You think your doing okay considering the prognosis of Zeke & then BAM out of no where you get hit w/ emotions that you don't even understand. From the moment I woke up today I just felt burden down & sad. I can't explain it really I just was walking in a cloud today. I cried for no reason during church, after church on the way home & while I was @ walmart this afternoon. I had to make myself do an Easter egg hunt for the boys. Finally @ 630 I mustered up enough courage & strength. We ended up having some great laughs but I just didn't feel right even during the laughter I would stop & think.
Then it dawned on me this is the 2nd Easter in a row I have been pregnant. I had a feeling last year this same weekend that I was pregnant but didn't take a test until a few days later. It was a few days before Mother's Day when we lost our baby. A year later & I am pregnant again, & in a sense like last year I feel like I'm in the same position. Now I'm not saying I expect Zeke to die NO I am trying to believe he will live. Zeke Has to LIVE, but all my doctors expect him to die. Whats different from last year? As horiable & agonizing as it was to go thru such a painful miscariage @ least it was all over within a few weeks. Today I have been carrying this impending what if since the middle of December, 4 months & I still have 2 more to go.
I'm scared. I am sooo tired. This weekend I threw myself into working on his nursery because I felt like that would make me have HOPE & Faith today. My heart is heavy today & ever since I left that childrens hospital I can't help but imagine my little baby living there fighting for his life at just a mere 2lbs. His room looks beautiful but I can't help but wonder if he will ever use it or will it turn into a shrine or something painful I will have to walk by everyday after he is gone. I think my fears are getting stronger because my time w/ him in my belly is diminishing greatly. I am so scared now @ 29 weeks just thinking of having 10 weeks left I can't fathom the fear & anticipation come June. I feel defeated I don't think my belly has grown in the last few weeks. I have lost some weight & am just not looking like I should @ 7 1/2 months. I go in for another scan in a little over a week & I admit I keep putting it off, because I do not want to face the fact that he may not be growing. I keep asking God why?
Most days I just pretend that everything is okay, (it's just easier that way)& he is perfectly healthy, but what if he isn't? How does a person walk thru that? How does a family keep going on when they lost a son & a brother? There are some people out there that keep telling us everything will be okay & in the end he will be born completly healthy. Somedays, most days I believe that with my whole heart & other days like today I feel alone facing the truth of what is going on inside me. So tonight I ask for strength & peace to get us through the next 10 weeks. I pray we savor everyday we have w/ him because more than ever we don't know how long we really have with our precious Zeke William.