Thursday, June 3, 2010

my sweet baby....

Oh how I miss you little boy! I feel so empty with out you in my belly. I feel so alone even though I have been surrounded by so much love and help from family and friends. At times I feel like I am suffocating. I knew I would miss you, I knew I would hurt, but I had know idea how much I would literally and physically ache for you sweet boy. I have been working on a letter for you for days and it just never seems to be the right words that I feel for you. My heart feels like it is in a million piece's, I just can't imgine that we have to continue on w/ out you, physically here to be apart of our family. I see other babies and I wonder what you are doing and I wonder if you miss us. I know the what if 's will make me go crazy, but right now I just can't help but wonder.....

The boys are doing very well processing the loss of there brother. Malachi asked me the other day.... "Mom why does everyone else have healthy babies and we had to watch our 2 babies go to heaven? When will we have our healthy baby mom?" You know it is so hard to grieve and get through this yourself , but having to watch your other children go through it is just awful. They talk about Zeke and Charles but watching them inneract w/ eachother and miss their brother and their PawPaw is heartbreaking. They don't understand why and we just don't have the answers for them, I wish I did! This was one of things I dreaded and constantly prayed for when I found out about Zeke's complications. I never imagined my kids would have to go through so much loss in such a short amount of time. They are definatly keeping me going and they are the reason I have got out of bed in the morning's. I thank God for them, they make me laugh, they make me concentrate my thoughts on something else instead of constantly thinking about what I have lost ...... our sweet baby Zeke. Holding them when they sleep has been alot of comfort for me, they are swallowing me with bear hugs and piggy back rides since my belly is not in the way anymore.

My family is definatly keeping me going and I thank God for that, I thank God for my healthy family here in front of me...... I can't focus on everything that went wrong the last few months, why God didn't heal Zeke, but I can focus on what went right . I am a better person because of Zeke, I am a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend because of Zeke! He changed me, he showed me true, pure love like I never knew imagined. I have made better choices because of him, I have learned how to love because of Zeke. Our plans and our agenda's are not always God's and even though it is so hard to remember that, when we are able to look at the big picture we can see some of God's plan and we experience his mercy.

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