I do not feel depressed, I have been there and this is different. This is grief. I am grieving over the loss of my son. It comes in waves some days are better than others and some days are not so great. I know each day will get better and I know that I will learn to cope each day better than the day before. I think I am just blown away that even 2 months later how one day I can be totally fine ... almost normal and then the next day I am a complete wreck and can barely get dressed. I can see babies and smile, I can talk about Zeke and everything that happened and not shed a tear, but get me alone and look me straight in the eye and honestly ask me how I am & I will fall apart.
Monday, August 2, 2010
It is supposed to get easier as the days go by. I thought I was actually doing very good considering all that has happened and then my faith got tested. It is easy for us to believe in God but to trust him.....that is a whole different level of a relationship. I believe God loves me w/ all his heart and I believe he knows what is best for me and my family. I truly do, but trusting him has been so hard! I went down to Church of his Presence in Daphne Alabama Thursday night. I wanted to be in his presence and see him move mightily. What I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to watch other people be healed and get their miracle. I just sat there and cried because my heart hurt so badly. I prayed and I know so many other's prayed as well and I just felt robbed sitting there hearing all the testimony's. I wasn't angry, I was just sad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I am clinging on to the rock. I have built my life and my relationship on the rock. I know in my heart of hearts that God loves me and wants the best for me, right now I just feel betrayed and everything I thought I wanted for my life is now a blur. I know it is apart of the grieving process and now we just have to sit back and reevaluate things, don't make any rash decisions. I have to do my best in trying to trust God even though I don't want to right now. So what is trust now that you have lost someone so precious? How do you rebound from that and not harbor jealousy or resentment for anyone who has what you wanted more than anything... a healthy baby