I finally called & made an appt with my OB today. I keep putting it off & since I was just in last week for the ultrasound I just felt like I needed a break. A break from all the deliriously happy healthy pregnant woman. A break from hearing "bad news". A break from living inside my bubble.
I had another ultrasound last week and we are very excited to say Zeke DOUBLED IN SIZE! Praise God! He now weighs in @...... drum roll please =) 1 pound and 9 ounces!! He is now big enough to be inti bated and we could not be happier! The doctor told me very casually that he is now in the 5th percentile for weight, I smiled and told her well at least he is on the board! He has never been on the board before!! She laughed a little and agreed with me. His brain looks good, the fluid in his heart is not as severe & the fluid in his lungs is stable. Yes he is 1/2 the size he should be but he is growing and that is what they want to see. David and I were talking later that night & figured it was okay if I did not have another 9 pound baby like Elijah and Malachi (hehe). It is looking like I could have a 5 or 6 pound baby and I just don't understand why the doctor's think that is such a big deal. They did not see any other abnormalities she kept saying that it looks like I am just 5 weeks behind, kinda like my due date shouldn't be until the end of July. Other than that Zeke is still alive and unlike what they said I am 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow and his heart is still beating strong! (They expected him to die or for me to go into labor by the 28th week)
I have had some good weeks lately & then they seem to follow quite a few bad days. Even considering our happy ultrasound results, but I have feeling it just has to do w/ me coming to the end of his pregnancy. I am finishing up his nursery & still can't believe that i only have 8 weeks left until his due date. 8 WEEKS.... until we finally know what is going on, until we get to hold our precious baby boy in our arms, until we are faced w/ our future. As each day gets closer the more I think & wonder what is really going on inside my belly. He seems to be getting more active in the last week which is a great feeling. Some days I wish I would of done the amnio just so I could have some answers. Today I believe the "what ifs" in this trial are so much harder then having an actual answer.
I just finished reading a book & she made the comment after her daughter died. "The number of days in her life hadn't mattered nearly as much as the life in her days."
How true is that. It amazes me how much Zeke has done already and he isn't even born yet. No matter what the outcome is in 8 weeks he has brought me closer to God and my family, because of that I will always be forever grateful. I have to choose to let God use this trial for whatever he has planned. I have to believe that something beautiful & wonderful will come out of these agonizing months of pregnancy. I have chosen to carry him & I am grateful that God has chosen me to be his mother. Every day brings different emotions and every day brings different fears, but in my heart I know that God is God. He knew before I was even formed in my mother's womb that I would one day be facing this great trial. I have often asked Why me? in the beginning and I have thought of that to be a bad thing. Why God are you making me go through this? Today as we get closer to his due date & my relationship w/ God gets stronger I have begun to ask it in a different way. I have chosen to feel honored that I am Zeke's mother. I have to choose to let God work through me w/ whatever his plans are when it comes to Zeke. We have to trust and believe God that in the end it is All worth it and to never let go of his promise.