I have been suprised by myself lately. I thank God for walking beside me, I have been very happy, up beat & positive about Zeke & everything that we have been going thru. I was just convinced that it will all work out for the good. Zeke will be healed & we will watch him grow up & be a testimony to all. Even this morning I was dreaming about having him home w/ us & watching him play w/ the boys.
As quick as you could turn off a light switch it all changed. I have been so angry tonight & so petrifried of what the future holds for us I could barely function this evening. I just would go to my room in between doing things for the boys & I lay down & cry my heart out. I have tears of pain soakin my pillow now as I wrote this. I can't explain it as well as I would like, but I can say it is a smothering
pain & it feels like someone has something tied really tight around my chest. As quick as the anger come's it goes away & is filled w/ such heartache & guilt I can't even function.I keep going back and forth between those 2 feelings. I feel like I have totally wasted a great evening w/ my family because of my terriable reactions to anything they have sayed. I have been rude, short tempered, & completly impatient. I feel like if somebody would just shake me real hard & real fast maybe they will snap me out of this mood.
I got a bill from my doctor today stating my insurance coverage which seems to have gone from no deductible to $1,000, has to be paid immediatly. I don't have the funds to just cut them a check & I have no idea were I will get the money. I admit that probably put me over the edge & here comes my brutal honesty...... The first thing that popped into my head was "I have to now pay $1,000 to hold my son who is just going to die." I have 2 healthy boys & I didn't have to pay that for them but yet now w/ Zeke's prognosis I have had to pay more out of pocket each visit & each ultrasound just for him to not survive. How wrong & how horiable is that of me to think, but I would be lying if I told you I didn't. The stress of money now just makes this burden way to heavy to bare. They want me to have an ultrasound evey 2 weeks but then that means I have to pay for an ultrasound every 2 weeks & we have 15 weeks to go yet on top o my hospital deductibal!!! I know I need to pray & trust God but let's be honest sometimes that is just to hard to do when you are faced with so much @ 1 time. I know God will take care of us, but as you all know the stress of money just brings a totally different level stress then what you would of felt before. I should not have to choose to have an ultrasound because I can't pay for it, but that is what it is coming to. I should not be wide awake @ 3am considering canceling my ultrasound in the morning, because I can't afford another payment right now. I should be able to enjoy this time w/ Zeke, I should be able to enjoy watching him on the screen every 2 weeks, not thinking in the back of my head of all the $$$ signs it it is costing us to do so.
For those of you who know there has been NOTHING easy about this pregnancy. It has been such a struggle everywhere we turn. And now w/ the money stress thrown into it I just can't handle much more. When Zeke is born & he has to overcome all of those surgery's & who knows how long he will have to stay in the hospital the bills will get even higher. I know I should not be stressing about it now, but how can I not think of it. I know God is there even tho I feel all alone tonight & I am asking for strength, wisdom, & sleep, but it just seems out of my reach. I know God is here w/ me I just am feeling pain & that is okay to feel. I have learned that I don't have to be strong all the time. Tonight is one of those nights I have not been strong.