Monday, May 4, 2009

i have joined the unwanted club..........

Well here i am on this blog and i dont really know what to say except that i know a big part of my grieving process is journaling and i figured i would go this route instead of in my personal journal. Not because i want everyone in my buisness, but because i know i am not the only one that feels this way and maybe you can relate.

I lost my baby! The baby that was clinging to life inside my body, the baby that needed me 2 survive.The baby that david and i were not planning to have, the baby that was so wanted and loved, the baby that would of had the best big brothers in the world., the baby that was supposed to be here on Christmas Day, I lost our baby!

I dont know how exactly i am supposed to feel, but i think i am feeling it all. I feel hurt, angry, sad, confused, shocked. How do you grieve for a baby you have never met? How do you grieve for something as little and as tiny as that baby? What is the good out of all this? I dont see the big picture and yes God does, but why does he let us hurt so bad is that his way of getting us to look forward 2 heaven that much more? Does he really shed tears for us when we also are grieving? Why does he put himself through all that if he knows it is all gonna happen in the end? Dont get me wrong i am not questioning my faith i love God and I know deep down he has a purpose and a plan for my life, but why does life have to suck so much at times when we dont think it could be worse? Has he forgoten what a crappy year i have had and how much pain and turmoil it has been. Why does it all have to happen together. Yes everything that has happened has made me stronger in the long run but i have not forgotten how much it sucked going thru it. Can he not have a little sympathy and spread it out over the course of my life? I dont believe that saying people say "oh well God only gives you as much as you can handle" I am sorry thats crap because I could live my life and days very happy and fullfilled with out the loss of my baby and other famiily loss. I can not imagine how people handle the loss of a child they have held and loved and talked to! I know we came very close to loosing Malachi when he was a baby and i know i had never prayed so hard for him to live and God heard me then and I thank God so much for answering my prayers, but why didnt he answer this prayer? I asked him to save this baby like my last and he didnt answer. Well he didnt answer in the way i thought he would. His answer was different than what i had in mind. What makes one prayer get answered that the other one doesn't? Is it because it because my realationship is not that strong? I am not crazy radically sold out to God like i used to? I love God as passionatly as i did when i got saved, but know instead of praying and reading my bible in the morning with a cup of coffee I have to do it in the carpool line or driving in the car. Why do i feel guilty that it is not the quality time it used to be? Am i being punished for not praying as much or as hard? I know others have it so much worse than i do and i know i was not that far along as others have been when they have lost their baby, but it doesnt make the pain any less real for me. This sucks! And I feel like i screwed up, wondering what i did wrong with this pregnancy. and logically i know i didnt do anything wrong or i could of prevented it, but emotionally i do feel at fault. I had 2 wonderful pregnancy's with the boys and i couldnt carry this baby what happend? yeah yeah your thinking it was not a healthy baby and this was natures way of taking care of it, but why wasnt it healthy? I know all this is something that i can ask God when I get 2 heaven and I can add it to the long list of ?'s I have for him, it doesnt help me now.

All I can think of right now is that our baby is dancing and playing with my grandpa and with nannie. I will one day see my baby in heaven and i one day will get to hold my baby, knowing that tho doesnt make the pain any easier, I wanted that baby more than i ever thought i wanted a baby

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