Monday, August 2, 2010


It is supposed to get easier as the days go by. I thought I was actually doing very good considering all that has happened and then my faith got tested. It is easy for us to believe in God but to trust him.....that is a whole different level of a relationship. I believe God loves me w/ all his heart and I believe he knows what is best for me and my family. I truly do, but trusting him has been so hard! I went down to Church of his Presence in Daphne Alabama Thursday night. I wanted to be in his presence and see him move mightily. What I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to watch other people be healed and get their miracle. I just sat there and cried because my heart hurt so badly. I prayed and I know so many other's prayed as well and I just felt robbed sitting there hearing all the testimony's. I wasn't angry, I was just sad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I am clinging on to the rock. I have built my life and my relationship on the rock. I know in my heart of hearts that God loves me and wants the best for me, right now I just feel betrayed and everything I thought I wanted for my life is now a blur. I know it is apart of the grieving process and now we just have to sit back and reevaluate things, don't make any rash decisions. I have to do my best in trying to trust God even though I don't want to right now. So what is trust now that you have lost someone so precious? How do you rebound from that and not harbor jealousy or resentment for anyone who has what you wanted more than anything... a healthy baby

I do not feel depressed, I have been there and this is different. This is grief. I am grieving over the loss of my son. It comes in waves some days are better than others and some days are not so great. I know each day will get better and I know that I will learn to cope each day better than the day before. I think I am just blown away that even 2 months later how one day I can be totally fine ... almost normal and then the next day I am a complete wreck and can barely get dressed. I can see babies and smile, I can talk about Zeke and everything that happened and not shed a tear, but get me alone and look me straight in the eye and honestly ask me how I am & I will fall apart.


  1. I am so glad to hear that you never gave up even when it seemed so hopless, because God is our hope and he lead you right slap in the middle of it. I know in my heart that baby Zeke is watching from the windows of heaven and saying to his heavenly Father WOW! that's my parents I cant wait to meet them please take care of them just as you do me. My mom is the BEST and you did well by her and I'm so glad she didnt give up on me or you. Keep her strong in you Father because I now long for her to share in my life here with you, but until that day comes know this mommy "I Love you" more than you will ever know and I am doing just fine. Thank you for giving me "LIFE" not the life as you know but which I know and you will someday soon in my Fathe's time. Until then mommy rest in the thought that we will see each other very soon mommy very soon.... love Zeke

    God Bless each of you!
    In Christ Jesus

  2. wow thank you! thank you so much! I couldn't of read that at a more perfect time then right now. thank you!