I think I am in denial, shock, acceptance, & hope all at the same time if that is @ all possible. I went in to the doctor's office with 2 angels on either side of me ready to take on whatever the doctor told me good or bad about Zeke. I came out of the doctor's office wondering what happened to those angels, I know they were there but I sure didn't feel them as strong as I did when I walked in.
Zeke is in position for birth, My placenta is covered in calcium deposits, & he is not growing. He isn't even growing an ounce a week! He is only 14 oz when he should be close to 32oz. I know alot of people have said that babies can survive if they are born at 26 weeks, but Zeke is in a totally different category unfortunately. I maybe 26 weeks pregnant but he is only the size of an 18 week pregnancy. In order for him to have even a fighting chance he needs to be big enough to be inti bated & he is not even close. They want him at least to be 24+ oz in order to get the tube's down him. He is not going to be a strong preemie. If I do go into labor like they expect this will be a death sentence for him & us if he does not weigh enough. I am not ready to say goodbye to him yet, not that I ever will be ready. He deserves a chance to fight just like he has in my belly!
I really thought we had hope, I really thought the doctor's might of been crazy & we were going to bring home a healthy baby. Sitting here tonight I don't think that. I know God can still heal him & I know that it is not finished until his heart stops beating, but honestly it just feels like we are nearing the end. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, & I am so overwhelmed w/ grief & stress it is beyond exhausting! I am exhausted w/ just being pregnant in itself, but then the stress of his health has just turned into more exhaustion that doesn't go away no matter how early I go to bed or how late I sleep in the next morning. I am drained, I am tired and I am scared.
I just wanted you all to know were we are at after the doctor's appt. We are very scared tonight. We are not giving up, We are not giving up @ all!! We still believe and trust God, but we are tired. Tired of this fire & tired of the roller coaster. I have lived w/ one of those "crying" headaches for 2 months now. I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring, but like my grandma says .... "dont be afraid of tomorrow, because God is already there". Thank God for that! I thank him for not only holding my hand, but for carrying me through this fire.
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You are such an amazing woman Stef. Really. I don't think I could've walked through such difficult circumstances with a fraction of the grace and strength you have. It is obvious that the Lord is sustaining you guys, even if you can't feel it. I so appreciate your honesty, bravery has nothing to do with the absence of fear but the decision to stand against whatever is coming at you. This world is cruel and unfair, unjust and so confusing. One day we will know as we are known, but for now... hold on. Hugs and continual prayers.
ReplyDeleteA few months ago, I read your post on the What to Expect messageboard. Since then, you have often been in my thoughts and prayers. Your courage, strength and honesty are humbling and inspiring. I pray that God will continue to guide you through this experience. Please know that you and your baby have already touched lives. I believe we all have a purpose and while we may not always know what that purpose is, God does.
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