Thanksgiving

Well we are here.

Found this it never got posted......

It is officially the holidays! Apart of me is excited & another part of me is sad. On a day when you are supposed to be thankful, I am having to remind myself to be happy for what we do have, when all I have though about is who is not here this year. We are missing 2 people. The first of everything is hard after you have lost a loved one. Not only is it the first holiday w/ out Zeke who would be 6 months old tomorrow, it is the first holiday in Texas and it is the first holiday w/ out Charles, David's dad. Thanksgiving also marks the anniversary for my grandpa who passed away 16 years ago on Thanksgiving morning.

I am sooooo happy that my parents and my sister are on their way right now to spend the holiday with us. I have been dreading the holiday season. I miss my baby and the thought of this being his first holiday is really hard. We should be sneaking him some turkey, and pumpkin pie in his mouth this year.

no catchy title 2day

Its been a rough week for me. I want to write, but honestly I have no words to express how I feel. I am getting good at "pretending" to be just fine and to keep those walls up. Then I walk into church or I come home and stop moving and I fall apart. I am learning to walk this path of grief and every day is a new day filled w/ different emotions & triggers.

Elijah turned 8 and I caught myself looking at his baby pictures and imaging that is exactly what Zeke looked like. David had his birthday and Zeke wasn't here w/ us. The nightmare is still going on, but we have moments where it seems like we are in such a fog that we feel normal for awhile and then all of a sudden we "wake up" and it all comes flooding back, & I ask myself all over again..... Did I really carry a child for 9 months? Was he really stillborn? Did I really have to sign a death certificate and sign it "mother"?

Grief is different for everyone and just because someone is grieving a different way or coping an odd way doesn't mean they are not suffering a great loss. We just want to be heard, we just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am so afraid he will be forgotten and I can't talk about him. I am so afraid that I have to push this sadness under the rug because my "time limit" of being sad has expired.