I found the stroller/car seat combo I want on Craig's List the other day for a steal.... I just sat there and cried. I cried because I don't know if I will be able to use it. I told myself you have to buy it you will never come across such a bargain like this again, I couldn't do it. I couldn't pay for that stroller & car seat knowing that the likely hood of him coming home from the hospital is a 10% chance & if he does come home, we will be savoring time w/ him not running errands or doing mindless space filler activities. Then I thought where is your faith Stefani? Where is that faith that you believe in, that you long for? Is Zeke not worth the money of a wonderful car seat even if he only uses it 1 time? Does he not deserve a beautiful nursery complete w/ everything that you always wanted to do for Elijah & Malachi but never did? Zeke William deserves it! He deserves every kind of prep & planning that any other baby would get. So why am I not doing it? Why am I so scared to actually believe that he will be healthy and whole, that he will come home w/ us in June. Bottom line.... I am scared I will have to come home w/ empty arms & walk by that beautiful nursery & not be able to watch Zeke wake up in it every morning or to rock him to sleep every night.
I am jealous! I am jealous that I can not buy that coming home outfit, or that newborn checklist of necessities or register for baby stuff, (we got rid of everything after Malachi ) I am sad that I don't get to have that beautiful baby shower or get to stock up on diapers & wipes. I am jealous of every healthy baby that I see. I am jealous! I am so jealous I can feel the resentment settling in & I don't like it one bit, but I can't help it. My reality is not sleepless nights due to late night feedings & covered in spit up or even colic, right now I would love colic to be my problem!... but my reality is a little white casket. I think I have every right to be jealous of healthy pregnancy's or healthy babies, but it doesn't mean I like it or I want to feel this way, I just can't help it. I can't choose what emotion I feel at this moment & right now these last 2 weeks I have felt jealousy.
To all of my wonderful friends who are pregnant right now or have beautiful babies, I am truly so happy for you, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I honestly can say how happy I am for you. Babies are a blessing from God & you can't help but smile when you see one. I love to go look on my face book & look at all the baby picture's & keep in touch w/ you all, but I am also not going to sit here & lie to you say it doesn't hurt a little bit either. I feel like this is better than isolation. This is better than cutting off from the world, to just live in my pain. I have to get out there & I have to see healthy pregnancy's. I have to see healthy babies. Because maybe just maybe David & I will have the strength to try again. I have to believe that it is not my fault for Zeke to be sick, I have to believe it is not my fault that Zeke may die. And by seeing all of you w/ your growing belly's & your beautiful babies it gives me hope that this is honestly not my fault & my chance to try again for a healthy baby is the same high chance that I had before we found out about Zeke's condition.
Everyone around me believes, everyone who supports us & prays for us believes with out a shadow of a doubt that he will be healed & God will touch his body. I want to say to all that.... Good for you, Thank God for you, because I don't feel it. I am scared beyond words. I am petrified beyond explanation. I have prayed this week so hard, but all I can do is cry & say "Jesus help me!" I think that God knows my pain & he knows what I need right now, & it is okay. I do not need to declare life & health over him everyday in order for God to heal him. My tear's are just as important & mean just as much to God than if I declare life over Zeke everyday. I don't have to feel guilty if I am sad or angry w/ my situation. I don't have to feel guilty because everyone else around me feels strong in there faith & believes Zeke will be healed even if I can't spit those words out. I am in the fire. I am in the fire of pain, heartache, grief, & sorrow. I can't escape it & go to a movie w/ my family or go to the grocery store & not think about it. I can't run away from it. All I can do is walk thru it & while I am doing that all I can do is cling to God & pray not for just for my faith to increase, but pray for me to not loose the faith I do have & turn away from God.