I have started nesting. I was obsessed w/ getting his room ready yesterday. We cleaned it out & started unpacking the baby stuff we have been collecting. (thanks to Craig's List) I started to put together somethings and get toys and blankets cleaned. I have been looking everywhere for a bedding set I like. I think I found one @ Target, but I am just not sure if it is "The ONE". You can't help but smile when you look at all the cute baby stuff & clothes. David was laughing last night after we got the changing table and say ed "you know what this little boy is already SO spoiled and he isn't even here yet!" We are so excited to get ready for him. I never did a nursery w/ the boys so this time we are going all out! I have the matching furniture,and I found a Glider I want to order for those late night feedings. Just as we are preparing for his homecoming we are also preparing for what might be along stay at the hospital. I have to call our insurance company this week and find out what is covered w/ NICU charges and all that it includes, I need to register at the hospital and find pediatric surgeon's and start making a list of questions to ask before he is born. I am having to continue my weekly doctor visits which seem to be my worst days. This should not be included in the preparation of a sweet little baby, but in our world it HAS to be done, along w/ a layette for a preemie and all the gadgets and gear you want to buy and have on hand for him.
I was on my way to bed last night, I peeked in his room & I started to cry. I sat there in the door way & silently cried my heart out. I asked God if Zeke would ever see this room that we made for him? If he would get to play in the jumperoo or lay in his handsome sleigh crib? I just don't know the answer & there is nothing I can do to change my situation or the outcome. Waiting for Zeke to come & being completely helpless in saving your son is SO frustrating. At the beginning (17 weeks) I say ed I wanted to know his diagnosis so I could prepare for his birth or for his death. Now at 28 weeks I don't want to know. I just want to enjoy his kicks & flips in my belly. I want to make a nursery, build a registry, talk about late night feedings and listen to his brothers fight over who is going to hold him while they watch sponge bob together. Some people may think we are in a fantasy world right now & maybe we are, but you can never hide from the truth. The truth is we don't know what will happen w/ Zeke. A few weeks ago I kept going back and forth about getting all this baby stuff, because honestly I didn't want to come home from the hospital and see all of his stuff w/ an empty belly and no baby in my arms. God told me very softly .... Do not be afraid of tomorrow, but live for today. We are living for Today! No one knows how long they will live and no one knows when they will take their last breath. I don't know for sure that Elijah and Malachi will live a very long and happy life (oh God how I pray that they do) but everything can change in an instant. So we are living today for Zeke, we are living today w/ 3 beautiful boys in our life.
I don't know what the future holds, I would be lying if I told you I wasn't scared to death for June to come. I feel like I am living in a bubble of being just another pregnant woman having a baby boy, but just as I see another pregnant woman I become so jealous of her "healthy" pregnancy that I can't help but be reminded of our situation & the scary unknown that it brings to our life. So tonight all I can do is Hope that he will live. I have to have Hope that his daddy will get to teach his to play baseball and his big brother's can build forts together. We have to have faith that God will take care of us. Faith that he knows what lies ahead of us in the days to come. Faith that even tho we don't know the number of Zeke's days, God does.