Shocked

I need to sleep. I have a LONG day of traveling ahead of me, but I also know I need to write.

The last 48 hours have been so crazy and so unexpected I still do not know how it is even happening. It feels like a bad dream, then again it seems like dejavu. Not that I am comparing, but it is alot of loss in a 10 month span. Just when I feel like I am turning a corner and trying to see my blessings, we loose such an amaising woman at such an unexpected time. How do you deal with this? We all say trust God and he will be by your side but I need something more tangible and I don't want that to come across the wrong way, but darn it I want a reason for all this! I want to know what in the world is going on and why did I have to loose 3 major people in my life in less than a year. I am not trying to throw a pity party, I just can't believe that such loss has come thru our family in such a short amount of time. I went 14 years and was lucky to only have to go to 1 funeral. Today I will have had to do 3 in 10 months of each other. How do you see God in all this? How do people survive with out him. I may be full of so many questions I feel like I am going to burst or better yet punch a freaking wall, but in the deapest part of my being I know the truth. It happens to be something my grandma used to always say. " Stef don't worry about tomorrow sweetie, because God is already there!" Yes my grandma went to be with Jesus Wednesday and as much as it hurts I know she is still with me and I am thankful her legacy will live on in me. I plan on writing more about her and how amazing she was, & how wonderful the dream I had was of Zeke being there when she crossed into heaven.

Please pray for us this next week as we deal with everything and having to face saying goodbye to her.

blessings come from raindrops......

I heard a song on the radio yesterday and I felt like God was speaking to me like he has never done before. I kept looking at the passenger seat thinking I was going to see him sitting there, that is how real this felt.

The song is called Blessings and it is from Laura Story's new CD. I have been struggling with trying to find my peace in the death of Zeke. I have been afraid to let him go thinking I wont get his memory back, I have been afraid to talk about him for fear that people will think I am crazy. The worst is I have pushed my family away because I have been holding on to the hurt and the pain of what happened to us. I told myself over and over that it wasn't God's fault he did not cause this, I knew I couldn't be mad at him & it wasn't David's fault so who did that leave...... ME. By being mad at myself I have turned that into anger and it has bled thru me and I have not been the mother or the wife they deserve. I have been snappy and irritable, I have been sad and extremely busy.

There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve but there comes a time when the days keep going on and I have to move forward. I have to accept that Friday it will be 9 months since we said goodbye. 9 months since I left him all alone in that hospital even tho it seems like it has only been 9 days.

So with tears rolling down my face, & knowing that he will always be apart of me and our family, I have a husband and 2 beautiful boys that need me right now. Zeke is okay in heaven he is better than okay. He is were we all want to be right now.

I am trying to look at this whole tragedy in a new light. David had told me a few weeks back that even tho it doesn't seem fair and it doesn't make sense right now, God knows and there may have been something that would happen down the road. Something that might have kept Zeke from going to heaven or maybe he knew that as hard as it was to loose him like we did we may not have survived him being so sick and having so many complications and eventually watching him take his last breath. So maybe we are blinded some days by God's grace and even tho it is not what we prayed for and even tho the answer we got hurts like hell, maybe God saw something worse and spared us. So is God actually blessing us by not giving us what we asked for? I think he just might have.

Here is a few of her lyrics that stuck out to me.....

What if it took a 1,000 sleepless nights to know that he is near

What if blessings come from raindrops

What if healing comes from tears

Just Beyond The Clouds

Just Beyond The Clouds

When the road of life is long
And it's hard to take another step
The sky is dark and hope is gone
But every word He said
Won't let your heart forget

There's sunshine just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming that'll wipe away the doubt
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds

Lightning strikes you're all alone
Caught up in this crazy storm
You can't find your way home
But there's a truth you can't ignore
You were meant for so much more

There's sunshine, just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming that'll wipe away the doubt
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds

Right behind the dawn
A place that's safe and warm
And all the love you're looking for . . .
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds . .

Sunshine just beyond the clouds
And the darkness will fade away
There's a new day coming
That'll wipe away the doubts
There's sunshine just beyond the clouds.
Just beyond the clouds

by: Tyler Russell

love this

You were gone before I had the chance to say goodbye
Gone long before I had the time to cry
Now the sun has the nerve to turn the hours into days
And I'm still standing here, alone in this place

If heaven has a window to see from there to here
You know how much I miss you
and how I still feel you near
Closer than a whisper, like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go.
But then you already know
If heaven has a window.

Summer long I feel you there close against my side
Strong when the autumn leaves turn to wintertime
I look to where you once were there and I hear you start to laugh
And I wonder how long this pain is going to last.

If heaven has a window to see from there to here
You know how much I miss you and how I still feel you near
Closer than a whisper like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go.
But then you already know
If heaven has a window

Can't move on without you
But I know I have to
Until I'm up there with you
I'm gonna believe

That heaven has a window to see from there to here
And you know how much I miss you and how I feel you near
Closer than a whisper, like the sunrise on my skin
A perfect living picture and I'm with you once again
You're there everywhere I go
But then you already know
You already know
If heaven has a window
Oh, If heaven has a window

by: Kelsey Marie

David

Today is Valentines Day and I think it is only fitting that I write about the man in my life.

My husband is truly my rock and if it wasn't for his unwavering faith and strength the last year would not of been a year I could of got thru.

He has kept me a float

He has helped me keep my eyes on Jesus.

He has made me see just what the grace of God truly is all about.

He has seen me @ my worst physically and emotionally & still wrapped his arms around me.

He has wiped my tears and heard my screams

He has made me laugh so hard I peed my pants

He has loved me unconditionally

He has picked up the slack when I have not been able to do much at all

He has stood strong and steady and reminding me to just pray my guts out

He has reminded me day after day that 1 day it will all make sense.

He has held me up when I knew he was so broken inside himself.

I love him! In those first few months after Zeke died I was a ball of nerves, tears, anger and anxiety attacks but as soon as David walked in the room I could just feel myself relax and calm down. Even though we have had so many ups & downs, we may not agree on everything and we may have our differences some days, bottom line we are holding on to each other. We are staying faithful to ourselves, our boys, and God. Even when somedays we think it might be easier to let go, we know deep down we are SO much better together than we are apart. I have been an emotional roller coaster the last 12 months and it is David despite all the loss he has suffered as well that has kept me going. It is David that keeps me grounded and helps me see what is really important. We have had are share of differences but at the end of the day, I could not move to the next day with out him by my side. He is truly my other half.

I found this and I could not of written anything better myself....

No matter what life brings

Your there with the kind of love and constancy

that gets me through both good days and bad

with a smile that guides my heart

back to what matters most

I am grateful for you!

I love you David more and more each day. Thank you for not giving on me and for not giving up on us.

secret tears still flow

A friend sent me this and this is EXACTLY how i feel. Still I don't understand how 1 day you feel great and then the next day you feel like it all happened yesterday. I was laying down with the boys last night and we were laughing and talking and all of a sudden i got all choked up (so glad we were laying in the dark) thinking how we will never be complete again. People always say when they have that baby "ah our family is finally complete" I am heartbroken to think that mine will never feel that way. Apart of us will always be missing and no amount of time will change that. Having another baby will never replace him. Apart of us will always be missing and that is scary to realize that. It hurts to think that Elijah and Malachi may not remember him one day. When will they stop drawing him in the family pictures they make? How do I keep him alive and apart of our family with out sounding like I cant get passed loosing him? So this quote is exactly where I am at right now. I feel lost, scared, alone and sad. I am honored and humbled by all of you who think I am so "STRONG" & "BRAVE" but I am not, I am purely surviving and hiding behind this blog most days with tears running down my face and a box of tissues in my hands. Then I close my laptop and I "suck" it up and be a wife, a mom, daughter, sister, and friend the best that I can and most days I feel like I fail but each day is a new day and hopefully it will be better.

"No fairwell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know." ~Unknown

NOW!!!

I want to be done w/ school! I want to be walking in the calling I feel so strongly for. Can I just go to bed tonight and wake up with my bachelors degree & be getting ready to go into work at the NICU department? I just want to be done! I want to be able to help other families, share our story & I want to get started on what I feel I am called to do! Waiting Sucks! Thinking about all the hard work I have to do is overwhelming, and scary. I already feel like I am not spending enough time with my boys and my husband and I havn't even started clinicals yet. AHHHHH & yet I want another baby i must be totally and completely insane! lol

hmmm

I watched my boys last night play with a sweet baby girl about 9 months old. It made me really happy and sad at the same time, but the best thing is it made me realize and "consider" that having another baby or thinking about trying wouldn't be such a bad idea. I want to give my boys another sibling, I want to give my husband another baby, do i want to be pregnant again NO!!! Do I wish I could just go pick one up at the hospital, YEP!

I guess my heart is softening to the idea, I have been so concerned that I can't do a baby and school, and work and life. After a talk with my mom i realized that you know what we could do it, I would move her and my dad out here LOL but having another baby would not crush my dream of being a nurse, people do it all the time. So i don't really know what to say except I am just writing my feelings out and wondering out loud. A baby, am I ready for that? I don't know if I ever will be ready to put our hearts out on the line again, but I also do not want to always wonder the what ifs. So I am letting go of the control and I am giving it to God. When it happens I will be okay and hopefully i won't be a preggo basket case ! lol

talking

Talking.....

Some people think talking is good, bad, or annoying. Some people don't talk much, other's talk way to much. It is known that women talk a whole lot more than men do.

Today I went to ikea w/ a new friend of mine from church. We do what any other girls do when they get together and that is TALK. I never know when or if I should bring up Zeke. I do not want it to be all that is about me, but I feel like I am ignoring him if I don't bring him up. My friend Shannon told me with tears in her eye's that she knew, she had read parts of my blog and she knew about Zeke. What a relief ! She told me what any grieving mommy loves.... "you can talk about him whenever you want!" We bonded at that moment! =) As cheesy as that might sound, she understood and that is everything to me. It is not that I do not have other friends that let me talk about him, I do and I am forever grateful for them. It is just an awkward "elephant in the room" kinda thing when you are meeting a person for the first time and building a friendship. You just don't know when to bring it up.

So I opened up and I talked about him, told his story on and off in between our fun little trip to ikea. I got teared up a few times but it is so soothing to talk about him and to know that the person you are talking to sincerely cares. I never realized how much I LOVE talking about Zeke until today. I always felt guilty when I didn't "cry" or I was always afraid it was because "i was dwelling on our trauma" or I couldn't get passed the "bad" that happened to us and wanted people to know that yes we went through a horrible time but we are still standing. Yes maybe some of that is true, but honestly talking about him and telling his story is like telling my mom something funny that Malachi or Elijah did. Zeke is my little boy and just like I love talking about Elijah and Malachi. It is okay for me to LOVE talking about Zeke, even if it is not a good outcome or a funny story.

So Shannon, thank you! Thank you for allowing me to talk to you and share my story with you. More importantly thank you for our new friendship .

a day with no agenda......

Today I was home all day. As much as I always think I want just 1 day at home like it used to be before I started working full time and going to school I am quickly reminded how much I need business.

Houston basically shutdown today for fear of snow today so that meant that me and the boys got a snow day, which was totally awesome last night thinking how we could sleep in and lay around all day in our jammies today w/ out an agenda at all! Until that is we woke up and their was NO snow! my boys were crushed and I was just frustrated. (what a way to start your day)

I wanted to be productive today since I wasn't working and knew I couldn't get any school work done with the boys home. So house here I come you are gonna be clean gosh darn it! Yeah I made it as far as doing the dishes and then doing 1 load of laundry, before I got TOTALLY overwhelmed. When I say overwhelmed I don't just mean normal where do I start stuff..... I was having a panic attack, I started crying when I saw the mounds of laundry in my room and then looking at the boys room and toy room just sent me over the edge. So guess what I did? I crawled in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy. I totally ignored the mess of the house knowing that it was the beginning of the weekend and it was only going to get messier. I gave up!

Today was hard. I wanted to enjoy my boys and it seemed like I just kept getting upset with them or frustrated. I felt so bad and so awful as a mother that I was not enjoying our day together. I couldn't handle being home today with the boys it wasn't because I didn't want it because I did so desperately but my nerves were a wreck and I couldn't handle all the thoughts of Zeke today. It felt like a month had been built up and I hadn't really let myself miss him and so today when I was home alone with all our activities cancelled BAM it hit me and I felt like I was back at that first day of summer with no baby a husband at work and 2 boys who didn't understand why their mother was a complete mess. So finally I grabbed both of them and we cuddled on the couch together and watched a few movies and I was able to calm down and remember that these boys need me more than they need a clean house. They need me to play with them and sit with them while they watch cartoons, so that is what I did it took me all morning to figure it out, but at least I caught it before i lost the whole day.

So yes I am completely busy and I am overwhelmed at times of what all we do, but at the end of the day I would rather be overwhelmed with boys scouts, little league, school and working than being overwhelmed with panic attacks and uncontrollable crying over my sweet little boy Zeke. I may not be able to control what has happened to our family, but I can control my schedule to the point were I am not able to dwell on it and make myself miss him more than what is healthy grieving. Some people think I need to slow down and that I am just masking my grief but I would say to them I am doing what I need to do to survive. I have battled with depression before and it is a HARD place to come out of and I do not want to go down that road again. The only way I know to do that is to do the opposite of what put me there in the first place, STAY BUSY.

writing assignment

I had to write about someones last day on earth before they died for one of my classes. Here is what I wrote from Zeke's perspective, let me know what you think. ..........

Today is my last day alive. I have not lived very long in this life but what a wonderful experience I have had. Most people do not consider me alive, most people do not even consider me to be worth fighting for. That is except my mommy and daddy! I am still in my mommy’s stomach and even though I have yet to take a breath on the outside, my heart is still beating very strong. So many doctor’s have told my mommy that I would not make it, that I was broken and unfixable. Every week they gave her the option to kill me. She never took that option, even though she knew she might have to say goodbye one day.

For some reason my tummy is not growing and my heart is getting to big for my chest, the doctor’s think that before long it will just be to big and my heart will explode in my tiny little chest. My mommy & daddy though know this big guy upstairs called God and they are praying he heals me so that I can be apart of their family. It is still not to late! God can heal me and make my families dream come true. I already am their family, but I want to come home and play with my brothers and have mommy and daddy take care of me.

My mommy layed in bed last night and I talked to her through my kicks, Daddy put his hands on her belly and I kicked him to. He prayed a really good prayer, I liked it. I wish I could of met them, I mean I know them but I wanted to see them. I heard them all these 9 months and they sounded wonderful. My brothers they were constantly talking to me and showing me their toys. My youngest brother Malachi was so excited I was coming right before his birthday! They are a busy group even considering how sad mommy is, she is trying to not let my brothers see her pain. I went to baseball games, and birthday parties, we were at church every weekend and people mommy didn’t even know were praying for her and me. Praying I would come home healthy. I wish I could have been her miracle.

Today is the day my family has been dreading. Today is the day my heart is going to stop. I wish I could change it, I wish I could take the pain away from my family but for some reason I don’t even know, I am supposed to grow up in heaven instead of earth. I will miss the sound of mommy. I hope they have green olives and dr. pepper in heaven. I heard my grandpa just went up to heaven, we just got back from GA and my family has been really sad. I hope he is happy and likes it up there. I wonder if he will know me when I get there. I can’t wait to see him and hear all the stories he has about mommy and daddy and everyone else.

I wish I could of told mommy somehow that that was the last time she would feel me move, cause it is happening right now. My soul is gone. Wow heaven is amaising! He is here! Paw Paw is here at the gate of heaven with his arms open calling my name, he knows me!! I am so glad he is here with me so I am not alone.

preggos vs. babies

new pregnancy's...........

it seems to be getting harder to watch all my friends and people i don't know get pregnant. Don't get me wrong i am genuinely happy for them but at the same time my heart breaks each time i see a new expecting post of FB. i saw a little boy last week at the store blonde hair, blue eyes, about 9 months old sitting in the grocery cart sucking on his paci w/ his blanky in his hand ....... i couldn't stop watching him imaging zeke should be doing the same thing in my cart. zeke should be crawling all over the place & the boys should be running around chasing him and trying to keep all there itty bitty legos from going in his mouth! there are many days when I slam my computer shut not being able to take one more look at all the cute little babies born to all my wonderful friends, & there are just as many days that i can't stop looking at the photos because they are just adorable.

pregnancy's are harder for me still i don't get it, you would think it would be babies. i have no problem holding them, taking care of them (good thing since i work w/ them) lol you can't help but be happy when ur around babies i just wish with every ounce in me that one of them was zeke

3 times a week!!

I am trying to get back into the blogging thing again. I stopped because honestly I didn't want you to have to hear me being so down and sad all the time. So I am committing in my crazy life to blog @ least 3 times a week. It doesn't have to be long but just something to get me writing again and hopefully this will help me get thru this stage in my life, because it sure helped me get through the pregnancy.

I was at my study group for microbiology and we have all been working together for about 3 weeks now and everyone is nice and gets along great but we started chit chatting and getting to know one another a little better. One girl started asking us what made us choose nursing. The conversation turned to me and I froze, I got tears in my eyes and finally told them the "short" story. I think it is interesting when I talk about him or our story I seem to talk faster and & I get nervous. I don't know why I have this THING over me thinking that I have to hide him or be embarressed that I am still so upset over him because he technically didn't live on this earth. Why does that bother me so much? Part of it I think is the constant abuse I got at all the appointments on how they constantly told me I needed to end the pregnancy and how he wasn't gonna live, but still he was a human life and he died. Why do I feel like I have to hide him?