Sunday, January 9, 2011

A year later

I can't believe I am sitting here 1 year after my whole world was changed. It was on that dreadful day last January when we found out that Zeke was not the healthy baby we dreamed of. Friday was a rough day it was exactly 1 year since I got that dreadful diagnosis that our sweet baby was severely sick & our life would never be the same.

WOW ! Honestly I am shocked and surprised that we made it. That is probably bad of me to say, but honestly I remember those morning's w/ my tear stained pillow & hugging my belly just screaming out in grief convinced I would not get through the next day. Those countless doctor visits and the joy of hearing his strong heartbeat each week that the doctor's didn't expect. We survived & we are learning how to move on & keep going. I have thrown my focus, my grief into nursing school & boy am I scared, but you know what I have learned through all this ......It is when you are in the fire that your true character shines. I am far from perfect I still get anxious and have anxiety attacks, I still cry uncontrollably some days over my baby boy, but God is carrying me through this it is his footprints in the sand next to mine and just like he walked w/ me through the death of Zeke he will still be here & help me get through school.

The worst year of our life & here we are finally on the other side looking back. We are not walking back into another doctor's office to hear that long list of things wrong w/ our sweet baby. We got thru those days that I never thought would end. I didn't think I would ever say this but apart of me misses those days, and I only say that because that is when we still had faith that he would be healed and come home w/ us to join our family. That is when I felt his sweet kicks when I ate those green olives & fruit smoothies. It was how quiet he got when I ate Mexican food. Those evenings when I lay ed on my left side in bed and he would kick me over and over like he was talking to me. I miss him so much and I will always miss him. There are days that so painful like it feels as if I just delivered him and then the next day it will be full of laughs and silly stories of being pregnant w/ Zeke.

I am excited for a new year and for all the things that we have ahead of us, but then I am sad. I am sad because we are starting a year that doesn't include Zeke. A year with new adventure's and new stories that don't include him and that hurts. We have talked about trying for another baby but I am just so scared to be pregnant again that if I could just come home w/ a baby I would do it tomorrow but being pregnant is petrifying for me. We want more kids & we are sad that their will be such a big gap between the boys and the next baby that is not what we wanted but we can't change that & I am not going to rush to get pregnant just so my kids are not 10 years apart.

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