning I wake up I can’t help but think I am almost there and some morning’s it takes my breath away and some days I just lay in bed for what feels like hours and stare at the ceiling screaming out why?? Even though I know in my head I will never understand until I get to heaven, it doesn’t make it any easier in your heart to not have any answers.

I don’t remember ever being this scared. I would get scared when I was little when I saw Chucky Cheese for the first time; I remember clawing the back of my dad’s neck when we went into the haunted house @ Disneyland. I remember getting into trouble growing up and my mom would tell me “Just wait until your Dad gets home, he will deal with you” I remember listening for my dad’s footsteps coming down my hallway, the fear and guilt of disappointing him was horrible, that alone was worst than any punishment I actually received and deserved. I remember being scared and shaking as I heard those famous music notes right before I walked down the aisle. I remember lying in the hospital about to get my first epidural when I was pregnant with Elijah, I was petrified. When Malachi was so sick as a baby and not even the doctor’s knew what was wrong w/ him. I was so scared we would loose him. All those times of being scared and yet they were all different feelings of being scared. Different level’s, different kinds of fear , when I got married that was a good scared (nervous) versus seeing Malachi as a sick baby and not knowing what to do to make him all better. You would think that would be similar to what I am facing with Zeke but it is not.

We all experience fear in a different ways. We all react in different ways. I reacted different each time I looked fear in the face. Wondering if your life will ever be the same. Wondering if you will ever get past it and be happy again. We do get past it and we do move on and sometimes when we look back at the times we thought we were “really” scared we laugh because that was nothing to what we experienced later on in life.

I have learned to not ask “what else can happen” trust me you make that mistake one time and you will never do it again. This is my “what else”. This has got to be by world’s worst fear. I knew in January it was not going to be easy, I knew it was going to be the hardest thing our family has gone thru, but I never imagined the helplessness and the suffocating feeling it can bring you. I do not know how anyone gets through pain and grief w/ out a relationship w/ God. We have walked a very long road of grief and we have many more miles, but it hasn’t been completely dark along the way. Our relationship as a family has grown. Our relationship with one another has grown. I have always imagined God being this big great man on a chair looking down on me, waiting until I screw up to punish me. A couple years ago I realized that wasn’t who he is at all. I started to see him as my best friend as a friend that no matter what he was always standing beside me, a friend I could talk to anytime of the day. Today he is not just a friend to me he is my best friend; he has been there when I was screaming at him in the shower and he didn’t leave me. He was there in the nurse’s that take me straight back to a room so I don’t have to sit w/ all the happy healthy pregnant woman wanting to be my best friend; he was there with a box of Kleenex when my father in law died. He is there in my boys when they do their silly new trick w/ a straw under their armpit and make very realistic gas noises at the very moment I needed a good laugh or I was going to cry. I always thought people were crazy when they said they felt God’s arms around them, until now. He is holding my hand every time I walk into the doctor’s office and I can picture him sitting beside me appt after appt when they tell me bad news about Zeke. As painful as this experience has been, the relationship I have gotten from it has been beautiful. Do I wish I would have gotten it a different way? Heck yeah, but I heard someone say something the other day that rang so true to me, “In order to be great you have to almost break!” We have to get to the point were we are done, we are tired and we are not happy w/ the way our life is going before we can truly come out of it and learn something about our self. Not to say that you have to go through something as painful as loosing a child, but we all have to get on our knees’ however that happens and look to God. He is the only way you have laughter in the midst of pain. He is the only way you will have light when you are in so much fear you don’t want to close your eyes at night. He is the reason you can keep going and as much as want to and as easy as you think it would be, YOU DON’T GIVE UP

Monday, May 17, 2010


You will never guess what I did today. I believe that it might of been a taste of what hell may feel like.

I was at work sitting next to a 6 week old baby boy that looks exactly like Malachi. He is asleep in the baby swing as all the other babies (which I might add are 7 other girls) lay in their crib. Would you call it ironic, pure torture, or yet again just bad luck? Considering my job title is a Preschool Teacher I didn't even understand why I was put in that room today.

The other lady in the room kept trying to get me to hold him and feed him while she changed all the other girl’s diapers. She could not understand why I volunteered to change 7 other diapers instead of sit and rock that precious little boy, she kept telling me I needed to practice. How many times do I need to tell them at work that my baby is severely sick? I just looked at her and gave her what was a fake but trying to be genuine smile as I sat the last little girl back in her crib to go to sleep.

She asked me when I was due and if I was bubbling with excitement. She asked if I had a big baby shower & had his nursery complete with everything you would need for a new baby. There came the smile again and yes it was far from real. I had to look the other way for fear she would see tears in my eyes. What felt like an hour I finally looked back at her with tears in my eyes and I told her no. We are not ready. Yes we have all the important stuff like a crib, car seat and a bassinet, but no we did not have a baby shower or even buy baby bottles and onesie’s. We have no diaper or wipes. She just looked at me confused like ahh aren’t you due in just a few weeks? I smiled at her again trying to change the subject because I knew I just didn’t have the strength to tell her again our story. English is not her first language and so I know that has a big part in why she has not understood me before, but today I just didn’t care,

It didn’t matter how many times I changed to topic and as much as I tried to not look at that precious little boy in the swing, I couldn’t. I kept dreaming of that being Zeke. Instead of that little boy wearing the Texas Orange his daddy will have him covered in Georgia Red from head to toe.

I finally looked up at her and told her I was due in almost 4 weeks, exactly 1 month from today is Zeke’s due date. The doctor’s do not expect him to survive, he is a very sick little baby and unless God intervene’s we will not be bringing him home with us. Her mouth fell open and she got tears in her eye’s. She hugged me and we both cried for Zeke. After a few min we got busy taking care of the babies and she just stopped and looked at me and sayed….”Why in the world did they put you in this classroom today?” and then we just laughed. I laughed so hard I started crying again. We could not believe that out of all the rooms for me to be in I had to be in the newborn room.

Today is the 17th, Today is 1 month exactly before my due date. My date has changed from the 17th all the way to the 20th. Today I am numb. Today I went into his room and went thru a few preemie clothes we have for him and I was trying to find the little GA hat and socks we used for the boys, along with the silk blanket the boys picked out for Zeke. I got a little onesie and hat that say little brother and then I have Elijah and Malachi’s big brother shirts they will wear that I hope to put Zeke’s footprints on. The GA onesie looks gigantic so I am trying to shrink it a little. After I got some of Zeke’s stuff together to put in the hospital bag I just sat in his room and tried to picture him in his bed and the boys standing next to the changing table watching us change his diapers. I saw the books they put on his bookshelf and the letters that spell his name we have yet to put on the wall. I wanted to cry, I tried to cry so hard but I couldn’t I just feel numb to the whole situation. It just feels like I am living someone else’s life. Like I am standing outside my body watching this all unfold before me. Yes I am preparing for the worst and today I have no hope, but I have peace. Which honestly doesn’t make sense, but I know can only come from God and God alone. I am still praying for the best outcome, his Complete Healing!

This was Malachi when he was just a few months old. That little baby boy could of been his twin, or Malachi's brother

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The BAG.....

I keep putting it off.
I keep thinking nah, its not time for that yet.
But it is!
I'm almost almost 36 weeks and I have not packed my hospital bag yet.
I don't want to.
I don't know what to pack
If I pack that bag, it means 1 thing.


I do not want it to be TIME.


I'm so scared, I'm so petrified of what will happen or what will not happen. I am afraid that he will die, I am afraid that he will live and suffer in pain, I am afraid of our life never being the same "normal". I am afraid of what he might look like. I have had nightmares the last few days of what he could look like and honestly it scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does. I have been honest through this whole journey, I am not going to stop now.

What do you pack in your bag? What do I pack for him? Do i bring just one outfit, or do I bring a couple? Do I bring a stuffed animal & his blanket we picked out? Do I take the tags off of his outfits & wash them or do I just keep them in the drawer next the the receipt's just in case. I don't know how long we will be there, do I pack normal clothes for me? Do I pack snacks, toys or movies for the boys, books for David? Do I take a coming home outfit to get his picture in or do we just put him in the same GA outfit we did w/ the boys while at the hospital? Do I dress him cute & handsome or do I just wrap him in a blanket?

A part of me wants to start packing up his nursery so I don't have to see it when I come home w/ empty arms. The next min I don't want anyone to touch it. I want to finish his nursery this week and just sit in his room and dream of what he will look like playing with all his toys.

So I ask you what would you do? What would you take to the hospital with you? It may be the only time he sees me and is held by me and I want it to be perfect. I don't want to forget anything for him. I don't want to forget anything about him in those precious moments we will have with him. I don't want to have any regrets. Do you have any ideas of keep sake things I could do for the boys?

Oh how I pray that in 6 weeks I come back on here & shower this blog with beautiful pictures of our healthy baby boy sitting at home in his swing or on his daddy's chest.

So as I sit here, I look at that empty suitcase and I wonder what the heck do I put inside it. What do I fill it up with?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

God already knows ....

I don't know how to even start this post. I have not been able to get my thoughts together & everything seems so jumbled & surreal. I honestly don't understand why this has to be my path. I don't want to keep going down this path. I would give anything to trade places w/ someone & I wish my biggest decision was what to cook for dinner not a life and death decision when it comes to my 3rd little boy.

I went back to the doctor's yesterday & that was followed by a very long & in depth conversation w/ the head of NICU, Dr. Lopez. She gave me a tour of the facility & showed me where Zeke would stay if he survived the first 24 hours. She opened her heart to me. She gave me a lot of information on what exactly would happen with Zeke & how they would do all they could for him. I saw the Ronald McDonald house that would house us so we wouldn't have to make the daily trip to visit him everyday. I passed so many tiny precious babies in the little isolates. I was told all about the support group's that would help us and the boys.

She explained to me what she believed was the best option for us, but never once pressured me to feel like I had to go the way she recommended. As I sat there it made sense all of it. It made logical sense to do the amnio and find out for sure whether or not Zeke had T18, but as I looked at her I thought of all the ultrasounds I have seen & all the problems Zeke has. Even if he doesn't have T18 we are looking at a very long road of surgery's, feeding tubes, breathing machine's & who knows what else. His size is so small that they honestly don't believe he will survive the first 24 hours. It is not because of the possible T18, but the fact that he has so much fluid in his chest his lungs can't develop, his heart is so large it takes up 3/4 of his upper body, his brain is now swollen which they call Dandy Walker & his tummy has not grown any bigger than a 23 week old gestational baby.

The only one that can make him better is God and God alone. God has the power to fix every abnormality that Zeke faces and not a doctor, nor any decision I or David make, can change that. I have been struggling w/ making a decision & when I told my mom tonight she told me the best thing I had heard through out this whole path. "You have the make the best decision with whatever you are faced w/ @ that exact moment. You can't look back & second guess yourself." It is not up to me, or David, or the doctor's for that matter. God knows how many days Zeke will have hear on earth and I honestly believe that as long as we make the best decision at the moment God will take care of the rest. I have always known that, but tonight I truly believe it. So we have made some decisions when it comes to the birth of Zeke and I am praying & believing that when I go back into the doctor this Friday they will honor it with no question's asked.

So please continue to pray for us. As the next few weeks are gonna get harder to face & as we get ready welcome Zeke into our life, how ever long that might be. Please pray for our little boys as we try and explain to them that Zeke is very sick. It is now like the begining when we first heard the prognosis about Zeke, every little thing seems overwhelming and all I want to do is lay in bed & pray the next time I open my eyes it will all be a bad dream. So pray for peace and strength as we walk the next few weeks.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Yesterday & Tomorrow....

Written May 12 2010

I am finally getting on here to give you all an update from last Friday’s appt w/ my new specialist. It was a very long and emotional day for me. By the time I walked out of there 5 hours later (yes 5 hours), I was drained. I felt like I did that horrible January morning when we had our first ultrasound confirming Zeke’s abnormalities. Defeated would be an understatement. For 2 hours I was scanned on the ultrasound by 4 different people in the office. I then met w/ my 2 new doctors’ and discussed possible outcome for Zeke & solutions they would try.

We discussed the importance of taking the amnio at this time. In no way did I feel pressured or pushed to make any decision like I had felt @ 23 weeks. Not only did she tell me every angle, but she held my hand while she explained what she recommends as the best birthing plan. Logically and in my head I understand why I should finally suck it up and take the amnio. It would help us better to determine the course of action once Zeke is born. Meaning: If the amnio comes back positive for trisomy 18 we would choose not to have his heart monitored during labor due to the fact that most healthy babies encounter distress during contractions where as a trisomy baby has a bigger chance of dying during labor because the stress is to much for there weak bodies. Hearing his heart stop while I am in the middle of pushing him out would then put me in distress physically & emotionally not wanting to continue w/ the labor process. She told me I needed to understand the seriousness of them performing an emergency c-section on me since my placenta has moved directly where they would put the incision & what length of comfort care that we want to take place with Zeke. If it is positive for T18 then no we would not rush him to NICU or perform any unnecessary procedure’s or surgery’s except to make him comfortable the best we can until he takes his last breathe.

Now if the test comes back negative then yes immediately after he was born we would have the NICU staff ready to rush him off to perform every possible action to help save him including heart surgery and draining of the fluid.

The problem comes w/ not doing the amnio & not knowing what steps to take directly after birth. The blood test they would take would not be available for at least 24 hours after Zeke was born and if he did have trisomy 18 most likely he would be in heaven by then. My biggest fear is that he will die in some stranger’s arms & not surrounded by the love of his mommy, daddy & his brothers. Now saying that your probably thinking well then why are you even questioning passing on taking the amnio? My response to that is HOPE. I was talking to David the other night & he told me he believes that if we do the amnio and it comes back positive our hope is gone, that it might be the only thing that is keeping me going & possibly Zeke. The slim chance that this is a fixable condition would be completely gone, yes not all amnio’s are correct and yes there could be a mix up with the test. Logically and medically he would be diagnosed w/ trisomy 18 and he would be cleaned off quickly & immediately put into David’s arms.

This last week has been hard. I have been so confused & so sad I just cry. I felt like I had begun planning for his funeral after that appointment. The realization of the end is so real for me and so scary I just can’t imagine that I am actually going through this. She told me that she does not want to induce me 2 weeks early & that she believes the last 2 weeks could be crucial for his weight gain. I was so heartbroken when she told me. Not because I don’t want him to gain weight, but because for once I though I would have something concrete to gear up for. To have family planning to come in by that date & knowing that I had control over at least the day he was born. Nothing has been straight forward, nothing has been a solid answer and all I wanted was 1 solid date to have marked on my calendar and know that that was the day. So when she told me I was going to have to wait and go into active labor I started crying. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb inside me and all I want is this to be over. I want to just move on whatever happens, happens & I just want to get past all of this pain. I know when I was pregnant with the boys the anticipation for the birth was a little scary but knowing that you will be rewarded in the end w/ a beautiful healthy babies you don’t care about the pain. This time around there might not be a present in the end; it may be sorrow & more heartache that I do not have any idea how to look forward to.

Yesterday I wish I never got pregnant; yesterday I wished I had miscarried in the 1st trimester. Yesterday I just wanted to be induced, have his funeral & go home to my boys and my husband. Tomorrow I will want to stay pregnant forever, Tomorrow I will want to bring him home & stay up all night with him struggling to get him to nurse. Tomorrow I will want to watch the boys change his diapers & play with him in his swing. Tomorrow I want to watch his daddy carry him all over the house and rock him to sleep & get that 1 photo you always get….. them sleeping on there daddy’s chest. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting. The guilt you feel for wanting to cut him out immediately is unbearable, but the joy of knowing we are the proud parents of 3 amazing boys is a wonderful feeling!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Enough is Enough

Its been awhile since I have been on here. So much has happened & so much has changed since I have been on here. My friend made a comment on here Facebook status today..."Dont ever ever ask what can happen next, because you may not like the answer." We all know how true that is but when it actually hits home, it can completely take your breath away. I am tired and so frusterated with everything our family has had to deal with in this last year. All I can do is cry out to God and yell "Enough is Enough!"

April 29th. That day has always meant something to me. It is my dad's birthday. My dad is a wonderful man. My dad is an amaising, loving, strong, protective & brillant man. He is full of wisdom & love for his family it just oozes out of him. His faith is strong and solid, the example he has given us could not of been better. I could not of asked for a better man than my father. I love him & admire him so much. Unfortunatly that day now means something else. April 29th is not only marked by the birth of my dad, but is now marked w/ the death of another man. Not only was I blessed w/ a wonderful father but when I married my husband I was blessed with a wonderful father in law. I have tried to write this so many times, and I havent felt like I could say the right words, maybe today i still can't but I am going to try.

April 29th my father in law passed away. It was a total suprise, he had been sick & in the hospital, but we thought he was getting better. We are all shocked by this and we just feel like it is a terriable nightmare. We are all grieving in our own way for this wonderful man that has left us way to early. As hard as it is to imagine our life w/ out him, I can't stop thinking of what a wonderful time he is having w/ Jesus. He loved his family, and he loved God. He knew the scripture like the back of his hand, he knew so much about everything it was amaizing. I remember I was always embarresed when he would ask me something about were I grew up (Oregon) he always stumped me and I always laughed cause I had no idea what the answer was. I always would tease him when it came to football, by telling him orange was a better color than red (even tho we all know that's a lie) He always treated me like I was his own daughter & not just his son's wife. He was a wonderful pawpaw to my boys as well as a wonderful dad to my husband. It was so hard to say goodbye to him last weekend. As hard as it was for me I can't imagine the pain my mother in law & his children are feeling. My heart broke for them this weekend watching them have to say goodbye to him. It made me realize more than ever how precious life really is. And even when we are going through our own personal hell, someone else out there is going through it worse.

As I sit here I am 34 weeks pregnant w/ Zeke. 6 weeks until all of our questions will be answered. 6 weeks! It doesnt even seem possible that I will be in labor so soon & we will be holding our precious baby boy. We don't know what is going to happen w/ Zeke if he will survive & shock the medical world or if in 6 weeks we will be planning another funeral. Up until last week I kept going back and forth of wanting to know what Zeke's prognosis was I wanted to believe that I had a tiny but beautiful baby growing inside me, but I didn't want to be in denial of the truth either. This last week reality is hitting me in the face, & the thought of Zeke not surving just kills me & seems more of a reality than ever before. As hard as it is to admit and accept that Zeke may not make it my husband is right when he sayed, "If Zeke doesn't make it at least Pawpaw will be able to hold him until we can." He is right because that is who these 2 great dad's are. They are protector's & comfortor's, they are strenghth & full of wisdom when we need them. My dad is my rock & he is there to always support me & love me. Here is there for me when I need advice & when I just need a big hug like last weekend. It is ingrained in them to take care of their families no matter what. My husband does it, my dad does it & my father in law did it. Just because Charles is not physically here doesn't mean he will stop. Even as Charles is dancing on the streets of gold with Jesus & eating dinner w/ the great men of the bible he studied for so many years, he will take care of Zeke for us, until we join him in Heaven.