Monday, February 1, 2010

We are still a family of 5!

Sheeeesh! What a day it has been for us! We are home from the hospital and we are emotionally drained. We heard Zeke's heartbeat & it sounded like music to our ears!

It was quite scary walking thru those labor & delivery doors this afternoon, knowing that unless we have a miracle I was not going to be one of those happy mom's in June. We passed the nursery (of course) & I got all teared up just passing all those cute, pudgy HEALTHY babies! The nurse led us into our room complete w/ the baby incubator and all the gear he would need after he was delivered. I was so scared & so sad, but @ peace. I really felt that God was in complete control & he knows the number of Zeke's days. If I was to actually be in labor I felt God's love & his grace. He knows how much we can handle & at that moment I believed that if Zeke was going to come this evening then God would be with us. As hard as it would have been to deliver him this evening @ only 20 weeks, maybe God thought that was better than me going another 20 weeks & then having to hold him & watch him die in my arms. Only God knows how much we can handle & maybe just maybe this was it for us... 20 weeks w/ our sweet little boy. (written last night before I fell asleep)

They hooked me up to all those monitors & I had to get into one of those drop dead gorgeous gowns we all wish we could take home w/ us! =) After countless questions about everything related to being pregnant & some that made absolutely no sense, we heard the most magical sound you can imagine! Zeke's heartbeat! It was strong and sounded so healthy, hard to believe he has such a major brain abnormality. They ran some tests & checked to see if I was dilated & to my surprise I was not! My cervix was completely closed! Praise GOD!! Part of me was disappointed, now don't start yelling at me but I wasn't disappointed that he was alive, I was disappointed that I was prepared for him to be born. I was emotionally prepared for this to be the last day w/ him. I was relieved that I did not have to hold him in my arms and watch him die in 20 weeks, I was scared & petrified of giving birth to him @ 20 weeks, but I am just as scared & petrified to give birth to him @ 40 weeks. Like I said before it is not an exciting time, I feel this huge weight on my shoulders of the unknown. Yesterday afternoon I thought that the weight would be lifted & we would move to the next step & grieve for our little boy & his short life. Now all that to say as soon as we were finally released & I got dressed, I walked back by those cute pudgy babies I had my hope back. I felt refreshed. I was so thankful that God showed us his grace & mercy that afternoon. We have 20 weeks for God to perform his miracle on little Zeke & I don't doubt w/ all my heart that he can do it!

It is hard when people find out I am pregnant & are so excited they just keep saying congrats, congrats & then the big ole' BUT comes in & I have to explain the situation w/ tears flooding my eyes. My boss asked me today what I was going to do & I just looked at her & said I am going to go home & be w/ my family and then I will come to work tomorrow & I will do that everyday until something changes. Some people think I am crazy for continuing on w/ the pregnancy (my doctor included) knowing the "logical" end result, but all I can do is just focus on the next hour or the next activity in my day & pray that God will get us thru & he will he has to.

Please continue to pray for strength for David & I. Pray that our Faith is renewed every morning and that we keep clinging to each other. Pray that I keep breathing & can concentrate on my job & my boys. It is a daily battle when it comes to our minds & our thoughts. I am not ashamed to say i deal w/ it constantly. I know in my heart that God can & will heal our baby, but logically I just don't see how it is possible to not only heal him but to actually put that spot in his brain. This is not something a surgeon can fix, he can't fix something that isn't even there. We need to be prepared for what may happen, but pray I don't let it consume me to the point that I forget God is God & Zeke is in God's hand, not the doctor's.


  1. Stefani, it is time for CREATIVE miracles and that's exactly what I'm praying for, for your precious Zeke!

  2. Well written! Praying for you, David and all three boys.