Saturday, October 23, 2010
I debated for many months on whether or not to decorate a nursery for Zeke. We finally decided that by us decorating a nursery it was an act of faith that God could/would heal our sweet boy. We collected the crib, bassinet, swings, stroller and the car seat. We went back and forth on what bedding we liked the best and what colors we should use. The room was finished by the end of March and it looked beautiful. Everything was in its place all we were missing was the glider and our beautiful baby.
Many people questioned us on why we decorated a nursery, but what they didn't realize was it was already his room from the moment we moved to Texas. The boys picked out Zeke's room (well only by process of elimination & they chose the bigger one) lol. It had always been Zeke's room long before the crib, and the decorations went up.
Today it is still Zeke's room. I have gone back and forth about turning it into an office or separating the boys so they both have their own room, but every time I open that door, I can't do it. It is all pretty much the same minus a few things thrown in there when company showed up. ;) His clothes our still untouched in the dresser, his books are stacked up on the shelf and the toys are still sitting there waiting to be played with. The only thing that is different is him. Instead of seeing a sweet smile coming from his crib, I see his ashes sitting on his changing table.
It will be 5 months on Monday and we have all pretty much steered clear of the room and kept the door shut, until today. I walked by and I saw my boys making his bed, and putting his hospital clothes back in his dresser. They had the swing up and were putting up notes and pictures they had made him. They had a stuffed animal in his blue bumbo and Malachi had Zeke's blanket in the swing and was pushing it softly. They were pretending that he was here. It broke my heart to watch my 2 boys miss their little brother so much. They got embarrassed and then scared when they saw me, thinking I would get mad for touching his things, but I just smiled and told them it was okay, I quickly grabbed his ashes (I'm not ready to go there yet) & went to my room so they could go back to playing.
The pain is still there and I wonder how I will ever go more than a few days with out completely crying my eyes out. It still hurts so bad sometimes I can barely catch my breath, but I can say we are doing better. We are functioning like a regular family and we are adjusting. Staying busy has been key for me. The holidays are going to be hard for us all. Some days it still seems like a bad dream that doesn't end and other days it feels like we are a perfectly happy family of 4, then I feel like I got kicked in the stomach and I remember apart of us is gone and it will never be the same.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
i believe in my heart that God is a big God. in my head i don't understand how i can still love God and worship w/ my whole heart when i am sooo broken. in my head it doesn't make sense how i can love him, but that is just it he is full of unconditional love that overwhelms you, you can't help but return it. I was listening to worship music tonight and i told him, i don't understand, i don't think its fair, & i don't know how the pain and brokeness will every go away, but i have to believe even today when i don't want to that you God are bigger than any trial, and long stormy winter I have to go through. i may feel totally alone some days and just bursting with so many unanswered questions that nothing makes sense to me nothing! So I keep moving forward and trusting that you know the end of this. You know when I will start to see the spring after such a long winter and your not afraid, scared or even offended by my doubt. What I would give to just erase the last 9 months. What I would give to see a completely healthy baby on that ultrasound. The anger and the questions are still there. The questions will never be answered I know that but the acceptance is just to hard to grasp for me right now. So tonight honestly i am beyond broken and angry that my son is dead. I don't want to try and understand that it was for the best, or God had a bigger plan. Tonight my arms are empty and his nursery is quiet and it shouldn't be that way, but yet I still believe and I am choosing to still believe in a God that for whatever reason did not see fit for my baby to be healed.