Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I am wanting to let everyone know that I may be strong and optimistic 1 day (like yesterday) & then completly pesimistic the next (today). I am honored that so many people think I am so strong, but honestly I am barely hanging on! Today my eyes were full of tears. Today I felt suffocated & in complete despair. Today I felt like I was drowning & my whole world was crashing around me. I stood in my classroom watching my kids in complete caios & all I could do was stand there & cry. I cried this morning in the middle of my class! I have not felt such overwhelming sense of hopelessness since January 7th @ the first ultrasound. It felt like the next hour was a lifetime away & I had NO idea how I was gonna pull it together. If I could of left my class (I have no assistant) I would of gone straight to my boss & quit. I did not see how I could get thru the next few weeks workin there let alone the rest of the day. I left for my break today & I cried my eyes out the whole time I was gone! I say all that to say I'm only human, I am still sooo scared & petrified I don't know how I am going to get thru the next min let alone the next 4 weeks. Strength is not running away it is accepting things head on & walking it out but today I wanted to run away I wanted to run away so bad I could barely breathe. If it wasn't for God & God alone I wouldn't of been able to get as far in this trial as I have, but it is also far from over & I can only imagine that the emotions will get stronger & harder to deal with. I just pray I can keep it together while I am at work & when I am with my kids. I pray I keep looking to God & that I don't turn angry & hopeless towards the one that has brought me this far.