It has been a little over 48 hours since we were devastated w/ the news of Zeke's future. It is amazing how many emotions you can feel in such a short amount of time. I have been crying out to God one second & then wanting to laugh @ the doctor's because Zeke is just punching my insides as I cry. Last night was hard, actually that is an understatement it was excruciating! David and the boys were watching a movie together & I went back to our bedroom w/ the pitch blackness it brought me & crawled under the covers & just cried. I soaked my pillow on both sides in what felt like a matter of min. I know I am not the first person who has gone thru something like this & I know I wont be the last, but there is NOTHING you can do to prepare yourself for the agonizing, helpless grief that you encounter. The heaviness was indescribable last night that I honestly didn't think I was going to survive the pain and the worst part is I haven't even held him in my arms yet.
We ended up not telling the boys last night. We decided they needed a good night sleep before their first baseball game this morning & honestly we just couldn't do it. It all worked out because when David and I woke up this morning, the weight had lifted some & we both felt better. I can't explain it yes I was still in shock, even grief stricken but I felt peaceful. I can honestly tell you I felt God's arms around me when I woke up. Not to say it was all going to be okay, more like today I can breathe and today I will focus on Elijah & Malachi's baseball games. Lord help me hold the tears back I don't want to explain to any of the "new parents" I just met why I am a basket case. I got up, took a shower hoping it would wash away all the pain I felt, I got dressed & yes I will tell you I just stood there looking at my maternity clothes wondering how much longer I will wear them.... You know what felt the best? Putting on make up! =) I admit it took a couple applications to cover up my swollen dark circles but I finally got it. Before I knew it I was on my way out the door laughing @ Malachi in his baseball clothes because they where WAY to big for him. I say this for 1 reason. I could not of gotten through this day if it were not for God & for all the people that are praying for us. I always wondered if you could tell that prayers were being sent your way. You can. You feel it when you can get out of bed & when you can get dressed in the morning. You can feel the prayers helping you survive 2 team pictures & 2 baseball games. You can feel the prayers when you are standing next to the ball field wondering if the next time your out there your belly & your arms will be empty, and your eyes don't well up w/ tears.
Music is the way I process things. I feel God talking to me thru songs & I know that when I come across the right one it is God and God alone speaking directly to me. There have been many times when I have been going thru these last few months that I just don't know what to say to God so I play a play list on my ipod that describes how I feel going thru this tough time with Zeke. I have added a play list with a few songs that have spoken to me the most or describe how I feel right now. I hope they bless you and minister to you like they have me.
We are meeting with my regular OB Monday afternoon for a second opinion. We really feel that after last night its not over. Zeke still has a chance at life & if I can take care of myself for a few more weeks w/ my OB's aproval & guidance we will continue for as long as I can. David told me this morning that the doctor's have told me countless times that I wouldn't make it to 20 weeks & I did. They said he would die before 25 weeks & he didn't. They told me no way would he survive inutero past 30 weeks @ the size he is, he has! They pushed me to have the amnio so I could make an educated decision on whether to terminate him or not. They have constantly told me everything bad about him. They have called him an anomolly and a fetus even @ 30 weeks. Zeke deserves every chance at life that he can get. These last few days he has been kicking and moving so much it is like he is telling me not to give up yet. Many people have told me that I am going to hear bad news about Zeke up until the VERY end & then BAM God will heal him at the very end. Maybe that is true, maybe it is not but I have to try. I have to give my little boy every chance that he deserves to fight.