Monday, March 29, 2010

you never know.....

So I am sitting here at the hospital w/ Elijah. The same hospital that we have been told Zeke will be at if he is not born completly healthy. The same hospital where I may be spending my summer days. I have had alot of time to think today. Alot of time to be grateful, scared, petrified & curious.

I have been wondering if this is what my life will be like. Wondering how we are going to handle a newborn baby in the hospital. It has been agonizing being here for just 9 hours w/ my 7 year old. I can't begin to imagine how families do it on a daily basis. Your friends become the nurse's, your house becomes the hospital room & you get used to take out or the hospital cafeteria. I didn't sign up for this! I didn't sign up for the unknown when it comes to the health of my baby. We faced 7 hours of not knowing what was wrong w/ Elijah's heart & I will tell you that was the LONGEST, SCARIEST 12 hours!! My whole life flashed before my eyes. You feel so helpless when you child is sick & you feel like no doctor cares as much as you do about the health as your child. To trust a stranger w/ you son's life is hard. It is so hard to trust that he will do what is best for him. It made me think isn't God the same way... Don't we have to trust God in the whole situation? People always say trust God he will never forsake you. Honestly when you are faced w/ such a scary situation like your son having a heartrate of 253 & your unborn son facing death at every corner, how can you not feel forsaken at times like these? All I could do was laugh because I know if I stopped & really thought about all that was & is happening to us the tears of anguish would never stop flowing.

At what point is enough enough!! I feel the attack on my children so strong it is beyond the furious stage. All 3 of my boys have had life & death situations that has only proven to me the call on their life is so great it can only mean 1 thing. They need alot of prayer & alot of protection from the enemy. I am not going go into how many times my children have come to the brink of death or severe sickness in the last few years but it is definatly to many times to count. So what does all that mean? Is the call on their life that strong that the enemy keeps trying to take them out? We can all believe what we want, but the bottom line is..... My Boys are going to do mighty things for God & the enemy has no right to come this close to them. I am praying for a hedge of protection so strong and so thick that the enemy will not even be able to smell what my boys are going to do for the kingdom of God!!

I am not only fighting for Elijah & Malachi, but I am fighting for Zeke! I started to feel bad this afternoon that I was so focused on fighting for Zeke I didn't realize how sick my 2boys at home were. Now that Elijah has been diagnosed w/ pnemonia I feel even worse, but I know in my gut that is just the enemy trying to beat up.

You never know what the next day can hold for you. You also never know how much God will be there for you when that day comes crashing down. I have said it before & I am going to say it again.... Don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there! Honestly I am glad I don't know what the next day has in store for me after the last few months I have had every day is full of suprise's & not always the good ones.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

We are holding on to HOPE

I have started nesting. I was obsessed w/ getting his room ready yesterday. We cleaned it out & started unpacking the baby stuff we have been collecting. (thanks to Craig's List) I started to put together somethings and get toys and blankets cleaned. I have been looking everywhere for a bedding set I like. I think I found one @ Target, but I am just not sure if it is "The ONE". You can't help but smile when you look at all the cute baby stuff & clothes. David was laughing last night after we got the changing table and say ed "you know what this little boy is already SO spoiled and he isn't even here yet!" We are so excited to get ready for him. I never did a nursery w/ the boys so this time we are going all out! I have the matching furniture,and I found a Glider I want to order for those late night feedings. Just as we are preparing for his homecoming we are also preparing for what might be along stay at the hospital. I have to call our insurance company this week and find out what is covered w/ NICU charges and all that it includes, I need to register at the hospital and find pediatric surgeon's and start making a list of questions to ask before he is born. I am having to continue my weekly doctor visits which seem to be my worst days. This should not be included in the preparation of a sweet little baby, but in our world it HAS to be done, along w/ a layette for a preemie and all the gadgets and gear you want to buy and have on hand for him.

I was on my way to bed last night, I peeked in his room & I started to cry. I sat there in the door way & silently cried my heart out. I asked God if Zeke would ever see this room that we made for him? If he would get to play in the jumperoo or lay in his handsome sleigh crib? I just don't know the answer & there is nothing I can do to change my situation or the outcome. Waiting for Zeke to come & being completely helpless in saving your son is SO frustrating. At the beginning (17 weeks) I say ed I wanted to know his diagnosis so I could prepare for his birth or for his death. Now at 28 weeks I don't want to know. I just want to enjoy his kicks & flips in my belly. I want to make a nursery, build a registry, talk about late night feedings and listen to his brothers fight over who is going to hold him while they watch sponge bob together. Some people may think we are in a fantasy world right now & maybe we are, but you can never hide from the truth. The truth is we don't know what will happen w/ Zeke. A few weeks ago I kept going back and forth about getting all this baby stuff, because honestly I didn't want to come home from the hospital and see all of his stuff w/ an empty belly and no baby in my arms. God told me very softly .... Do not be afraid of tomorrow, but live for today. We are living for Today! No one knows how long they will live and no one knows when they will take their last breath. I don't know for sure that Elijah and Malachi will live a very long and happy life (oh God how I pray that they do) but everything can change in an instant. So we are living today for Zeke, we are living today w/ 3 beautiful boys in our life.

I don't know what the future holds, I would be lying if I told you I wasn't scared to death for June to come. I feel like I am living in a bubble of being just another pregnant woman having a baby boy, but just as I see another pregnant woman I become so jealous of her "healthy" pregnancy that I can't help but be reminded of our situation & the scary unknown that it brings to our life. So tonight all I can do is Hope that he will live. I have to have Hope that his daddy will get to teach his to play baseball and his big brother's can build forts together. We have to have faith that God will take care of us. Faith that he knows what lies ahead of us in the days to come. Faith that even tho we don't know the number of Zeke's days, God does.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

12 weeks to go...

Today we celebrated my 29th birthday & we also celebrated 28 weeks still pregnant w/ Zeke. We are so happy we have made it this far considering the doctor's didn't expect him to make it past 22 weeks. We are so thankful and have learned to not take anything for granted. Today I celebrated my 1st birthday as a mother of 3 BOYS! We went out for dinner & I chowed down on everything that I could trying to gain weight & give Zeke some yummy food. I got beautiful hand made birthday cards & cupcakes. I think I am going to enjoy being the only girl and getting all the love & special attention as their princess ;)

We are moving forward in faith and trusting God by getting things ready for Zeke's arrival. We have picked out his bedding and nursery furniture & I can not wait to get it all bought and put together!! I got his bassinet last night & we have it ready to go in our room. I am soo excited, but at the same time i am sooo scared for the end of our 12 weeks. It is crazy how many emotions you can feel at the same time. We want to meet him so badly, but at the same time we know he is alot safer inside me. He has a better chance of staying w/ us if I just could just stay pregnant forever, but at the same time all you want to do is hold him & see him face to face. I can walk by all of his stuff and smile in anticipation for his arrival & then the next time I walk by it & I just start crying w/ the realization that he may never come home w/ us. You don't want to be in denial of the truth of our situation, but you also dont want to loose your faith in the miracle that we know God can perform. So it changes & min by min we go back in forth between the truth & our faith. I just pray, that these next 12 weeks will be savored & enjoyed & not taken for granted. I pray these next 12 weeks will be a huge growth spurt & organ healing for Zeke. God has a purpose for this little boy, I have to believe that, but I also want to believe it is for a miraculous healing here on earth and not in heaven.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Amazing Legacy.....

Today a great man was born. Today my Grandpa Pearce has the best birthday present any of us could have given him. He would of been 74 years old today. 15 years ago he went to be w/ Jesus & dance on the streets of gold. To this day it is hard to believe he has been gone for 15 years. As I sit here writing this I am eating a donut & drinking chocolate milk. That had become a Saturday morning ritual. Him and Grandma would come out to the house & bring breakfast before they started to work on remodeling our house. It was one of those same morning's that he pulled me aside & told me I was his legacy. I admit I didn't understand exactly what he was saying, but 1 thing & that was he was telling me goodbye. He knew Jesus was going to be taking him home soon. He wanted to make sure that I would not be angry w/ God, but that I would chase after God, trust in him & let his will be done in my life.

I was 13 years old when he went to be w/ Jesus & I can also say it was the first time my faith was crushed. I have grown alot in 15 years. What I thought to believe when I was 13 is not the same as I believe now @ 28. For along time I resented God, I was angry at God for taking such a Godly man home to heaven so soon. I was young, selfish, & I didn't understand God's purpose. Some thing's I still don't understand, but what I do know now is that God has a plan. He works everything out for his good.

15 years later & I knew I would have to deal w/ death again at some point in my life, but never did I think I would be facing it w/ my own child. My grandpa had the wisdom & knowledge I could only dream of when it came to a relationship with Jesus. I have felt that relationship with Jesus these last few months more than I ever could of imagined. I may not have the scripture knowledge by memory, but I do have the relationship w/ God that I know my grandpa had. I remember going over to visit & grandpa would be in the garage stripping wire & I would hear him talking to someone, but when I went out there it was just him. He would tell me he was talking to his friend Jesus.

I don't understand why bad things have to happen. I don't understand why my grandpa had to die, & I don't understand why my baby may die. The one thing I do know & that I have learned in the last 2 months is that God isn't causing this. He does not want to see his flock hurting. He doesn't like to see our tear stained pillows & hear our prayers of sorrow. What he does like is that when we are in pain, we come to him. It doesn't mean it is easy & it doesn't mean sometimes that we may like it, but @ the end of the day God is God & he knows what is best for us. We do not see the big picture we can not imagine what will happen 10, 15 years down the road. God does see the big picture & just like 15 years ago when i was grieving over the loss of my grandpa God was preparing me in some way for the trial I am going thru now w/ Zeke. I know if God does choose to take my baby to heaven I will be angry & I will not understand, but I also have to believe I will not turn away from God like I did after Grandpa died. I have to believe that I am strong enough in my faith to trust him even in my darkest hour.

Today more than ever I truly believe I am following in my Grandpa's legacy. I believe he truly would be proud of me. His legacy isn't necessarily standing behind a pulpit preaching like he did for so many years, but it is living his faith out in the everyday things of life. It is standing strong in what you believe in, even when other's think you are wrong. Following in his legacy is carrying Zeke in my belly as long as I can, even though I know the possibility of him surviving without a miracle are close to nothing. Every sunset that comes & every sunrise we see is one more day closer to the end of this pregnancy. It is one day closer to our dark tunnel of saying goodbye & the fear & grief that will follow. As much as I try to celebrate this pregnancy & Zeke's life, I also grieve for him at the same time. One of my grandpa's favorite hymns were Amazing Grace. I used to play it just because reminded me of him. Now I play it at least every other day to remind myself of the truth.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Here is the whole song from you tube.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I think I am in denial, shock, acceptance, & hope all at the same time if that is @ all possible. I went in to the doctor's office with 2 angels on either side of me ready to take on whatever the doctor told me good or bad about Zeke. I came out of the doctor's office wondering what happened to those angels, I know they were there but I sure didn't feel them as strong as I did when I walked in.

Zeke is in position for birth, My placenta is covered in calcium deposits, & he is not growing. He isn't even growing an ounce a week! He is only 14 oz when he should be close to 32oz. I know alot of people have said that babies can survive if they are born at 26 weeks, but Zeke is in a totally different category unfortunately. I maybe 26 weeks pregnant but he is only the size of an 18 week pregnancy. In order for him to have even a fighting chance he needs to be big enough to be inti bated & he is not even close. They want him at least to be 24+ oz in order to get the tube's down him. He is not going to be a strong preemie. If I do go into labor like they expect this will be a death sentence for him & us if he does not weigh enough. I am not ready to say goodbye to him yet, not that I ever will be ready. He deserves a chance to fight just like he has in my belly!

I really thought we had hope, I really thought the doctor's might of been crazy & we were going to bring home a healthy baby. Sitting here tonight I don't think that. I know God can still heal him & I know that it is not finished until his heart stops beating, but honestly it just feels like we are nearing the end. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, & I am so overwhelmed w/ grief & stress it is beyond exhausting! I am exhausted w/ just being pregnant in itself, but then the stress of his health has just turned into more exhaustion that doesn't go away no matter how early I go to bed or how late I sleep in the next morning. I am drained, I am tired and I am scared.

I just wanted you all to know were we are at after the doctor's appt. We are very scared tonight. We are not giving up, We are not giving up @ all!! We still believe and trust God, but we are tired. Tired of this fire & tired of the roller coaster. I have lived w/ one of those "crying" headaches for 2 months now. I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring, but like my grandma says .... "dont be afraid of tomorrow, because God is already there". Thank God for that! I thank him for not only holding my hand, but for carrying me through this fire.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I shouldn't have to choose.....

I have been suprised by myself lately. I thank God for walking beside me, I have been very happy, up beat & positive about Zeke & everything that we have been going thru. I was just convinced that it will all work out for the good. Zeke will be healed & we will watch him grow up & be a testimony to all. Even this morning I was dreaming about having him home w/ us & watching him play w/ the boys.

As quick as you could turn off a light switch it all changed. I have been so angry tonight & so petrifried of what the future holds for us I could barely function this evening. I just would go to my room in between doing things for the boys & I lay down & cry my heart out. I have tears of pain soakin my pillow now as I wrote this. I can't explain it as well as I would like, but I can say it is a smothering
pain & it feels like someone has something tied really tight around my chest. As quick as the anger come's it goes away & is filled w/ such heartache & guilt I can't even function.I keep going back and forth between those 2 feelings. I feel like I have totally wasted a great evening w/ my family because of my terriable reactions to anything they have sayed. I have been rude, short tempered, & completly impatient. I feel like if somebody would just shake me real hard & real fast maybe they will snap me out of this mood.

I got a bill from my doctor today stating my insurance coverage which seems to have gone from no deductible to $1,000, has to be paid immediatly. I don't have the funds to just cut them a check & I have no idea were I will get the money. I admit that probably put me over the edge & here comes my brutal honesty...... The first thing that popped into my head was "I have to now pay $1,000 to hold my son who is just going to die." I have 2 healthy boys & I didn't have to pay that for them but yet now w/ Zeke's prognosis I have had to pay more out of pocket each visit & each ultrasound just for him to not survive. How wrong & how horiable is that of me to think, but I would be lying if I told you I didn't. The stress of money now just makes this burden way to heavy to bare. They want me to have an ultrasound evey 2 weeks but then that means I have to pay for an ultrasound every 2 weeks & we have 15 weeks to go yet on top o my hospital deductibal!!! I know I need to pray & trust God but let's be honest sometimes that is just to hard to do when you are faced with so much @ 1 time. I know God will take care of us, but as you all know the stress of money just brings a totally different level stress then what you would of felt before. I should not have to choose to have an ultrasound because I can't pay for it, but that is what it is coming to. I should not be wide awake @ 3am considering canceling my ultrasound in the morning, because I can't afford another payment right now. I should be able to enjoy this time w/ Zeke, I should be able to enjoy watching him on the screen every 2 weeks, not thinking in the back of my head of all the $$$ signs it it is costing us to do so.

For those of you who know there has been NOTHING easy about this pregnancy. It has been such a struggle everywhere we turn. And now w/ the money stress thrown into it I just can't handle much more. When Zeke is born & he has to overcome all of those surgery's & who knows how long he will have to stay in the hospital the bills will get even higher. I know I should not be stressing about it now, but how can I not think of it. I know God is there even tho I feel all alone tonight & I am asking for strength, wisdom, & sleep, but it just seems out of my reach. I know God is here w/ me I just am feeling pain & that is okay to feel. I have learned that I don't have to be strong all the time. Tonight is one of those nights I have not been strong.