Saturday, February 6, 2010

His 1st outfit...

I have had a long grieving week. I am 21 weeks, I should be shopping for our little boy scouring consumer reports for the best car seat, stroller & looking for a steal on Craig's List. I should be excited to find the PERFECT coming home outfit for Zeke, one that would match the Georgia hat & socks both his brother's wore. I can't, I can't bring myself to go touch those beautiful, adorable baby outfit's in the store, but I am so stressed in finding the perfect outfit that he may only wear 1 time! I don't want him to be naked in the hospital. This might be the only outfit I get to pick out for him, this might be the only outfit I get to put on him. I want it to fit him perfect. I am looking for the best outfit & I am determined to start looking even if I am crying while I am standing in the baby section.

I found the stroller/car seat combo I want on Craig's List the other day for a steal.... I just sat there and cried. I cried because I don't know if I will be able to use it. I told myself you have to buy it you will never come across such a bargain like this again, I couldn't do it. I couldn't pay for that stroller & car seat knowing that the likely hood of him coming home from the hospital is a 10% chance & if he does come home, we will be savoring time w/ him not running errands or doing mindless space filler activities. Then I thought where is your faith Stefani? Where is that faith that you believe in, that you long for? Is Zeke not worth the money of a wonderful car seat even if he only uses it 1 time? Does he not deserve a beautiful nursery complete w/ everything that you always wanted to do for Elijah & Malachi but never did? Zeke William deserves it! He deserves every kind of prep & planning that any other baby would get. So why am I not doing it? Why am I so scared to actually believe that he will be healthy and whole, that he will come home w/ us in June. Bottom line.... I am scared I will have to come home w/ empty arms & walk by that beautiful nursery & not be able to watch Zeke wake up in it every morning or to rock him to sleep every night.

I am jealous! I am jealous that I can not buy that coming home outfit, or that newborn checklist of necessities or register for baby stuff, (we got rid of everything after Malachi ) I am sad that I don't get to have that beautiful baby shower or get to stock up on diapers & wipes. I am jealous of every healthy baby that I see. I am jealous! I am so jealous I can feel the resentment settling in & I don't like it one bit, but I can't help it. My reality is not sleepless nights due to late night feedings & covered in spit up or even colic, right now I would love colic to be my problem!... but my reality is a little white casket. I think I have every right to be jealous of healthy pregnancy's or healthy babies, but it doesn't mean I like it or I want to feel this way, I just can't help it. I can't choose what emotion I feel at this moment & right now these last 2 weeks I have felt jealousy.

To all of my wonderful friends who are pregnant right now or have beautiful babies, I am truly so happy for you, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I honestly can say how happy I am for you. Babies are a blessing from God & you can't help but smile when you see one. I love to go look on my face book & look at all the baby picture's & keep in touch w/ you all, but I am also not going to sit here & lie to you say it doesn't hurt a little bit either. I feel like this is better than isolation. This is better than cutting off from the world, to just live in my pain. I have to get out there & I have to see healthy pregnancy's. I have to see healthy babies. Because maybe just maybe David & I will have the strength to try again. I have to believe that it is not my fault for Zeke to be sick, I have to believe it is not my fault that Zeke may die. And by seeing all of you w/ your growing belly's & your beautiful babies it gives me hope that this is honestly not my fault & my chance to try again for a healthy baby is the same high chance that I had before we found out about Zeke's condition.

Everyone around me believes, everyone who supports us & prays for us believes with out a shadow of a doubt that he will be healed & God will touch his body. I want to say to all that.... Good for you, Thank God for you, because I don't feel it. I am scared beyond words. I am petrified beyond explanation. I have prayed this week so hard, but all I can do is cry & say "Jesus help me!" I think that God knows my pain & he knows what I need right now, & it is okay. I do not need to declare life & health over him everyday in order for God to heal him. My tear's are just as important & mean just as much to God than if I declare life over Zeke everyday. I don't have to feel guilty if I am sad or angry w/ my situation. I don't have to feel guilty because everyone else around me feels strong in there faith & believes Zeke will be healed even if I can't spit those words out. I am in the fire. I am in the fire of pain, heartache, grief, & sorrow. I can't escape it & go to a movie w/ my family or go to the grocery store & not think about it. I can't run away from it. All I can do is walk thru it & while I am doing that all I can do is cling to God & pray not for just for my faith to increase, but pray for me to not loose the faith I do have & turn away from God.


  1. you have every right to have those feelings, we will be strong for you, you do what you gotta do! love ya!

  2. I can't imagine being you and NOT feeling all those emotions at one time or another. It's easier perhaps for the rest of us to believe, because we aren't carrying Zeke. But, God.. is all I know to say, Stef.. but, God. You had some amazing things happen during this pregnancy, that cannot be explained. I have to believe God created Zeke and will carry him through. Don't deny your feelings, it's healthy to share them honestly. How can it not hurt to hear about healthy pregnancies, and not want the same? Love you! I wish we were all with you during this time

  3. thanks guys i felt pretty guilty after posting this. I felt like I was to harsh in this post about my feelings. I am just ready for an "okay" day ya know....