Here I am again back @ the hospital! 2nd time in a week & I am exauhsted! They don't really know what is going on but I keep having these "dizziness" spells so far nothing has shown up on blood work & my blood preasure is not extremly high. So just like everything else w/ this pregnancy we have more unanswered questions. Last week I was having such terriable pains it took my breath away, they have subsided a little bit thanks to a prescription, but still painful. Today I was @ work & when I stood up i was having blurred vision, hot flashes & major dizzy spells. So back to the hospital we go!
This has been nothing short of challenging but this week it has been hard, really hard. I went from getting bad news every 2-4 weeks @ an ultrasound to the last 3 weeks hitting a wall everytime I finally catch my breathe from the last set of new information. I'm tired, emotional, stressed, & I am ready to celebrate the 4th of July.
I am worn out. I have stayed away from my blog for a week or so just cause I'm so down, & I'm so frusterated w/ life & I won't lie I question God's plan in all this. It is so hard to be on the recieving end Sometimes of all the pep talks & prayers & sweet words. I am so thankful for them I honestly am, but I feel guilty because lately I don't believe that it will be okay & I will have a reason to smile again. I have been killing my iPod w/ the song by Josh Wilson called before the morning. Not so much because I believe it but because I have to keep reminding myself that God does love me & I will get thru this eventually. Some other songs I hear make me so mad, because the lyrics make it sound sooo easy to ask God for something & you shall recieve it. Ask him to raise the dead & he will do it, ask him to heal you & he will do it. Ask him just ask him. He is not a genie bottle & weren't we taught as kids life sucks sometimes & u dont always get what you want. So why do we think we will get them now? Don't get me wrong I understand the meaning behind it I do, but when you are going thru the crap like we are somedays it's just not that easy. It's not like asking for a new pair of shoes for Christmas, yes he can get me those shoes just as easy as he can heal Zeke,but is it HIS plan to heal Zeke? Is my future testimony going to be about Zeke's healing or is it going to be about surving this trial & Zeke not making it? Nobody knows. So as I sit here in the hospital hearing all the newborn cry's yes I am full of doubt right now. I don't see how this can turn out anyother way than what the doctor says. Now tomorrow I maybe full of faith again, but right now I am drowning in fear & anger of what looks to be my future.