Friday, June 25, 2010

Matthew West - Save A Place For Me (Slideshow With Lyrics)

A month later

I didn't think I could cry anymore until last night. I was getting ready to go to bed and I turned off all the lights and then I just fell to my knees and cried it came out of nowhere. I had just watched a cute movie w/ the boys and put them to bed. It wasn't a silent cry but a scream. I just lay ed on the floor of my living room and I screamed and cried like I did right after I delivered him. I could barely catch my breath and actually scared myself a few times because I had gotten so worked up I could barely breathe. I started punching the pillows and yelling out to God "WHY, WHY MY BABY!

I know I will never know the answer to those ?'s but I can't stop thinking about it. I know God has a plan and I know he hates to see me hurting, but at the same time he could of stepped in and prevented it. I just want to see a glimpse of his plans for us, just a glimpse.

The pain is getting worse and the anger is mounting. I feel like I have lost my arm and there is truely something missing, I can't ever seem to find what I am looking for and then I remember Zeke is gone, I didn't forget him he is in heaven. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I am in the club. The grieving mommy club. Zeke really died it's not just a nightmare it is my life.

I have wondered more now than ever what heaven is really like. What is he doing up there in heaven? Does he know I am his mommy and I love him or does he only know God's love? Do they sing him lullabies and play this little piggy with his toes? Does he have a special blanky? Who is carrying him around the mansions? Is he playing baseball with Charles and learning the bug song from my Grandpa? Did he find his little brother or sister from the year before? Are the inseparable like Elijah and Malachi are? I just want to see him one more time and make sure he is okay and happy. I want to take in a deep breath and smell his sweet baby smell and have his fingers curl around my finger. I would give anything to up all night due to feedings and collic instead of nightmares and tears. I want him to curl up on my chest and listen to my heartbeat.

Oh Zeke my sweet boy. My heart truely ache's for you and I miss you more than I could ever had imagined. Save me a place in Heaven right next to you and our other baby. You will always be my third little boy. I will always remember you and include you in our family, I don't care what people might say. Watch over Elijah and Malachi for me, I am super paranoid something will happen to them now. Your Daddy loves you and misses you to. Give Pawpaw a hug and kiss from all of us and tell him we will be okay. Have fun playing Jesus and we will see you soon.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My body....

It has been almost a month to the day since I delivered Zeke. I am doing as well as you can expect emotionally. I still cry everyday for him and I have been trying to keep worship music going and I know each day will get a little bit better. Because we don't have physical pictures of him I am so afraid he will be forgotten. What has been my biggest challenge the last few days is my body, I am still dealing with all the things that come from giving birth. It is so amazing to me on how much breastfeeding really helps our bodies go back to normal. It never seemed to be such a big deal, dealing with all the postpartum junk because you are so focused on taking care of your new baby, you are so in love with this little person. You don't have time to think of yourself and everything that hurts. I only gained about 18 pounds w/ Zeke. I lossed a majority of the weight with in the first few weeks of having the boys, but this time it has clung on for dear life!

I just feel like its never ending. I have to deal w/ the death of my child and I can't even try and move through this or learn to live w/ him gone, because I am constantly reminded physically that yes I did have him and the worst part is being reminded constatnly every day that he is gone. I know this has a big part in why I don't want the leave the house. I don't have any clothes that fit me. I still look pregnant and when you go out in public in maternity clothes you stand the risk of someone asking you how far along you are (cause we are all soo nosy!) LOL!! That.. I could not handle! I have worn my sunglasses inside the stores alot more lately because I don't want to make eye contact w/ people. I can't wear normal pants yet and my boobs are to big for my normal shirts. Its awful I still feel like I got ran over by a truck! Still after 4 weeksI feel just awful! So I am stuck in "comfy jammie" like clothes and I am just hanging around the house trying to get through each day as it comes. Not to mention how I feel hormonally!

Some people think I might need help to get over these humps and maybe I do if I am still acting like this in a year but what I keep telling myself is its only been a month. By no means am I putting down anyone who has had to take medication to help them, I have taken the medication and I don't think anything is wrong with doing so. I just know for me... right now its not the best thing for, I feel I would get worse. I do not feel depressed, I am just a mother grieving for her son she did not bring home. I feel lost, I feel like something is missing. I am constantly looking for my phone, keys, chapstick and when I find them in my purse I'm still looking and then I realize I am looking for Zeke. I miss Zeke, I feel like I have left him somewhere and I need to go find him. I honestly feel like I am missing a part of my body. I look in the backseat and I only see the 2 boys and I look down at my belly and I am reminded that it will stay 2 boys in the backseat. I know it will get easier but right now I just feel like everything especially my own body is a constant reminder that my child died.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I'll Just Worship - Live at Free Chapel

This is EXACTLY how I feel right now and the only thing I can do is worship.

Due Date

The day has come

Today is the anticipated day for anyone who is going to have a baby.Today was not an anticipated day for me.I should be getting ready for one of the best days of my life, meeting my 3rd little boy. Holding him and counting his fingers and toes and showering him with kisses.Instead I am sitting in the kitchen with my baby's ashes in our home. In a little blue box no bigger than a toddler shoe box with his name on it.

They have always said that no parent should every have to bury their child. That this is the worst thing dealing w/ the death of your child. You always think it will be someone else and you wonder how you would handle it if you were in their situation. I have said it before that I would not wish this on anyone, but I would gladly give this pain away to the first person who could take it. I am by far going through my darkest hour and just when you think you are coming up for air, you start sinking again. You can't function and the littlest problem or the smallest task feels like you are climbing Mount Everest.

Last night I couldn't help but dream of having a "healthy pregnancy" and bringing Zeke home like so many of you are doing right now. The jealousy is awful and the anger comes and goes & some times I can not believe that I can harbor so much anger. It is not directed at anyone or even at God, I am just furious that this happened and furious that the few things that I had hoped to get out of this awful nightmare, like a family picture or just a picture of Zeke by himself didn't even happen. I went for asking God to heal my baby down to asking for just a picture of him and not one of those prayers were answered. I have framed his footprints in a nice frame and I am going to take my kids to the park and have their picture taken w/ Zeke's footprints. I may not have his full body here, but I do have a part of him that can be visual in a picture of my 3 boys.

I can understand why people run from God, why people loose their relationship's and their marriage when they loose a child. I can remember hearing about a friend of mine that lost their baby shortly after birth a few years ago and telling a friend of mine, "Oh how I pray that never happens to us, my marriage would not survive the grief of burying my baby." The emotions are so strong and they can come on so suddenly you can't control them. You have to conciensly every few second's keep talking to God and David,I have to keep that life line open or it will shut and you will not have the energy to open it. But here I am 3 years later in the middle of my worst nightmare and my marriage is stronger than ever, and most importantly my relationship with God is stronger than ever. When all of this started to happen with Zeke someone told me you have to choose to live, you have to choose to not shut down & push everyone away. That is when I decided to start the blog, to keep me from shutting down and to make me keep the communication going w/ David and with God.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am mad and I am so confused.

I was talking to my mom about how I just wish I had a small glimpse of "why". As confused as I am, I still have to try and explain things to my boys and help them remember that even though Pawpaw and Zeke went to heaven way to early and even though we all prayed our guts out for them to be healed, it does not mean God did not hear our prayers. My mom told me to explain it to the boys as a book. When Pawpaw and Zeke died that was like a chapter or even a sentence in the whole book God has written for us. God can see the end of the book the very last sentence and in order for us to get to that point we have to go through chapter 3 and chapter 5. We can't read the last chapter of the book or even the last sentence before the other's because it wouldn't make sense. God has a plan and even though this part of the book we are in is really hard and it really hurts we have to keep reading because it will get better and before you know it we will be reading the last chapter and it will all make sense.

I have no answers and I want to give up at times, but I want Zeke to stay alive and I want his legacy to mean something. God brought him here for a purpose and chose us as his family for a reason. The enemy may have gotten Zeke, but he will not get my spirit and he will not get Zeke's legacy!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Doctor appt..

Real quick I just wanted to let everyone know that I got worked up over nothing last night. I went into the doctor's this morning only to find out 2 very upsetting things.

1. I had not lost any weight!

That totally ticked me off, but I guess when you consider I have drowned my sorrow's in everything chocolate for the last 3 weeks and have not been able to breastfeed I kinda should of expected it.. LOL Trust me when I say breastfeeding works ladies! I gained more weight with Elijah and Malachi and in 4 weeks after Malachi I was back in my regular shorts and/or pants. This time around my comfy shorts still don't fit me. So I was pretty bumbed that I hadn't even lost Zeke's birth weight which yes was only 2 lbs but hey you gotta start somewhere right?

2. His test results were not in yet!!

I stayed up all night slept in between nightmares all to be told this morning his cells are still growing in the lab and it could take another 3 weeks before we know his true disease! 3 weeks are you kidding me?? Then again why am I not surprised nothing and I mean nothing about this pregnancy has been easy. She checked my uterus and it is not shrinking like she was hoping, so I am still on restriction which means I could not go straight to the YMCA and run off all the fat and sadness I have gained in the last 3 weeks. hehe =) I have to lay around and take it easy, she thinks I am overdoing it, when I should be resting. She offered to give me anti-depressants which I passed on. I have been there and all they do is make you feel numb and prolong the pain that you will eventually feel anyways. She agreed and asked me how the boys were doing, how David was, she offered me some advice and then I got a lot of hugs and kind words from her and all my nurses as I was walking out.

I have to go back in 3 weeks for my exam and hopefully I will get Zeke's results in. There is always a chance that they will not grow properly and they will come back inconclusive, please join with us in praying that his cells and tissue samples grow and give us the proper diagnosis we so desperately need.


Tonight I am scared, and angry.

I have to go to the doctor in the morning and get the test results from Zeke's condition. We are almost positive that he had T18 what we don't know is if it was genetic or if it was just a fluke thing that happened to us. Our doctor has a good feeling it is not genetic because we have 2 healthy boys, but when Zeke was born the severity of his condition was alot worse than any of us expected. So my nerves are completly on edge and the aprehension of this doctor's appointment is about the same as the January 7th appointment when they did an ultrasound to see if he had any abnormalities to match the positive blood test for T18. If this comes back genetic are hope for ever having another baby is completly thrown out the window. We can not go through this again. I can not bury another baby. Not only will I have to grieve the loss of Zeke, but I will have to grieve the loss of the bigger family David and I dreamed of. Then again if his test comes back okay and we are given the go ahead I am scared. Not that we are going to get pregnant ANYTIME soon, but just the thought of it is scary considering what we just went thru. I say all that and then I remember what my grandma would always say.. "Don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there." How true is that statement. God is there, he knows the results, he knows how many kids I will have and how big our family will or will not be one day. He sees the big picture where as I only see tonight & what could happen tomorrow. I have trust him and trust that he knows best.......but that just goes into my next problem.

How can you trust someone who you are angry with? How do you love someone who you are angry with? How can you believe he knows best when you are angry with him? You worship. You cry and you worship your way out of your hurt and your anger. I can't do anything else. I can't change what I went through. Some reason, some crazy reason God chose me to go through this. He chose me to be Zeke's mom knowing that his life would be very short. As angry as I am at the situation, especially the picture situation. I know in my heart it is not his fault that he didn't cause this but I am angry because he could of given me a picture. I accepted Zeke was sick and all I asked for was one minute to hold him, to meet him and then I found out he died before birth. I had accepted he died and I just prayed and asked God for a picture of the 5 of us. When Zeke was born we decided that it was better if the boys didn't see him, a stillbirth is alot different then a live birth for obvious reasons and it was best that boys did not see Zeke like that. So there went the family photo I dreamed of all these months. I then looked forward to having a picture w/ Zeke and his mommy and daddy. Well the photographer with Now I lay me Down to Sleep was held up for reasons I do not know and was unable to get to us until almost 8 hours after he was born. I asked Janice how he looked and I trusted her to tell me the truth and she told me that he had deteroated very fast and she just did not think I could handle seeing him like that and David and I agreed, so out went the photo of the 3 of us. A photo that's all I wanted and considering I had started praying for a healthy baby and then I went to praying for him to heal my sick baby all the way down the ladder like 10 times to just praying for a picture w/ my baby and his mom and dad. Yeah I am angry! I am angry because so many other's get their prayer's answered and I feel like I got none of mine. NONE! Yes if you look at the bigger picture okay I did get some answered. But right now in my pain and in my anger all I can see is what I didn't get. And what I didn't even get was a picture w/ me holding my baby, because he looked so bad. Really God couldn't even give me that? Was that to much to ask? Now your probably wondering well why didn't I just have someone take candid shots earlier on in the day... I did but she only took pictures of him by himself, because I was so traumatized and in shock of the whole labor and birthing experiance I couldn't be with Zeke, I couldn't handle having him in my room all day. Some of you may think that is wrong and that I am crazy for not holding him for as long as I could, but I don't care because in my heart I carried him. I carried him in my belly for 9 months and I truely felt that carrying him in my arms all afternoon would of only added to my trauma. No I am not going into details of the labor, not yet anyways but I will tell you it was awful, it was traumatic and I don't regret any decision I made that day. But that does not change the fact that I am sooo angry right now.

With that sayed, worship is a wonderful thing because it can pull you out of whatever you are going through and make you focus on what is really important. It brings perspective, and it brings peace. Peace that could not come from anyone else but God. So I have to step out on faith and trust him. I have to trust that God sees the bigger picture even when I can't. Even when I have nights like tonight when I am SO angry for not having a pretty picture of my baby.

Friday, June 11, 2010

grieving brothers....

One of my biggest fears when our journey with Zeke began was my 2 boys. I was worried about how Elijah and Malachi were going to be able to handle this. Alot of people told me that "kids are resilient" they will be sad, but they will also bounce back. I never thought that I could end the pregnancy with Zeke because of my strong faith in God and how pro life I was, but I was also a mommy to 2 little boys who I know where going to have to possibly grieve the loss of their baby brother. As a parent we will do whatever we can to keep our children from hurting. I know for myself "mother bear" can come out of nowhere and attack on a seconds notice! =) As much as I loved, and I yearned for my baby boy growing inside of me, I also loved and wanted to protect Elijah and Malachi from any pain and a part of me felt like it was my fault for continuing on in the pregnancy knowing the pain that we may experience this summer. The thought of having to watch my boys get so excited for their baby and then to have to shatter their world with the possibility of Zeke dying just killed me. Through out the whole pregnancy I felt like I was choosing Zeke's "possible" life over the emotional side of the boys. If that even makes any sense. There were many times when I would over hear the boys talking about playing with Zeke and changing his diapers and I would just ask myself "what are you doing? you are lying to your kids,they think he will come home healthy!" It would make me sick to my stomach and some nights I would pray God if this is gonna end up bad come June, just let us get it over with now. Please don't prolong the inevitable. I can not watch my little boys grieve over their baby!

We kept going on, one day after another and before you knew it, we were in May and all of us were SO optimistic that Zeke was going to be healed and was going to be a testimony. That morning they told us Zeke's heart had stopped of course I was upset, but I couldn't stop thinking about Elijah and Malachi. I had to get home to them, I had to tell them, I had to hold them and let them cry because it was all my fault! I knew in January how sick he was and I still let my boys dream of a healthy baby knowing he wasn't. I was so thankful they let me go home that morning and just wait for labor to happen on its on, I needed my boys!

It wasn't until about a week ago it actually hit them, that Zeke was gone. Yes they knew I didn't come home with a baby and yes they saw his footprints but it took awhile for it to sink in and when it did they are so scared to talk about it, cause they don't want to make us sad. They are upset they didn't get to see him and say goodbye to them like they did paw paw. They still grab my camera thinking i have put picture's of Zeke on there.

Malachi had a good break thru about a week after I came home from the hospital and he just cried on my shoulder for awhile, we both cried actually and then he started drawing pictures and leaving me notes like the one I found on my bed Tuesday after the funeral home had contacted us.He drew a picture of me crying and underneath it say ed.. "I am so sorry your sad mommy, but just remember you told me he is with Jesus." It melted my heart and was just what I needed at that moment. He keeps asking me over and over that he doesn't understand why God didn't answer our prayer to heal him and that is so hard to explain especially when I don't have a stinking clue myself. He asked what we all did wrong cause we had 2 babies die. He wants to know why his friends mommies can have healthy babies but his mommy can't. It is one thing to be there and comfort someone, but when you are going through your own grief it is SO hard to pick yourself up & be there for them let alone when it is your kids.

Elijah is acting out in anger. He is throwing things and yelling when I get on to him or ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He hates going to bed at night and immediatly wants to sleep w/ us everynight cause he say's he misses paw paw and Zeke. He never did any of this before. For you that know him, you know this is TOTALLY out of character! I am afraid he is blaming me for Zeke not living. He won't talk to me, or love on me unless David is around. It hurts so much, but at the same time I don't blame him he is only 7 and I had Zeke in my belly one day and then that night I came home and he was gone. I had the baby last May in my belly and by the evening I came home and he was also gone. I keep telling them we will have a baby and the last 2 times they have died. I know in my gut I could not of done anything to prevent this & to keep Zeke from having these birth deffects, or from having the miscariage but it doesn't make it any easier on a daily basis.

Our boys have had so much death around them the last 6 weeks, I am surprised they are handling it as good as they are I just wish as their mother I could help them more than I am. I am having a hard time leaving the house during the day, I pray that doesn't last or its gonna be a VERY long summer. I just don't want to be "fake" & have to smile at people or interact and hear "have a great day" when I am in the deepest part of the valley right now.

I know people have sayed it will get better and it will get easier. It just takes time, but it also has only been 2 1/2 weeks and only 3 days since we finalized his funeral arangments. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her, not that it compares to her pain in anyway, but no one expected her to have moved on and gone back to her normal activities 2 1/2 weeks after Charles died. I know it is not the same and every situation is different but to me this is my Hell. To me this is the darkest hour I have ever walked through. No mother should ever have to bury their baby even if he never lived outside her womb. Zeke was still baby and he was still apart of our family and always will be.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

just a box.....

Just a quick note, to let you know we did survive last night at the funeral home. I didn't think I would considering what a rough afternoon I had physically not being able to stop throwing up, thanks to my nerves.

I don't remember the drive there it was almost like I was sitting in the backseat watching David drive and me sit in the front seat. I remember telling David, there was the funeral home on the right and then we parked. I followed David in, and I couldnt help but wonder what David was going to say on "Why" we were there. I kept my glasses on and looked at the ground while someone came up to us and David told him we were here to pick up our remains. Remains. All that is left of our little baby they have in a tiny box sitting on a shelf just waiting to be claimed. He ushered us into a private room, and went to go find out "about" us. He came back and asked who we had talked to because everyone was gone. We didn't know, are you kidding, so we described to him what he looked like when we were there the first time. The man told us that guy wasn't here and asked if we could come back tomorrow. I wanted to just scream NOOOOO!! Does he not understand were we are, did he forget were he worked? Does he realize we are here to pick up our babies remains? And he wants us to just come back tomorrow like we are picking up a new outfit or something? I looked up at him with tears in my eye's as David sayed "no we really need to get this done tonight, we can't come back". He ended up giving the guy a call and was given permission to realease Zeke to us.

And then he came back and he had something in his hands it was a little blue box that was wrapped in what lookes like a clear zip lock baggie. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. My baby was in that box! My baby, Oh my gosh this is really happening and then David pulled out the Death Certificate and just looked at me w/ his sweet comforting, I wish I could take the pain away kind of look & I broke down crying. It was awful and after he signed all the paperwork I just wanted to leave. But no we had to wait for a receipt. I told them we didn't need one, we just want to leave and lady sayed, "now you don't want me to loose my job do you? I have to get you a receipt." I just laughed like yeah lady that is my main concern right now is your job! LOL

I looked her in the eye's and she gave me that, I am so sorry and I don't know what to say look I have got a million times and then she left to get that darn receipt. We just sat there forever it seemed waiting for the piece of paper that would finally release us to go back home. As we were leaving she touched my arm and gave it a sweet squeeze and I thanked her,for what... I don't know I just knew it was the polite thing to do. Even though I wasn't thankful due to the situation. David carried him out in a bag we walked to the car and placed him in the backseat.

We got home and walked in the house and David looked at me and asked me where he should put him. I just started laughing, he smiled and laughed like ahhh this is SO AWKWARD. We decided to put him in his room and David sat the bag on the changing table. I couldn't stop laughing at the irony of the situation. I had tears in my eyes crying, but laughing at the same time. I can't explain it. We stood in there and talked a few min, I looked at his death certificate and that was that. What do you say after all that, we just looked at eachother & we decided we were hungry, so we ate.

This morning I just feel weird, empty, and sad. I went into his room this morning and looked around imagining him laying in his crib or playing in his jumperoo. Then I saw the "box" and as weird as I thought having him home like that would be, it is also very comforting to know he is with us. We are now starting to plan a small memorial service for him. We have no idea what we will do except realease balloons w/ message's on them. Other than that we have no idea. Suggestions are welcomed very much. We love you all and are so thankful for the prayers and support

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

what we say....

Have a great day!

How many times do we say that to people? We say that in passing at the grocery store, the bank, coffee shops. We say it on the telephone to an operator, to the mail man or your child's bus driver. We don't even think about it. It is just a habit and a form of saying goodbye to someone we know or we don't know.

You don't even think about what your are really saying until you are going though such a horrifing ordeal. I went and got a cup of coffee today and the lady in the drive thru smiled real big and told me "Have a great day!' My eye's welled up with tears and I just sighed and sayed "yeah you to."

Have a great day she says as I am about to go pick up my babies ashes at the funeral home. She didn't know, she didn't mean it to come across wrong, she was doing her job and being friendly which I do apreciate. It just happend to be on one of the worst day's I could go thru. So it made me wonder how many people do we say that to who put on a fake smile and say "yeah you to" It makes you think twice about what you say to people in passing, people that you know and those people you don't know.

the phone call

We have been waiting. Waiting for closure. Waiting for it all to be over. Waiting for the phone call. For the last week everytime I hear my phone ring I jump in fear that it is the funeral home calling us.

It started off like any other day. We couldn't go to the pool cause it was storming like crazy, so the boys and I were crawled up on the couch watching a movie. We were laughing and being silly and then David called me. As soon as I heard him say "hey" I knew something was wrong. It never dawned on me that we had gotten the call. He told me he had just got off the phone from the funeral home and that we needed to come by this evening. As much as you know the call is coming, as prepared as you can be for taking the next step when it actually comes it totally takes your breath away. As soon as I got off the phone with David, I ran back to our bathroom and I preceeded to throw up over and over and over again. I turned on the shower (to drown my noise from our boys) & I layed down on the cold floor of my bathroom and I screamed and then threw up some more and then I screamed again. The pain and the emptiness is gut wrenching. The fact that we have to actually take the next step in the death of our baby is unimaginable.

So as I sit here. I am waiting. Waiting for my husband so we can go down to the funeral home together to pick up our baby boy's ashes. To think that I will be bringing him home in a little box, instead of the infant seat in the backseat seems like the cruelest, horindus step I have to take as a mother. Our final resting spot will be in Georgia and we will scatter his ashes over David's dad's grave, but until we are able to get him there I keep wondering where do I put him? Do I put him in the back closet where it is dark and scary, do I put him on the fireplace for us all to see him, do I put him in the nursery next to his baby bed where he was supposed to sleep whole, healthy and happy. Do I put him on my nightstand where I have his footprints, and his blanket lays on my bed. There is no good place to put him!!

I am sitting in my dark living room w/ no sound but the sweet sounds of worship music and rain falling from the sky. I am reminded of the song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman about all the tears we cry. He asks God "do you cry a 1,000 tears for every tear I cry?" I can't tell you how many tears I have shed today alone and as I look outside I see all the rain drops and I know that God is grieving with me. Just when I think I can't cry one more tear, the flood gates open up my head aches from crying and screaming so much. I just want to sleep but I fear of the nightmares that will come with sleep overtakes me. I feel God's arms around me comforting me, trying to comfort me. I as much as I want to I can't be angry. I know God didn't do this, but I also know that he could stop it also. Everything was lined up perfectly for Zeke to be healed or come back the way Lazarus did. Why he didn't do that we will never know, but we have to believe there is a purpose and there is a plan for all this. Zeke had a purpose and as his parents we are determined to keep that alive. He will not die in vain, I just wish I could get a glimps of him playing w/ Jesus just a glimpse.

Tuesday's will never be the same for me for long time. I try not to read to much into things, but I can't ignore the fact that Tuesday's seem to play a role in Zeke. Those were the day's I had my big ultrasound appointments and we would learn more about Zeke. Tuesday is the last day I truely believe I felt him move inside my belly.

Tuesday the 25th of May Zeke William was delivered and we celebrated his earthly birthday admist tears and heartache knowing that he was already celebrating in heaven w/ his pawpaw, great grandma and great grandpa and his other sibling.

Tuesday the 8th of June Zeke William will be brought home where he will stay until we are able scatter his ashe's in Georgia at a private family memorial. No baby should have to come home this way. No parent should have to carry their son into the house this way. I want to smell the sweet baby smell and kiss his cute chubby cheek's not hold him in a box.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Just Breathe

If only it was that easy. .... Breathing.

We don't think about each breath we take, everytime we breathe we don't expect that to be our last. That is until we feel we can't breathe.

I have always known grief to be not only an emotional time, but I never realized it could be such a physical emotion as well. Yes we cry and we see those tears, but to actually feel like you can't breathe because you are so overwhelmed (not from crying or being hysterical) with the loss. Loosing Zeke has done that to me in a way I never imagined. It is soo physical it is scary. The only words I can muster out is "Jesus" and all I can think about is okay God I can not do this right now you HAVE to step in and help me breathe my next breath and please God just get me calmed back down.

I have never felt like I was going to hyperventilate until I lost Zeke. Crowds overwhelm me in a way they never did before. I can't handle contriversy or any form of decisions right now. The panic attaks come out of no where. Last night I was at Elijah's baseball party and the boys kept asking me for quarter's (which I totally forgot) the place started to get more crowded, before I knew it I was breathing faster and I grabbed our stuff and we all had to leave. Now once I got to car and it was just me and the boys, I calmed down the tear's started to flow but I could breathe. It is a very scary feeling and it is so hard to explain or understand. I am fine as long as David is with me, but he has worked so much this week I have had to take the boys to all their games, parties, end of school year activities and all I want to do is lock myself up in the house and never leave. And at the same time I don't want to be home by myself, if the boys are here I don't want to leave. Even now this evening the boys and David want to go out and do something, just walk around the mall or go for a drive, but I can't muster up enough nerve to leave the house. I had my outing's today w/ the baseball games and that was enough that was plenty for me and honestly I do not want to go anywhere tomorrow I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies, and stuff my face with chocolate, even tho I know I need to go to church, I just want to hide.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

my sweet baby....

Oh how I miss you little boy! I feel so empty with out you in my belly. I feel so alone even though I have been surrounded by so much love and help from family and friends. At times I feel like I am suffocating. I knew I would miss you, I knew I would hurt, but I had know idea how much I would literally and physically ache for you sweet boy. I have been working on a letter for you for days and it just never seems to be the right words that I feel for you. My heart feels like it is in a million piece's, I just can't imgine that we have to continue on w/ out you, physically here to be apart of our family. I see other babies and I wonder what you are doing and I wonder if you miss us. I know the what if 's will make me go crazy, but right now I just can't help but wonder.....

The boys are doing very well processing the loss of there brother. Malachi asked me the other day.... "Mom why does everyone else have healthy babies and we had to watch our 2 babies go to heaven? When will we have our healthy baby mom?" You know it is so hard to grieve and get through this yourself , but having to watch your other children go through it is just awful. They talk about Zeke and Charles but watching them inneract w/ eachother and miss their brother and their PawPaw is heartbreaking. They don't understand why and we just don't have the answers for them, I wish I did! This was one of things I dreaded and constantly prayed for when I found out about Zeke's complications. I never imagined my kids would have to go through so much loss in such a short amount of time. They are definatly keeping me going and they are the reason I have got out of bed in the morning's. I thank God for them, they make me laugh, they make me concentrate my thoughts on something else instead of constantly thinking about what I have lost ...... our sweet baby Zeke. Holding them when they sleep has been alot of comfort for me, they are swallowing me with bear hugs and piggy back rides since my belly is not in the way anymore.

My family is definatly keeping me going and I thank God for that, I thank God for my healthy family here in front of me...... I can't focus on everything that went wrong the last few months, why God didn't heal Zeke, but I can focus on what went right . I am a better person because of Zeke, I am a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend because of Zeke! He changed me, he showed me true, pure love like I never knew imagined. I have made better choices because of him, I have learned how to love because of Zeke. Our plans and our agenda's are not always God's and even though it is so hard to remember that, when we are able to look at the big picture we can see some of God's plan and we experience his mercy.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


My heart is heavy. I feel like my whole world has fallen to pieces. I just can't imagine being truely happy on the inside again. Yes I smile and my kids make me laugh, but right now the only emotion that feels real is sorrow. For 5 min my world seems perfect, and then I remember what we are going through. You hear stories of when 1 spouse dies and not long after the widow dies as well, they say it was from a broken heart. I never understood that sadness until now. Don't worry I am not going anywhere and I am not by any means deppressed & going to end my life. I just understand why you feel you can't go on. The grief is heavy, emotionally tiring and still so hard to believe.

"I Tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy one day." John 16:20

I thought I was handling this whole thing fairly well, no crazy outburst's last week or no uncontrollable crying. Last week I felt numb and I felt relief that it was all over. I was almost happy to the point of laughing because our nightmare had finally ended. I felt guilty for not being more upset or not being secluded in my room. I was honestly fine last week, I felt free from all the decision making, the stress of being pregnant with a sick baby. Saturday it hit me. Saturday night I cried myself to sleep. Sunday night I couldn't even lay in my bed because it reminded me of the active moments Zeke had at night, so I slept on the couch. Monday night I tried to lay down and go to bed when everyone else did, but as soon as my head that pillow the tears just started to flow and I could not control myself so back to the couch I went.

Grief is a perplexed emotion. 1 minute you are fine laughing and cutting up w/ your family and then the next minute you are crying uncontrolably. You have so many emotions running through your body you laugh when you are supposed to be sincere, you cry when something is actually funny and you get upset over the stupidest things. Like right now my kids are running around the house saying....UM UM UM! What used to be very simple to me when they are acting like silly little boys (tuning them out) is taking everybit of self control I have left. All I want to do is tell them to be quiet and snap because it is completely driving me insane, when honestly they are just being silly and are actually playing very nicely with eachother, trust me it could be a whole lot worse. LOL I burned my poptart this morning and I just sat at the table and balled like a baby. I had a whole box of poptarts I could toast, but no I wanted that poptart and it was almost black! I have made coffee the last few morning's and completely forget about it until late that night.

I know things will get better and I will learn to have a "new normal" but right now it just doesn't even seem possible.