Tuesday, March 22, 2011

1 month

The whole family together minus by gang, David, Elijah & Malachi

All the grandkids together w/ John. Oh how Grandma would of loved this photo!

Jessica and I with John

It will be a month tomorrow since my grandma went to heaven. It is so hard to believe it has been a month and while we all met at her house to say goodbye & show our respects. I got back on a plane & went back to my crazy life being a mom, student and working full time. Life stood still for me that week I was in Oregon and since then it has really made me ponder what was truly important in my life. Yes I pondered the same thing after my father in law died and then when Zeke died, but we get so busy and life happens, before we know it we are stressed out, short with our kids and frustrated because we don't have a clean house and folded laundry. When something tragic happens it is like we get shocked by electricity and we really savor life and how quickly it can all be over.

I have had a rough month w/ trust and believing that God has a purpose and a plan for all this pain. He knows the end of the book and even though we only see a sentence he knows what will need to be written next in order for us to get the ending he has planned for us. So the frustration is only human and the "talks" in the car to God lately have been out of desperation, pain, grief, and sometimes pure fear. To know that he is okay with my anger is so comforting because I know that he is the one and only who takes me as I am and loves me regardless of my emotions. He knows I have to get thru this in order to receive my joy later down the road.

It was bittersweet getting together with all my family because we all knew how much grandma wanted that and how unfortunately life just kept getting in the way of all of us being able to take off work and travel out there at the same time. She was a wonderful woman and showed us how to truly love her family and put them first. I hope and pray I can be the kind of mother who shows unconditional love and support to my family as she did. She was always telling us to make sure our words were sweet because we may have to eat them later. ;) I love you Grandma and wish you knew how much you impacted my life.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

unconditional love

Its been awhile, every time I go to write it just doesn't come out.

2010 was a heartbreaking year for me and my family we suffered alot of heartache as we buried and said goodbye to father in law and then our sweet little boy. When 2011 came I didn't dare say it couldn't get worse but as the same time I thought surely we would have a year full of blessings and smiles after our year of mourning.

Feb 23, 2011 my Grandma unexpectedly went to be with Jesus. It was a shock, it still is a shock. She had not been sick so to hear that she was in the hospital we just assumed it was dehydration and she would be home in a few days. Before we knew it went from bad to worse in a matter of hours.

It doesn't matter how many times you have had to hear those words .... "I have bad news" it doesn't make it any easier! I keep having flash backs to that last phone call I had with her just a week before she died, who would of ever thought that was it? We know life is precious and we say we cherish life and our loved ones, but do we really CHERISH them as if it might be the last phone call, hug, kiss, or even a casual goodbye? Did I tell her I loved her before we hung up? I don't remember it was crazy I was standing in gym waiting for the boys to play their basketball game. I do remember she didn't want to bother me and knew I was busy but I told her "no, I have time to talk I am just waiting for the game to start." we talked about seeing each other this summer and how I hoped we would be able to come out. She told me how much she loves getting updates on the boys and seeing their pictures. We talked about school and she told me she was so proud of me & how I am her favorite oldest grandchild named Steffy." Our conversation wasn't very long 15 min maybe but I remember thinking I need to call her next week, but did I tell her I loved her? I don't remember.

She was a wonderful woman. She loved her family and she always made everyone feel so important to her. I was her favorite oldest granddaughter and David was her favorite grandson named David and so on with everyone else. She was always there for support and love whether she agreed with you or not. She never gave her opinion unless you asked and she constantly told you she was so proud of you. We had a lot of great memories together, Garage Sale shopping was one of our favorite things to do on the weekends. I remember she drove down the middle lane between the 2 yellow lines 1 Saturday because we were in a hurry to catch a sale and that lane just wasn't being used. ;) I remember dressing up in her church clothes and walking down the sidewalk with a toy shopping cart and high heels thinking I was the coolest girl on the block. There are so many memories I have of Grandma but the one thing that stands out the most is her commitment to her family. She gave her whole life to us all and she loved us with such unconditional love. She was wonderful and to think that she is no longer here just hurts so much. Her legacy will live on in all of us and her commitment & unconditional love to her family is something that will never be forgotten.

So tell the ones you love that you love them, every time you talk to them because you never know when it will be your last conversation.