Friday, November 5, 2010

no catchy title 2day

Its been a rough week for me. I want to write, but honestly I have no words to express how I feel. I am getting good at "pretending" to be just fine and to keep those walls up. Then I walk into church or I come home and stop moving and I fall apart. I am learning to walk this path of grief and every day is a new day filled w/ different emotions & triggers.

Elijah turned 8 and I caught myself looking at his baby pictures and imaging that is exactly what Zeke looked like. David had his birthday and Zeke wasn't here w/ us. The nightmare is still going on, but we have moments where it seems like we are in such a fog that we feel normal for awhile and then all of a sudden we "wake up" and it all comes flooding back, & I ask myself all over again..... Did I really carry a child for 9 months? Was he really stillborn? Did I really have to sign a death certificate and sign it "mother"?

Grief is different for everyone and just because someone is grieving a different way or coping an odd way doesn't mean they are not suffering a great loss. We just want to be heard, we just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am so afraid he will be forgotten and I can't talk about him. I am so afraid that I have to push this sadness under the rug because my "time limit" of being sad has expired.

1 comment:

  1. Stefani, I've often thought that the worst part of this sort of tragedy is that people FORGET someone a mother could never forget.

    My mother lost twins to prematurity several years before I was born,and she NEVER stopped talking about them. I grew up knowing I had two sisters who died at birth. When Emily had her twins, Mom was thrilled. Her mind was slipping pretty badly by then, but any time I mentioned Emily to her, she'd just light up and remind me that Emily had twins, just like she did. It was precious. I keep a picture of her with the twins on my mantle. It was taken the only time she ever got to see them. I've already told them about their great-grandmother and how she had twins too, and was so happy when they (Emily's twins) were born.

    So, keep Zeke "alive" in your heart and to everyone around you. It's ok to talk about him. He's your little boy. He deserves to be remembered. (((hugs)))

    Love you girl, and I am very proud of you!