Today is the day. Today is the day that I go back for my follow up Ultrasound w/ Zeke. I was planning on getting an amnio done @ the same time, but after alot of prayer, talking w/ david and both our mom's I have decided to just wait. I got alot of advice on the topic from my Facebook status & probably a handfull of my friends mentioned the same verse...." Be still and know that I am God." As I sit here w/ tears welling up inside I know in my gut and in my heart not my head that he is God! He is in Control! The smart thing to do is to wait.
I thank God for my husband! The respect and love I have for him was unexplainable before this nightmare began, but now that we are walking thru it I am just in awe of how he is handling this. I thank God for the strength & wisdom he has brought me. When I forget the scriptures & I keep spitting out medical knowledge he is the one to remind me that when it all comes down to it. God is God & he will talk care of us & he has a plan for Zeke. He is amaising & wonderful. Isn't that why God gave us a partner? To pick us up when we fall. He is the strong one right now. He is my rock, I prayed & begged God for. Now that I am the one on the floor barely able to function & have hope most days he is there to lift my spirits & to think of the good times we are having w/ Zeke. David sayed to me the other day....."Stefani remember we need to Praise God when we win and we need to Praise God when we loose." I have clung to that like it is my last breathe to God. I am riding on emotions right now, he is riding on facts from the word of God. I need to cling to David & let him pull me through my emotions & when or if the time comes I will do the same for him.
I say all that to say. I am just going to have the ultrasound done. I am going to wait on the amnio and see if @ 34 weeks it is still important for us to move forward w/ it. For now there are to many what if''s to be thrown in to the pot. I keep thinking that if something did go wrong with the amnio how would I live with myself knowing that I did not HAVE to get this test done. Right now I am clinging to the prayer that God is still God & he can heal Zeke from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes.
Today I need hope. Today I need good news from the specialist @ the hospital. Today I need to enjoy Zeke moving around in my belly, to watch with excitment as I see David & the boys feel him as well. Today I need to think of carseats, cribs, baby clothes & plan what kind of nursery we should do for Zeke. Yes the amnio will help us prepare for the what if's & help us know if we should design a nursery, or if we might be planning a funeral. I can't do it right now I thought I could. Today I want to plan for his arrival like I would any other baby & get him all the things he deserves. When the time comes for him to be born & God does choose to take him home the grief will be as heartbreaking then as it would be now w/ the devastating test results. We want to celebrate him right now, we want to plan for him & love him the way he deserves to be loved.
I say all that to say. I am just going to have the ultrasound done. I am going to wait on the amnio and see if @ 34 weeks it is still important for us to move forward w/ it. For now there are to many what if''s to be thrown in to the pot. I keep thinking that if something did go wrong with the amnio how would I live with myself knowing that I did not HAVE to get this test done. Right now I am clinging to the prayer that God is still God & he can heal Zeke from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes.
Today I need hope. Today I need good news from the specialist @ the hospital. Today I need to enjoy Zeke moving around in my belly, to watch with excitment as I see David & the boys feel him as well. Today I need to think of carseats, cribs, baby clothes & plan what kind of nursery we should do for Zeke. Yes the amnio will help us prepare for the what if's & help us know if we should design a nursery, or if we might be planning a funeral. I can't do it right now I thought I could. Today I want to plan for his arrival like I would any other baby & get him all the things he deserves. When the time comes for him to be born & God does choose to take him home the grief will be as heartbreaking then as it would be now w/ the devastating test results. We want to celebrate him right now, we want to plan for him & love him the way he deserves to be loved.
I love that you have your blog to journal all of your thoughts and emotions you are experiencing through all of this. You are an amazing person and I am so sorry you are having to go through so much uncertainty. You are and will continue to be in my prayers. My heart breaks for you, but rejoices for you in the strength of you and your husband. Just know that it is ok not to always be strong. You have every right to be emotional, weepy, sad, scared and every other emotion you are feeling. Hang in there. Praying for some good news at your appointment today.
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