Monday, July 19, 2010

It doesn't make sense

Today I am scared and tired.

Scared I will never get past the loss of Zeke. Not that I want to forget him, but I am scared my heart and my body will physically ache for him forever. It is tiring, draining. and exhausting. The bummer of it is.... I can't seem to sleep at all! I am so tired but can't sleep.

I have a lot on my mind, but don't really know how to put it in words, surprising huh. LOL I just keep thinking about him and the longer it goes by the worse the pain is. Some days are harder than other's, someday's I laugh a lot and other days I just feel blah. I have learned that happiness is not living with out pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

I heard this on a show the other day and thanks to the DVR I was able to put it in slow motion so I could write it down..

"There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness but of power, they are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. " Washington Irving.

I loved my baby so much and my tears have now turned to prayers to God. I can not do this alone and am so thankful that God is not expecting me to act a certain way or do a certain thing. He just wants me to come to him. I don't have to quote scripture or say all these amazing prayers. He is just as happy w/ my tears as my words. He would rather walk in with me in the dark and me just cry, then me walk away from him at night.

I have been watching a lot of baby shows. You might think that I am crazy and how can I do that after loosing Zeke. But in away some days it helps. It helps me keep his memory alive and see that not all babies are sick and if they are sick, they don't always die some prayers are answered. I know that sounds weird, maybe it makes it worse, I don't know some days it is to hard to see a baby. Other days it is so comforting to see that baby's are born healthy and come home w/ their mommy's. It all made sense until I wrote it down, now I think I am just going crazy ....

1 comment:

  1. You're not going crazy. You're just going through the grieving process. Don't worry, every day you heal a little more (just some days more than others) I'm glad you realize that God doesn't "expect" you to act a certain way. He loves and accepts you just as you are. (((hugs)))