A year later

I can't believe I am sitting here 1 year after my whole world was changed. It was on that dreadful day last January when we found out that Zeke was not the healthy baby we dreamed of. Friday was a rough day it was exactly 1 year since I got that dreadful diagnosis that our sweet baby was severely sick & our life would never be the same.

WOW ! Honestly I am shocked and surprised that we made it. That is probably bad of me to say, but honestly I remember those morning's w/ my tear stained pillow & hugging my belly just screaming out in grief convinced I would not get through the next day. Those countless doctor visits and the joy of hearing his strong heartbeat each week that the doctor's didn't expect. We survived & we are learning how to move on & keep going. I have thrown my focus, my grief into nursing school & boy am I scared, but you know what I have learned through all this ......It is when you are in the fire that your true character shines. I am far from perfect I still get anxious and have anxiety attacks, I still cry uncontrollably some days over my baby boy, but God is carrying me through this it is his footprints in the sand next to mine and just like he walked w/ me through the death of Zeke he will still be here & help me get through school.

The worst year of our life & here we are finally on the other side looking back. We are not walking back into another doctor's office to hear that long list of things wrong w/ our sweet baby. We got thru those days that I never thought would end. I didn't think I would ever say this but apart of me misses those days, and I only say that because that is when we still had faith that he would be healed and come home w/ us to join our family. That is when I felt his sweet kicks when I ate those green olives & fruit smoothies. It was how quiet he got when I ate Mexican food. Those evenings when I lay ed on my left side in bed and he would kick me over and over like he was talking to me. I miss him so much and I will always miss him. There are days that so painful like it feels as if I just delivered him and then the next day it will be full of laughs and silly stories of being pregnant w/ Zeke.

I am excited for a new year and for all the things that we have ahead of us, but then I am sad. I am sad because we are starting a year that doesn't include Zeke. A year with new adventure's and new stories that don't include him and that hurts. We have talked about trying for another baby but I am just so scared to be pregnant again that if I could just come home w/ a baby I would do it tomorrow but being pregnant is petrifying for me. We want more kids & we are sad that their will be such a big gap between the boys and the next baby that is not what we wanted but we can't change that & I am not going to rush to get pregnant just so my kids are not 10 years apart.

Thanksgiving

Well we are here.

Found this it never got posted......

It is officially the holidays! Apart of me is excited & another part of me is sad. On a day when you are supposed to be thankful, I am having to remind myself to be happy for what we do have, when all I have though about is who is not here this year. We are missing 2 people. The first of everything is hard after you have lost a loved one. Not only is it the first holiday w/ out Zeke who would be 6 months old tomorrow, it is the first holiday in Texas and it is the first holiday w/ out Charles, David's dad. Thanksgiving also marks the anniversary for my grandpa who passed away 16 years ago on Thanksgiving morning.

I am sooooo happy that my parents and my sister are on their way right now to spend the holiday with us. I have been dreading the holiday season. I miss my baby and the thought of this being his first holiday is really hard. We should be sneaking him some turkey, and pumpkin pie in his mouth this year.

no catchy title 2day

Its been a rough week for me. I want to write, but honestly I have no words to express how I feel. I am getting good at "pretending" to be just fine and to keep those walls up. Then I walk into church or I come home and stop moving and I fall apart. I am learning to walk this path of grief and every day is a new day filled w/ different emotions & triggers.

Elijah turned 8 and I caught myself looking at his baby pictures and imaging that is exactly what Zeke looked like. David had his birthday and Zeke wasn't here w/ us. The nightmare is still going on, but we have moments where it seems like we are in such a fog that we feel normal for awhile and then all of a sudden we "wake up" and it all comes flooding back, & I ask myself all over again..... Did I really carry a child for 9 months? Was he really stillborn? Did I really have to sign a death certificate and sign it "mother"?

Grief is different for everyone and just because someone is grieving a different way or coping an odd way doesn't mean they are not suffering a great loss. We just want to be heard, we just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am so afraid he will be forgotten and I can't talk about him. I am so afraid that I have to push this sadness under the rug because my "time limit" of being sad has expired.

The Reason for the World

Zeke's Room

I debated for many months on whether or not to decorate a nursery for Zeke. We finally decided that by us decorating a nursery it was an act of faith that God could/would heal our sweet boy. We collected the crib, bassinet, swings, stroller and the car seat. We went back and forth on what bedding we liked the best and what colors we should use. The room was finished by the end of March and it looked beautiful. Everything was in its place all we were missing was the glider and our beautiful baby.

Many people questioned us on why we decorated a nursery, but what they didn't realize was it was already his room from the moment we moved to Texas. The boys picked out Zeke's room (well only by process of elimination & they chose the bigger one) lol. It had always been Zeke's room long before the crib, and the decorations went up.

Today it is still Zeke's room. I have gone back and forth about turning it into an office or separating the boys so they both have their own room, but every time I open that door, I can't do it. It is all pretty much the same minus a few things thrown in there when company showed up. ;) His clothes our still untouched in the dresser, his books are stacked up on the shelf and the toys are still sitting there waiting to be played with. The only thing that is different is him. Instead of seeing a sweet smile coming from his crib, I see his ashes sitting on his changing table.

It will be 5 months on Monday and we have all pretty much steered clear of the room and kept the door shut, until today. I walked by and I saw my boys making his bed, and putting his hospital clothes back in his dresser. They had the swing up and were putting up notes and pictures they had made him. They had a stuffed animal in his blue bumbo and Malachi had Zeke's blanket in the swing and was pushing it softly. They were pretending that he was here. It broke my heart to watch my 2 boys miss their little brother so much. They got embarrassed and then scared when they saw me, thinking I would get mad for touching his things, but I just smiled and told them it was okay, I quickly grabbed his ashes (I'm not ready to go there yet) & went to my room so they could go back to playing.

The pain is still there and I wonder how I will ever go more than a few days with out completely crying my eyes out. It still hurts so bad sometimes I can barely catch my breath, but I can say we are doing better. We are functioning like a regular family and we are adjusting. Staying busy has been key for me. The holidays are going to be hard for us all. Some days it still seems like a bad dream that doesn't end and other days it feels like we are a perfectly happy family of 4, then I feel like I got kicked in the stomach and I remember apart of us is gone and it will never be the same.

brokenness

i believe in my heart that God is a big God. in my head i don't understand how i can still love God and worship w/ my whole heart when i am sooo broken. in my head it doesn't make sense how i can love him, but that is just it he is full of unconditional love that overwhelms you, you can't help but return it. I was listening to worship music tonight and i told him, i don't understand, i don't think its fair, & i don't know how the pain and brokeness will every go away, but i have to believe even today when i don't want to that you God are bigger than any trial, and long stormy winter I have to go through. i may feel totally alone some days and just bursting with so many unanswered questions that nothing makes sense to me nothing! So I keep moving forward and trusting that you know the end of this. You know when I will start to see the spring after such a long winter and your not afraid, scared or even offended by my doubt. What I would give to just erase the last 9 months. What I would give to see a completely healthy baby on that ultrasound. The anger and the questions are still there. The questions will never be answered I know that but the acceptance is just to hard to grasp for me right now. So tonight honestly i am beyond broken and angry that my son is dead. I don't want to try and understand that it was for the best, or God had a bigger plan. Tonight my arms are empty and his nursery is quiet and it shouldn't be that way, but yet I still believe and I am choosing to still believe in a God that for whatever reason did not see fit for my baby to be healed.

busy is best for me

Some days you just wake up and everything that could go wrong goes completely wrong. Today I had one of those days. I wanted to start over only 5 min after I had gotten up. When you are at your calm, happy, "normal" self burnt coffee, spilled coffee, forgotten lunches, almost missed bus, lost homework, phone battery going dead, no parking spot at work, lost keys, and a misplaced shoe & a messed up DVR would just frustrate you, but when you are a grieving mom you feel like your whole world is crashing down on you. The anxiety comes over you and you can't even do the simplest thing like finding paper towels to clean up the spilled coffee or getting in the car to drop the lunches off @ school. These things are not that big of a deal but for me the last few months you would think I was trying to solve world peace.

At first I didn't know when it was going to come on me & when I would start panicking, but now after a few months I can tell when his anniversary is coming up and anything and everything sets me off. I either get real emotional and start crying over things like Elijah telling me he left his homework @ school & yes Elijah thought I had completely lost my mind (LOL), or I get really angry over stupid things like not getting a parking spot or not finding my lost shoe. I can't rest or focus on anything else until I either find that shoe or I have looked to long for it & have missed my appt.

The one thing I have noticed is the busier I am, the better I function. I am a better wife and mother if I keep myself busy so I don't dwell on the fact that Zeke is not playing on the floor w/ his brother's or that I just found the cute baby Halloween costume I bought him last year while I was only 2 months pregnant, in a size he could wear next month, he sure would of looked cute!

I also have to be very careful who I share my story with, because their response seems to always affect the rest of my day. I have been told, "well at least you have the 2 boys you have, some people don't have any children". As true as that statement is & don't think I am not thankful for the 2 healthy boys I have trust me I am! It doesn't change the fact that my youngest son died. I can not replace that love, I can not replace Zeke with any other child. He will forever be my 3rd son & I will always love him and miss him and wonder what kind of man he would of grown to be.