Sunday, July 11, 2010

Jesus Wept

I am awake! Every night this week I have been awake well past 2am. At first I didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares I would have about the day of delivery. Now I don't want to sleep because of the dreams I have of Zeke. My dreams are so sweet and perfect I don't want to wake up, but when I do wake up the realization of it being a dream is SOO hard and I am reminded of my nightmare. The tears and the sadness are just awful. Its like in the beginning when I first found out about Zeke's diagnosis, I would dream of him being happy and healthy and then I would wake up and remember how sick he truly was.

Jesus Wept. So many people think we have to be happy, always be positive and never be angry or sad. Why is that? Who told us that? Jesus wept, he cried. He got angry and he got sad. So why do we think that we can't have those emotions to? Why do we think we can hide our feelings from God? ahh duh he already knows what were thinking, and how were feeling. Just because we do not come out and speak it verbally doesn't mean we can keep it from God. So why are so many of us ashamed to weep, yell, be angry? There is nothing wrong w/ working through our emotions as long as we do it in a healthy way. Why do so many people keep them bottled up and hidden? Why has our society made us feel like we can't be honest with our self and with others about how we truly feel?

Grief is an ongoing process. There isn't an end date or a magical day you just wake up and poof you feel better and are not sad anymore. You have good days and you have bad days. You have good mornings and you have bad nights. Its never the same. It seems the longer it has been the more real it is and that is what is hard for me. The shock has wore off and the realization that he truly is gone has hit me. I will be okay and I truly believe that. I have sad days and I have sleepless nights but I am not alone. God is with me when I cry and when I punch the pillows in anger. He is still here when I yell at him for not saving my baby. He is here with me no matter where my emotions are, no matter how I feel he hasn't left and that is SO comforting. That is what is getting me through this. I do not know how anyone can get through grief with out a relationship with God.

1 comment:

  1. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I can't imagine the burden you are carrying, I am a mom of boys myself. I just wanted to tell you that your faith in the Lord through the dark times is an amazing encouragement to me. When I am tired or overwhelmed by my baby I think of you and it reminds me to be grateful even when I'm worn out. I just wanted to praise you for the immense impact you've had on how much I treasure even the challenging times as a mother. You have impacted my life, for the better, in ways you'll never know. I will never forget your story, your struggle, and your precious baby Zeke. My life is forever changed from reading you blog. Thank you for sharing and for you honesty, may God give you comfort and healing. Hugs! <3