It was quite scary walking thru those labor & delivery doors this afternoon, knowing that unless we have a miracle I was not going to be one of those happy mom's in June. We passed the nursery (of course) & I got all teared up just passing all those cute, pudgy HEALTHY babies! The nurse led us into our room complete w/ the baby incubator and all the gear he would need after he was delivered. I was so scared & so sad, but @ peace. I really felt that God was in complete control & he knows the number of Zeke's days. If I was to actually be in labor I felt God's love & his grace. He knows how much we can handle & at that moment I believed that if Zeke was going to come this evening then God would be with us. As hard as it would have been to deliver him this evening @ only 20 weeks, maybe God thought that was better than me going another 20 weeks & then having to hold him & watch him die in my arms. Only God knows how much we can handle & maybe just maybe this was it for us... 20 weeks w/ our sweet little boy. (written last night before I fell asleep)
They hooked me up to all those monitors & I had to get into one of those drop dead gorgeous gowns we all wish we could take home w/ us! =) After countless questions about everything related to being pregnant & some that made absolutely no sense, we heard the most magical sound you can imagine! Zeke's heartbeat! It was strong and sounded so healthy, hard to believe he has such a major brain abnormality. They ran some tests & checked to see if I was dilated & to my surprise I was not! My cervix was completely closed! Praise GOD!! Part of me was disappointed, now don't start yelling at me but I wasn't disappointed that he was alive, I was disappointed that I was prepared for him to be born. I was emotionally prepared for this to be the last day w/ him. I was relieved that I did not have to hold him in my arms and watch him die in 20 weeks, I was scared & petrified of giving birth to him @ 20 weeks, but I am just as scared & petrified to give birth to him @ 40 weeks. Like I said before it is not an exciting time, I feel this huge weight on my shoulders of the unknown. Yesterday afternoon I thought that the weight would be lifted & we would move to the next step & grieve for our little boy & his short life. Now all that to say as soon as we were finally released & I got dressed, I walked back by those cute pudgy babies I had my hope back. I felt refreshed. I was so thankful that God showed us his grace & mercy that afternoon. We have 20 weeks for God to perform his miracle on little Zeke & I don't doubt w/ all my heart that he can do it!
It is hard when people find out I am pregnant & are so excited they just keep saying congrats, congrats & then the big ole' BUT comes in & I have to explain the situation w/ tears flooding my eyes. My boss asked me today what I was going to do & I just looked at her & said I am going to go home & be w/ my family and then I will come to work tomorrow & I will do that everyday until something changes. Some people think I am crazy for continuing on w/ the pregnancy (my doctor included) knowing the "logical" end result, but all I can do is just focus on the next hour or the next activity in my day & pray that God will get us thru & he will he has to.
Please continue to pray for strength for David & I. Pray that our Faith is renewed every morning and that we keep clinging to each other. Pray that I keep breathing & can concentrate on my job & my boys. It is a daily battle when it comes to our minds & our thoughts. I am not ashamed to say i deal w/ it constantly. I know in my heart that God can & will heal our baby, but logically I just don't see how it is possible to not only heal him but to actually put that spot in his brain. This is not something a surgeon can fix, he can't fix something that isn't even there. We need to be prepared for what may happen, but pray I don't let it consume me to the point that I forget God is God & Zeke is in God's hand, not the doctor's.