Sunday, October 10, 2010
i believe in my heart that God is a big God. in my head i don't understand how i can still love God and worship w/ my whole heart when i am sooo broken. in my head it doesn't make sense how i can love him, but that is just it he is full of unconditional love that overwhelms you, you can't help but return it. I was listening to worship music tonight and i told him, i don't understand, i don't think its fair, & i don't know how the pain and brokeness will every go away, but i have to believe even today when i don't want to that you God are bigger than any trial, and long stormy winter I have to go through. i may feel totally alone some days and just bursting with so many unanswered questions that nothing makes sense to me nothing! So I keep moving forward and trusting that you know the end of this. You know when I will start to see the spring after such a long winter and your not afraid, scared or even offended by my doubt. What I would give to just erase the last 9 months. What I would give to see a completely healthy baby on that ultrasound. The anger and the questions are still there. The questions will never be answered I know that but the acceptance is just to hard to grasp for me right now. So tonight honestly i am beyond broken and angry that my son is dead. I don't want to try and understand that it was for the best, or God had a bigger plan. Tonight my arms are empty and his nursery is quiet and it shouldn't be that way, but yet I still believe and I am choosing to still believe in a God that for whatever reason did not see fit for my baby to be healed.