A Rare Case.....

That is what I was told yesterday afternoon. Rare.

David and I walked into my doctor's office & met with her partner Thursday afternoon. Honestly as I was walking in I told myself she is going to tell us Zeke is fine, he is healthy & he is beautifull. When she walked into the room I looked in her eyes, I knew it was wishfull thinking. She went over Zeke's condition & told us it was worse, he had moved into a better position for this ultrasound for them to look at him & they were able to see many things. 1 of them being his belly, it is still measuring 18 weeks & his heart is the whole size of his chest. He has every marker for Trisomy 18 w/ out us getting the official amnio results. She told us his chance of surving is nothing. IF he makes it through delivery we are looking at a few min. to a few hours at the most.

The problem now is my health. Because the placenta is what they call "Ripened" it is like I am carrying a 45+ week old placenta which happens when you have a chromosome abnormality like they believe Zeke has. It can turn very dangerous very fast for me. I was told that the longer I carry Zeke the more serious it is for me and my health. Most likely I would not survive carrying him to 40 weeks, because my placenta will start to rought & will cause an infection to go through my whole body that can happen so fast that I am here 1 day and gone the next. They told me I needed to sign papers stating what I wanted in case something happened to me. They told me that because he is so small and my placenta is on the top or the front of my stomach if I do need an emergency csection (which is his best chance of being born alive) I could suffer alot of trauma a hysterectomy & never be able to have another child. If I have a planned csection in the next few weeks before I start laboring naturally the chances of complications go way down because they are more prepared for him and the situation.

So that is where we are at. We have talked to immediate family and we have talked to our pastor. To say that I am scared is a complete understatement, I never expected this to come down to my health & my future. I am feeling every kind of emotion you can imagine. Fear, hate, anger, failure, relief and it is just goes on and on. I wasn't ready for it to be over. I thought I had at least 8 more weeks or 64 days until we were faced w/ meeting Zeke & learning what our future holds with him. Now yes God can still move and God can still heal my baby, but I am tired of just believing in it. The time has come when I have to completely trust God w/ my baby & to make the decision that is best for both of us. I am meeting with my OB on monday to discuss the next few steps we have to take before going into labor. They have printed me out all my records & an emergency packet in case I end up somewhere besides my planned hospital. David has taken the boys to the batting cage's this afternoon and to play golf to try and give me sometime to process all of this. I don't know if thats even possible. I finally draged myself out of bed around 1130 this morning & have been crying & screaming most of the day. We will be sitting the boys down this evening to tell them about there brother. Zeke will beat us to heaven & he will be loved on and taken care of by Nannie & my Grandpa until we can see him again. So please think of us tonight as we have to devestate our boys & please pray for all of us.

Today I don't want to be RARE! Today I want to be just like everyother 32 week pregnant woman! I want to be a NORMAL healthy pregnant woman! Today I just did the unthinkable. Today I emailed Now I lay me down to Sleep a non profit organization that donates there time to come to the hospital and take pictures of baby's like Zeke. Everything that has to do w/ him has been thrown, literally thrown into his room and the door that used to stay open & made us smile everytime we walked by has been shut locked if I could turn the doorknob the other way.

As hard as this is and what is so scary to me right now..... this is only the begining of the pain. I still have to walk thru that hospital with him in my belly knowing that when I walk out my arms will be empty.