Thursday, July 8, 2010

he should be here

He should be here. He should be sleeping in his daddy's arms & going to the store and run errands with his mommy during the day.He should be playing on the floor w/ his toys or watching veggie tales on TV. I should be exhausted from nursing & late night feedings. My mom & dad came over the 4 th of July & I kept thinking about how he should be here w/ us. The tickle monster (grandpa) should of been playing with 3 boys not 2! Why isn't Zeke here w/ us? Oh my gosh this is truly not just a nightmare but my life! Yes some days I'm still in serious denial & some days are better than others. But It still feels like a nightmare.

Elijah & Malachi are gone visiting their grandparents in Florida & Georgia, Davids working & its just me @ home. It shouldn't be! I should be savoring all the sweet moments with just Zeke while his brothers are gone for a few weeks. We should be vegging out on the couch watching TV in between feedings and naps. I should be rocking him to sleep at night instead of staying up crying and staring at his footprints. Every day that goes by the worse it is. The more real it is, but yet it is so awful it can't be real! I don't think about the day or I wont be able to get out of bed.

I want another baby so bad, not to replace Zeke @ all, but then I don't want to rush into anything either. There are things I want to do before we try for another baby. I really thought his whole situation would scare me and David to not want to have anymore kids, instead it has done the opposite. The jealousy is getting very strong except its nothing minor like wanting to get the same cute jacket like my friend has. Its a baby, like that is gonna make all my pain go away.... I'm not that naive I know it wont help ! I just want to fix this, I want to make it all better. The loneliness is hard, even when I am surrounded by my family like the 4th of July. I still felt so empty and lonely it was so hard to smile.

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